Watching Meteorites in a Dirty Sweatshirt!

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Painting SweatshirtLast night Mrs Bard and I sat outside in the dark looking up at the sky. The news had said that from 10.30pm there would be a massive number of meteorites coming at us from the North East. The end result was rather disappointing as we only counted ten in an hour…

Sitting outside,
On two chairs facing North-East,
In the dark,
On a summer’s evening,
Looking up until your neck aches,
For a meteor shower.
Light pollution to the left of us,
Light pollution behind,
Lots of people don’t even know the sky exists,
Because of their precious street lights.
But where are the meteors,
Where is the shining tail as they,
Race across the nighttime sky,
Leaving just memories,
Of their death-throes
As they attempt fruitless entry.
My sweatshirt is painted like the night sky,
From a hundred swishes of the paintbrush,
On a ceiling some years ago.
But unlike the sky,
It can be seen by day
But not at night!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above


The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
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Up On The Roof!

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On the RoofWe’ve had the roofers in and when I took them a cup of tea mid-morning I found myself singing an old Drifter’s hit – ‘Up on the roof!’ I think they’d heard it before as they raised their eyes to the sky although they may have been checking for rain. I was amazed that despite the rough-looking state of the cedar-wood shingles, there were a few more years life there, however ‘a stitch in time saves a Drifter-esque rhyme’…

When this old world starts getting you down,
And buckets are just too much for me to face,
I climb way up to the top of the stairs,
And all my cares drip right into place!
On the roof it’s slippery as can be,
And you can slide right off the edge you see!
Let me tell you now,
When I’m in plaster from my head to feet,
I know my life is now good and complete!
(Up on the roof)
I lie in the ward feeling bruised and proud,
I can’t feel my hands, nor my feet
On the roof,
There is only one place that I know,
Where you just have to slip to make it so!
Let’s go up on the roof
Up on the roof…

With massive apologies to Gerry Goffin and Carole King. My only defence being that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Full song available on u-tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7F_opWg9_qI

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above


The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
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A Cloudy Spillage!

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Cloudy SkyThis morning the clouds have a reddish hue overlaying dark! It seems strange to me that something so obviously physical is just a collection of water droplets that you can fall through (if unlucky) and fly through (if lucky!). It is little wonder that early man thought it was home to the Angry Gods that warned people with thunder and smote the wicked with lightening. However this morning’s colour looks remarkably like tractor diesel…

Looking up,
At the clouds,
This morning,
0530 hours,
(Army time).
It looked as if,
Someone up there,
Had spilt red diesel,
On the clouds,
When filling,
A heavenly tractor!
The Environment Agency,
Won’t like that,
At all.
God is in,
For a hefty fine!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above


The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
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The Absence of Supermarket Bears!

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Chapman's SalmonMany years ago there was a small girl who was frightened by a bear in the cartoon film ‘Ice Age’. In an attempt to pacify her, I told her and her sister that there were no bears in local supermarkets. The reason being that supermarket fish was not fresh enough and as we all know, bears only like fresh fish!
Last Friday, Mrs Bard caught three fresh salmon at our local butcher (Chapman & Sons, Baldock). They had journeyed down from Scotland overnight and were almost as fresh as if they had been caught in a local river. Their freshness reminded me of the post-script to the story (I’m sure I spied a bear in Chapman’s)

Hannah and sister Sarah,
At a supermarket in the town,
Strode up to the fish counter,
And looked it up and down!

“Please mister tell us,
Have you have seen a bear,
Wandering round the store,
About this big with lots of hair?”

The man behind the counter,
Was somewhat taken aback:
“Of course we have no bears,
Or I would face the sack!”

“That’s a disappointment!
Borne out in the flesh,
Because it suggests to us,
That your fish is just not fresh!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Wester Ross Salmon is available from Chapman’s the Butcher’s, High Street, Baldock. www.chapmansbutchers.com (01462 892359) along with other fine meats, fish, South African delicacies and groceries

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Litter Picker!

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The Litter PickerSome have voiced surprise when they see me wearing my ‘Jack of All Trades’ hat at the car boot sales. Some have even said: “Aren’t you the one who showed me where to park, took my money and serviced the loos?” I have been known in the past to suggest that my evil twin collected the money! By the time I pick up the litter, everyone has gone. It’s like having a party: Everyone is keen beforehand and too many cooks are busy spoiling the broth. Come tidying up time they seem to have done a Houdini and you’re on your own. It is the time of day when energy is truly sapped and batteries need recharging…

I’m not a litter picker,
I’m a litter picker’s mate.
I’m always picking litter,
Even when the Bootsale’s late!
So if you see me picking,
And you feel you can’t relate,
Just shout, “Hello Litter Picker!”
And head off for the gate!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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They All Went into Town Riding Goats!

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Three Men Riding GoatsThe other evening Mrs Bard and I went out to a party. It was one of those occasions where the mix of people was so eclectic that the ‘they-said-what? I-don’t-believe-it’ content of conversation varied from the sublime to the extreme. It was one of those wonderful opportunities to harvest small amounts of out-of-context conversation that make for such misunderstandings in our daily lives…

A woman sat talking at a party,
In a voice that created no tingles!
“We went to Spain, won’t go there again,
My husband survived on Pringles!

A girl, I suppose in her twenties,
was confiding one with another,
“I really can’t see why he didn’t agree,
When she found he’d slept with her brother!”

A big old man in the corner,
His dustbin collection had a glitch,
“They’ve changed the size and what goes inside,
I no longer know what goes with which!”

In the kitchen while preparing a salad,
A lady was holding forth on her child,
“His teacher remarked that when both of them sparked,
The whole of the class just ran wild!”

Two men clutching beer in conversation,
Both had long disposed of their coats,
“My old father says, he once wore a fez,
while they all went to town riding goats!”

On the way back from the party,
I turned to my dearest and said,
“I had a great time, I must write a rhyme,
And let all of these words from my head!”

*photograph copyright holder unknown, found in the public domain.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Summer Robin!

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summer robinThe other day I saw a robin. I know I’ve seen them about before, but it seemed unseasonal. I began to wonder if there was an old country saying like: “A robin seen in July will make them hoggetts fly!” or similar. And then it struck me that I was just thinking nonsense again…

Where do young robins go in summer?
Do they go abroad?
Or do they just hang around the streets,
Doing nuffink and looking bored?

Do their mothers just despair,
About their friends and berate,
Their husbands when they come back from work,
“He’s out again ‘till late!”

Do they suddenly become responsible?
With a nest of their very own,
And Grandma Robin knits red breasts,
For grandchildren at home!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Buying Fish and Chips can Damage your Health!

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Hanging BasketsWe’ve all read reports where ‘elf and safety’ has put a stop to an innocent pleasure due to idiocy by a member of the public. Last night I almost became such a person, much to the amusement of a man walking on the other side of the street. Going to buy fish and chips can damage your health…

I went to fetch fish and chips,
I took a walk through town,
The evening was sunny and warm,
Not many folk around.

I felt like some music,
So with earpiece playing,
I wandered happily down the street,
Humming with thoughts a-straying!

I noticed a van tending baskets,
On the other side of the road,
I thought how funny if it showered,
A pedestrian, with watery load!

All of a sudden without warning,
My hair was feeling wet,
I was underneath a basket,
Learning a lesson I won’t forget!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Big Yellow Man with Sore Shoulders!

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Big YellowAfter a glorious Friday it looks like Saturday is going to be a perfect summer’s day as well! Hello water shortage, hello hose-pipe ban! I see mass stupidity gathering on the horizon as self-appointed guardians rush to protect us from ourselves…

I wonder how many,
Are felling quite sore,
On parts of their bodies,
Not exposed before!
Perhaps it’s their back,
Or even their chest,
We won’t travel any further,
That would be best!
The back my neck,
Is a little warmed,
So please wear sunscreen,
You have been warned!

Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy summer while it is here!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Aprollocks in June!

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G Bards DiaryI was looking through Great-Grandfather Bard’s diary and came across an entry for 31st May 1878. ‘Rayne and hayle all day, Father used to singe at this time of yeare’:

‘In merrye olde England in Maye
My Trussock would sing every daye
“one brantag while scrollocking in June,
means aprollock wone be ‘ere too soon”’

Translation:
Trussock: Young servant girl, occasionally used to mean young goat or gerbil.
Brantag: A sittingroom fire lit in the early afternoon sometimes used to suggest a cold afternoon.
Scrollocking: The sound of hail on the cattle yard roof.
Apollock: A perfect hay-making day, warm sun with a slight breeze that dries the hay quickly.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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