Cyril the Squirrel

Posted on January 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was watching a cheeky squirrel in a barn opposite the house. Very carefully I opened the window, aimed and shot it with my Canon. I was quite pleased with the result. Others, however, suggested that I was going soft in the head and should be put out to grass…

Cyril the Squirrel has a very long tail,
He likes eating oats that should be for sale,
If inspectors knew, hell would be to pay,
He doesn’t give a damn, he just says ‘Yay!’

Up strode the farmer with his ferocious gun,
“You can’t stop me, eating oats is fun!”
Both barrels leveled at Cyril’s grey head,
But the farmer missed, shot the barn instead!

Cyril didn’t need telling once or even twice,
Took off across the yard, “That wasn’t very nice!”
The farmer reloaded and fired once again,
Hit the old water butt that was full of rain!

Cyril climbed the oak tree opposite the wood,
He’d outrun the farmer, knew that he could!
Bang went the gun, missed Cyril by a twitch,
Back fell the farmer who landed in the ditch!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Surviving The Holidays!

Posted on January 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was on the phone to Mick at L&H Transport yesterday, arranging for a lorry to collect a load of oats this morning. We both congratulated each other on surviving to see yet another New Year! Having completed the arrangements I looked from the window to see others who were counting their blessings…

It was back to work Monday morning,
The holidays were truly over,
Arranging a collection of grain,
And wearing an old work pullover!

I spied a solemn procession,
Came around honking, looking for hay,
“We really have been very lucky,
We’ve managed to survive Christmas Day!”

“Our Friend was rather unfortunate,
She went to stay with a cousin,
Was shown her room Christmas Eve,
Didn’t realise it was an oven!”

“When folks saw her next she was naked,
On her back with feet in the air!
I’d like to tell where the orange was,
But with children around, I don’t dare!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Empty Plate? Piece of Cake!

Posted on January 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

All our Christmas/New-Year guests have returned to their differing parts of the country (along with dogs!) and the house is now very quiet! Most things were to our guests liking, however one concern was raised…

One of our guests,
Mini-scene did make,
When she discovered,
No Christmas Cake!
We hadn’t had drink,
Nor were we pissed,
We’d just left it off,
Our shopping list!

We went to Stevenage,
And there in store,
Discounted cakes,
Not seen before!
So I’m ecstatic,
(she won’t agree),
As all this cake,
Is just for me!
(And it was absolutely fabulous, thank-you Mr Waitrose!)
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Fussy Eater (ungrateful little sod!)

Posted on December 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was recently listening to a mother who was being run ragged by her infant. She was berating the fact that he would only eat recognised brands of food. She was quite taken aback when I suggested that her son was an ungrateful little sod. My recommendation that food should be withheld until he was hungry enough to eat it, also fell on deaf ears (names have been changed!)…

I knew a child called Alfie Sands
Was allergic to eating certain brands!
Everything that came to his table
Had to come with a specific label

His poor mother spent her time
Avoiding brands that made him whine!
In an attempt to cut her bill
She bought own-brand, it made him ‘ill’

Some years later when he’d flown the nest
His shopping budget wasn’t the best
When cheaper food was procured
To his surprise he found himself cured!

The Christmas Roll

Posted on December 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have had a houseful of friends here at Bard Towers over the Christmas period. Providing supplies for the friendly invasion has been a joint effort from all. However when it came down to ‘those seasonal extras’ there were some surprises…

A friend brought some Christmas loo-roll,
An extravagance unsurpassed,
With a household of good eaters,
We’ve got though it quite fast!
On the day after Christmas,
There was even a queue,
Some weren’t as desperate,
And said politely “after you!”
And now the holiday’s winding down,
And we are quite bereft,
Because in the smallest room,
There’s only one roll left!

I Win the Title ‘Pillock of the Year’ (an Aga-saga)!

Posted on December 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was very presumptuous. I suggested to a friend that she’d wrested the title of ‘Pillock of the Year’ from me. Furthermore I went so far as to suggest that I would have to up my game in order to re-establish myself as a ‘Prize Pillock!”I didn’t have long to wait…

I only had one job to do,
And that was re-light the Aga,
The fact that it took all morning,
A drama became a saga!
I’ve done the job so many times,
Could do it in the dark,
I hadn’t done it for a while,
Was no walk in the park!
After two hours wasted,
Should have been just minutes,
The bloody switch was set to off!
I was a ‘Ninny-Ninnits!*”

*Which is apparently another name for a pillock in no less than thirteen different countries worldwide! It serves me right for not calling a real expert – Duncan from newtonagaservices@sky.com who is our Aga Guru.
Main picture from http://www.agaliving.com the place to go for all things Aga!

You don’t ever want to spend time on the floor looking into this abyss, step away and call for Duncan!

Seasonal Shopping on the Global Online High Street!

Posted on December 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We are fast approaching the time when we’ll all play the ‘Blind-tasting Christmas shopping experience’. In other words, very soon the furthest we’ll venture out for gifts is to the fridge to fetch another beer! We’ll sit at home in front of the computer picking presents that are too expensive, sizes that don’t fit, and colours that are truly hideous if held up to the light. However it will save us from ‘those Christmas hits from the past’ that are driving us insane in shopping centres up and down the country! Welcome to the world of the Virtual Seasonal High Street…

Jingle tills! Jingle tills!
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to have
An Internet store today!

You don’t need the smart building,
There are no rates to pay,
There are no traffic wardens,
Jingle tills all the way!

Non delivery? Blame the driver,
You’ll believe anything I say,
You only have an E-mail address,
No phone complaints today!

When Christmas is over
No refund will we pay
Now we are in Hawaii!
Jingle tills all the way!

Turkey Tales 2: Alvin the Turkey!

Posted on December 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

When we used to rear turkeys for the Christmas market (see yesterday’s blog http://bit.ly/JzUDDr ). The close proximity of turkeys from August to December had a profound effect. By the time the last turkey had left the building on Christmas Eve, you were even dreaming about turkey, turkey turkey! Late one evening after many hours in the plucking shed, Mrs Bard collapsed exhausted in the chair, the cat jumped onto her lap and she attempted to pluck the moggie (which actually enjoyed the close attention). By Christmas Eve the rare hallucinogenic qualities associated with too much close contact with turkey was evident. The only cure being a session of cold turkey…

Alvin the Turkey wore glasses,
Without them he’d miss the path,
All the farm animals used to do pointing:
“There goes Alvin with Glasses,” they’d laugh!

Doreen his mother was a wise one,
Unfortunately she was also long dead,
She used to scold him at mealtimes,
Shouting “don’t gobble your food” and she said:

“If you take care of your figure,
You’ll be on the right side of thinner!
You’ll keep your voice and always rejoice,
And you’ll never become Christmas Dinner!”

The Seasonal Old Man!

Posted on December 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There seems to be a plethora of old men dressed in red around local towns this year. Some have gone to great lengths to be as realistic as possible and some have made hardly any effort at all. One I came across reminded me of passing an open pub door just before closing time. The genuine have been let down by the disingenuous…

I met an old man on the street of a town,
Was dressed in a smart red dressing gown!
He had a large sack slung over his shoulder,
Looked like my granddad, could have been older!
He asked me if I’d been a good boy,
Dependent on my answer he’d give me a toy!
When I told him quite how naughty I’d been,
He got quite abusive, quite obscene!
I told him not to bother, I needed no favours,
And while in town, he should visit Specsavers!

A Winter Warmer!

Posted on December 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day, son-in-law Bard and I went sawing wood. With great care (and an eye on the Health and Safety handbook) we used our sawbench/splitter and loaded the bucket on the JCB. The old David Brown tractor purred away on the mild December day. It was one of many warms twixt tree and fireplace and on such a mild day the sweat dripped under our protective gear…
Son-in-law John,
Sawing along,
We’re loading a bucket,
Without saying “f*ck it!”
While singing this old-fashioned song:

“How much wood,
Could a wood-cutter cut,
If a wood-cutter could cut wood?
It would be as much wood,
As a wood-cutter could,
When a wood-cutter should cut wood!”
And then went home for tea!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse