The High-Vis Warriors!

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IMG_3956In the best traditions of knights of old who were instantly recognisable by their suits of armour, modern knights of construction and renovation wear their uniform with pride. They relish the temporary traffic light, diversion and best of all road closure, while swishing their clipboard, measuring wheel or hard hat with menace, equally at motorist, cyclist or pedestrian…

Along the pavement with menace,
clipboards, high-vis and hard hats,
ready to do instant battle,
Highly visible important autocrats!

They carefully alter specifications,
give a report to their boss,
the goal: another road mended,
their victory, minimum time loss!

One day during wintery weather,
the footpath doesn’t get salt,
High-Vis-Warriors are on a new project,
so it can’t be said it’s their fault!

To all wearers of high-vis, have a great day, stay safe and I hope it doesn’t rain.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Show-Off and Tell!

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supercarThe other weekend, at a pub in rural Norfolk, we watched a man-child play ‘show-off and tell’. At the bar he announced (in a loud voice for the benefit of those possibly out of earshot), that he’d bought himself a Ferrari for his birthday. Later, while leaving the car park, he showed off its performance with squealing tyres. His mates had gathered to look and learn. Unfortunately, much to the disappointment of the assembled crowd, he was lucky and missed the ditch…

He had a supercar sleek and red,
to attract a super-girl to his bed,
He really thought that he was ‘it’,
According to others he was ‘just a tit!’

*Library picture of red supercar. Sorry, I wasn’t quick enough with the camera after a highly satisfying lunch!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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Happy St David’s Day!

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Daffs“Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Hapus!” will be the greeting across Wales and the Welsh-speaking world this morning. Daffodils will be worn and schoolchildren will dress up in their national costume. Back in 1975 all this was alien to this Englishman. I knew that Cardiff was the capital of this small but resilient chapel, rugby and beer loving nation, but little else.

On a wet autumn afternoon, I found myself, a twenty-year-old nervous Englishman, driving across the Severn Bridge (there was only one  in those days) and into a foreign land. Having driven some way along the A48 (before the days of the M4), my poor little mini, unused to such torrential downpours in its native East of England, started to cough and splutter. I took shelter under a bridge and waited for the cars electrics to dry out. Being without map, compass or provisions, (mobile phones were just the speculation of mad science fiction writers in those days!) I came to the conclusion that my destination was just over the next hill.
After a while there was a tap on the window. There stood a policeman, not just of ordinary English-size, but a giant of a man with a neck wider than the Bristol Channel. In a sing-song South Walien accent he asked if I was lost! I told him that it was my first time in Wales and that I was almost at my destination, a small village beyond Llanelli. With utmost patience he explained that I had over 60 miles to travel and that I’d better be on my way as it would soon be dark!
When I finally arrived in the small village of Pembrey, having taken many wrong turnings in the pitch black night, including a grass-covered sheep track up a hill, I found the house, standing alone on a hill above the village.

Little did I know then, but this was where I’d be married, enjoy holidays with children and a place and people I’d grow to love and cherish, including my wonderful Welsh wife of 36 years, Helen. Not bad for an English youth who once stood ringing a doorbell in a foreign land, dressed in purple jeans, mismatching jumper and untidy hair, on a dark and wet night 41 years ago.

Happy St David’s Day.

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Mutterings from the Logpile!

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LogsThe other afternoon the sun shone, there was hardly a cloud to be seen and it didn’t seem like February. However, mindful that the evenings were still drawing in early and that Jack Frost was about, I decided to saw and split some logs for the woodburner. While taking great care not to saw or add any part of me to the pile of logs, I let my mind wander…

If Donald Trump got the hump,
would Hillary Clinton care?
If he were sawing rather than boring,
He’d have sawdust in his hair!

If David Cameron visited Amazon,
and ordered a book from the store,
a European guide for an easier ride,
his renegotiation they’d not ignore!

Onward I sawed without being bored,
practising my ‘Acceptance Speech!’
Ladies and Gents I won’t sit on the fence,
“I think my latest film or book is a peach!”

After a while I broke into a smile,
the trailer-full of logs was done,
put the daydream away said “Now let us pray!”
Time had sped past and was fun!

WARNING: Daydreaming while using any machinery can harm your heath.
You must never daydream and drive. If you feel yourself becoming a Womble, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or Elsa from Frozen, pull over in the next safe place, give yourself a slap and pull yourself together.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

 

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Bogged Down near Baldock!

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StuckOver the weekend I’ve played host to a guest from the West Country. Whereas our annual rainfall is measured in inches, down there they measure it in feet! I showed my ignorance of recent weather conditions by driving my guest across a rather damp field with unexpected but obvious consequences…

“Just here is something I want to show,
Oh dear, we seem to be going slow,
I fear the ground is rather wet,
and this 4×4 is about to get set!”

I put the gearstick into ‘low’
not an inch further did we go,
the wheels had dug themselves a slot,
any forward motion was soon forgot!

I rang John, “Could you possibly bring,
the JCB Loadall forklift thing!”

He arrived with a chain,
to pull us onto the dry again!

So if you make yourself look a fool,
Make sure you have a ‘John’ to call.
And if you’ve no John (or one that suits)
make sure you’re wearing Wellington boots!
JCB John (1)With grateful thanks to John for saving the day and to my guest for covering my embarrassment! Next time I shall eschew laziness, put on wellies and walk!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The School Run (repeat)!

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It is about 14 years since I last did the morning school run. This morning I am taking my granddaughter to nursery school about five miles away. In the countryside the school run almost always involves a car. So I’m off to brave the traffic, wish me luck…

I’m off once more,
To do the school run,
haven’t done it for years,
This should be fun!
I used to take,
my daughter and her brother,
to get them in the car,
I’d rely on their mother!
One day I said:
“I will go alone!”
before realisation,
no point in leaving home!
But this is different,
a ‘one-off’ is quite cool,
taking my little granddaughter,
along to nursery school!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Remarkable Traffic Warden!

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We all love to hate Traffic Wardens and complain (as much as a three-year-old when caught stuffing todays post down the toilet!) when we are ticketed. Sometimes they can be accused of being over-zealous, however in my limited experience they can sometimes be most human…

Strutting around towns they march,
expressions as if they’re faces starched,
handing out tickets left and right,
acting as if they’ve a God-given might!

We are lucky in Baldock Town,
many a smile, hardly a frown,
Should you ever piss you take,
your number goes down from your plate!

Not long ago I was just collecting,
a tasty take-away was expecting,
“I’m so sorry, please do not scold!”
“Hurry along before your meal gets cold!”

No need to offer twice,
Thank you for ensuring no cold rice!

‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our cars, but in ourselves, for we are underlings!’ Have a great day and avoid fines of any sort!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Launch Invitation!

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SupercarSelling a commodity is never a precise art. Here on the farm I use a co-operative called Fengrain to sell my wheat for me as I am a grower not a seller! I guesstimate my crop in January, work out when my cash-flow needs life-saving injections and the professionals do the rest! They are able to sell through the year and I am able to relax a little. This year, in a time of rock-bottom prices not seen since the early-Eighties they have so far sold at levels beyond my wildest hopes…

My cash-flow sighed with contentment,
when the money came in from the wheat,
it wasn’t the best of the last years,
but for this year was a real treat!
We have grown used to advertising,
tailored on Facebook and Twitter,
in my case it is many drone-things,
and ways of getting much fitter!
But I wasn’t expecting the postman,
to anticipate better prices so far,
by delivering an invitation,
for the launch of a Porsche supercar!

…Thanks to Fengrain for making my wheat values so much better, but I’m sorry to disappoint you Mr Porsche, they aren’t that good!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Moving a Combine Harvester!

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Move CombineIt is 4:35 on Saturday morning and here I am, bleary-eyed and not bushy-tailed, inhailing my first coffee of the day. I can hardly believe what we did last night, it didn’t involve drink or food or merriment! We simply went harvesting in the first dry weather window for seven days! The beans were damp, the yield was minimal, but the sense of achievement was euphoric after seven days of sitting on our hands…

Some speak of great achievement,
Some gold medals accrue,
We simply harvested our smallest field,
exercised our Harvest Crew!
Moving a combine is perilous,
especially on Friday night,
apart from one or two fingers,
we managed to achieve that all right!
Bindweed wrapped the combine,
of beans not much sign,
back home within the hour,
profit? Not this time!
I’ve just had a phone call,
“Is the boot sale on?”
It’s pouring with rain in Luton,
getting out of bed was wrong!
So apologies to traffic behind us,
I know the combine moves slow,
But sometimes a half-hour window,
in the weather – we have to go!
Harvesting BeansIf your weekend is spoiled by rain, blame me, as I may have angered the Weather-Gods when they were looking the other way last night! Have a good one, may luck be with you.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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My Car’s Cat Seat!

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IMG_7656The other day I discovered my granddaughter’s cat sitting in her car seat. Unfortunately I was a few miles from home. Luckily I hadn’t yet parked, however the cat didn’t seem at all concerned or worried. Next time I won’t be leaving the door open as I dash back inside for forgotten things…

The cat is in the child seat
going for a ride,
with a bottle of drink,
(it’s quite warm outside),
I am off to fetch some parts,
for the large green plough,
don’t realise there’s a passenger,
until she shouts ‘miaow!’
Nearly have a heart attack,
in the middle of the town,
there’s only one action,
I have to turn around.
Next time I’m rushing,
jobs to complete,
I shall check the type of animal
in the car seat!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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