Congestion leads to Congestion Charge!

Posted on December 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a sentence that strikes terror into the heart of anyone who rarely drives into London: “Do you think we strayed into the Congestion Charge Zone?” I had to drive into the Capital recently to take an aged relative to the train and was beset by congestion. Luckily one of my travelling companions, Tom-Twice, had found a new route that despite severe congestion, was marginally quicker. Keeping my wits around me and concentrating on the traffic, I reached the station just in time. Mrs Bard then uttered those fateful words, “Do you think we breached the Congestion Charge Zone while we were in all that Congestion?” I rang Transport For London to check. However as with many civil contractors they were less than civil and suggested I wait for the postman to find out (and pay an increased fine of £65 rather than £8)…

I rang the hotline, to see if a fine,
Was owing for me to pay,
Had foray I’d made,
Into Congestion Zone strayed,
Could they please tell me if ‘yay?’

“I’m sorry Sir, she said with a burr,
I’m not at liberty to say,
You’ll just have to wait,
For a future date,
An increased penalty will find you that day”

I tried to plea, to see if she’d see,
Congestion had forced me to stray,
The traffic backed up,
My journey was fluffed,
Was late to Paddington that way!

They don’t give a damn, if car or a van,
Cos when they’ve got you, that’s it!
So I paid the damn fine,
And published this line,
TFL – you make me spit!

Apparently revenue raised has to go towards transport improvements in the Capital. Well I’ve got news for you Boris! You must be wasting it, because traffic flow was a joke when you stung me for £65… Someone suggested I should consider buying a petrol/electric Pious to avoid the charge altogether, although what it would think to being forced to drive across fields I have no idea!

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Bringing Outside Inside (how to confuse a terrier!)

Posted on December 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the weekend Mrs Bard and I went to buy a Christmas tree. While we moved the furniture we left the tree outside. We hadn’t told our terrier who took fright at the plastic wrapped tree and barked at it. Later on we confused the poor dog further by bringing the tree into the house…

The terrier looked at his owner and said:
“Is there something seriously wrong with your head?
Behind the house is woodland that’s yours,
Yet you buy a tree and bring it indoors!”

“Then you dress it all over with tinsel and balls,
And shout when I play with any that falls!
You fetch out some lights then swear as they fail,
It’s back to the shop, shame there’s no sale!”

“At last it is finished, you sit on the settee,
With a large glass of wine as proud as can be.
Within half an hour you suddenly swear,
When I cock my leg on the tree trunk that’s there!”

“I’m thrown out of the room
For ‘arbiratory pissing’
But you’ve failed to notice…
…how many chocolates are missing!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Future Face of Costume Drama!

Posted on December 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The spectacle of an epic costume drama on our screens is under threat. So prevalent are regulations, that in future all such productions will require all actors to wear fluorescent costumes and safety considerations will far outweigh any dramatic content…

The Downton of the future,
Will be the safest costume drama,
As all the staff,
Not allowed to laugh,
A fluorescent panorama!

‘Elf and Safety rules the set,
The producer’s bound in chains,
They have to cut,
The set to shut,
If it ever rains!

The lady of the house,
Has shown the crew her drawers,
She says, “Well,”
“This shoot is hell,”
Because of polished floors!

The gardeners in reflective gear,
Have ruined the latest scene,
You can see,
Behind a tree,
Them waiting for the Queen!

Jenkins the Butler wears armbands,
He never learnt to swim,
There’s a lake,
In tomorrows take,
Drowning chances slim!

A Rolls Royce pulls up outside,
A lord has come for tea,
It can’t be hot,
Not in the plot,
It tastes just like cold pee!

The director’s had a breakdown,
Face is pale and pasty,
In a darkened room,
Like the womb,
Because of Health and Safety!

The Offensive Weapon! (nearly armed and dangerous in Stevenage!)

Posted on November 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was shopping with Mrs Bard in a supermarket in Stevenage Old Town. When we reached the checkout there was a problem with one of our purchases. The till suggested that it had been removed from sale. An embarrassed supervisor finally explained that she was extremely sorry to inform us that we were unable to buy… a corkscrew.

The armed police have been called,
To an incident in the town,
A man is threatening to open,
A bottle and pass it round!

“Please take up positions,
On rooftops, in doorways,
He is armed with a corkscrew,
And dangerous in many ways!”

The negotiator is arriving,
Be here in a short time,
We expect a successful outcome,
He’s bought a spare bottle of wine!

While poking fun at regulations and our ridiculous ‘Elf and safety’ rules, this is not ridiculing, in any way, the wonderful and helpful staff at Waitrose in Stevenage. They deserve praise for their composure in the face of such stupidity.

Mr Blair Drummond (Chairman of the Corkscrew Safety Council) wrote in reply to this posting:
“You evidently need to apply for a CSC (Corn Screw Certificate), rather like a FAC (Fire Arms Certificate). You will need to have no criminal record; be judged mentally stable; be a member of a Home Office-approved corkscrew club; have undergone a minimum probationary period under supervision to ensure you are competent to handle a corkscrew, are proven to be safe when so doing, and know which is the dangerous end; keep up-to-date records of your corkscrew usage so that police can verify you are using it; and have a suitable BS-approved secure facility for storing your corkscrew(s) that has passed police inspection. Your training will teach you that you never carry a loaded corkscrew unless you are at / in a approved corkscrewing location, and if it is loaded, it is pointing in a safe direction. NEVER EVER point a corkscrew at any person unless you plan to pour them a glass. ALWAYS check that the corkscrew is unloaded (don’t take someone’s word for it) before loading. REMEMBER that a corkscrew is not suitable for screwtops.”

It is My Dog’s Fault! (I’m so tired!)

Posted on November 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I sat in front of Mrs Bard’s computer this morning and my mind went blank. It was a horrible sensation, almost like being weightless (I think!). I couldn’t find anything even mildly inspiring to put onto the blank page so I just let my fingers run and hoped for the best…

I’ve no idea what to say,
I have a blank page here today!
Original ideas I had no end,
My mind’s now blank, none to send!
I look through all I’ve done before,
Like used confetti on the floor.
I search for a picture that is right,
Find one of my dog I took last night!
I was trying at last to get into bed,
When all at once I spied a head,
He looked at me big brown eyes,
“I’m tired too, please sympathise!”
I ended up with knees on my chest,
My sleep last night not the best.
But at least I’m out of this tight hole,
And have a page of hyperbole!
All that’s left is for me to say,
Enjoy yourself and have a good day!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Naked Weeping Willow!

Posted on November 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Recent high winds have changed the landscape in many places where trees have fallen. On the farm we have been mostly lucky and have suffered few losses. However it has heightened our awareness of the danger posed by some tall trees. Recently we have taken remedial action, not just to save a tall and imposing tree, but also to protect buildings and possibly life too. The willow will recover quickly as it is a very fast growing species…

If our willow had hands,
It would be covering its privates,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had legs,
It would be running away,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had hair,
Its head would be chilly,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had a mouth,
It would be screaming for clothes,
Like a man caught naked!

But all it does is weep,
…Like a man caught naked!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Alice and the Seasonal Market!

Posted on November 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I wandered through a ‘seasonal’ street market. Quite which season it represented, I wasn’t sure, but lots of townsfolk seemed to be having fun. In the midst of all this gaiety I watched a mother tussle with her young daughter over a balloon. I felt for the mother who seemed to be destined for the losing side whatever the score…

Alice went to the street fair,
Held her patient-mother’s hand,
There were lots of stalls and candy floss,
And a Salvation Army band!

It was almost too early for Christmas,
Most of the stalls were such,
But Alice wanted a helium balloon,
For her small hands to clutch!

Her mother bought her a mince pie,
And a warming drink,
But didn’t buy a helium balloon,
Which made ‘dear’ Alice think.

Another girl with a red balloon,
Got in Alice’s way,
She sneakily kicked her on the shin,
The red balloon flew away!

Alice’s mother gave in to her,
The balloon emptied her purse,
Stood horrified as away it flied,
Which just made Alice worse!

With an apology to all Alice’s who are warm, loving and caring people and nothing like the Alice portrayed here! This is a work of fiction, no animals were hurt in the production process, this is a serving suggestion only.

Chocolate and Gin! (Or how to cure Man-Flu)

Posted on November 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening, Mrs Bard and I were in Waitrose. Much to Mrs Bard’s annoyance, I was sniffling. She made an instant diagnosis that sent a shiver down my spine – I had ‘influenza-terrible-pour-homme’. As she stood in front of a shelf groaning under the weight of remedies she ventured to suggest, to no one in particular, “if they made a cure for Man-Flu, they’d make millions!” As quick as a flash a member of staff who was stacking shelves, offered a solution…!

If you’ve got a touch of Man-Flu,
Your nose running faster than a Mo,
Don’t bother with traditional medicine,
Elsewhere in the shop you must go!

Buy a giant bar of chocolate,
One will do to begin,
Then it’s off to the drinks display,
To grab a litre bottle of gin!

Chocolate and gin, chocolate and gin!
Until you forget which room you are in!
In the morning no more flu,
A giant hangover, has cured you!

The Old Cock Pheasant!

Posted on November 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I opened the curtains this morning and there strolling across the lawn was a cock pheasant. He didn’t seem at all flustered at seeing me, I suppose he knew that I was unlikely to be carrying a gun while wearing pyjamas! We passed the time of day until he just wandered off, bored with human contact…

An old cock pheasant,
Once said to me,
“Life’s quite easy,
Being twenty-three!”

“I’ve had many wives,
They come and they go,
The last on was `Penelope,
Lost her in the snow!”

“Now I just stroll,
I don’t really worry,
It’s not that I’m in,
A rush or a hurry!”

“I nearly had my chips,
Met a fox in the rough,
I just said to him,
‘You’ll find me rather tough!’”

“I must be getting on,
Can’t stand and chat all day!”
And with those words,
The pheasant just strolled away!

The Jolly Sailor!

Posted on November 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Each week here in the UK, 26 pubs call time and shut their doors never to reopen. In some areas they become dwellings. Occasionally the name of the new house becomes the sole legacy of its former use. Recently I drove past an abandoned pub, complete with sign swinging on rusty hinges. It was derelict and called the Jolly Sailor…

Salty Sutton was a jolly sailor,
Sailed the Seven Seas,
But the greatest achievement in his life,
Was to down a pint with ease!
One time on leave from a tanker ship,
He returned to his old town,
No one had thought to tell him,
His local had closed down.
He went that night to another pub,
“You bastards!” he did cry,
“I turned my back for just six months,
And you drank my local dry!”
He stormed off to the dockside,
By now he’d had his fill,
And signed on for the nearest ship,
Heading for Brazil.
Nobody’s ever heard,
Of Salty Sutton since,
There’s talk he shares an apartment,
With a Brazillian chap called Vince!
The pub stands quiet and empty,
Still the doors a-shut-un!
Some say it’s due to an evil curse,
Evoked by Sailor Sutton!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse