Category Archives: Weather

Beast No-Show in Baldock!

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Have you ever attempted a massive tempt of fate? Last night I decided that if the heavily-promoted ‘Beast from the East’ hadn’t arrived by this morning, I’d laugh in its face and walk outside in my pyjamas and slippers! Well it hasn’t and I did (although not far as it was slightly chilly!)…

Outside I strode,
(not as far as the road),
in my night attire,
not a hint of satire.
The snowplough is ready,
it sits in the sheddy, (ouch!)
fuelled up to go,
but there is no snow!

My high-vis is hanging,
on the back of the door,
Thermals I’m wearing,
boots on the floor.
Where’s all this snow?
I want to know:

The Beast from the East?
Nah! The Kitten hits Britain!

If it doesn’t snow after that appalling rhyme I’ll just have to give up and accept that it was all hype! Have a great day and stay safe.
STOP PRESS: The Bard New Slipper Fund has just reached a record-breaking 38p! Thank you for your generous pledges!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Orbiting Tesla

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I have a sneaking regard for Elon Musk. Not only does he produce one of the worlds most-wanted and ground-breaking range of cars and space rockets, but he has the genius of putting the two together and creating one of the greatest-ever publicity stunts…

I took my Tesla to the stores,
in the car park feeling aloof,
the throttle stuck,
I shouted “F***!”
as I flew right off the roof!

I found myself up in orbit,
floating gently, in space (all alone),
“this is Major Tom!”
‘That Song’ on and on,
as I passed by I waved to home.

The conspiracy theorists on earth,
say I’m really not here,
I’m in my car,
rather be in a bar,
with down-to-earth friends and a beer!

*picture thanks to SpaceX and media outlets worldwide.
© Baldock Bard 2018
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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Steve the Seagull!

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When you write, there are some days when a topic or words just won’t come. In true British fashion, the weather is generally good for a few lines, but once you’ve said “it’s raining again’, it’s hard to find different words and ways. This morning is one of those mornings, so for my 1650th posting I apologise from the comfort of the bathroom we share with Steve…

The final day of January,
Steve the Seagull’s very glad,
he looks from the bathroom,
outside the weather’s bad.
The rain is horizontal,
It’s lashing down “oh my!”
He lets out a chuckle,
‘cos inside he’s nice and dry!

With apologies for such a corny weather-related post and a big ‘sorry’ to my old English teacher for using his banned word ‘nice!’ Have a good day and stay dry!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Intrepid Sportsman!

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I have to admit to knowing nothing at all about the sport of Paddle Boarding. However I always thought it was a sport more associated with summer or warmer climes than a Cambridgeshire river in January! Watching an intrepid enthusiast nervously tackle the weather and river conditions yesterday I could only wonder what I would do under similar conditions…

I was on my Paddle Board,
and got a wobble on,
I didn’t know what to do,
So I called my Uncle Ron!

“I feel a bit unstable,
the river’s running fast,
the wind is also gusting,
I don’t know if I’ll last.”

The last thing that I shouted,
(after a prayer to the Lord),
“I think that I’m about to be,
Man over Board!”

With acknowledgement to all those who make difficult sports look easy.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Potholes!

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Every winter the weather takes its toll on the back drive that services the farmyard and the industrial units. Every year on the first available day (often after a complaint or two!) I get bucket-loads of road-plannings and fill in the holes (hopefully before anyone shouts at me!!!). After the recent heavy rain and melted snow the holes were full of water…

Yesterday on the back track,
I was a jolly pot-hole filler,
It’s not a bad job,
but on the back it’s a killer.

I fill in the cavities
It looks like we’ve had moles!
Then a car drives by and splashes me,
And I shout at them “(pot)holes!”

Have a good day and avoid all (pot)holes!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Brisk Walk!

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Yesterday we had snow, there was also a bitterly cold wind and so it was the perfect day to go for a stroll (brisk) before lunch! My granddaughter led the way without complaint, however halfway around the wood her dog had a change of mind…

Walking through the wood,
snow crunches on the ground,
the lazy wind goes through you,
rather than around!
Pabi (my Granddaughters dog),
decides she’s had enough,
off she runs back home,
in a batey-angry-huff!
Back at the house,
she awaits our return,
straight in front of the fire,
first back – it’s her turn!

Have a great week and I hope you get the best spot in the warm!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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Aussie ‘Flu!

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Since Christmas I have been feeling unwell and recovery has been slow. At first I suspected that old adversary, Man Flu. However having read certain media outlets, I am now in a position to positively self-diagnose – It was Aussie Flu…

I’ve been laid low with Aussie Flu,
temperature leaping like a kangaroo,
food I yearned was from a barbie,
all I could taste was wasabi!
Beer from a tinnie I could sink,
a thirst like Bondi beach I think.
The bugs now gone I won’t forget
back down under on a Quantas jet!

If you are feeling under the weather, I hope you’re back to 100% soon.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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January ‘Flu!

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For some days now, along apparently with a cast of many thousands, I am responsible for putting the NHS under ‘intolerable strain’. Quite how certain sections of the media can say this when the NHS hasn’t been notified of my ailment, I’m not sure. Perhaps they are supposed to know through magical ways or the bugs in my system are reporting back!

I’ve had this bad affliction,
for a number of days,
my nose has run the marathon,
in a thousand ways!

With a throat that feels like sandpaper,
along with a ticklish cough,
too week to even consider,
that I could work it off!

I know if I were female,
with so much I should do,
I’d have no excuse at all,
wouldn’t get this ‘Old Man-Flu’!

If you too are suffering you have my utmost sympathy. Hope you’re back on full power soon!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Stormy Days!

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Since someone started naming not only hurricanes and tropical storms, but windy days here in the UK as well, we seem to been having more winter storms. This is music to the ears of all Climate Change enthusiasts and the Leave/Stay bores (it must somehow be the fault of Brussels). So todays storm is Eleanor and tomorrow’s starts with an ‘F’, any wind-themed ideas?…

“It’s another windy storm!”
The hysterical media shouts,
(it’s not climate change,
but left-over Brussels Sprouts).

Hang onto your hat and umbrella! Stay safe and smile out there, it’s not the end… yet!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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By Candle-light!

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Late Sunday morning the lights went out. A tree, with branches laden with snow, brought down a power line in one of our fields with a bang and shower of sparks. This is something that always happens to others during inclement weather and is reported on the news almost as an inevitable bolt-on: “…bringing down power lines and leaving thirty thousand homes without electricity!” By mid evening the power had been restored to just five dwellings and a phone mast…

We sat around with candles,
not a drop of juice anywhere,
while men with large pliers,
hoisted cables back in the air!
While we sat by the fireplace,
warmed with the fireside glow,
faceless engineers outside,
worked in the dark and snow.
Then all of a sudden,
the power was restored,
our digital lives resumed,
not in the slightest bit bored!

‘Thank-you’ to UK Power Network, for being there when needed. It was fun while it lasted because it didn’t last long!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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