Category Archives: Silly Verse

Behind the Red Door!

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Yesterday I went to a salon for a haircut. Laura had trimmed my unruly mop many times at home in our kitchen, however this was the first time in her new salon, ‘The Red Door’ in Baldock. We have very few mirrors in our house and I was not prepared for the reflective qualities of the large mirror facing me…

When I took a seat,
in front of the mirror you see,
I noticed an old man
gazing back at me!
My hair was a mess,
I looked pale,
more lines on my face,
than Network Rail,
Laura was kind,
chatting away,
“Was I going somewhere nice,
for my holiday?”
I mumbled a reply,
(I looked like a clown,
made strange faces,
even a frown!)
When it was over,
I even smirked,
my hair looked great,
Laura’s magic had worked!

I have used much poetic licence – of course Laura didn’t ask ‘Was I going somewhere nice for my holiday?’ however my hair did look great when she’d finished!
Laura’s Red Door in Baldock is well worth a visit, she is truly a magical craftsman.
© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Little Dog’s Secret!

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I wonder how many of you, having looked at the picture above, though ‘aaah, look at that lovely little dog!’ Unfortunately I have to tell you that you’ve been had! Our ‘little precious’, puppy-like Chihuahua crossed with a Jack Russell (apparently sweetly termed a Jack Chi),  has a hidden secret…

Without a sorry,
nary a pardon,
she runs out of the house,
straight down the garden.
For her every day,
can turn into a thriller,
she’s a cute and charming,
wood pigeon killer.
They strut across the lawn,
(looking out for a cat),
but see no danger,
in a cute doggy like that!
Before they know it,
take flight to the air,
the little dog is leaping,
“It’s simply not fair!”
This terrible act,
in all sorts of weathers,
the evidence is there,
pigeons tail feathers!

Whether people or animals, it’s always the most innocent-looking that strike the hardest!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

 

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Painting The Ceiling!

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Yesterday, being St Valentines Day, I spend the time being attentive to Mrs Bard. Oh dear! I cannot lie to you, I actually spent the morning coating the ceiling in one of the industrial units with fireproof paint. Unfortunately my skill at this, as with most things I do, is far from award-winning, in fact it has been described as ‘woeful’…

Many years ago when the children were small,
my wife went to play a Lacrosse match at a far-away school,
“Right kids!” I said with an authoritative tone,
You know what we’ll do, we’ll paint the kitchen at home!
Preparations were minimal it looked easy on TV,
the whole process seemed to be a doddle to me!
By the time she returned we’d managed to paint,
three walls two children and she said she felt faint!
But the greatest surprise had yet to reveal,
we’d painted around things on shelves this was ‘unreal’
I was never asked to paint anything again,
except on the farm where it would be seen by ‘just men!’

Have a great day and if you’re painting remember that ‘an ounce of preparation is worth a pound of performance’ (apparently!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Orbiting Tesla

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I have a sneaking regard for Elon Musk. Not only does he produce one of the worlds most-wanted and ground-breaking range of cars and space rockets, but he has the genius of putting the two together and creating one of the greatest-ever publicity stunts…

I took my Tesla to the stores,
in the car park feeling aloof,
the throttle stuck,
I shouted “F***!”
as I flew right off the roof!

I found myself up in orbit,
floating gently, in space (all alone),
“this is Major Tom!”
‘That Song’ on and on,
as I passed by I waved to home.

The conspiracy theorists on earth,
say I’m really not here,
I’m in my car,
rather be in a bar,
with down-to-earth friends and a beer!

*picture thanks to SpaceX and media outlets worldwide.
© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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A Different Perspective!

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Yesterday I was overflying our woodland with my trusty drone. It is particularly interesting at this time of year before the view is obscured by leaves. I flew over a small pond on the outskirts of the wood that is surrounded by a large bund so it is not visible from the ground. I suddenly understood that it’s refreshing to see things from a different perspective…

It’s good to look from a different angle,
it’s amazing what you are able to see,
things from a different perspective,
not just simply Me, Me, Me!
Too many people on social media,
shout their opinions very loud,
others who may have something to say,
are often hidden by the ‘Shouty Crowd!’
But if you rise high above it,
there’s a different world up there,
ignore the politics and the bullsh*t,
enjoy the peace and keep your hair!

Have a great week and enjoy a different view!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Cocky the Pheasant!

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“Pinch, Punch, First of the Month, no returns, rabbits and hares” …and pheasants! The old children’s saying has probably been banned by now but with a small addition it could sum up the beginning of February here on the farm. It is traditionally a month of discontent and bad weather, however for Cocky our friendly pheasant in the garden it means he’s safe from someones pot for another year…

“I’m safer this morning thank goodness,
than I was the day before,
not from the Bard you understand me,
‘cos he couldn’t hit a barn door!

The other day on the drive,
I stood in front of his car,
he opened his door to ‘shoo’ me,
I asked him ‘are we going far?’

I tried to get in through the window,
then had a go at the door,
he drove off at last without me,
leaving me all angry and sore!

I shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me,
wheat and all sorts of grain,
but the shooting season is now over,
and I’m free to bully him again!”

Having not picked up a gun in years the world is a safer place and the barn door has been mended! If Cocky Pheasant comes at me again I may be forced to swear at him!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Steve the Seagull!

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When you write, there are some days when a topic or words just won’t come. In true British fashion, the weather is generally good for a few lines, but once you’ve said “it’s raining again’, it’s hard to find different words and ways. This morning is one of those mornings, so for my 1650th posting I apologise from the comfort of the bathroom we share with Steve…

The final day of January,
Steve the Seagull’s very glad,
he looks from the bathroom,
outside the weather’s bad.
The rain is horizontal,
It’s lashing down “oh my!”
He lets out a chuckle,
‘cos inside he’s nice and dry!

With apologies for such a corny weather-related post and a big ‘sorry’ to my old English teacher for using his banned word ‘nice!’ Have a good day and stay dry!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Intrepid Sportsman!

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I have to admit to knowing nothing at all about the sport of Paddle Boarding. However I always thought it was a sport more associated with summer or warmer climes than a Cambridgeshire river in January! Watching an intrepid enthusiast nervously tackle the weather and river conditions yesterday I could only wonder what I would do under similar conditions…

I was on my Paddle Board,
and got a wobble on,
I didn’t know what to do,
So I called my Uncle Ron!

“I feel a bit unstable,
the river’s running fast,
the wind is also gusting,
I don’t know if I’ll last.”

The last thing that I shouted,
(after a prayer to the Lord),
“I think that I’m about to be,
Man over Board!”

With acknowledgement to all those who make difficult sports look easy.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Curse of Peanut Butter!

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This morning my five-year-old granddaughter came to breakfast. Her old grandfather was tasked with preparing and serving breakfast. Only one problem – I have a hatred of peanut butter and had not foreseen the problem that would arise…

Peanut butter and blackberry jelly,
enough to give your day some welly!
All that energy needed for school,
especially when you’re five and tall. 
It’s also important to like bread as toast
‘cos when you’re a student you eat it the most!

I cut the toast
something brown on my fingers
Took a lick – yuk – 
peanut butter taste lingers!

With apologies to all those who love Peanut Butter, I bet you hate Marmite! Have a great day BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Shredding!

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According to media reports we should all be more concerned about identity theft. No longer should we put old bank statements, addressed envelopes or scraps of paper with user names and passwords in the bin, but should ‘destroy’ all such items. However in my new ‘Green Era’ this has led to a problem as my old solution now leads me to shake and sweat with fear…

I used to light a bonfire,
and burn all paperwork,
to avoid my identity,
being stolen from my work!
Now I have a shredder,
a shiny ‘post-box’ slot,
but ‘You must use it carefully’,
(one warning I forgot!)
So enthusiastic was my shredding,
(this admission really hard)
left with an expired piece of plastic,
having shredded my new bank card!

What shredder hath torn apart, no person can join together!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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