Category Archives: Silly Verse

The First Cut Of Spring!

Posted on by
Share

In past years I’ve always made the mistake of leaving the first cut of our grass too late with the result that the first cut has been hard work for the mower. Yesterday I went to get the mower out of the shed having forgotten that I’d manually pushed it in there last Autumn when it broke. Coming from the ‘bodge-it-and-pray’ school of engineering, I effected a temporary repair…

This farmer went to mend,
his mower in the shed,
He’d had all winter to mend it,
or that’s what his wife said!
First it wouldn’t start,
then it wouldn’t run,
the farmer scratched his head,
“This will not be fun!”
The drive belt was so frayed,
the blades they were worn,
another belt was so old,
it was there when he was born!
The easy belts replaced,
just so it would go,
started it with jump leads,
and off he went to mow!
His fingers crossed it did the job,
it could have been despair,
ask him where the mower’s gone now,
to the dealer for repair!

I should have been a Boy Scout then I’d always be prepared!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

The Naughtiest Dog…

Posted on by
Share

Like many farmhouses, ours has a large garden. It is surrounded by an agricultural-style fence to keep rabbits out and dogs in. However unlike most farmhouses, ours is home to the Naughtiest Dog in the Whole Wide World…

We let our terrier out of the door,
a call of nature was needed,
a muntjac deer strolled across the lawn,
“Come back here!” we pleaded.
They chased all around the garden,
at last the terrier tired,
the muntjac cleared the four-foot fence,
and the naughty dog retired.
Now it is down to the lead of shame,
so the episode isn’t repeated,
I do so hope the muntjac,
has back to the wood retreated.

Why is it that the smallest dog we have ever owned is the most disobedient?
I had to apologise to the person on the end of the phone as she suffered an ‘Anneka Rice’ moment as I ran down the garden swearing at the dog!
(We love her really although she can be tiring!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

The Indestructible Toy!

Posted on by
Share

While yesterday I was unsure of what to write, this morning the topic faced me when I got down to the kitchen. A so-called indestructible toy lay paunched on the floor by the Aga and two guilty terriers hardly dared look at me! Looks like pocket money will be short for a while…

“We didn’t do it, honest,
it was like this when we woke,
I looked at her, she looked at me,
she said ‘fancy that, it broke!‘”

I went to fetch the broom,
which they chased around the floor,
when I finally managed to sweep it up,
they looked at me and said “More!”

Have a good day and remember that if a dog toy says ‘Indestructable’, that is simply a challenge for your dog not a promise!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

The Bride’s Verse!

Posted on by
Share

Every morning when I get up at around 7am, I wonder how I’m going to fill the blank computer screen for my daily blog. Mostly it depends what has happened the day before, or what is about to happen or what photo I can find. As I blunder down the stairs my mind is desperately searching for a topic. This morning it was blank until it remembered a dream and at the same time my phone went ‘ping!’. About fifteen minutes later (my daily time limit) the job is done, all thanks to a future bride…

I have a strange imagination,
which when asleep causes consternation.
I have these dreams almost always weird,
I woke up this morning – barmy I feared.
I stumbled downstairs grabbed a mug,
carton of milk (you notice no jug!).
Started to think about what to write,
remembered my dream overnight!
I’ve been asked if I’d chauffeur a bride,
On her wedding day – a tractor ride!
In my dream there was deep snow,
(highly unusual for July I know!)
Then to make my morning weird,
a message on my phone appeared:
I nearly choked on my tea,
the very same bride a friend request for me!
So thank-you Emma for my daily verse,
there won’t be snow or anything worse,
I’ll clean out the cab for your tractor ride,
and all will be perfect when you’re a bride!

Emma is a nurse so I may be asking for stronger medication!
(She is also special as she was born on the farm and was a wonderful nurse at a time when we most needed help).
Have a good day and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

Revenge of the Punt Gun!

Posted on by
Share

A punt gun is a spectacular piece of armament. It was made to attach to a small canoe-type boat which when fired was akin to putting an outboard engine into reverse at full throttle. It was particularly popular in the sparsely populated East Anglian Fens…

I was chatting to a neighbour on Tuesday,
who said he’d held a punt gun,
he showed me a photo of him holding it,
I agreed it looked kind of fun!
Later I drove up the high street,
a ‘Yoof’ cut me up at the lights,
proceeded to give me the finger,
and suggested he knew all his rights!
I imagined I’d mounted the punt gun,
behind my Mitsubishi grill,
pulled the trigger and blasted him,
and his poxy car right up the hill!

…and they say size isn’t everything!
Thank you David for the inspiration

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

An Outbreak of Cones!

Posted on by
Share

Last night when I went to bed, I noticed something odd about the doorway to my Granddaughter’s bedroom. Looking rather like the approach to roadworks on the M1 motorway, the whole carriageway was coned off…

We have a no-go area upstairs,
it’s called Grand-daughter’s room,
the cones are there for all to see,
‘No Entry’ for us I presume.
What lies beyond the barrier?
What secrets does the room contain?
We haven’t dare enter for over a week,
a bedroom entry refrain!
We’ve been searching for someone brave,
a knight on horseback would do,
a man in high-vis from top to toe,
or a motorway maintenance crew!

Have a great day and avoid those roadworks if you can!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

 

Share

Threatened and Mugged!

Posted on by
Share

Yesterday morning I was threatened and mugged as I walked to work. The assailants, all white, weren’t after my mobile, fancy trainers or cash, but after wheat! Spring is definitely in the air as they are getting more boisterous by the day…

“Stand and Deliver!”
the geese all shout,
“Put down that phone,
and get the wheat out!”

“Don’t hesitate,
or try nothing funny,
we just want some wheat,
to help fill our tummy!”

I went to the hopper,
and scooped out some food,
They then honked some more,
(I think it was rude!)

If you find yourself mugged by a bird today, just give in as quickly as possible and walk on, you know it makes sense! Just in case you think I’m the only sucker on the block, Val is regularly mugged too! Take care out there – the farmyard is a dangerous place!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

Hoisting a Bishop!

Posted on by
Share

Thieves stole some of the copper roof from our little village church in 2016. In 2017 they returned for the rest. Thanks to the remarkable generosity of donors, the roof has been replaced with stainless steel. On Sunday the Bishop of Hertford came to bless the roof. As he wasn’t tall enough to reach the roof unaided, my JCB Loadall and cage were requested. This lead to some very amusing conversations with my insurance agents, the Royston branch of the NFU…

“You want to hoist a bishop in a cage?”

I pretended:
“It’s what farmers do, it’s all the rage!”

“It started when a friend had a broken tile,
then it escalated, it took a while.
Then somebody took the copper roof from the church,
I hoisted the vicar to a lofty perch!
Like in chess, a bishop, the very next stage,
Ultimate aim: ‘Archbishop in the cage!’”

Some may wonder why I didn’t ask the Pope,
I presumed the answer would have been ‘nope!’

With thanks to all, particularly my long-suffering insurers. Also to the Bishop of Hertford and Nick Lyness who both simply smiled and waved from a great height! Of course none of this would have been possible without the support of Clothall’s vicar, Fiona Wheatley, who declined to travel as ‘I’ve been up before!’, where she goes – others follow!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

(Not) a Treasure Trove!

Posted on by
Share

The other day while trawling through a seldom-used drawer I can across a future treasure-trove. There underneath a pile of old cheque-book stubs and expired business cards lay four old five pound notes, neatly pressed and with consecutive numbers. I realise this is not the equivalent of finding King Tut’s burial chamber, but it may help my daughter fund a burger in 2100…

I know it’s hardly exciting,
Unlikely to garner votes,
But recently I found,
Four consecutive notes!
I know they’re not legal tender,
Their day has been and gone,
I can’t even remember
Where I got them from!
Maybe in a hundred years,
They’ll be worth a mint,
So I’m giving them to Granddaughter,
might make her future glint!

I know the rhyming is bad and the content worse, but please forgive me as it’s Friday! Have a great weekend and see if you too can find treasure from them there drawers!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

Beast No-Show in Baldock!

Posted on by
Share

Have you ever attempted a massive tempt of fate? Last night I decided that if the heavily-promoted ‘Beast from the East’ hadn’t arrived by this morning, I’d laugh in its face and walk outside in my pyjamas and slippers! Well it hasn’t and I did (although not far as it was slightly chilly!)…

Outside I strode,
(not as far as the road),
in my night attire,
not a hint of satire.
The snowplough is ready,
it sits in the sheddy, (ouch!)
fuelled up to go,
but there is no snow!

My high-vis is hanging,
on the back of the door,
Thermals I’m wearing,
boots on the floor.
Where’s all this snow?
I want to know:

The Beast from the East?
Nah! The Kitten hits Britain!

If it doesn’t snow after that appalling rhyme I’ll just have to give up and accept that it was all hype! Have a great day and stay safe.
STOP PRESS: The Bard New Slipper Fund has just reached a record-breaking 38p! Thank you for your generous pledges!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share