Mastering the Wind and Waves!

Posted on November 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever watched a sport where you have not the faintest idea what is happening? Last weekend I watched Jamie Drummond, a Freestyle Windsurfer, in action at a competition in Weymouth, Dorset. Despite having driven from Vassaliki, Greece, where he is based with water-sport holiday company Ocean Elements (http://www.ocean-elements.com), he gave a masterful performance in 50 knot winds to deservedly be placed first equal. I heard him use phrases like ‘Spock’ and ‘Kono’ but despite becoming an instant expert in a baffling sport, have to admit I’m none the wiser…

Jamie Drummond is riding the waves,
The wind is howling (or sick!)
He’s managed to fall numerous times,
As he performs his latest trick!
Did I just see a ‘Burner’?
Perhaps a Shaka or Loop?
His Ponch must be worth many prizes,
While he pulls off a new Betty Boop!
If I were to take to the water,
I’d sink like a drunken waiter!
So for all concerned, I have learned,
It’s best that I’m a spectator!

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Portland Bill’s Windy Seas

Posted on November 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

At the weekend I went to see Portland Bill. Disappointed to see he was just a promentory and not an old sage, my attention was diverted by the storm-force Westerly making it hard to stand. On the horizon I spotted a large boat heading into the storm…

There’s a freighter
on the horizon,
sailing into
a brisk Westerly,
off the coast of Portland
(Dorset, not Oregon or Maine).
The wind is gusting,
fifty knots,
and still the ship,
floats gently by.
We on the shore,
lean into the wind
just to stand up straight,
while spray and wind tears
drip down,
our ruddy-red faces!
Up on deck,
the hardy sailors,
sing an old sea shanty,
as they go about their,
jolly sailoring…

“If I were a sailor on a very large boat,
I’d go ‘Ooh and Ahh and floaty float!’
And if by chance the ship went down,
I’d be far too fat to ever drown!
So ahoy me hearty’s and shiver me timbers,
We’re headed for port and up we limbers!”

A Tricky Treat!

Posted on November 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night was All Hallows Eve, known to millions as Halloween. An ancient Celtic custom of remembering loved-ones who have gone before us. This has since been exported, bastardised and re-imported in order to sell yet more tat in our supermarkets! I decided that I could not resist the attraction any longer and so I purchased a pair of special shoes and went out into the dark night…

Trick or Treat is never complete,
Without a scary sight,
But I bet, none will forget,
What they saw last night!
I’d found some boots on the internet,
That and a furry coat,
None can compare or even scare,
An idiot dressed as a goat!

A Dog’s Life!

Posted on October 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have two terriers who make a pretty good job of ruling our lives. I would like to say they earn their keep as farm dogs, ratting and mouseing all day long, but I’d be lying. They make the most of their ‘down-time’ to such an extent that there is no longer any pretence at having any ‘up-time’ at all! When I come back to this world I want to return as a dog, that is, a dog that lives here with me…

It’s a dog’s life,
I’ve always said,
They do as they wish,
Then they hog the bed!

They get up in the morning,
Breakfast claim,
Rush off down the garden,
Less keen in the rain!

Then it’s back to the Aga,
Or sneak off up to bed,
That it’s a dog’s life,
Nothing more to be said!

Novel Nautical Navigation Accessories (socks!)

Posted on October 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I spent the weekend on a boat. In keeping with an attempt to be nautical rather than agricultural, I wore a special pair of socks that friends Susan and Alex had supplied. Immediately I discovered a problem with a novel solution…

Having grown up so far from the sea,
Certain questions have always puzzled me!
Which side is green and which is red?
And why is the Loo always called the ‘Head’?

I stood out on the front of the ship,
Looked back to see which Nav-light lit?
Green on my left, red on my right,
Then about-turn to see which sock was right!
Hopping about, one foot in the air,
I got it wrong, close to despair!
So I gave up and with clever deductions,
I did the obvious – I read the instructions!
…and finally put the right sock on the right foot (I think!)
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Agricultural Time Traveler (third class!)

Posted on October 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

How many of you remember the ‘Back to the Future’ films 1985, 1989 & 1990? How many of you wanted to hop into that DeLorean car, get the ‘Embarrassment Eraser’ out and give parts of your life a good rub? I can remember a constant phrase of my youth seemed to be “if I had only known then…” One aspect of the films that I hadn’t registered was that the date on the time machine console just happened to be my 30th birthday, October 26^th1985! Unfortunately I received no credit, but there again the only part I had played was being born on that date many years before…

If I could travel back in time,
I probably wouldn’t be writing rhyme!
I’d have grown the very best crops,
Invented combine-harvested hops!
I’m sure I’d have won an award by now,
Stood on a stage and taken a bow!
I might have passed many exams,
Had a flock of sheep, breeding rams!
I could have run ten-thousand metres,
Or competed against true world beaters!
But here I am back from the past,
My DeLorean’s rusty and no longer fast!
But one thing I discovered, it’s better to be,
Satisfied with life than un-ha-pp-y!
On my next trip back, just one more time,
I’ll get help in making my words rhyme!
If our lifetime-gearboxes had reverse,
We’d probably end up making things much worse.
So I’ll wish myself a Happy Birthday,
Since you ask… threw the keys away!

Michael J Fox (who played Marti McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy is now 52 years old and actively campaigns on behalf of those who suffer with Parkinson’s Disease following his own diagnosis in 1990.

A Tail of Three Monkeys!

Posted on October 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My granddaughter Marsya has a monkey that is her constant companion. In order to preserve the bloodline there are also two spares! If the three monkeys ever meet they have to be forcibly separated. They tend to become vicious and attempt to discredit the other in an effort to become ‘The One!’ As they say in films, ‘It’s Complicated’…
Spare Monkey lies upon the floor,
He’s just been dropped his head is sore!
He thinks he may be on his way,
To join them all on holiday!
But we all know that won’t be,
There’s only room for one monkey!
Other Spare Monkey sits upon the chair,
Sulking because she’s not there,
He knows that she’s on holiday.
Why he was left no one will say,
So he sits with an angry face,
Because he was left out from the case!
Main Monkey sits in his rightful place,
Just an inch from Marsya’s face!
The other monkeys can go swing,
They are spares, he’s the thing!
However he tells them it’s not all fun,
“You have to work hard to be Number One!”

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Red in the Morning, Shepherd’s Warning!

Posted on October 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This has been a year of stunning red sunsets and wet weekends! Why can’t we confine precipitation to weekday nights and have dry Saturdays and Sundays? (not to mention Bank Holidays!) Of course that would be too utopian and dissent would soon follow! A couple of mornings ago nature put on a wonderful light show. It was so spectacular I had to phone-a-shepherd to seek an explanation…

The other morning,
Out of the blue,
The sky turned red!

Suspecting an alien
invasion of Baldock,
or at the very least,
a celestial
disturbance
or simply
a manifestation
of an ancient
weathered rhyme,
I rang a shepherd,
that I happen to know.

He said
it was probably,
just a warning!

Of what,
he declined to say!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am
Tomorrow Morning
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Sammy the Lazy Seagull!

Posted on October 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A recent report suggested that seagulls were becoming a menace in seaside resorts. It would seem that they are no longer sea-faring folk but have opted for an easier life. Strange how nature sometimes mirrors our own behaviour…

Sammy Seagull’s father used to say:
“Follow the trawler every day,
That’s how you get the freshest fish,
To make an amazing dinner dish!”

Sammy however was a lazy sod,
Couldn’t be bothered to fly for cod,
He just waited at the edge of town,
Where tourist coaches turned around!

While pensioners went to the takeaway,
He’d sit by the benches then ‘Whey-hey!’
Chips with cod coated in batter,
No trawler around didn’t matter!

Autumn arrives where’s Sammy now?
Flown inland to follow the plough!
The farmer ploughs and the furrow turns,
Exposing thousands of wriggly worms!

In cold bleak winter, frozen pip,
Sammy lives by the landfill tip,
On the hour to feed the brood,
The dustcart brings yet more food!

Sammy’s the fattest gull around,
He’s almost too large to leave the ground!
Meanwhile his father, knackered and thin,
Waits at the harbour for his boat to come in!

Trimming the Ears on the Topiary Donkey!

Posted on October 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a demanding piece of topiary in the farmhouse garden that is supposed to be a man on a donkey wearing a Russian-type fur hat! It is a nightmare to clip. One wrong thrust with the shears, and six generations of careful grooming (and slipshod un-artistic clipping by the seventh – me!), goes down the pan! I fear it is beginning to look like a large Siberian riding Mickey Mouse (however it is open to artistic interpretation)…
The donkey goes:
“Clip Clop,
Clip Clop,
Clip Clop!”
The shears go:
“Clip Clip,
Clip Clip,
Clip Clip – Damn!”

It’s topiary time in the garden,
Time for a pre-winter trim,
I’m being careful with the big ears,
Not hacking away on a whim!
Why has the man a fur hat?
Was it so cold years ago?
It must have been different to nowadays,
That’s Global Warming for you don’t you know!
I clip and stand back from my subject,
The ears are looking quite strange,
One wrong clip and they’ll just be compost,
Looks like a spot of the mange!
I feel many eyes a-watching,
They’ve come from the churchyard to see,
Grand-dad is leaning on his crutches,
Laughing to bust over me!
My mother, Lord bless her, is frowning,
She wants to grab hold of the shears,
Her ghostly hands just run through them,
Whoops! There goes a piece of the ears!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse