Driving Down to the Sea! (on a Bank Holiday weekend)

Posted on April 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Apparently this Easter Bank Holiday Weekend sees the largest traffic numbers on our roads for the whole year. It is also the busiest time for the breakdown services as cars are expected to go on long journeys without proper servicing or care…

“Lets go down to the sea,” she said,
“Let’s go down to the sea,
We can show our Jack the boats and the sand,
As he’s now turned three!”

“Did you service the car?” she said,
“Did you service the car?
We don’t want a truck to bring us back home,
Because it’s really too far!”

“We’ll have fish and chips” she said
“We’ll have fish and chips,
We can sit on the harbor wall and eat,
And show our Jack all the ships!”

“Why did we park on a slope?” she said,
“Why did we park on a slope?
There’s room in the car park over there,
You just have to pay that bloke!”

“What’s that falling in the sea?” she said,
“What’s that falling in the sea?
Are you sure you put the handbrake on?
‘Cos it looks like our car to me!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Cinderella’s Missing Shoe!

Posted on April 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While clearing out my car, I came across a shoe. It has provoked a mystery as it doesn’t belong to either Mrs or Daughter Bard. Some people (rather cruelly in my opinion) are even beginning to suggest it might be mine. It is a mystery that I fear may never be solved…

Oh Cinderella where are you?
You’ve left behind a strappy black shoe,
I found it when I cleared out the car,
Now I wonder who on earth you are!

It is not one that I ever remember,
I don’t wear heels my feet are tender!
Would be quite useful in a flood,
It can’t be mine because there is no mud!

So Cinderella please step forward,
Do you live in Bedford, or even Norwood?
If you want it please just you call,
Then at last you can go to the ball!

The Highway Repair Syndrome!

Posted on April 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was due at an important meeting in a city some miles away. I thought I’d left plenty of time, which I had, until I arrived at a point where I could see my destination. It was then that my progress ground to a halt. The ‘Muck-Up Fairy’ had hitched a lift and arranged a hold-up…

I’m in a Q.U.E.U.E.
No workers can I see!
Damn my rights,
Just traffic lights,
I’m dying for a pee!

The cars now start to move,
Shows a slight improve,
I get to the head,
The lights turn red,
Sod’s Law I can now prove!

I run fast down the stairs,
As if I’m chased by bears,
“Where’s the race?
Red in the face!”
Cancelled meeting unawares!

Edna Shows Signs of Disgraceful Retirement!

Posted on March 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I went to get our ancient Toyota, Edna, out of the garage and she refused to start. This is the first sign of rebelliousness associated with old age! She made an odd growling noise and then sat there clicking her false teeth, daring me to lift her bonnet and fiddle with her terminals…

She 24 years old,
and she doesn’t care,
if others look,
or even stare!
There’s moss in her gutter,
rust on her sill,
her bonnet is scarred,
we love her still!

Forty-six thousand miles,
she’s been around,
but still has her tyres,
firmly on the ground!
Her headlights are dull,
paintwork like a turtle,
given a choice of clothes,
she would wear purple!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Perils of Dust when Cultivating!

Posted on March 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday we went cultivating in preparation for drilling Spring Beans. The ground was very dry on top and ‘puggy’ underneath. A rocky crust but wet enough to make pottery just below the surface! However it was great to see dust coming off the cultivator, something that just a few weeks ago I couldn’t begin to imagine.

There’s dust a-blowing on them there hills,
It blows away the torrential ills!
The tractor rushes across the field,
Preparing the ground for a great bean yield!
The dust blows onto passing traffic,
Causing language, oh so graphic!
A husband turns to his wife to say:
“I only washed the car Sunday!”

“Well you’ll just have to wash it again my dear!”
She says, in a way, he doesn’t sense her sneer!
While all the time she’s thinking, ‘Yes!”
Another weekend job for him to address!
Sunday morning he’s out in the rain,
He’s washing the car – farmers to blame!
He’s steaming like breakfast burning toast,
Forgets from where came his Sunday Roast!
“Bloody Farmers!”

The Long Walk to Recovery!

Posted on March 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While sitting in a showroom having just signed my life away for a shiny all-singing all dancing automobile, my mind wandered. I remembered how my first car used to breakdown at most inopportune moments. Without the luxury of mobile phone or recovery it would always be an interesting experience…

I shall never forget,
my first breakdown,
and the lonely walk,
from the edge of town,
To the farm,
to get a tow,
from the muck-covered tractor,
that did stink so!
And realising,
as I steered,
that my car’s seat,
was now cow-muck smeared!

Stuck Behind a Tractor!

Posted on February 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A new poster has just gone up next to the railway station in Baldock. It would seem to suggest that if you are late home because you stopped off for a burger, all you have to say is: “I got stuck behind a tractor!” and you’ll be instantly forgiven. Unfortunately, as a farmer, I have to admit that some drivers of agricultural leviathans are less than courteous on the road. However from my own experience, when I’ve pulled in at the earliest opportunity to let traffic pass, the number of times I’ve been acknowledged for letting traffic by can be counted on one hand (or one finger of one hand!). Plus ca change…

Coming down the road
Is a long long line of traffic
It can be seen from space
It’s almost photographic!
At the head of this river
A tractor and a trailer
The driver is oblivious
Even to a very loud-hailer

But all of a sudden
He puts on his brakes
He’s spotted his metal tail
And very few overtakes
He puts up his hand
At every car that passes
Most drivers are gesturing
“Where’s yer effin glasses?”

So next time you are late
You’ve sneaked a burger in
Don’t blame the Baldock Bard
As he sits on tons of tin
When he pulls aside
And you can go on through
You’ll notice he is smiling
Because he ‘s had a burger too!

‪#forageaid ‪#SomersetFloods
Farmers from across the country are supporting farmers in Somerset by donating forage. Including a group of farmers preparing to drive 225 miles by tractor from Yorkshire to Somerset with supplies.

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Bear in the Air!

Posted on January 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Back in the day there was an American film called Convoy. It was about a group of truckers in the States who used CB radios to keep in touch with each other. Amongst terms used in the film was: “There’s a bear in the air!” I remember thinking that we’d never see police in helicopters here in the UK. How wrong I was (about this and much more besides)…

If you look up and search the morning sky,
There’s a police ‘copter keeping an eye!
Whether you’re on foot or if in your car,
You ought to watch out, it sees from afar.
It’s not the same as having police on the ground,
But it’s money saving, as has been found!
If you have a robbery (unless you’re the Queen)
The eye in the sky is nowhere to be seen.
Here on the farm when they’re stealing your fuel,
The helicopter is missing, they’d be quicker by mule!
So don’t shout at a burglar if he threatens you in bed
‘Cos you’ll be the one caught and arrested instead!
And then you’ll go to court, “it really wasn’t fair”,
The police helicopter was the other side of Ware!
For my non-UK readers – Ware is a small town in Hertfordshire 13 miles from the Bard-Farm or 23 miles to the North East of London

The Bard goes to a show!

Posted on January 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, son-in-law John and I visited the agricultural show, LAMMA, at Peterborough. Even the long queues to enter the showground didn’t deter us from having a cracking day. We saw lots of highly polished tractors and the only mud in evidence was in the car parks, making us thankful for our 4×4. All in all a great show…

We had a great day looking all around LAMMA,
For farmers like us it’s the epitome of glamour!
Some like Ferraris all polished and clean,
Others like a John Deere (they’re the ones that are green!)
Some like a yacht that sails the high sea,
But all Farmers want to see is the new JCB!
Some like a girl who can make a clear pass,
Others love a combine, that’s made by Claas!
Some like an old car with an ash-wooden chassis,
Whereas farmers crowd round the new tractor from Massey!
Some farmers like machinery, that’s painted blue,
(That is New Holland between me and you!)
Some like a pussy that sits by the fire,
Farmers like a Cat with tracks not a tyre!
Some farmers have bank accounts behind many a door,
While others dream of winning in a lottery draw!
Some queue on the motorway in an old battered truck,
While others use a helicopter, look down and say ‘f*ck!’
But most of the visitors who were there yesterday
Say thanks to the organisers “we had a great day!”

Considerate Parking Enforcement!

Posted on January 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On Saturday Mrs Bard and a friend needed to visit a specialist cookery shop. I parked in the car park in St Neots, Cambridgeshire, fetched a ticket and waited for them. I witnessed an unusual sight. Maybe it was the lack of faux-military uniform and cap, but I witnessed an unexpected humanitarian act worthy of a Gold Star…

I was sitting in a car park, waiting for my wife
Who had popped to a shop, I think to buy a knife!
I noticed some movement, from the corner of my eye,
The parking attendant was on the prowl, not guilty was I.
I picked up the ticket from on top of the dashboard,
And waved it in her direction, as she stood by a Ford!
I went back to what, I’d been doing all along,
My gazed drifted back to her, something was wrong!
She peered through a windscreen and then slowly turning,
Looked around the car park for anyone returning,
Then as a last resort when nobody could she see,
She ticketed the car, I was glad it wasn’t me!
I walked over when she’d gone, this unusual act to view,
And noticed that the ticket was thirty minutes overdue.
There are many bad stories where parking is concerned,
But give this lady a gold star, respect has been well earned!

The Baldock Bard Gold Star is an occasional award when somebody or an organisation does something outstanding in their field and deserves commendation.
Previous Winners:
June 9th 2013 – Staff at the 3 Store, Stevenage
Nov 7th 2012 – Belinda at the Deli counter, ASDA Stevenage

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

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