The Curse of the Cones!

Posted on August 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Driving down to Baldock yesterday evening I just happened to look along the usually-empty A505 Royston road. One section of the dual-carriageway was coned off and the other was at a standstill. As it was after 5pm I was not surprised to see so much inactivity on the closed off section. I inadvertently became an irritant to the stationary motorists below me by gongoozling from the bridge. Notch up another victory over common sense for ‘Elf and Safety…

Miles and miles of bloody cones!
Everyone’s on their mobile phones,
“Don’t know when we’ll be home for tea,
It’s not my fault, no don’t blame me!”
Where is the workforce to be protected?
Yellow fluorescent, hard hats selected!
Where are the lorries carrying the load?
Where are the machines mending the road?
Where are the managers who on site roam?
It’s five o’clock, everyone’s gone home!
Where is the motorist who frowns as he groans?
Still stuck in the queue looking at cones!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
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What Would the Neighbours say…?

Posted on July 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It is strange that in a time of apparent frugality, hand car washes seem to be thriving all over the country. What has happened to us, have we become so lazy that we can no longer spend half an hour with a hose on the driveway come Sunday morning? Or is it something much deeper, a need to impress the neighbours? “Bye darling!” shouts the husband from the front door, “I’m off to get the car washed at the hand-car-wash.” “Alright, Love!” shouts his wife from upstairs where she is busy ironing to supplement their income, “don’t forget to make sure the neighbours know where you’re going!” I know this may seem extreme but unfortunately I suspect it’s not far from the truth for some…

Kevin’s car shines at the car wash,
Must keep it clean,
Must keep it posh!
His important job is enjoyed,
In reality,
Unemployed.

Told neighbours: ‘holiday last week’,
Mother in Hastings,
Not Martinique!
Showed Internet photos from the Carribean,
Along with instant tan,
Believed what they’re seeing!

The neighbours admire their house downstair,
All the bedrooms,
Are empty and bare.
His drinks cupboard has no more space
But the refrigerator
Is an empty place.

To a boot sale he drives miles,
To avoid his neighbours,
Patronising smiles.
Shops at a discount store with his wife,
Uses Waitrose,
Bags for life!

Amongst these tales not one gem,
Worried what others,
Think of them!
Out of his mouth spouts so much tosh,
All conceived,
At the hand car wash!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Caravanner Club Committee!

Posted on July 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have never completely understood some people’s hatred of caravaners. I realise they drive at 60mph, they group together like camels and are driven by Mail readers who are called Frank and Betty, but is that enough to vilify their hobby? However there are some, members of ‘The Committee’, who make better targets. They organise the rallies to which keen club members flock at weekends. It is their responsibility to make sure that every rule, no matter how insignificant, is followed to the letter and that the myriad of un-matched folding chairs are placed for the ‘Flagpole Ceremony’ on Sunday Morning! It is they who ordain that all caravans must be parked facing inwards, regardless of the view, and that new members are clearly shown the ropes (or the door!). However I have to admit admiration for anyone who gives of their time for the sake of others so here’s to the committee, Gawd bless ’em…

Frank and Betty are on the committee,
So are June and Kev,
They’re now superior beings,
Unlike Steve and Bev!
They’re on the road Monday morning,
They’re had an extra night,
It’s a privilege from running the rally,
They claim it is their right!
They’re in charge of the tea urn,
And the flagpole too,
They’ve had to collect the pitch fee,
Responsibility construe.
So Monday mornings they’re on the road,
Unlike ordinary ‘vanners’,
Next weekend it’s another ‘team’,
Four rally-hardened planners!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Fluorescent Fred and his One Man Shed!

Posted on July 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are road works on the A11, Norwich Road, near Thetford. At last someone has seen sense and decided to upgrade the nightmare-road of my childhood holidays! We all love the golden beaches of North Norfolk and the waterways of the Broads, but getting there has always involved holiday-journey-traffic-jam hell! The journey through Thetford Forest was also a perfect excuse to frighten younger siblings with tales of ghouls and goblins, earning a much-contested but well-deserved slap from the front seat! All this, along with driver’s angst, will soon be a distant memory when the road works are completed and the banksman ‘Fluorescent Fred’ has moved on to works anew…

Tango’d up to the nines in fluorescent,
Brighter plumage than a cock-pheasant!
Fred guides trucks and diggers across the road,
Making sure they don’t spill their load!
His one-man shed is dry and shady,
To the heavy plant, he’s a lollipop lady!

Dedicated to all banksmen, the unsung heroes of roadworks, whose vital work goes largely unnoticed by passing motorists. And of course to ‘Fred’ in his unique one-man-shed on the A11 at Elveden near Thetford. If you’re passing, give him a wave or a toot, and show him the love!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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How Not to Steal a Car (in one easy lesson!)

Posted on June 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other evening I was walking back through a local town and witnessed two yoofs pushing a car in most suspicious circumstances. Resisting the urge to offer jump leads, spanners or access to my vast experience of break-downs, I took out my camera! The result was a vindication for my keep-fit regime and the head start offered by a low wall. Panting heavily and gasping for breath, I easily merged into a group of pensioners waiting at a bus stop for the 4.21 to Sutton Bridge (which was only four hours late!)…

Broke into the car,
There goes the paint!
We’re nicking a car,
Professionals we ain’t!

We’ll open the window,
With this little hammer,
Then force open the bonnet,
With an old rusty spanner!

My mate will hot-wire it,
Have you met Trev’s?
Then we’ll start the engine,
And give it some revs!

What you done now Trev?
The engine won’t start,
What you mean push it?
That ain’t playing my part!

Here comes a big car,
Perhaps they will help,
“What you mean arrested?”
“Touch me, I’ll yelp!”

“It’s quite comfortable,
Are we going far?
Always wanted a ride,
In a police traffic car!”

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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An Unusual Bank Holiday Visitor!

Posted on May 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As a headline in a tabloid newspaper once put it “Phew What a Scorcher!” The weather this weekend has exceeded all expectations and we’ve enjoyed the company of an unexpected visitor, the sun! Lets hope it chooses to visit a few more times this summer…

What has happened I can’t rightly say,
But the weather’s been perfect this Bank Holiday.
The beaches have been busy, We’ve all seen the sun,
A most unusual visitor has uplifted everyone.
Around the rusty barby the chatter has been loud
Oblivious to the forming of large smokey cloud
Down by the ice cream van see the children swarm
Most can’t remember it being this warm!
We can just hope (according to Frank’s mum):
“A fine Bank Holiday is the sign of better things to come!”

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Highway Robbery!

Posted on April 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago the Great North Road was notorious for highwaymen. They used pistols to hold up carriages containing nobility and robbed them at will. Yesterday I drove up the same North Road (now the A1) and noticed a modern-day Dick Turpin waiting to rob motorists. His horse may have been replaced by a van and his pistol with a camera, but he is just as effective! If their actions had a dramatic effect on the safety of our roads it would be laudable, however the statistics are inconclusive and so from a public perspective it remains a cash-gathering exercise. Plus ca change, c’est la meme…

The modern highwayman sits crouching,
round the corner in his Tali-van,
collecting extra tax from the motorist,
It’s part of a cunning plan.

You don’t see him ‘till the last minute,
he’s got you before you know how,
a letter arrives on the doorstep,
you’re a grade ‘A’ criminal now!

So pay up and don’t you dare argue,
they’ve got your pants down as well,
and if you get caught more than twice,
you’re going straight down to hell!

In case you were wondering – No! I wasn’t caught, as I was behaving like a model citizen, driving within the speed limit and singing along to the radio (thankfully nobody could hear my warbling above the noise of the road!).

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Daily Commute!

Posted on April 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have just come back from a very wet early-morning farmyard. The hens don’t like the rain but the geese and ducks are happy! While outside, it struck me that it’s a good job that we are all different: I thought of dairy farmers, whose daily venture out into the dark and the rain and the muck, isn’t for me. My mind also wandered to those hurrying for the train: I could never see myself working in a city, yet I know some whose whole life revolves around a daily crowded commute (I would say ‘herded like sheep’, but if sheep were crammed that way into a lorry, a prosecution would swiftly follow). So I count my blessings…

A friend travels to London by train every day,
I wouldn’t consider it for treble his pay!
When the train arrives it’s already full,
We couldn’t do it to animals, it’s too cruel!
It’s bad enough that he’s no chance of a seat,
Near four-thousand-pound ticket, his misery’s complete.
It’s my choice to work every Saturday,
He’d not entertain an alarm call that day!
So while I am enjoying meeting new folk,
He’s still dreaming of a commute to the smoke!
So come tomorrow morning, my pleasure not pain,
Except of course, if it’s peeing with rain!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns at 7am this Saturday 13-4-13
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A Tall Story of a Small Car!

Posted on February 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you find that sometimes the weirdest of objects can suddenly invoke a memory that has been laying dormant for years? The other month I saw a small Fiat car in a car park and I took a photo. Looking through some photos last night I suddenly remembered someone I hadn’t thought of since college nearly forty years ago…

Looking at a photo,
A memory stirs within,
Of a fellow student,
Very tall and slim.

I’m sure his name was Bob,
A memory – I can see it!
This vision of a lanky lad,
Getting out of a baby Fiat!

When he’d left the car,
Of ownership – some proof,
A noticeable head-shaped bulge,
In the small sun-roof!

Another thing I remember,
His tall girlfriend’s name was Sue,
And I’m pretty sure that I’m correct,
That little car was blue!

….that’s all folks, memory gone!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Not Google!

Posted on February 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my more modern ambitions is to be caught on Google Street View. Not doing something immoral or disreputable, but just waving or wearing my chicken hat or rubber pigs-head! The other day I thought I’d succeeded, however I was sorely mistaken…

I was driving out of Baldock,
Not going very far,
When I thought up ahead I saw,
A Google camera car!

I put my foot right down,
To appear on the Street View,
But it was a parking-camera car,
You don’t want to get close to!

Mrs Bard had the camera,
Ready to goggle Google,
The reality was different,
Like a Wolf-hound to a poodle!

We had a traffic warden,
Who lived in the town,
She’d give you a chance to move,
As she patrolled around.

But today is all about targets,
And so they have a team,
Jack-booted enforcement arrives:
A nightmare not a dream!

I know we need some rules,
By which some won’t abide.
Let’s have our warden back,
Not a camera car that’s snide!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Traffic Jam

The Curse of the Cones!

What Would the Neighbours say…?

The Caravanner Club Committee!

Fluorescent Fred and his One Man Shed!

How Not to Steal a Car (in one easy lesson!)

An Unusual Bank Holiday Visitor!

Highway Robbery!

The Daily Commute!

A Tall Story of a Small Car!

Not Google!