Once a Knight…always a Knight!

Posted on May 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was poking my nose into some local history yesterday when I came across a tale of a mysterious knight that lived long ago. Adding together bits and pieces and making up what I couldn’t discover (like a true historian), I came up with his story. It may be slightly less than authentic, but it sounds good to me…

There once was a kindly knight,
Who was ever so polite,
He’d say to you,
before he ran you through,
“I don’t mean it, much, goodnight!”

One day while riding his horse,
He met a damsel in distress (of course!)
She swooned at his offer,
a lift he did proffer,
Carried her off without sign of force!

She bore him a son and an heir,
With the brightest and reddest ginger hair!
At the time of conception,
he ignored the reception,
So a knave nipped smartish in there!

The king took his knight off to war,
Was the last of him that she saw,
His words in the fight:
“That hurts, Ouch! Goodnight!”
And they buried him near Bangalore!

I bet a wonder you’ve one?
Whatever happened to the son?
He lost the plot,
was called Laugh-a-Lot,
Was the heir with the hair who was fun!

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Modern Regency Bath!

Posted on March 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday was a crisp frosty morning. On the way to cultivate some land ready for drilling beans I ran into Dolly the Horse’s support team. Apparently Dolly’s mummy, Charlotte, had gone on a hen weekend to Bath. I though Bath was very much a genteel, quiet-mannered, old-fashioned town, more used to literary festivals and time-warpers who dressed like Jane Austin. I was obviously wrong! The thought of it as a centre for raucous pre-marital high-jinks seemed an alien concept, however if it suits for Bath then there might just be hope for Baldock…

A hen party went to Bath,
Simply to have a laugh.
It wasn’t the drink,
Made them sick in the sink,
But a curry that made them all barf!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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When We Bean Busy!

Posted on January 16, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

So goes the old saying: Beans, beans, good for the heart, the more you eat, the more you fart!…etc. Yesterday morning Steve from L&H Transport arrived on the farm bright and early to take away a load of field beans. Harvested on the 7^th September (see Bard Passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=1204) they have since been stored with great care in a 60 ton bin in our grain store. They have been dressed (using a machine with sieves) and moved from bin to bin to keep them fresh and looking good. We had done our best and it was time for them to leave the farm…

Morning Steve,
It’s a brand new day,
Snow’s on the ground,
Load of beans away!
We’ll try to load,
As quick as we can,
Get you away quickly,
That’s the plan!
The beans rattle,
As they leave the bin,
Along the conveyor,
Make such a din!
Up the elevator,
And down the spout,
With a final rattle,
They’re finally out!
Into the lorry,
Check the weight,
29 tonnes on board,
That’s just great!
Wave Steve off,
Not a sound!
The beans been gone,
Wisbech bound!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Phoenix Rises!

Posted on December 22, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

On August 16th, during harvest, my trusty Isuzu did a passable impersonation of an Olympic Torch! Since then I have hired, begged and borrowed a succession of vehicles while ‘those in the know’ searched for a suitable replacement. John W, a late entrant into this vehicular marathon came up on the inside to take the tape first! I now drive incognito…

Local farmers think something’s fishy
I now drive a Mitsubishi!
Some are asking if it’s on hire
Others are looking for signs of fire!
It looks brand-new because it’s so clean
It’s tidy enough to give a lift to the Queen!
So if you see it parked in the yard
It’s not a celebrity but the Baldock Bard!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Carol Singing!

Posted on December 19, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever had fun, poking fun at somebody having fun? Once again I have been found out to be hypocritical. Last night Mrs Bard and I went to a carol party in the village and had great fun singing all the old favourites. The more the mulled wine flowed the better (or louder) we sung! So this short verse is for Morris: Where you lead we will follow…

A friend of ours joined a choir
When she moved to Kent this year
I was sarcastic about her exploits
Should have done the same I fear!

Spent last night singing carols
No hard pews or bells that ring
Canapes, carols and mulled wine
Hark! The village voices sing!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Nothing!

Posted on December 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I knew it would happen
To me one day
Nothing to write
Nothing to say
Maybe it’s a message?
Maybe it’s not?
What was I going to say?
I think I’ve forgot
So here’s a picture
I took the other day
It sums up this morning
There’s nothing more to say!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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When Time Fell Off the Wall!

Posted on December 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Clearing up the rubbish after a car boot sale some years ago I came across some unwanted time. Unable to sell the kitchen clock, the former owners just abandoned it and drove off. I’ve always been wary about throwing clocks or watches away since someone told me years ago that it was inviting bad luck (hence I have broken watches lying at the bottom of almost every drawer or cupboard in the house). Last week the rescued clock fell from its nail in the kitchen wall and hit me on the head on its way to the stone floor. I thought it was en route to a cupboard (the drawers now having no space left!) but gave it one last chance. Following three attempts and a new battery it suddenly came out of its coma, received a radio signal from Rugby and merited its place back on the nail! This simple action not only suggested to me that sometimes time can heal but also led to me considering time itself…

The kitchen clock fell to the floor
Catching my head on the way
Time passed by close to my eye
How much or how close I can’t say!

The perennial answer to life is time,
Not money nor wages nor sin
At work time loss is down to the boss
Not knowing what we had to begin!

If we could time-travel what would we change?
Knowing disruption could be
Children not born partners forlorn
Totally different life you see!

Thank heavens we can’t go back in time
Not even to yesterday’s tea!
There’d be no stopping impulse-bad shopping
In a flash it never would be!

But the greatest threat to going back now
I’d know what I look like to all
I’d have met an old me when just twenty-three
And seen how time can be cruel!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Consequences!

Posted on November 5, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I woke up in a cold sweat, memories of the night before playing as if constant replay. Questions had no answers: What had I said? What had I done? What would be the consequences of my actions? I was confused…

I woke up this morning
My mouth was desert-dry
My vision was impaired
I did not realise why
I then remembered
The events of the night before
It all became clearer
Why my head was sore

The wine had been good
The whiskey was a malt
And as for the port
A cranial assault
I was helped up the stairs
Or at least I must have been
Apparently my language
Was really quite obscene

At the breakfast table
Silent accusations
Will surely be leading to
Unpleasant recriminations
But all of a sudden
The alarm clock rents the air
I remembered I don’t drink
It was just a bad nightmare!

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Hibernating Loos!

Posted on October 23, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Just as some birds fly South for the winter, our portable toilets leave the farm at the end of the car boot sale season! Visitors to the sales always remark on how uniquely fresh, clean and useable they are considering that they are at a car boot sale. This is not achieved simply by magic…

Health and Safety Warning: Poor quality rhyming can damage your health if taken too seriously, check before purchase as refunds cannot be guaranteed. Serving Suggestion Only.

The loos are leaving the farm this week
They’re off to hibernate, warmer climes to seek!
Everyone says: “how good they be”
Not just somewhere for an emergency pee!

So thanks to those from Toilets +
Who’s weekly clean makes them good for us.
And I mustn’t forget Travis Perkins,
The Biggleswade branch makes sure they’re workins!

A lorry will come and whisk them away
Leaving the trailer for another day
If they could talk you know what they’d choose:
“Happy Christmas from the hibernating loos!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Price of Freedom

Posted on October 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Every so often a news item makes us appreciate how lucky we are to live in a not-perfect but free and democratic society. I know that I can voice opinions here without fear of injury or death.
It is therefore deeply disturbing that a fourteen-year-old girl, Malala Yousafzai is fighting for her life in hospital having been the target for execution because she dared to speak up for the right for girls to have an education in her homeland.
In her blog for the BBC she described what it was like to live in a Taliban-controlled area of Pakistan and she almost paid for the writing with her life.

Freedom sometimes has a higher price than we realise.

For details of how to support Malala Yousafzai:
http://www.uhb.nhs.uk/news/cards-and-donations-for-malala-yousafzai.htm#omb

Baldock Bard