Consequences!

Posted on November 5, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I woke up in a cold sweat, memories of the night before playing as if constant replay. Questions had no answers: What had I said? What had I done? What would be the consequences of my actions? I was confused…

I woke up this morning
My mouth was desert-dry
My vision was impaired
I did not realise why
I then remembered
The events of the night before
It all became clearer
Why my head was sore

The wine had been good
The whiskey was a malt
And as for the port
A cranial assault
I was helped up the stairs
Or at least I must have been
Apparently my language
Was really quite obscene

At the breakfast table
Silent accusations
Will surely be leading to
Unpleasant recriminations
But all of a sudden
The alarm clock rents the air
I remembered I don’t drink
It was just a bad nightmare!

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Twenty-One (Again)!

Posted on October 26, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Today sees me celebrate my 57^th birthday. Quite how I’ve lasted this long, medical science cannot explain. I do have a theory though, regarding cakes and in particular birthday cakes: The more birthday cakes you have, the older you get, therefore cake must be good for you, however…

I’ve always been very fond of cake
The thought sets my taste buds racing
But there’s one cake that I’d rather forget
The kind that today I’m facing!

It reminds me that I’m getting old
An annual pilgrimace I make
It’s got more candles that St Peters in Rome
Another birthday cake!

I have so many blessings
Have no regrets at all
And now I have a granddaughter…
I can’t wait to introduce her to the delights of yummy chocolate cake!
Best wishes to you all from a very elderly Baldock Bard!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Dragon!

Posted on October 25, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

A man in Baldock owns a dragon! He holds down a managerial position, has a mortgage and a mid-range Ford, yet believes he owns a dragon. It is a sign of our strange times that a perfectly sensible man can be so addicted to an internet gaming site that it has skewed his grip on reality. Must away to work on my virtual farm and feed the unicorns…

A bloke I know has a dragon
A secret from his wife
His workmates all tell him
He’s got to get a life!

He’s had it for a fortnight
It’s the pet he loves the most
It came across the cat
The pussy’s now a roast!

He’s concerned for its welfare
Is careful what it’s eating
He says it will be useful
To power the central heating!

The neighbours are concerned
Their stress levels are complete
They’ve been on to the council
Scorch marks in the street!

He even named it Sandra
(After his wife of course)
Someone went and told her
Now it’s the dragon or divorce!

Thanks to Paul from www.scottcampers.com for the story (give him a VW van and some cash and he’ll convert it to a campervan you’ll want to show the neighbours!).
If you have any unusual friends, hobbies or hang-ups please let me know as I’m always on the look-out for inspirational topics.

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Lamb with Apple Sauce!

Posted on October 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Hurrah! The orchard that we planted in 2011 is bearing fruit. Seventeen apples to be precise. It is also home to some of the best grass mowers money can’t buy: Merlin, Nuthatch (known as ‘Nutty’) and Nightjar, three very photogenic and championship-winning Black-Welsh rams belonging to a local stockman. While out harvesting the large crop this morning I started to sing an ancient nursery rhyme. You may just be able to sing it too…

Baa baa black sheep
Can I have an apple?
No Sir, No Sir,
They’re all for the chapel!

One for the minister,
And one for Elaine,
And one for Gareth Bale,
Who plays at White Hart Lane!

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Ode to Chocolate Mousse!

Posted on October 10, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

You are so wonderful,
You are so sweet,
Without your presence,
A meal’s incomplete!

I see you nestling,
Upon my spoon,
And know we’ll be together,
Very soon!

And then the taste,
Reaches it’s destination,
And I don’t much care,
About damnation!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Camouflaged Parking!

Posted on October 6, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Vehicles can now be ‘painted’ in ways unthinkable just a few years ago. One new idea is called wrapping and involves a large computer-generated sticker to be stuck to the outside of the car. This is then heated with a large ‘hairdryer’ and trimmed to fit. When done badly the results can be appalling but when done well it can be very effective…

I went to park in the car park,
I chose an empty space.
It wasn’t all that large,
I wanted to park in that place!

I lined up our large car,
To be able to open the door.
I needed to get the shopping in,
Not drop it on the floor!

Mrs Bard shouted a warning,
I obeyed to save my health.
In the parking space I’d chosen,
Was an Audi – totally stealth!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Matteo’s Big Meal!

Posted on August 27, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

We have an Italian friend called Matteo who is very fond of curry. A former junior cycling champion and pole vaulter, he is also very tall and according to his wife, takes a lot of filling! His Mama would be so disappointed at his reaction to one of her nation’s favourite dishes…

Matteo Simcockoni is hungry again,
He asks his wife what’s for tea?
She replies that due to his size,
He’d better just wait and see!

Though he repeats at differing times,
The answer remains as before:
“There’s only cannelloni to fill your bellyoni,
There’ll be plenty if you want some more!”

He wants to go down to the Indian,
Where they do a fine curry with sauce,
At the end of the day he’d rather just say:
“Could eat cart as well as the horse!”

“Very well dear’” he eventually said,
(For food his stomach did pine),
“I think you’re right and just for tonight,
Cannelloni would suit me just fine!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Apple and the Gooseberry

Posted on July 6, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The path of love seldom runs smoothly. This is particularly true amongst fruit. Lemons and Oranges, despite being part of the same Citrus family can never be put on the same table at weddings. Other fruits are more tolerant of each other’s differences…

The apple and the gooseberry
Went on a date
The date was un-amused
The apple turned up late!

The gooseberry asked the apple
“Can I take you out?”
They enjoyed each others company
And love began to sprout!

The gooseberry was all hairy
The apple turned quite red
Wasn’t long before
They went to the asparagus bed!

Soon they would not separate
Together everywhere
And all their fruity friends
Knew they were a pair!

They tied the knot in Waitrose
Just outside Carlisle
An Orange gave the bride a walk
Down the fresh-fruit aisle!

The path of love was rocky
Can happen as a rule
The apple became a tart
While the gooseberry was a fool!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Rat Nav!

Posted on June 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

We’ve just bought a new Sat Nav. It does everything apart from cook the breakfast. It always speaks with authority even when sending you to a completely different destination. My daughter, as a joke, put a toy rat on the dashboard of my trusty and rusty farm 4×4, we all call it Rat Nav…

My Rat-Nav suits me very well,
It doesn’t speak, it doesn’t tell,
No “Turn left at the next ‘T’ junction,”
You can’t switch off its 3D function.
When approaching speed cameras it doesn’t bleep,
I’m pretty sure it’s fast asleep!
It doesn’t recommend where to eat,
Local pub or children’s treat.
It doesn’t run the battery down,
It’s only movement is a frown.
No need for electronics when on Mrs Bard’s lap
There’s an analog Sat-Nav called a map!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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At the Boot Sale! (Jubilee pt2)

Posted on June 2, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

What do you do with a full-size cardboard cut-out when it’s drizzling with rain? Simple – you put it in the car along with the famous ‘Rat-nav’!
Made people look,
Made people stare,
Made people think…
That the Queen was there!
© Baldock Bard

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Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse