The Bards Little Rechargeable Helper (My Sucky-Yucky Queen!)

Posted on February 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

When I went to light the wood-burner yesterday evening I made a mess on the carpet. Wishing to avoid any finger-pointing at my wood-carrying prowess, I reached for the new rechargeable vacuum cleaner. Unfortunately it also highlighted my limited lifestyle when I realised how excited I’d become over such a small household item. Note to self: get a life…

I have a little helper
Dyson is her name
It means I sweep the carpets
When I’m not out in the rain!

I wish that I could take her
Out onto the farm
But alas darling Mrs Bard
Would break my bloody arm!

I swept in the sitting room
Where I’d dropped a log
Then I used the sweeper
To sweep hairs from our dog!

I vacuumed granddaughter’s monkey
Now it looks like new
It’s amazing what the Dyson
In experienced hands can do!

Then a satisfying moment
Emptying by the door
Alas the bin is missed
Dust ends up on the floor!

In my world of vacuum cleaners
She’s the best that’s ever been
In fact she’s so successful
She’s my sucky-yucky Queen!

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Disruptive Sock Fairies!

Posted on February 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m never in control first thing in the morning. A bumbling caffeine-deprived monster who is capable of frightening small children and animals, I’m best left alone! Nothing quite seems to make sense at this time of day and anything out of the ordinary serves to confuse. So three socks were destined to leave me in shock…

Those disruptive sock fairies,
Have been at it once again,
They normally hide just one,
Making pairing such a pain.
But this very morning,
Their cunningness surpassed,
They only added an extra sock,
To confuse a sleepy task!
What were they thinking of?
Perhaps I’ll never know,
But if it’s a sign of what the day will bring,
Back to bed I ought to go!

The Longest Forkin’ Fork!

Posted on February 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day son-in-law John and I had need to distance ourselves from our work. So we went into the workshop and created the longest handled fork in the county, if not the world…

Needing to get ourselves out of a very deep hole,
We put a fork on an extremely long pole.
We called it Stanislaw, or just plain Stan,
We’d soon be clear if all went to plan!
We pushed, we pulled, moaned and grunted,
In search of a solution, high and low we hunted.
With our very long fork we shifted all the rubble,
with an ‘oh’ and an ‘aah’, we were soon out of trouble.
And we made a flag that we unfurled,
We’ve got the longest forkin’ fork, in the whole forkin’ world!

Dolly and the Mischievous Geese!

Posted on February 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My granddaughter is rather angry at the moment. Her geese have gone feral. In other words they are doing what they want, rather than being visible from a window when required. I found them yesterday in Dolly the Horse’s field, causing mischief…

Dolly the Horse has been talking,
In conference with the geese,
They told her she was the prettiest,
That she had a golden fleece!

They told her she was capable,
Anything she could do,
Could she kick over the feed bin?
So they could have oats too!

They told her she could fly,
They said ‘over the gate you go’,
She galloped off down the paddock,
Flew over the gate just so!

There was only one problem,
The geese munched all the oats,
Poor Dolly was left with no supper,
Would now rather share her field with goats!

Vomiting Vicky the Cement Mixer!

Posted on January 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day my trusty side-kick (and son-in-law), John, bought a cement mixer on E-Bay. Yesterday we tried it out for the first time and unfortunately, despite mixing two wheelbarrow loads of concrete perfectly, it then misbehaved. So if anyone has any tips on how to deal with a drunken mixer…

The cement mixer’s just been sick,
Vomited over the yard,
It has had too much to drink,
And now knows life is hard!

Tomorrow it’ll feel unwell,
A hangover beyond compare,
It’ll hide out of sight in the shed,
And pretend to not be there!

So far it has no name,
But this won’t take so long,
Vomiting Vicky may possibly do,
But I might be wrong!

Gary’s Big Earth Give-away!

Posted on January 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I bought a large bag of crisps recently and noticed to my delight that not only was there a competition to win farmland on the packet, but also every purchaser was already a winner! I was so excited I almost rang our local machinery dealer to order extra machinery for this unexpected increase in acreage…

Hurrah, Hurrah! I’ve won some land,
To expand my farm,
it wasn’t planned!
I went out shopping the other night,
Bought a bag of crisps,
had quite a fright!
Gary Linaker’s gonna give me some earth,
Has he any idea,
of what it’s worth?
He doesn’t know yet but he’ll be sore,
It’s very valuable,
they not making more!
So I think I’ll have ten acres near Welwyn,
The owner doesn’t know
…I’ll let Gary tell him!

Unfortunately the packaging was disposed of before I had time to check my lucky code. However all credit to Walkers for their unique and tempting competition.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Who Ate All The Pies?

Posted on January 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you ever have one of those days where time vanishes in front of your very eyes? You look up from your computer screen only to discover that in the five minutes since you sat at your desk, four hours have passed! Yesterday I was ambushed by a gang of bloodthirsty acronyms: VAT, SPS, HLS and their notorious leader PAYE-RTI. I was held hostage until lunchtime when I managed to cut through the ropes using the corner of the desk and escape their stranglehold…

I drove down to Baldock in quite a state,
I was off to the bank and I was quite late,
After the bank I went to a shop,
Where some apple pies told me to stop!
“You can’t leave us to the mercy of others,
They’ve already had our cousins and brothers!”
So in my basket they had to go,
Despite my waistline continuing to grow.
When I got home and back to my screen,
They had vanished, nowhere to be seen!
After a long search all around the house,
I had to resort to blaming a mouse!
So if you are propositioned by an apple pie,
They’re all untrustworthy and likely to lie!

For my readers outside the UK: VAT – Value Added Tax, SPS – Single (farm) Payment Scheme, HLS – Higher Level Stewardship (of the countryside), PAYE-RTI – Pay As You Earn – Real Time Information (online tax scheme for employers).

God’s Gift!

Posted on January 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I believe that mankind’s greatest attribute is the inability to see oneself without the use of a mirror. Just imagine if we could see ourselves when we are acting the fool, drunk or just having one of those days, we’d never go out in public again. The mirror has one great advantage, it never gives a true picture…

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,
Who looks like a bloody fool?
Whose hair looks like a broken bale?
That’s on the roadside verge a fail.
Who doesn’t know when to keep mouth shut?
Ends each sentence with a ‘but’.
Who has less talent than a brick?
And sometimes acts like a ‘stupid prick!’
Who has faults he cannot see?
That can’t possibly be me!

Post-Twelfth Night? (not in Badock!)

Posted on January 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The residents of Baldock know how to live dangerously. While the rest of the country have packed away their Christmas decorations for fear of the consequences, Baldock has said, “Pah! As if we care!” Last night the High Street was lit by a skiing Santa, neon candles and blue garish tinsel. They certainly know how to tempt fate…

A mutant prawn crawls up the High Street,
It’s already eaten a van,
It’s breath is distinctly fishy,
As it chews on an overweight man!

It previously destroyed sixteen houses,
A shop and Chinese take-away,
It won’t listen to trained negotiators,
It’s angry and someone will pay!

It treads on a car on the left,
Then it spits at one on the right,
“It’s all your fault Baldockonians!
Decorations should go away on Twelfth Night”
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Notes from a Small Room!

Posted on January 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Visiting the smallest room in the house recently I was taken aback by the vast array of cleaners we use these days. I suddenly realized that my surprise was an indication of how often I clean the throne. I also never leave the seat up…

They gather with menace,
On top of the loo,
Ready to clean traces,
Of stale Vindaloo!

There’s old Mr Bleach,
Who smells so yuk!
A perfumed cleaner,
Doesn’t resemble a duck!

There’s a squirty spray,
Gets rid of lime,
A spray room freshener,
Used all of the time!

But best of all,
A natural system,
Is the simple water,
That lurks in the cistern!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse