The Silver and the Blonde!

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Old mans CarI remember many years ago watching an old man climb out of a Rosso-red Ferrari in Baldock High Steet. As a late-teenager the young blonde passenger almost stole my envious glances away from the car! The other day I followed a silver Lamborghini into the town. I have often wanted to ask a young lady passenger: “and what attracted you to this 84 year-old, multi-billionaire” but of course the answer is obvious, the car…

The old man drives,
a silver Lamborghini,
Cruising the streets of Monaco,
to attract a slim bikini.
She’ll have to do as she’s told,
To be his ‘Little Queenie!’
She’ll be a Vodka with Red Bull,
To his old-man-stirred Martini!

… He’s welcome to it! Old farmers prefer large tractors and fat calves!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

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A Stitch in Time!

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JCB Loadall 15Yesterday morning I had a most frustrating time in the local hospital with an elderly relative, followed by over half an hour stuck in a traffic jam inside the hospitals expensive multi-storey car park. I was looking forward to carting fertilizer out to James on the spreader in the afternoon. However a discovery made me wary…

“There’s a nail in your tyre,” said James,
“It always pours but never rains!”
I thought about attacking it with pliers,
But it’s better left in high-pressure tyres!
Looking up to the sky for inspiration,
What James said next caused consternation:
“I shouldn’t look at the other tyre if I were you,
‘Cos you’ll find there’s one in there too!”
So I nurtured the tyres with much care,
Hoping not to soil my underwear!
So this morning the tyre depot I’ll ring,
A stitch in time is a wonderful thing!
Nailed it© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

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The Pavement Tables!

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Pavement TablesHere in North Hertfordshire summer has arrived early. Yesterday’s temperature reached 24 degrees and Baldockonians are making the most of the sunshine to act like continentals, while some ‘tut-tut’ at this frivolous exhibitionism…

Summer’s here, not far from home,
Pavement tables just like Rome!
Friends have gathered, ignore the traffic,
A wonderful scene, so photographic!
Elder residents have been known to say,
“Wouldn’t have happened in our day!
Do they think it’s an esplanade?
What with all that skin displayed!”
No-one’s had to take a plane,
We’re in Baldock, warmer than Spain!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Traffic Jam Fairy!

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Traffic JamYou know what it’s like, you’re half an hour or more later leaving than you’d like and everything is going well. Suddenly a large spanner hits the works and the estimated time of arrival flies out of the window. The inconsiderate Traffic Jam Fairy is here…

We were in a hurry, running late,
Mrs Bard called it ‘my fault’, I called it ‘fate’.
We’d just passed a motorway junction,
When suddenly the tarmac lost its function.
At the other cars the dogs did bark,
As the road transformed into a large car park!
At the next opportunity we changed our route,
The shrewdness of this move I still dispute!
The satnav was being a wonderful tool,
For once it didn’t vacillate at all!
After half an hour we were out of the mess,
Congratulating ourselves on such success,
Then horror of horrors what a failure,
Around the bend, a tractor and trailer!
…being a farmer I should have known better!
Tractor and Trailer © Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Up at the Crack of Dawn!

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Loos 2015This morning I’ve heaved my protesting body out of a comfortable warm bed at silly-o’clock for the first time this year. This is the approximately 586th morning I’ve wandered down the road to organize a car boot sale since 1992. My chariot (Mitzi with three loos on a trailer) awaits, along with a queue of sellers who have uncomfortable mattresses…

A quarter past five
My alarm shouts a warning!
“Get Up, Get Up!
It’s a Saturday morning!

Get down the road,
Open the gate,
They’ll be people waiting,
Don’t you be late!”

My hand blundered about,
There was a loud knock,
I’ll look at the boot sale,
For a new alarm clock!

I wish you all a great weekend. If you’re visiting a bootsale near Baldock, please be gentle on the tired old man on the gate!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
This and every Saturday until the end of October

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Patisserie en France!

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P1060226Mrs Bard and I took the Eurotunnel from Folkestone last night and are spending a few hours ‘En France!’ It was a spur of the moment decision driven by my greed. We had been sitting at home and I suddenly had an urge for French patisserie and wondered aloud whether we could just get up and go? If so, would anyone would notice…
P1060233Chocolate Éclairs dans la fenêtre,
Would make many a dieter retch!
To display un Paris-Brest éclair,
On a dish, ce n’est pas fair!
P1060224A tray of twenty petit-fours,
I can see mine where are yours?
I’ll be coming home on a twenty-ton trolley,
Peut-etre, c’est seulement, l’Avril folie?
P1060214© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

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The Old Tractor!

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DB1490Yesterday I started up our old David Brown tractor. When she was new and shiny she was on display at the East of England Show! Now her bonnet is pitted with rust and she doesn’t like getting up in the mornings…

We have an old tractor,
Her name is David Brown!
She’s now retired,
Doesn’t work on the ground.
She’ll likely be seen,
Sawing up some wood,
She’d like to go ploughing,
I doubt if she could.
So she sits in the shed,
Doesn’t go anywhere,
It’s the tractor equivalent,
Of the high wing-back chair!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Congestion and Indigestion!

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Traffic 0315A weekend guest was held up in traffic on Friday afternoon. Apparently the cause was an horrific accident. It made me consider the last time I was in heavy traffic, it wasn’t pleasant but when I passed the cause I realised you don’t have to look far to find somebody worse off…

The traffic’s bad and you feel that it may snow,
Your nose is blocked and you need a damn good blow.
The man in the car behind picks his nose,
When the motorway halts that’s when time slow-goes!

The traffic report says the road is clear,
The car’s spent ten minutes out of gear!
The ETA on the satnav is advancing,
And you feel like doing some naked tarmac dancing!

Then at last the traffic begins to move,
Your sense of humour slowly begins to improve,
You pass the accident that’s been shunted away,
And say a quiet prayer: “Thank heavens it wasn’t me today”.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Wimp Goes Hunter Gathering!

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BiggleswadeI was never much good at History when I was at school. I always believed it to be this week’s best, or at least most plausible, take on past times, tainted by modern ideology. There is a theory that apparently suggests that ancient farmers started off as wimpy, stay-at-home, mummy’s skirt-clutchers, whilst macho big-brothers went off hunter-gathering. This week I’ve been doing some hunter-gathering for a change…

I went to fetch the cultivator,
From its hibernation place,
I noticed some tines were broken,
And the points were a disgrace!
I had a quick ring round,
Alas none to be had,
“I’m afraid they’re on back-order,
The situation’s bad!”

So I ventured from the caveside,
Trusty hound by my side,
Harnessed the Mitsubishi,
A nice day for a ride!
Doug, a kindly Biggleswader,
Behind the counter at ABA,
Sourced everything I needed,
And sent me on my way!

So if you’re afraid of leaving your cave,
And venturing beyond the hill,
Visit Doug at Biggleswade,
For a hunting-gathering thrill!

Many thanks to Doug who went well beyond the call of duty and wore out his computer mouse locating and securing the parts I needed. Everyone needs a Doug on their side when hunter-gathering!
ABA Biggleswade© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Wasted Young Lives – Again

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Roadside FlowersSix months before my son was killed in a traffic accident I wrote this verse. It lay forgotten in a file until this morning. This weekend saw yet more young lives lost. According to the press one of the drivers had only passed his test a few days before he died. News like this transports our family back to Februray 12th 2003. When will the carnage and wasted young lives stop?

Blue flashing lights announce the show.

“Roll Up, Roll Up for the greatest free show in town.”
“Slow Down, Slow Down so you can look around”
“The more you slow, the more you’ll know.”
“That’s right Sir, just enjoy the show!”

Fluorescent coats surround a crumpled car.
There is no need to hurry now as time ran out with the road.
The rookie fireman turns retching onto the grass unprepared for what he sees.
A policeman wipes away a single tear, he’s seen it often before.

The traffic slows in mock respect, to pry on private scenes.
“Don’t look now children!” says the father as he slows the car to get a better view.
Others look upon the scene with scorn, it could never happen to them, while with protesting tyres they narrowly avoid hitting the car in front.
Traffic builds up in the other direction, they have further to look.

Photographs are taken, not of weddings or births, christenings or celebrations, but of twisted agony.
“Smile Please” has no place here.
Paperwork will turn tragic waste into a statistic.
Young bodies lie side by side under a blanket: their passion, heartbeats and racing pulses idle.

The show is over.

Policemen knock on distant doors with dread.
A mother wails “No, No, No” while her husband lays a gentle hand on her shoulder and thanks the officer for a thankless task.
A father curses the day he lent his son the deposit for a first car.
A sister lies weeping in her room, time a-plenty to regret last words never spoken.

The only remaining stains at the scene are skid marks that point to a broken fence and damaged tree, no bandage for this injury.
Flowers appear, a shrine to youthful inexperience, a mark of family grief for others to glance at while speeding on their way muttering:
“That could never happen to me”.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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