A Surprise Inside the New Toolbox!

Posted on March 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I went into the Biggleswade branch of Homebase to buy a storage box. Storage boxes are one of those items that no matter how many you buy, you always need another! I was going to buy a small one to put a few tools in. Then I got distracted…

I bought myself a toolbox,
For fourteen-ninety-nine!
When I got it home,
I said “I’ll write you a rhyme!”
But when I went to open it,
You should have seen my face,
For it was carrying a baby,
A bonus from Homebase!
So now they live together,
In the cupboard side by side,
Ma and baby doing well…
…along with the bucket that came along for the ride!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Malice through the Bedside Glass!

Posted on March 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There was a cautionary tale in the media recently about a man whose teeth fell out. He had been addicted to sugary drinks, had gone abroad for some cheap replacement dentures and suffered disastrous consequences. However this is nothing compared to the embarrassment felt in the following tale…

Jayden Smith is quite bereft,
Thanks to cola he’s no teeth left!
He can’t blame Pepsi, he can’t blame Coke,
Own-brand Cola floats his boat!
The only bonus is quite fulfilling,
No more dentist, no more drilling!

He took a girl home to bed,
In the middle of passion she suddenly said:
“What are those things in the glass I see?
If they’re your teeth, your’re history!”
He opened his mouth to tell her ‘No!’,
She screamed, “Is that the time? I must go!”

The moral of the tale is easy to give,
If you date with dentures use fixative!

Authors note: The name used here (and the unfortunate event) is an entire fabrication and bears no resemblance to anyone likewise named. No animals were harmed in the manufacture of this product. Serving suggestion only!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Hurrah! It’s Friday Again!

Posted on March 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A reader from a foreign land recently e-mailed me asking for a ‘proper picture’ rather than somebody who looks faintly Elizabethan and hides behind a mask! As it’s Friday I thought I’d oblige as everyone has the weekend to get over the shock. I don’t know how welcome your Friday is, but here we have the bunting out…

Thank Heaven’s at last, Friday’s here!
It’s been a long week, let’s be clear,
That naughty fairy has been about,
Causing chaos and making me shout!
I under-ordered fertilizer by three tons,
Was caught in the town eating iced buns!
Broke my 4×4 by letting it boil,
Damaged the cultivator on the wet soil!
So if you see the fairy heading in my direction,
Please distract her by attracting her attention!
Tell her when she asks which way I went,
“He’s not at home, he’s gone to Gwent!”
If she arrives and I’m under the thumbscrew,
I’ll send the Muck-Up Fairy back to you!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Edna Shows Signs of Disgraceful Retirement!

Posted on March 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I went to get our ancient Toyota, Edna, out of the garage and she refused to start. This is the first sign of rebelliousness associated with old age! She made an odd growling noise and then sat there clicking her false teeth, daring me to lift her bonnet and fiddle with her terminals…

She 24 years old,
and she doesn’t care,
if others look,
or even stare!
There’s moss in her gutter,
rust on her sill,
her bonnet is scarred,
we love her still!

Forty-six thousand miles,
she’s been around,
but still has her tyres,
firmly on the ground!
Her headlights are dull,
paintwork like a turtle,
given a choice of clothes,
she would wear purple!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Deepest Hole (in all the garden!)

Posted on March 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While doing my grand-fatherly duties recently, I was teaching granddaughter how to jump on mole-hills in the garden (as one does!). Suddenly she stopped and was peering down a hole in the lawn…

A hole appeared in the garden,
I’m sure wasn’t there yesterday,
There wasn’t any sign of digging,
We didn’t suspect fowl play!

We looked into the hole,
And saw a pinprick of light,
I fetched my powerful binoculars,
As something wasn’t quite right!

There at the deepest juncture,
Was a man gazing down at me,
Dressed in a pair of swim trunks,
He seemed to be waving you see!

He soon disappeared from sight,
Was replaced by a large kangaroo,
I passed the glasses to my granddaughter
She shouted a very loud ‘Shoo!’

There remains very little evidence,
Of this mysterious deep deep hole,
It’s the photo you see above this,
And a hill that looks left by a mole!

A Most Mysterious Object!

Posted on March 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The water lying on the fields has subsided and the ground has mostly dried up. I took a drive around the farm yesterday to look at the crops. All seemed well until I came across a mysterious object half hidden in the grass on Gotta Field…

Looking like a space accessory,
That had fallen from the sky,
Something lying in the grass field,
If I approach it will I die?

So I decide not to walk there,
My Mitsubishi in four-wheel drive,
Clutching my mobile phone beside me,
Ready to make an exit dive!

The closer that I come to see it,
The more ominous it looks,
Realise I’ve no Risk Assessment,
Haven’t gone by all the books!

Nearly on top of it I wonder,
Who will catch me if I fall?
Suddenly I feel quite stupid,
It’s only a purple exercise ball!

A Rhyming Midday Breakfast!

Posted on March 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In hospital once again with an elderly relative, I had hunger knock at the door! Unfortunately these days there is so much choice in the motorway-style food court in a hospital that the mind boggles. From Burger King and the Baguette Company to Costa Coffee and Starbucks the choice of healthy food is endless…

I had a little Starbucks,
Nothing could compare,
Except a glass of champagne,
They hadn’t any there!

I had a breakfast panini,
In the middle of the day,
Hardly the height of decadence,
But it was ok!

So if you’re feeling hungry,
And you haven’t munching time,
Grab whatever’s closest,
And ‘Hey Presto’ there’s a rhyme!

The Chocolate Rabbits!

Posted on March 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was in Lidl the other day, marveling at the vast variety of random products they sell. I came across a large display of Easter Bunnies. How magnificent they looked in their gold and red, looking their best to attract customers. Then I noticed there were some that were hiding…

Twenty-nine golden chocolate rabbits,
Lining up in Lidl,
One of them is missing,
He’s hiding in the middle!

He’s come over all embarrassed,
Because he’s wrapped in blue,
If you were that colour,
What ever would you do?

But suddenly he understands,
No-one should he deride,
Because underneath the wrapper
They’re all the same inside!

Two Years On! The Devil (is in the detail)

Posted on February 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is the second anniversary of my blog, or so I thought. However as the first original verse was posted on February 29^th2012, the first true birthday will be in two years time on the 29^th February 2016. Today’s posting also happens to be the 666^th daily post (I’ve had the odd Sunday off to recharge batteries!). However the loss of an important part of my equipment has made this morning’s posting almost impossible. As they say, the devil is in the detail…

I spent the day yesterday,
With everything quite blurred,
I lost my glasses loading hay,
I know that sounds absurd!

So if you see a horse,
And he’s wearing glasses,
You will know that of course,
He’s off to evening classes!

Today I cannot drive,
So there’s no chance of retail,
Until my specs arrive,
The devil’s in the detail.

Thank you the 75,000+ readers from over seventy-five countries who have visited my blog over the last two years. I hope you enjoyed your visit and we’ll see you again soon!
Keep well and enjoy your life!

The Dishwasher Fairy!

Posted on February 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are times when our dishwasher is prone to making weird noises. Mrs Bard sometimes asks me what is causing the racket. Not having done the washing machine repair module as part of my degree course (mummy kept me home that day with a cold), I have to declare ignorance. This does not go down well at all. The other day, when I was in exploratory mode, attempting use diagnostic skills I don’t have, I had rather a nasty shock…

The dishwasher was making a terrible noise,
As if filled with spanners or ten children’s toys!
The light was on ‘Low Dishwasher Salt’,
Was this the reason it had ground to a halt?
I opened the door, worried and wary,
When out backwards crawled a dishwasher-fairy!
“You useless man!” she shouted at me,
“Can’t you load a machine, it’s easy you see!”
I stepped well back to avoid her eruptions,
“Typical man, you don’t read the instructions!”
Finally, I’m afraid, I could take it no more,
I shoved her back in and slammed shut the door!
I turned on the power-wash, rinse and the drain
The machine farted and belched, never saw her again!
Now the noise has become really quite scary
I think she must be, one angry dishwasher fairy!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse