Category Archives: Silly Verse

Goose Down!

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The guard geese who patrol our farmyard have suffered a fatality. One of their ranks has gone on permanent AWOL. It is strange that they are something we see and hear every day, yet it was immediately apparent that their numbers had been reduced by one…

Goose number 13,
has run out of luck.
not a lucky number,
if you’re goose, human or duck!

Into the cause of death,
I had no wish to delve,
just went out one morning,
and only counted twelve.

No need for a casket,
or even a box,
just a pile of feathers left,
after feeding a local fox.

So there is now one less,
patrolling up the yard,
“Intruder Red Alert –
Call out the guard!”

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Trap!

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I have been attempting the annual migration of unwanted paperwork from my office to the recycling bonfire. Once I could see the floor I stood back and admired phase one. Mrs Bard however was less impressed when later on she came face to face with an unwanted lodger…

I’ve got a mouse in my office,
I put a trap on the floor,
baited it with some chocolate,
and then I slammed shut the door,

This morning I expected success,
but the chocolate had gone,
a note suggested different bait,
signed from ‘Squeaky Mate – Ron!’

I was tempted to add some Marmite,
but peanut butter some say is best,
I’ll let you know of the outcome,
and which bait I find beats the rest!

Apparently 85% Cocoa chocolate is too good for squeakers and they prefer ordinary Milk Chocolate (or similar!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Aussie ‘Flu!

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Since Christmas I have been feeling unwell and recovery has been slow. At first I suspected that old adversary, Man Flu. However having read certain media outlets, I am now in a position to positively self-diagnose – It was Aussie Flu…

I’ve been laid low with Aussie Flu,
temperature leaping like a kangaroo,
food I yearned was from a barbie,
all I could taste was wasabi!
Beer from a tinnie I could sink,
a thirst like Bondi beach I think.
The bugs now gone I won’t forget
back down under on a Quantas jet!

If you are feeling under the weather, I hope you’re back to 100% soon.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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January ‘Flu!

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For some days now, along apparently with a cast of many thousands, I am responsible for putting the NHS under ‘intolerable strain’. Quite how certain sections of the media can say this when the NHS hasn’t been notified of my ailment, I’m not sure. Perhaps they are supposed to know through magical ways or the bugs in my system are reporting back!

I’ve had this bad affliction,
for a number of days,
my nose has run the marathon,
in a thousand ways!

With a throat that feels like sandpaper,
along with a ticklish cough,
too week to even consider,
that I could work it off!

I know if I were female,
with so much I should do,
I’d have no excuse at all,
wouldn’t get this ‘Old Man-Flu’!

If you too are suffering you have my utmost sympathy. Hope you’re back on full power soon!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Stormy Days!

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Since someone started naming not only hurricanes and tropical storms, but windy days here in the UK as well, we seem to been having more winter storms. This is music to the ears of all Climate Change enthusiasts and the Leave/Stay bores (it must somehow be the fault of Brussels). So todays storm is Eleanor and tomorrow’s starts with an ‘F’, any wind-themed ideas?…

“It’s another windy storm!”
The hysterical media shouts,
(it’s not climate change,
but left-over Brussels Sprouts).

Hang onto your hat and umbrella! Stay safe and smile out there, it’s not the end… yet!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Christmas Cards

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According to media reports we are sending less and less Christmas cards every year. Also the annual ‘Round Robin’ letter detailing family achievements has been largely replaced by ‘Look At Us’ daily postings on social media. I must be very old-fashioned as I rather like receiving cards. Last night I recoiled in horror as I realised I’d not written a single one and so spent over four hours furiously using something called a pen whilst applying for a mortgage to buy the stamps…

Less than half the under-thirty-fives,
are sending Christmas Cards,
they’d rather use social media,
(than use a pen like bards!).
Everyone already knows,
what they’ve done each day,
it’s all played out on Facebook,
there’s nothing more to say!
Once I was caught out,
with cards I did decorate,
(I realised that at least three,
were from folk a few years ‘late’).
So if I’ve left you out,
no card ends on your mat,
Have a very Happy Christmas,
and lets leave it just like that!!

(Todays picture shows a selection of cards already received at Bard Towers!)
Happy Christmas from the Bard! (That was far easier and quicker than writing all those cards! Maybe next year…)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Walking Llamas!

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The other day I was driving along an ordinary road, listening to ordinary radio and thinking ordinary thoughts when I came across an extraordinary sight. A group of people were walking llamas! As Poirot might have said in his best continental accent: “In-croy-able!” I quickly snapped a picture on my trusty i-phone and continued on my way, however the scene would not leave my mind…

Some things that have been seen,
cannot be forgotten,
no control-alt-delete,
for my brain (that’s full of cotton!)
Taking a llama for a walk?
(or was it an alpaca?)
would make a rugby player,
suddenly do the Hakka!

I apologise  that my verse,
has taken a turn for the worse,
I need to walk with a llama,
to re-align ny Karma!

Turns out that they were alpacas all along and so my verse is yet again wide of the mark! However it’s too late for adjustment so you’ll just have to forgive me! You too can take an alpaca for a walk, just visit http://www.alpacatrekking.co.uk 
Oh! and while I have your attention, the Waterfront B&B in the background is the best in the world, trust me I’ve stayed there and will do so again! https://www.wellswaterfront.co.uk.
(END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK – NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED TOMORROW!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Fencing Team!

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Yesterday a local fencing team were in action on the roadside near the town. Not being livestock farmers, the art of erecting a fence doesn’t come naturally to this arable team. Thankfully son-in-law John, who has much experience of such things in a previous incarnation, was there to guide us along and make sure the new post-and-rail fence was presentable…

The local fencing team,
(I’ll not mention any names!)
is hoping for a place,
in the next Olympic Games!
Who will tell them?
(they’re bound to be bereft)
the closest they’re likely to get
Olympic Breakfast at the Little Chef!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Van Gogh’s Ear Defenders

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Yesterday John, my son-in-law and I were doing some winter/spring cleaning in the workshop/grain barn. It’s quite remarkable what lurks in the back of cupboards and under workshop benches. We discovered manuals for long-forgotten tractors and machines along with spare parts that had possibly been ordered by Noah before the Great Flood! One item we found needed no introduction…

On a cupboard shelf,
right at the back,
Van Gogh’s ear defenders,
hidden in a sack!
When he wore them,
all had to shout,
he didn’t hear:
“Gogh-y Watch Out!”
When he turned,
He said, “How absurd!
I didn’t quite hear you,
I only half-heard!”

If you are walking near scaffolding or under ladders today, please be careful and stay safe!
According to my nearest and dearest I apparently have a problem hearing what I don’t want to hear too!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Limited Edition Beer!

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I had spent quite some time in the beer aisle looking for my favourite tipple. Just as I was about to make myself look an idiot in front of an assistant, I spotted the camouflaged packs of cans announcing ‘Limited Edition!’ How stupid of me not to realise that a limited edition should lead to an immediate must-have! Imagine my ‘Fools disappointment’ when what was poured into the glass proved to be exactly the same as from a non-limited edition can…

The can has a lobster on a white background,
a limited edition on the shelf can be found,
open the can and you’ve broken the spell,
”That’s not going to be thrown into recycling as well?”
I lifted the glass to my thirsty lips,
savoured the nectar white-moustached dips!
Very soon the beer was gone away,
getting more limited edition every day!

Cheer’s! A little of what you fancy does you no harm!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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