The Other Side of the Furrow!

Posted on March 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday we had 29 eight-year-old schoolchildren visiting the farm from an inner-city school in London. The sun shone, the ground under-foot was dry, lambs delighted, chicks amused and the children left the farm exhausted but happy. Having thoroughly enjoyed their company, I went to look at some ground where we hope to drill Spring Beans. This spoilt my day. On top was dry, but underneath the surface it was like un-cooked chocolate pudding. I should have given each child a dibber and a bag of seed!…

A farmer that I know,
Some beans he hoped to sow.
The field was wet,
The tractor got set,
No further did he go!

My thanks to the staff and pupils from the school that visited yesterday, please come again soon, it was wonderful to see you!

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I’ve Been Framed!

Posted on March 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have new glasses. Suddenly my world is clearer and brighter, and despite certain people suggesting ‘you’ve been framed!’ and singing ‘you can see clearly now that the frame has gone!’ I am thankful that I have new glasses. Very soon the jokes will evaporate and people will pick on somebody else…

As you may have read the other day,
I lost my glasses loading hay.
I blundered my way through all my chores,
Hitting my head on lintels and doors!
So at Mrs Bard’s request,
I went to Alders for an eye test,
The wonderful people there were so kind,
Chased up my glasses in double quick time.
I’d been driving Mrs Bard around the bend,
Thanks to Alders she enjoyed her weekend!
Alders Opticians can be found at http://www.alldersopticians.com and provide an excellent local service. (By Appointment to The Baldock Bard!).

Babysitting the Granddaughter!

Posted on February 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I have taken on one of the worlds most demanding jobs. We are baby-sitting while our daughter and son-in-law have gone skiing.
I think we’re doing it right…

Toys are scattered all over the floor,
There’s chaos everywhere,
The dog is sitting expectantly,
Under the child’s high chair!
Some of the lunch hits the target,
Most of it covers her clothes,
A yoghurt is offered for pudding,
Much of it spread on her nose!
Finally the meal is over,
A grand wipe-round with a cloth,
The menu has been a disaster,
I wish I’d given her broth!

The Rite of Passage!

Posted on December 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Back in the day, an important rite of passage was the first car. I had a second-hand Mini from Jenkins Garage in Baldock. The open road was suddenly all mine and like Toad of Toad Hall, I couldn’t wait to go ‘Poop Poop!’ These days, as with almost everything, rites of passage occur at an earlier age. My granddaughter (1yr 4months) has just taken delivery of her first car…
My granddaughter has a brand new car
It’s yellow, red and plastic,
She sits in it with monkey,
To her it’s just fantastic!

It is ecologically sound,
Doesn’t run on fuel,
No MOT or road tax,
It’s cheaper than a mule!

No congestion charge to pay,
Because of no emissions,
If PC Brock tells them to stop,
She and monkey change positions!

Wishing you all the best for 2014 and thank you for keeping me on track during 615 days of rhyming scribbles!
Hope I continue to ‘amuse-par-bouche’ in 2014
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Dangers of Fruit Punch (part two)

Posted on December 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago, in the late seventies when I was a student, the standard drink at student parties was a fruit punch. This innocent formulae generally involved tipping bottles of Hirondelle (or other uber-cheap wine), into a washing up bowl, adding a couple of segmented oranges, some orange juice and a small bottle of spirits. Central to the recipe was the hope that person’s unknown would add some alcohol or other goodies as the night wore on…

I once went to a party,
As a student some years ago,
A girl staggered up to the punch bowl,
And up, into it, she did throw!

A student approached the drinks table,
Had a beard, was talking much sh*t,
“This punch appears to be fruity,
I wonder what they put in it?”

(Part one can be found here: http://bit.ly/1cgrXKx)

A Dark Christmas Eve!

Posted on December 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I remember some years ago looking at an old painting depicting a Nineteenth Century Christmas and wondering what it was really like. I need wonder no more. Following last nights storms we are on the news as: “Thousands of houses were without power last night as storms….” How many times have we heard that phrase from a smug position and not even thought ‘Poor Sods‘? No more wondering for me…

Was the night before Christmas Eve,
Around ten O’clock hour,
Suddenly darkness,
We have no power!
The wind it is howling,
Like Hounds of Hell,
The night is not cold,
That’s just as well!
The turkey is resting,
In the non-refrigerator,
There’s wracking of brains,
How’ll we’ll cook it later!
Nothing is working,
No communication ways,
So I wish you Happy Christmas,
It’s just like old days!

Baldock Bard from mobile tablet (slate with chalk!)

Gap Fortnight Shame!

Posted on December 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

When I left college in 1975, having studied on a short ‘How to be a Farmer’ course, I took time off. Back then the gap year hadn’t been invented apart from a hippy trail to Marrakesh (but nobody in the farming circle knew anyone as ‘daring’ to be that adventurous). A very short tour was all that was allowed between education and work – in my case a fortnight crammed in before harvest! Yesterday I found my diary from that fortnight and it resurrected a memory of which I’m not proud…

I went touring France with a friend from college,
In desperate search of some Gallic knowledge.
We drove around France in his mother’s small car,
Looking at cattle to prove ‘farmers we are!’
We thought we were clever, thought we were cool,
Looking back now, I was simply a fool.
Driving around in unseasonal rain,
I’d seen enough cattle, never again!
I did something that, funny at the time,
But now in hindsight, seems more like a crime.
Driving through a village, floods everywhere,
A man sweeping water, soon had a look of despair.
By driving the car on the side of the street,
We drove through some water that was really quite deep.
The man looked up, too late to take action,
Was showered in water, no time for reaction.
I wonder if he reminisces about those wet days,
When he shook his fist and shouted ‘Anglais!’

Postscript: I always thought the village where this incident took place was called ‘Fresnog Le Grande’. It was only yesterday, thanks to Google, that I realised how bad my spelling was back then! It should have been ‘Fresnoy Le Grande’. A very pretty old-fashioned village in the Picardy region.
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

How to Handle the Stress of World Markets!

Posted on August 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Every profession has its stress-points and problems, particularly in these uncertain times. Farming is no different. The price of grain rises and falls like the tide. News of French and Baltic wheat arriving at UK ports is enough to instantly remove £3/tonne from the wheat price. Likewise rumours of not enough rain in the Midwest of the US or extra demand from the Chinese can counteract this fall by the end of the trading day! Add to that the fact that we are harvesting crops planned in June 2012 and planted last September. The effects of the weather and idiot politicians since then play a part, and it becomes clear why there are so many anxious farmers at this time of year! However amid the dust and uncertainty of harvest appears something that, for me, immediately puts it all into context…

Some things in life are a nuisance,
Some things in life are a pain!
but none can be bettered,
Than a grandchild unfettered,
Sitting on a large heap of grain!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

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The Truth About Dinosaurs!

Posted on June 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Most children of a certain age are honest, brutally so. Most adults aren’t. The following is partially a true story. You’ll have to decide for yourselves what is true and what is not…

A little boy
Said to me recently:
“You don’t half look old!”
I said to him,
Without a pause:
“When I was your age I used to ride dinosaurs!”

He looked at me,
Mouth agape.
I continued:

“Some of them flew,
But in the days before runways,
It was often a bumpy take-off.”

“Some ran,
Faster than a speeding train,
But without the tracks to guide them,
You never knew just where they would go:
I once ended up outside Edinburgh by mistake.”

“Some became extinct
Because they just sat,
Deep in their caves,
Looking down at their little hands,
On the end of their stubby arms,
Wondering if they would ever be able
To suck their thumb!”

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Visiting Big Sky Country!

Posted on June 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday son-in-law John and I travelled north to the Fens. These are the UK’s answer to Montana – Big Sky Country. However we weren’t there to look at the long-range view, but to visit the co-operative that sells all our grain and see their new multi-million pound store. I hadn’t been there for nearly ten years and like an aged uncle at a family reunion was tempted to do some head-patting and say “My, haven’t you grown!” However perhaps the most important part was meeting the staff, most of whom I knew so well on the phone but had never met…
The Cambridgeshire Fens are very very flat,
You can see for miles, just fancy that!
Up near March is a large grain store,
It’s called Fengrain (I’ve mentioned them before!)
They sell our oats, beans and wheat,
Because they’re a co-operative it means we can compete.
I drove up to Wimblington just yesterday,
For their new stores opening on a bright and sunny day!
We had a trip around the enormous store,
All so much bigger than it ever was before!
But that’s not the reason I drove all the way from home,
I got to meet the people I know only on the phone!
So thank-you Fengrainers for all you do for me,
Without your caring expertise the poorer I would be!
Dedicated to all the wonderful staff who have made Fengrain such a success over the last 40 years!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  