A walk in the Countryside!

Posted on March 18, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I took a long-overdue walk down a local footpath. Although overcast, the day was a reminder that Spring is almost here. In Roman times the sunken road used to link a leper colony with a burial ground. Now its use is purely for pleasure, how times change…

There’s nothing like a walk in the country,
On a mid-March afternoon.
The trees are still bare and leafless,
You won’t be seeing far soon!
Wellies are still necessary footwear,
As mud forms the floor of a path,
You may see a shy muntjac,
Or a mad hare that may make you laugh!
In this country a network of footpaths,
Are part of our heritage and pride,
Many end up with a hostelry,
And a thirst-quenching pint found inside!

Cheers!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

My Dirty Habit!

Posted on February 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Apparently, according to a recent article, being a man, I am 85 percent more likely to indulge in ‘a dirty habit’ than a woman. My heinous crime? Reading in the loo! I am guilty as charged and await my punishment…

Whilst sat in the smallest room at home,
I commit a crime (amongst women unknown!)
I use the time to imbibe information,
From magazines of every nation!
Arable Farmer or Canal Boat too,
Or an interesting blog from Timbucktu!
A book on my Kindle will suit just fine,
Or a magazine that reviews red wine!
I sit there daily, not uniquely,
All engrossed in Farmers Weekly!
Am I ashamed, not a bit,
I think I might just learn to knit!

Security Shock!

Posted on February 4, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On-farm security is unrecognizable as opposed to the past. These days I carry around a set of keys like a jailer! We are told to look for signs of the unusual every day. Perhaps I should resist going out until I’m more awake or had another mug of coffee…

I walked up the yard,
To open up the barn,
I thought I was being followed,
I was slightly alarmed.
I looked over my shoulder,
Of intruder was no sign,
Was then that I realised,
The footprints were all mine!

Ungrateful Ducks!

Posted on January 31, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When I looked out of the window this morning our motley collection of ducks were marching across the field for their breakfast. I remembered that I’d left a tasty selection of sweepings in the forklift bucket. I would like think they were grateful but their thanks were sparse…

“Quack, Qrack, Qack!
Where’s our bloody food?
We’ve marched across six bloody times,
We could say something rude!
What do you call this offering?
Odd selection of grains and dust,
Actually it’s quite tasty,
We’ll eat it if we must!
You can go now if you wish,
But let’s give you a warning,
We won’t put up with lateness,
Of breakfast tomorrow morning!”

During this cold weather please remember to put out scraps for your garden birds. They’ll be more grateful than our ducks, I promise you!

Mrs Wallet and The Boot Sale… a true(ish) story

Posted on September 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A few weeks ago a couple handed in a wallet at the car boot sale. Inside was some money, cards, driving licence and credit cards, everything needed for modern daily life. I tried in vain to get one of the card suppliers to contact the lady who had lost the card, I even tried the roadside recovery organisation, all to no avail. Later on, the wallet and the lady were re-united. I wrote this to thank the couple who handed the wallet in…

Once upon a time, a small dark-blue wallet called ‘Mrs Wallet’ lived with her human in a small village in Bedfordshire. She had a very important job. It was her duty to look after everything her human needed when she went shopping: credit cards, drivers licence, road rescue card and of course money! She took this responsibility very seriously and was happy in her work. So happy was she that that every time her human opened her up, her Velcro strip sang with pleasure!

One Saturday morning, Mrs Wallet’s human said, “We’re off to a boot sale!” Mrs Wallet froze with terror. Was it not a fortnight ago that a purse she had met in the supermarket had told her that car boot sales were full of ‘pirates, brigands and cut-throats’, that stole purses and wallets, emptied their contents and abandoned them in skips, litter bins or on the side of the road!

Mrs Wallet and her human arrived in a field just outside Baldock, the sun was shining, the grass was green and the sky was blue. They parked the car and walked into the selling area. It didn’t look like a field full of pirates, brigands and cut-throats. Everyone there, whether behind a table full of exciting things or walking about shopping, looked very normal. In fact Mrs Wallet thought they looked as normal as in the supermarket or any other shop she’d ever visited.

Mrs Wallet’s human seemed to be enjoying herself; she chatted to stallholders, had a cup of tea at the burger van and bought an ornament (which wasn’t to Mrs Wallet’s taste) to go on the windowsill in the kitchen. Mrs Wallet was happy, her Velcro sang with joy.
They were just about to leave for home when Mrs Wallet’s human noticed a china doll on a stall next to the exit. Mrs Wallet was put down onto the pasting table next to a rather scruffy bear while the doll was examined. Mrs Wallet didn’t like the doll, her human had too many already and all they did was collect dust in the old chair by the front door. She heaved a sigh of relief when her human put down the doll, told the seller that it wasn’t quite what she wanted, and walked away towards the exit.

Mrs Wallet tried to scream but her Velcro mouth was stuck solid. She’d been left behind, abandoned and forgotten. She looked around. All the humans looked like pirates, brigands and cut-throats! Little old ladies had knives hidden in their knitting bags, old men brandished walking sticks that were swords in disguise and wasn’t that child’s water pistol full of acid? She was terrified.

A hand picked her up. “That lady left her wallet behind,” a pirate’s voice rang out. Another voice, this time not unlike her human said, “We could take it to the Organiser?” The lady, whose hands were soft, picked her up and Mrs Wallet felt a little safer. However her terror returned as she saw that she was being taken to a terrifying old man dressed in a fluorescent jacket. She was being delivered into the hands of the Pirate Captain!
A rough hand tore open her Velcro, she felt cards being removed. This was it, this is what the purse in the supermarket had warned her about. The next stop for her was a skip, litter bin or roadside verge.

She heard the Pirate Captain speaking on the phone, “Yes, I know you’re roadside assistance, but could you contact this lady and tell her she left her wallet at the bootsale?” and “Yes, I realize it’s not my credit card. No, I don’t want to cancel it, it’s not mine to cancel, could you just let the lady know that she’s left it at the bootsale?” The pirate then said a word that made Mrs Wallet blush and she was forced into the dark glovebox of his pirate-mobile.

Some minutes later she heard a muffled phone ring and the pirate’s gruff voice: “Yes,” she heard him say, “a couple handed it in, we’ll see you soon.” Mrs Wallet hardly dared believe what she was hearing, was her human going to rescue her? Sometime later, sunlight streamed into her glovebox of captivity. The rough Pirate Captain’s hand reached in and grabbed her, and handed her over… to her human! She was so happy that her Velcro sung with joy again.

She would never listen to what a purse told her ever again and she’d always enjoy coming to the Baldock Car Boot Sale where most people were helpful, kind and honest, with very few pirates, brigands and cut-throats!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The ‘Musical’ Toy!

Posted on August 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday my daughter was very brave, I was child monitor for the day! Even though I say it myself, I was very well behaved. Just one occasion where a chocolate biscuit was used as a bribe, she tasted my attempt at cooking lunch and ate most of it and we shopped for everyone supper without including chips! However it was when my charge had left that the ‘fun’ started…

Looking after granddaughter yesterday,
She had many toys out to play,
When she’d gone I tidied up,
and had just sat down with a ‘relieving cup’,
When all of a sudden music was heard,
From deep in the basket, quite absurd!
What was making this dreadful noise?
How could anyone sell such tuneless toys?
There was silence when I started to look,
Was it a toy or a musical book?
I emptied the basket out to no avail,
Under the pile it started to wail.
I made a grab down nearest the wall
It was the first thing I found, a ‘musical’ ball!
So if a friend you wish to annoy,
Buy their child a musical toy!

The Bucket of Coffee!

Posted on August 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It would seem that recently some words have changed their meaning. Take the word ‘large’ for instance. It used to be just greater than small. In the past if you ordered a large portion of chips, it would probably have been less than half as much again as a small. With the increase in food/drink outlets ‘large’ seems to have taken on a new meaning…

I stopped for a coffee last Thursday,
Was in desperate need of a hit,
I couldn’t see the wood for the trees,
And was descending deep in the sh*t!
I asked for a large black coffee,
Something to wake me right up,
When it came I couldn’t believe it,
Was a bucket disguised as a cup!
But the time I had emptied the contents,
Was flying as high as a kite,
I was wired like a three-pin wall-socket,
Didn’t sleep at all the next night!
I’ll restrict the use of the ‘L’ word,
From now on I’ll ask for a ‘small’
And so I’m not taken for a glutton,
I won’t ask for a ‘large’ at all!

Rain From the West!

Posted on May 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning is going to be one of those ‘Do we, Don’t we’ days! The forecast shows enormous rain blobs the size of a farm over Baldock. The forecasters are wearing their ‘Now listen to me, it’s going to be bad, or maybe not’ faces and only ‘Him upstairs’ has any idea what the weather is going to do for the next few hours. So I’m destined to be wrong ~ Wrong if I open the car boot sale and most customers stay away because it’s raining and wrong if I shut the gates and go back to bed! (i.e. answer the phone all morning as the rain has cleared and people can’t understand why the boot sale is off!). I’m going to be wrong with a smile on my face…

Rain, rain, go away,
Don’t come back on Saturday!
Come in the week,
Come at night,
Not on a Saturday,
It just ain’t right!
I know that it’s a lot to ask,
But just oblige on this little task.

A lot of people at home you know,
Looking out of the window,
“Do we go?
Is it still raining?
Will it stop?
Will our toddler have a strop?
We’ve packed the car,
It’s in the drive,
Will it be raining when we arrive?”

So do it for others,
Do it for me,
And I a happy farmer will be!
My crops need water,
To make them grow,
But on a Saturday…
…damn it, just go!

There’s Always Someone to Blame! (this time it’s me)

Posted on April 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning the media are looking for someone to blame for the rain spoiling everyone’s Easter Day! Unfortunately, just one day’s rain in April can’t be down to climate change, the Environment Agency or events in the Middle East, so they’ve had to widen the search. I might just be able to help…

I took my car to the car wash,
On Easter day afternoon.
The sky looked rather threatening,
I was expecting rain quite soon!

I sat in the waiting room,
Watching the suds and the spray.
Thinking how dirty my car was,
And how little I had to pay!

I drove out of the car wash,
Just as it started to rain,
I should be shamed by the media,
As there’s always someone to blame!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Back to my Future!

Posted on April 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was talking with an old friend yesterday. We came to the conclusion that despite making many mistakes during the course of our lifetimes, there wasn’t much we’d change if we could hop into a DeLorean with Marty McFly. However upon consideration, I might purchase a mouth lock for future use…

I often say:
The wrong things,
at the wrong time,
to the wrong people.

I seldom say:
The right things,
at the right time,
to the right people.

I so often put foot in mouth,
that I’m ever cautious,
about where I tread,
as you never know,
what might be stuck,
to your soul!

Apparently this is known simply as:
LIFE!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

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