Asylum Chaos in Calais!

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Part of the crowd of British Businessmen claiming assylum in Calais

Part of the crowd of British Businessmen claiming assylum in Calais

Thousands of British illegal immigrants have stormed the Calais mayoral office to claim asylum following last week’s UK referendum.
The businessmen, wearing bowler hats and carrying rolled umbrellas, made their point by chanting: “Excuse me, Madame Mayor, do you think we could possibly rely on your good nature to offer us asylum?” A lone policeman surrounded the protesters and was soon bombarded with offers of: ‘a nice cup of tea from my Thermos?’ ‘Marmite sandwich?’ and ‘a nice piece of fruit cake that my wife made?’
The group, smuggled into France ‘sometime in the last 48 hours’ by people smugglers, were offered shelter in a refugee camp known as ‘Jungle Deux’. One man, known as Mr Smith, told our reporter that he was looking forward to spending time in the jungle as he’d seen celebrities do it on TV and it didn’t look too bad, but wasn’t looking forward to frogs legs or snails in the ‘Tucker Challenge’. Another known as Mr Smith was hoping that his wife and extended family would be able to join him in Calais later if his bid for asylum was successful.
Government sources denied that mass emigration was underway and were at pains to stress that this was just normal holiday traffic, “Traffic levels on roads leading to cross-channel ports is consistent with the time of year,” claimed a spokesman. When our reporter asked why Operation Stack was in operation on port-bound motorways with many thousands of family cars, laden with possessions, awaiting a crossing, the spokesman called security and had him ejected from the news conference.
In other developments, calls for the closure of Aldi and a boycott of BMW, VW…cont p196

© Baldock Bard 2016

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In Europe By Accident!

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BelgumYesterday morning I drove up the drive to collect my granddaughter to take her to nursery school. Something about the sat-nav was very wrong. I was 35 miles north of London, yet it had me driving down a street in Belgium! Within minutes it was welcoming me back to Britain, complete with Union Flag…

My car thinks I live in Brussels,
not near Baldock town,
Driving up Kerstenmannekensstrasse
I take a look around!
It all looks very familiar,
if we remain in will it change?
If we leave will my sat-nav,
find Brussels out of range!
When I wake tomorrow morning,
will we still be afloat?
I’d better face Belgium’s traffic,
and get out to vote!

Have a good day, I’m so looking forward to the day when the politicians slither back under the stone where many of them belong.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The I-Spy Dog!

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Whenever we drive anywhere with our two terriers, Chip (who is now 17years old), demands that we follow familiar routes. Any deviation from these set routes and he stands up at the window and shows his displeasure. Until recently I presumed it was because he doesn’t like change, I now think it’s because he’s left his I-Spy book and pencil at home…

Our dog likes to play I-Spy,
Has completed more books than you or I,
Every journey that we do,
He stands at the window admires the view!
He’s already completed ‘On A Journey’
final sighting haulage firm Bernie!
He’s now onto I-Spy ‘The Town’
having trouble to find a football ground.
If he’s barking with alarm,
we simply bring out ‘On The Farm!’

If you’re on a journey, stay safe and don’t forget the I-Spy book and pencil for your dog!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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April – October 2016

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Terminus 2066!

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PaddingtonThe other day I went down to Paddington Station in West London to collect an aged relative. On my way to spend 30p at the conveniences I looked up at the roof of this ancient monument to mass transit solutions. It led me to wonder what lay in store for rail travel in the future and which of our present customs would remain…

Will there still be antique stations,
when trains are supersonic?
Will platforms remain the same,
some arrival times still chronic?

Will the guard still blow a whistle,
even though trains automatic?
Will we alight in London,
next stop the Adriatic?

Will commuters pack like sardines,
on their way to Town?
Or will the work come to them,
still in their dressing gown!

Will it still hold a child’s wonder,
an open-mouth gasping stare,
I hope it’s still spectacular,
even though I won’t be there!

I consider myself very fortunate that I walk to work and don’t squeeze into a over-full carriage with other city-bound commuters. So for me the excitement of a train journey remains something special and reassuring in this ever-changing world.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Baldock Boot Sale
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April – October 2016

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Balduck from Baldock!

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IMG_6532Three years ago ‘Balduck from Baldock’ came to live on the farm following a bad few days in the life of a duck.
One Wednesday, he was flying along, thinking what a lovely day he was having, when a misjudgement of height led to him being hit by a car on a dual carriageway. The driver knew by the sudden cloud of feathers that she’d hit a bird and sadly assumed the worst. For the rest of the week she travelled up and down the motorway to and from work.
At the weekend she went to retrieve her car from the garage and noticed bird poo underneath the front. Investigating closer she noticed a pair of duck eyes looking out at her from behind the grill! She called the vet, once again fearing the worst. The vet called in the services of a friendly mechanic, who removed the front of the car. A bemused mallard duck was carefully removed and put on bed rest for a week.
The following week Balduck from Baldock, as he’d been christened, was released into the wild on our farm, to run with our tame ducks, where he’s lived ever since.
The above photo was taken yesterday when he came into the farmyard for his lunch! He has outlasted all our other ducks who have made meals for a local fox.

Balduck from Baldock is a very lucky duck!

You never know what is to come after a bad day! May all your troubles be small and surmountable.
Have a great Bank Holiday Weekend.
Baldock Bard.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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VIP Flypast!

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Stop!Yesterday I went to London to scoop an elderly relative off the train at Paddington Station. Just before the Lord’s Cricket Ground there was a commotion behind us, police outriders stopped the traffic, blew whistles and held back vehicles and pedestrians as four unmarked cars, with blacked-out windows, swept past at speed…

Police stop all the traffic,
VIP coming through,
must be so important,
not for me or you!

The police motorcycle outriders,
swarm at the traffic lights,
whistle and shout, “you can’t come out!”
suspended ‘ooman rights!

I wonder who’s so important,
to be rushed through in this way
I’m glad it’s not me needs security,
I’ll quietly be on my way!

I wish you happy travelling without hold-ups (especially today, Roger and Joanna flying back to Hobart). Safe journey to you all, even if you’re just walking down to the shops! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Baldock Boot Sale
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April – October 2016

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The Warning Sign!

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warning1It is always of the utmost importance to be able to read warning signs. Ignoring them can lead, not only to misunderstandings, but also injury. Some years ago a friend arrived home after an alcoholic evening to face the fury of his wife ignoring all the traditional warning signs. Luckily for me, names and precise details have been obliterated from memory by the mists of time…

“What time of night do you call this?”
she stood at the summit of the stairs,
hands on hips, one leg bent at the knee,
She caught me unawares!

I gazed up through fog of alcohol,
called her to silence with a ‘shesh!’
started the ascent upon my knees,
vision seemingly obscured by mesh.

When I finally reached the top step,
stood carefully lest I fall,
She kicked my legs away,
and I tumbled back down to the hall.

…Breakfast was a meal taken in silence.

Have a great week and make sure you take note of all warning signs!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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April – October 2016

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When Cars Go Wrong!

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engineIt is frustrating when you have car trouble. Your pride and joy goes off to the garage for the same length of time and similar price to a long cruise and returns without a tan! My farm car broke down some time ago and had to suffer the indignity of a recovery truck. Since then she has been languishing in a shed with frequent caring visits from John, the mechanic…

My poor old Mitsubishi,
poorly for the last two months,
is now back on her feet again,
was her head or could be bumps!
She was to have her head skimmed,
another thou skimmed off,
or possibly a potion,
to help her shift her cough!
But in the end a new head,
with valves and tappets too,
I wish I could have a refit myself,
and return to twenty-two!

Many thanks to John for his skill and patience, also to all the well-wishers who sent flowers, cordial and grapes, she has made a full recovery and is back on the road.  
© Baldock Bard 2016
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SNAFU

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Traffic JamReturning home from a funeral yesterday evening we hit heavy traffic. The closer we got to London, the heavier the traffic became. My surprise just showed what a sheltered life I lead. I had forgotten what thirty miles of traffic jam looks like. However my patience was short-lived as other needs became apparent…

Situation normal all fouled up,
we’re going nowhere we’re in the muck.
The traffic up ahead is standing still,
no one is smiling they’ve lost the will.
The gantry signs show a maximum of sixty,
sixty inches per minute would be risky.
But the worst affliction is affecting me,
We’re not going anywhere…
and I’m desperate for a pee!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Olde Barn Door!

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Door HammerGive me a gun and I can’t hit the proverbial barn door. However give me a tractor and trailer and I have no problem at all! Unfortunately there are no excuses from my ‘Farmer’s Book of Big Excuses’ so I’ll just have to take it on the chin. Well almost…

The door to the shed is wide enough,
For most farm vehicles and all that stuff,
When I put my tractor into reverse,
All of a sudden my day becomes worse!

I looked in the mirrors on the tractor,
They were clean so not a factor,
Started reversing into the corner,
Heater was on but not like a sauna!

My mobile phone was in my pocket,
Started to ring I could not stop it!
Before I could see who had rang,
There was a loud and sudden bang!

Looked for damage on the trailer fender
All I could see was a sliding door bender!
You may think that farming’s all glamour,
I mended the damage with my ‘effin great hammer!

Take care when reversing, you never know what may be lurking behind you!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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