Category Archives: Silly Verse

The Multi-Tasking Failure!

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I spent last Saturday on a narrow boat moored beside a butter-cup-laden grass field at Hemmingford in Cambridgeshire. As well as being the day of a certain well-publicised royal wedding, it was also my wife and my 39thwedding anniversary. How she has put up with me for all those years I’ll never fully understand. However I was on my best behavior and things were going well until I took our two terriers for a long walk…

A farmer you know walked two terriers on leads,
from a distance you could hear his cussing and pleads!
You also notice he’s on the phone,
a multi-tasking man out on his own!
He meets a couple with a puppy in tow,
quite well behaved no lead don’t you know,
all of a sudden a terrier breaks free,
it’s collar’s empty on the lead now you see!
The two absconders run out of sight,
a shaggy black puppy and terrier with fight,
thankfully they run to the farmer’s wife on her boat,
when he finally arrives (I’m not going to quote!),
she note from his breathlessness not all’s gone to plan,
“You can’t multi task because you are a man!”

Have a terrific Tuesday and if things go wrong, don’t admit you were on the phone!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
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The Hooded Camera

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Driving along the A1 trunk road yesterday, I noticed that many of the speed cameras were hooded. Were they jealous of their cousins who get to go to weddings, parties and happy occasions? Had they seen something that had made them need counselling? Maybe they were no longer needed as a deterrent as everyone now slows down to half the speed limit? Perhaps those in charge should remove them and erect them next to local schools or give them a holiday? I am confused…

The cameras are all covered,
to protect them from what they’ll see,
maybe it’s an order,
to make them more P.C.?
They’re nowhere near a school,
old folks home or suchlike,
a footbridge over the carriageway,
so no toddlers on a trike.
If I were in charge of cameras,
I would cut a hole,
and catch out all the speeders,
with increased police patrol!

If you’re travelling today please take care and arrive at your destination safely. Arriving late is better than not arriving at all.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

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Kevin Cycles!

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The warmer weather, whilst bringing out barbecues, picnic rugs and paddling pools, also brings out cyclists onto the roads. While most are considerate and safety conscious, there are some who see car drivers as the enemy and behave accordingly. This is all the more apparent on country roads and lanes, where space is already at a premium…

When Kevin dons his lycra,
he finds he’s at a loss,
why motorists seem to swear at him,
‘cos he thinks he’s the boss!
He swoops down country lanes,
he doesn’t give a damn,
in his mind you will find,
he thinks that he’s ‘The Man!’
A mummy’s doing the school run,
Little Freddie calls her ‘a bitch’,
for a moment she’s distracted,
and Kevin’s in the ditch.

Ride carefully Kevin. With apologies to all the considerate and careful riders out there, keep peddling and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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The Spider and the Spoon!

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I must have been playing in the long grass when my mother gave her cubs the etiquette lesson because I’m a social failure. Either I get motor-mouth-bore factor 50 or I am struck dumb with gargoyle-stone-tongue-syndrome. On Sunday I went to a wonderful 60th birthday party, lovely surroundings, sunshine, very tasty wine, marquee on an English lawn, one of over 100 guests and a seating plan for lunch. I knew quite a few of the other guests but have an inbuilt dread of seating plans. We sat down for lunch and I found myself between the daughter of the birthday-girl (a young and pretty Australian nurse) and a spritely and feisty grandmother. I tried to be a good guest, attempting to share attention, until the grandmother dug me in the ribs with a well-sharpened elbow…

“I think that you will find,
there’s a spider in your spoon,
and as it’s nearly two,
they’ll serve pudding very soon!”
I looked at my cutlery,
and suddenly could see,
the ‘spider’ she was talking about,
was the roof of the marquee!
In horror my brain went frozen,
what was I to do?
Suggest a trip to Specsavers,
or dash out to the loo?
So I picked up the spoon,
and gave it a mighty clack,
then she said the immortal words:
“Oh look! The spider’s back!”

With massive apologies to my wonderful lunchtime neighbours for the embellishment of the simple tale. Although in my defence, I did tell the grandmother as I took the photo that I had no idea how I’d include a spoon into a verse!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Something Called Love!

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We have rescued another duck, this time a white female who was abandoned when her owners moved house and left her behind. After a few false starts when she assumed she was a rather small goose and tagged onto the others, she has now settled down and is attempting to attract the eye of another of our residents…

Miss Jemima Duddlepuck’s boyfriend,
is very very shy,
pretends he cant’t see her,
when she gives him the eye!
He hides his head,
when she says “look at me!”
He quietly responds,
“it’s no use I can’t see!”
He just doesn’t get it,
looks like he’ll get the shove,
it’s that weird condition,
something they call love!

Thank you TR for suggesting in your e-mail: ‘it’s just a man-thing!’ Of course I couldn’t possibly comment!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

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The Bridesmaid’s Blossom!

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This year the blossom on the trees seems to be more radiant than ever. In particular, the flowering cherry has outshone them all. Looking out of the window I was reminded of a bridesmaid at a wedding…

Like a rather large bridesmaid,
in her bridesmaid’s dress,
the flowering cherry,
is desperate to impress!
But in this case,
when seen from inside,
this large pink bridesmaid,
outshines the bride!

For all those who misread the title, I hope you had a little chuckle, have a good day and stay lucky!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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Agricultural Perfection!

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There are moments in life when perfection stares you in the face and you are forced to act. Yesterday evening I was driving back from visiting my old man when I suddenly slammed on the brakes, grabbed my trusty i-phone and took this mornings photo. I just wish that I’d had a proper camera with me…

Sometimes you just know that somethings right,
like the potato planting I saw last night.
It wasn’t me on the tractor as everyone knows,
I’d never achieved such perfect rows.
…so I’ll just sit back and enjoy someone else’s perfection!

Have a great day and if you can find perfection, even in others, luxuriate in the discovery and have a great day!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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…As A Post!

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For the last day or so I’ve been struck down with little or no hearing. It started with an attempt at self-medication using bicarbonate of soda as ear drops. It worked so well that all of a sudden I could hear nothing. So I’ve had a day of driving a silent mower, a silent tractor and a silent Loadall, much to my surprise. Unfortunately I have still been able to be infuriated by cold-calls that have cut through my peaceful day…

I’m walking in someone else’s shoes,
if I could sing I’d be singing the blues,
every-time someone speaks I say “What?”
I think I may have lost the plot.
But all is not lost I have to say,
because every morning could herald a better day
I hear the phone calling out to me,
just a cold call about electricity!
And I know not to be bereft,
it’s only temporary, I’ll not be long-term deaf.
In order to hear conversation I didn’t wanna-miss,
I self-medicated with a few cans of Guinness!
…it didn’t help!

May you enjoy a peaceful Bank-Holiday weekend but without ear-drops!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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Holy Moly – It’s a Landmark!

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Desperately searching for a topic and photo this morning, both presented themselves by accident! The photo subject caught my eye on Saturday and was stored for later use and the topic caught my eye just now! This mornings post is dedicated to the hundreds of thousands who have read my offerings since February 2012…

Holy Moly,
Guacamole,

Look up with surprise
Fall off a log!
Today marks the seventeen-hundredth
Baldock Bard Blog!

Thank you for reading,
for being there,
have a great day!
You see – I care!

Have a great day and I’ll see you all tomorrow!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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A Farmer’s May-time Fear!

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In early May a farmer’s mind tends to wander! It is time for mega-form-filling for the Rural Payments Agency in order to claim Basic Payment Scheme. Unfortunately it is rather complicated with Entitlements, Greening, Exemptions, EFA’s and Cross Compliance. These are all words that are guaranteed to strike fear into a farmer’s heart before 15thMay – deadline day…

Every year,
a farmer’s great fear,
is to make a mess,
of his BPS.
The mistake may be small,
but they risk losing all,
if the paperwork’s not away,
by the fifteenth of May.
It’s now all online,
which suits me just fine,
but I must be sure,
to lock my office door.
If I should escape,
and ignore the red tape,
please lock me back in,
and remove my large gin!

Later on I shall be taking a problem to the RPA Helpline. The one government helpline that is staffed by the most helpful people, they must be angels!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


 

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