Summer Solstice 2013!

Posted on June 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The above picture was taken this morning at 6:04am, the time of the Summer Solstice. I had donned my (Baldock) bardic robes and wearing my sanctified sandals, sacrificed a goat by the sacred stone whilst saluting the sun (put a sheet around my shoulders, found an old pair of Crocs and held a picture of a surfing goat while looking out of the window at the grey clouds). Many years ago, on the site now occupied by our ancient village church, pagan activities such as sun worshiping may have taken place. These days, thanks to global warming, we very rarely even see the sun, so perhaps we should give it a try…
Way down West in Stonehenge,
When the sun rose early this morning,
A lot of men with goat-like beards,
Wearing sandals, chanting and snorting!
A surfing goat put to sea,
Just because she could.
Unfortunately she couldn’t see
The trees for all the wood!
So if you’re wondering and quite confused,
As to where this verse is heading,
You’re almost as confused as the surfing goat,
Who thought she was in Reading!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Truth About Dinosaurs!

Posted on June 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Most children of a certain age are honest, brutally so. Most adults aren’t. The following is partially a true story. You’ll have to decide for yourselves what is true and what is not…

A little boy
Said to me recently:
“You don’t half look old!”
I said to him,
Without a pause:
“When I was your age I used to ride dinosaurs!”

He looked at me,
Mouth agape.
I continued:

“Some of them flew,
But in the days before runways,
It was often a bumpy take-off.”

“Some ran,
Faster than a speeding train,
But without the tracks to guide them,
You never knew just where they would go:
I once ended up outside Edinburgh by mistake.”

“Some became extinct
Because they just sat,
Deep in their caves,
Looking down at their little hands,
On the end of their stubby arms,
Wondering if they would ever be able
To suck their thumb!”

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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You’re Safer Ordering the Giant Hot Dog!

Posted on May 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Ordering food can be tricky when you don’t know what you want. One minute you fancy something simple but once you look at the menu you suddenly realize that the first idea is like an entrée and you’re lining up an eat-a-thon! The big problem for me is that I like food, it’s as simple as that. No need for expensive hours in therapy, gabbing away on a couch trying to reach my inner soul. I’m only too aware of where it is, it’s trying to break out above my belt-line…

I ate a giant hot dog,
Nothing could compare,
Except a unicorn burger,
That I once had at a fair!

It was kind of sparkley,
And tasted oh, so so,
I’d never eaten unicorn before,
So I guess I wouldn’t know.

So if you buy a burger,
And you find a rainbow hair,
Swop it for a hot dog,
Because unicorn is rare!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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When Geese Play Trains!

Posted on May 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is something very majestic about geese gently floating down the river. They seem to have few cares in the world and just let life float by. However I am, of course, looking over into my neighbours garden and seeing a perfectly tended lawn without a weed in sight! We all tend to see only the finished product without any of the hard work…

Mr and Mrs Goose and Mr and Mrs Goose,
Are floating down the river.
They don’t seem to care about much,
They’ve got Tesco to deliver!

The Goslings are playing ‘trains’
Just like the ones passing by,
Whisking commuters up to town,
Under a bright blue sky!

But underneath the water,
Are some very large rocks,
These they float right over,
But they can’t ignore the fox!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Sinking Phone!

Posted on May 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Hazel attempting to send a text on the nearest available power tool!
Friend Hazel has lost her phone. Unfortunately its last ringtone was ‘plop’ as it fell into the River Great Ouse. Surprisingly husband Matt (Big Matt, the Handy Handyman), refused to leap into the river to save it from a watery grave. Some have cruelly suggested that her next phone should have Handel’s Water Music as the ringtone or River Deep (mountain high). However all is not lost as the phone has been adopted by a group of fresh-water mussels and is enjoying its new life…

What’s that floating in the river?
Oh look it’s Hazel’s phone!
No more calls it will deliver,
From its watery home!

No more pictures will it send,
It’s battery life is over,
Perhaps it’s looking for a friend?
Or a dogfish that’s called Rover!

It is ‘singing with the fish’,
That Electric Eel’s a shocker!
It is happy in its new home now,
In Davy Joneses Locker!

Big Matt the Handyman is in the West Cambs/North Beds area NOW!
Call 07725 007 454
He may be tall, but no job’s too small!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Joy and Destruction of Hen and Stag Weekends!

Posted on May 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

According to the press, it’s high season for stag and hen week-ends. No longer is a simple evening out enough, it has turned into a mini-break designed to outdo the last one! Poor old Blackpool has come in for some stick recently having apparently taken over the mantle of Hen/Stag HQ, from Riga (somewhere in the Baltic, since you asked!). No longer is it ‘Kiss Me Quick’ on the seaside hats but ‘Quick Be Sick!’. Every generation has had its Achilles Hell, without which the tabloids would carry no news! So here’s to Hens, Stags (and Asprin!)…

My friend’s not speaking to me any more,
He’s very cross, his bride is sore,
I don’t really know what to say,
It wasn’t only me who spoilt their day.
It wasn’t me, I thought it was you,
Who put him on that train for Crewe!
I thought you’d checked that he had money,
At the time we thought it was so funny.
But I felt my stomach lurch,
When he didn’t turn up for his bride to church.
Apparently we are all to blame,
For putting him on the northern train.
She also says we’re ‘rebel rousers’,
For leaving him without his trousers!
I’m quite sure it’ll settle down,
But until then we’d better leave town!
Lucy Locket, sick in her pocket
Like a fish did flounder!
Tried to stand without support
of her drunken friends around her!
Little Boy Blue,
Asleep on the lawn,
He’s feeling poorly and all forlorn!
Where is the groom that is marrying today?
Still on the bench and far away!
Little Bo Peep,
Dressed up as a sheep,
On her back a large red L!
She will go home,
No more shall she roam
Tomorrow her head will be hell!
Jack and Jill
Both fell ill
On a stag and hen weekend!
Jill fell down
Ripped her bridal gown
And Jack’s still in Southend!
Please do not try this at home, serving suggestion only!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Serene Swan!

Posted on April 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

How do you work best? Do you need a deadline and find that last-minute pressure guarantees your best performance? Or are you mega-organised, coasting through your working day like a helium balloon on a gentle breeze? In my little world, the pressure is on full volume at the moment and the oven is set to gas mark 9. Despite having had six months of an empty field to prepare for a new season of car boot sales, the weather and my poor time management has led to a last minute panic. It has to be ready for 7am Saturday morning or customers will be disappointed and have yet another excuse to laugh at me (rather than my choice of hat). However all is not lost, I am doing my slow breathing exercises: breath in… breath out… and thinking calm thoughts…

I saw a serene swan,
gently floating on the water.
I called out, “Mrs Swan,
tell me, how’s your daughter?
And how is it that,
when all around could scream,
all you seem to do,
is gently float on down the stream?”

The swan looked at me,
neither bitter nor afraid:
“You really do not get it,”
she sounded quite dismayed.
“You think I’ve time to stop,
to enquire if you are well,
when underneath the surface
I am paddling hard as hell!”

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am this Saturday 13-4-13
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Buttons the Pirate!

Posted on April 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Friends have a dog called Buttons. Yesterday the vet had to remove one of Button’s eyes. Buttons has been transformed in an instant. Known locally as ‘a mild-mannered and gentle sort’, the operation has revealed an alter ego: The Pirate Buttons, leader of the craziest bunch of smuggling cut-throats that ever wore a dog collar! Don’t anyone dare mention Cinderella or pantomimes, you could find yourselves sent to Davy Jones’s Locker (Oh yes you will! Oh no you won’t! repeat until bored)…

Buttons is a pirate,
Rules the Severn Seas!
His deputy head,
is a Setter (red),
who never ever says ‘please!’

A parrot on the shoulder,
A patch upon the eye!
A single slash,
with a cutlass rash,
watch out passers by!

The gang are ruthless cut-throats,
A Doberman tried to blag!
Walked the plank,
outside the bank,
head covered by a used poo bag!

Around Topsham in Devon,
Where there smugglers be!
In darkened bars,
selling hooky jars,
of Pedigree Chum for tea!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Silent Segue!

Posted on April 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was queuing in the local bank. When a teller became free, the girl standing in front of me didn’t move. I coughed politely with no reaction. Thinking she may be hearing-impaired, I lightly tapped her on the shoulder. She turned, gave me a withering look and advanced towards the vacant window, but not before I’d glimpsed the tell-tale white wires trailing from beneath her hair…

When Ear-bud Erika walks the streets,
Her head is full of crazy beats!
Wherever she goes she never hears,
Because of the music in her ears.
In the bakers nothing was said,
Because she was listening to tracks from Bread!
In the estate agents quiet as a mouse,
She was tuned in to Techno-House!
In the showroom a Bavarian Motor Werke,
Tune was Autobahn by Kraftwerke!
A friend suggested a Pink welly,
She replied “not on your Nelly!”
Down a one way street without correction,
“It’s OK, as only One Direction!”
Someone offered her a glass of Vouvray,
“I’d rather have a glass of Michael Bublé”
Passed an undertakers nothing said,
She was entranced by the Grateful Dead.
On the golf course she was seen
Putting, OK, Cee Lo Green!
At her party her boyfriend took pics,
of her listening to NOW 26!
Through the day folks called her a @$&*
Didn’t hear, thanks to James Blunt!

Picture Notes: I always try to use my own pictures. On this occasion I feared for my health had I attempted to photograph the subject. Therefore I have used ‘The Girl with Pearl Earbud’ by Aaron Jasinski, a wonderful piece of art based on ‘Girl with the Pearl Earring by Johannes Vermeer.

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Not Banbury Cross!

Posted on April 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have always liked nursery rhymes. Their often deceivingly difficult rhyming patterns, along with pantomime-style double meanings, conspire to catch out the innocent reader.
My six-month-old granddaughter is a delight, in fact had I known what fun it was to have a grandchild, I’d have chosen to have one before children! I took a photo of her astride a toy pink pony. A very amateur ten minutes with Photoshop and an idea of a new version of a classic nursery rhyme took shape. So this is my take on ‘imitation being the sincerest form of flattery’…

Go to the races, Royal Ascot of course,
To see a young lady upon a pink horse!
With bling on her fingers,
The air through her toes,
She will be a winner, her Granddad knows!

Have a great Holiday Monday!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse

Summer Solstice 2013!

The Truth About Dinosaurs!

You’re Safer Ordering the Giant Hot Dog!

When Geese Play Trains!

The Sinking Phone!

The Joy and Destruction of Hen and Stag Weekends!

The Serene Swan!

Buttons the Pirate!

The Silent Segue!

Not Banbury Cross!