Boris (Baldock’s bendy bus!)

Posted on January 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have seen some strange sights in my hometown. Christmas lights burning brightly many days after Twelfth Night, a man sitting on a town centre bench in the snow eating a sandwich and a diligent road-sweeper sweeping the pavement on a Sunday morning. However last week I was surprised to see a bendy bus…

I saw a bendy bus in Baldock,
I thought to myself ‘That’s strange’
I knew they were once in London,
But that’s well out of range!
I was almost tempted,
To hop on for a ride,
But knowing my luck I’d be stranded,
This side of Rotherhithe!
I’ve never travelled by Bendy,
I wonder what it’s like,
Do you have to lean into the turn,
Just like on a children’s trike?
I stopped and stared and wondered
If in fact these were dreams,
Because sometimes here in Baldock,
Things ain’t just what they seems!

For non-UK readers: Bendy buses were introduced in London in 2002. Following complaints in 2008, mayoral candidate Boris Johnson pledged to rid the Capital of them and the last one left the streets in December 2011. Many were exported to Malta where (according to the Guardian 13/12/11) “they are driving Maltese round the bend.”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Road Fell (The unmasking of a hypocrite!)

Posted on January 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In days gone by I may have been more than sarcastic about road works, the closing off of lanes and over-use of fluorescent clothing. Yesterday we were working on the side of a road clearing small tree saplings. What I wouldn’t have done for a lane closure! I am now a fully-fledged member of the Hypocrites Society…

The cars are passing incredibly fast,
The next one passing could be my last,
Fluorescent clothing won’t save my skin,
But it makes me feel protected from the danger I’m in!

Did you see that lorry when I swept with a brush?
It must have been delivering in a hell of a rush,
Formula one engines at the rate he was going,
Or he’s worried that shortly it may start snowing!

So road menders everywhere, you know who you are,
I’ll have more respect, next time in my car,
I’ll no longer complain about delays causing strife,
I now know protection is important for life!

Un-necessary Death (on the side of the road)

Posted on December 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

WARNING: You may find today’s posting upsetting.
Yesterday lunchtime a lady motorist stood at the door saying that a deer had been hit and was lying seriously injured in a field. In such cases it falls upon us to put the animal out of pain as soon as possible.
It is the worst job on the farm…

In their haste to arrive,
They hit a young deer.
“Oh dear,” they said.
In their haste to drive,
Their car was damaged,
“Oh dear,” they said.
“Oh look, it’s alive,” they said,
As they drove off,
“Oh dear,” they said.

“A deer has been hit,” she said,
“The car drove off,” she said,
“It’s sitting injured in a field,” she said.
“We’ll deal with it,” we said.

We arrived by the side of the road,
there was the deer,
sitting calmly.
Temptation says:
“It’s ok, we can look the other way,
and drive on, as well.”
Reality says:
“Unsleeve the gun.”

The injured deer
attempts escape
on two legs,
its rear legs dragging
uselessly on the ground.
An awful sound
issues from its very soul:
“Meeuurr,”
“Meeuurr, Meeuurr,” it pleads.

The sound dissects me in two,
it looks with big brown eyes,
and with tears running down my cheeks,
I carefully raise the gun,
pull the trigger.
Pain over,
Job done.

With anger I return to the farm,
If I could find the person responsible,
I’d give them,
what they deserved,
and the deer did not.
THOUGHTLESS BASTARDS.

Please drive carefully on country roads.
If you see the above sign – THINK WHY IT’S BEEN PUT THERE

Superb Passenger Assistance! (this way to the trains!)

Posted on November 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I recently took my father to Paddington Station to catch a train to the West Country. Parking in London these days is impossible and if found, requires you to take on a debt equal to that of a medium-sized dictatorship. Train operators, Great Western, have a wonderful system where you can park, drop off your elderly relative and they are taken direct to the train, at no extra cost, on a buggy (only if they have a ticket and are going to travel, it’s not No-Charge Daddy-Daycare)…

Beep-Beep-Beep
Goes the electric car,
As it trundles its way,
Towards a platform afar.

Old Mrs Jones,
is off to Swansea,
Can’t walk far,
She has a dodgy knee!

The driver has put,
Her cases aboard,
Provides chauffeur service
Old folk can afford!

My old man,
He’s off to Devon,
He’s not complaining,
Thinks it’s passenger heaven!

The Baldock Bard Award is for companies or organisations that ‘we love to hate’, and is awarded to them when they surprise with service beyond the realms of expectation!

Multi-Storey Misery!

Posted on November 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I hate multi-storey car parks. While I understand the point of a concrete stacking system, it is the physical problems that have to be overcome in their use that irritates me. Perhaps it’s simply down to the fact that I seem to always be the one to drop passengers at the entrance only to be frowned upon when I join them later than expected…

Up and up and up I go,
Looking for a space,
What are all these cars doing here?
It’s really a disgrace!

The corners are too tight,
I fear I’ll scrape a wing,
I’m now so high I’m in the sky,
Can see fifty miles to Tring!

At last I spy a space,
And rush before it’s taken,
But the traffic flow says NO GO!
And I feel my anger quaken!

At last many spaces,
Not a single car in sight,
It’s raining on the rooftop,
I guess it serves me right!

“What ever took you so long?”
They ask when I’m back to earth,
“The lift never came I stood in the rain!”
They just double up with mirth

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Just How Low Can You Go?

Posted on October 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I jumped in the car to drive the two miles to town. I’d not driven far down the road when I noticed the irritating light on the dashboard warning me of low fuel. As is normal with most cars now, Nanny had to go further and tell me how many miles I had before I came to a halt. It was less than I’d ever seen before…

The yellow light’s a-flashing,
It’s warning me to fill,
I’ve ignored its plea all week,
Now I’m feeling ill.
The pump’s another mile,
I’m pleading with the Gods!
“I won’t do this again,”
That should shorten odds!

Will I reach the pump?
Have I got my card?
Pushing this old beast by hand,
Impossible not hard.
I am getting closer,
I begin to sweat,
There are cars on the roundabout,
I’m nowhere safe, not yet!

At last I’m near the forecourt,
Waiting in a queue,
I clasp my hands in prayer,
There’s nothing else to do!
At last I’m at the pumps,
It starts to spot with rain,
It takes over seventy litres!
I’ll never do this again!
(… well, not until the next time anyway!)

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

That Time of Year in Baldock Again!

Posted on October 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

If you’re thinking of driving through Baldock today you’d better breathe in! The normally spacious High Street with its grassed piazzas and large car park has vanished. Even the market stalls have been pushed up to huddle next the Town Hall like three old ladies on a seafront in February. The Charter Fair has arrived in town. Love it or hate it you have to admire the resilience of the showmen who have fared worse than most in these difficult times…

I saw Thomas by the ‘Teacups’,
We exchanged a word maybe three,
He’d been setting up since daybreak,
He looked up at the sky with a plea:

“Please may it not rain tonight,
Please may it stay dry all week,
Because if it is raining,
Despite all my training,
Takings will be harder to seek!”

Naturally I was sympathetic,
The forecast was not bad today,
I crossed my fingers for his fair ride,
And the others for me, Saturday!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Running On Empty!

Posted on October 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s National Poetry Day, a day when we celebrate one of the few arts that is almost invisible to the vast majority! Some years ago I mistakenly sent a poem to a national competition. It sank without trace! The following year I was a little more successful, until one year I was runner-up in the local round of a national competition. Unfortunately I was beaten into second place by a seven-year-old girl – Oh the indignity of losing to a verse about a pet hamster! The verse wot I rote has been lost to the mists of time. So to celebrate such an important day I bring you another of my loss leaders…

‘NEXT SERVICES 15 MILES’
Sign passed at speed
Low fuel warning light demands attention
Gauge reading ‘Empty’
Ponder important questions
Cut speed in effort to add miles?
Or increase speed to reach fuel quicker?
Did I renew breakdown insurance?
Do they sell petrol cans at filling stations?
Will I be fuel-less in mobile phone blackspot?
Do I leave motorway and search unknown towns for fuel?
Do I risk running out on side road?
Switch on radio
Pray for traffic report not to mention heavy traffic ahead
Catch traffic report closing jingle
Switch off radio
Traffic increasing
Contra-flow starts
Herd of heavy lorries ahead crawling up Everest sized hill
Can feel fuel lines sucking every last drop
‘SERVICES 1 MILE’
Pat pocket for wallet
Countdown to exit begins
///
//
/
Not far now
Drive round endless loop road to reach fuel pumps
Past Car Park
Past Coach Park
Past HCV Parking
At last!
The pumps
Pull up beside pump number 3
Stop engine
Relief
Fill car
Enter shop
Fill basket with drinks, sweets, sandwiches
Two magazines I’d not normally buy
And petrol can!
Pay £76.28 for petrol
£29.85 for other goods
Drive away
Rejoin motorway
Pass man walking on hard shoulder with can
“Silly Sod!”

We Have Bean Away!

Posted on September 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In most years we store nearly all the crops in the barn until the co-operative (Fengrain) has sold them. This year everything seems to be topsy-turvy! We seemed to have harvested all the crops in the wrong order and now we are loading beans which is normally a winter job! The lorry driver commented, “last year when I collected beans it was -10 degrees, this year it’s touching +30!”…

Out of the bin,
roll the beans,
rattle into the conveyor.
Then along towards,
the elevator,
in a rolling bean-filled layer!
Up they rise,
to the top,
of the shed until the spout!
Where all at once,
gravity takes hold,
and with a fairground-rush they’re out!
Down into the truck,
with a mighty roar,
that deafens all who’re near.
Until the siren,
screams “LORRY FULL,
that’s thirty tonnes, yer hear!”
All that’s left,
is to roll over the sheet,
to protect the valuable load.
Oh! And then the paperwork,
bloody paperwork,
and then they’re off the farm by road!

The Last Day of Summer!

Posted on September 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning has been called ‘Summer’s Final Hurrah!’ by some weather-men and journalists. Apparently from this day forth it’s all downhill to freezing temperatures and thick snow! However we have to get past thick fog followed by 30 degrees first…

The forecasters predict,
Today’s the last day of summer,
The schools have started back,
(For kids that’s a bummer!).
The temperature’s predicted,
To reach up to thirty,
The last day of dust,
To make farmers dirty!
I look out of the window,
At six in the morning,
There is thick fog,
For motorists a warning.
I thank lucky stars,
That I don’t commute,
Up to the city,
In a tie and a suit!
So if you’re in the fog,
Please drive with care,
Best arrive late,
Than never get there!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Traffic Jam