Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

Threatened and Mugged!

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Yesterday morning I was threatened and mugged as I walked to work. The assailants, all white, weren’t after my mobile, fancy trainers or cash, but after wheat! Spring is definitely in the air as they are getting more boisterous by the day…

“Stand and Deliver!”
the geese all shout,
“Put down that phone,
and get the wheat out!”

“Don’t hesitate,
or try nothing funny,
we just want some wheat,
to help fill our tummy!”

I went to the hopper,
and scooped out some food,
They then honked some more,
(I think it was rude!)

If you find yourself mugged by a bird today, just give in as quickly as possible and walk on, you know it makes sense! Just in case you think I’m the only sucker on the block, Val is regularly mugged too! Take care out there – the farmyard is a dangerous place!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Caution Men

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The other day while halving a bit of a clear-out in the farm workshop, we came across an old and unusual sign. It seemed out of place in this modern world, so in the bin it went, however not before it had made me think…

‘Caution Men Working,’
so said the sign,
it had lain behind a cupboard,
for quite some time.

Having lived with a mother,
Who worked as hard as a man,
I’ve no gender bias,
No male domination plan.

So let’s hear it for workers,
whatever their gender,
and put the sign in the bin,
An out of date, offender!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Demo!

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Yesterday I was chopping some wood when some visitors to the farm walked by to see what I was doing. I explained that the machine on the back of the tractor had a worm that bored into the wood and it split, “Just like this…”

I threw the small axe over my shoulder,
“Won’t need that!” I said getting bolder,
I put the large log onto the splitter,
“The downside is – I don’t get fitter!”
The worm bored into the trunk of the tree,
I struggled to hold it in line with my knee,
Then all of a sudden with a relieved laugh,
The tree trunk cracked and split in half!

When they had gone the next three logs were excessively difficult and I realised then that a demonstrators job is never quite as easy as it looks!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Hoisting a Bishop!

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Thieves stole some of the copper roof from our little village church in 2016. In 2017 they returned for the rest. Thanks to the remarkable generosity of donors, the roof has been replaced with stainless steel. On Sunday the Bishop of Hertford came to bless the roof. As he wasn’t tall enough to reach the roof unaided, my JCB Loadall and cage were requested. This lead to some very amusing conversations with my insurance agents, the Royston branch of the NFU…

“You want to hoist a bishop in a cage?”

I pretended:
“It’s what farmers do, it’s all the rage!”

“It started when a friend had a broken tile,
then it escalated, it took a while.
Then somebody took the copper roof from the church,
I hoisted the vicar to a lofty perch!
Like in chess, a bishop, the very next stage,
Ultimate aim: ‘Archbishop in the cage!’”

Some may wonder why I didn’t ask the Pope,
I presumed the answer would have been ‘nope!’

With thanks to all, particularly my long-suffering insurers. Also to the Bishop of Hertford and Nick Lyness who both simply smiled and waved from a great height! Of course none of this would have been possible without the support of Clothall’s vicar, Fiona Wheatley, who declined to travel as ‘I’ve been up before!’, where she goes – others follow!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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(Not) a Treasure Trove!

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The other day while trawling through a seldom-used drawer I can across a future treasure-trove. There underneath a pile of old cheque-book stubs and expired business cards lay four old five pound notes, neatly pressed and with consecutive numbers. I realise this is not the equivalent of finding King Tut’s burial chamber, but it may help my daughter fund a burger in 2100…

I know it’s hardly exciting,
Unlikely to garner votes,
But recently I found,
Four consecutive notes!
I know they’re not legal tender,
Their day has been and gone,
I can’t even remember
Where I got them from!
Maybe in a hundred years,
They’ll be worth a mint,
So I’m giving them to Granddaughter,
might make her future glint!

I know the rhyming is bad and the content worse, but please forgive me as it’s Friday! Have a great weekend and see if you too can find treasure from them there drawers!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Beast No-Show in Baldock!

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Have you ever attempted a massive tempt of fate? Last night I decided that if the heavily-promoted ‘Beast from the East’ hadn’t arrived by this morning, I’d laugh in its face and walk outside in my pyjamas and slippers! Well it hasn’t and I did (although not far as it was slightly chilly!)…

Outside I strode,
(not as far as the road),
in my night attire,
not a hint of satire.
The snowplough is ready,
it sits in the sheddy, (ouch!)
fuelled up to go,
but there is no snow!

My high-vis is hanging,
on the back of the door,
Thermals I’m wearing,
boots on the floor.
Where’s all this snow?
I want to know:

The Beast from the East?
Nah! The Kitten hits Britain!

If it doesn’t snow after that appalling rhyme I’ll just have to give up and accept that it was all hype! Have a great day and stay safe.
STOP PRESS: The Bard New Slipper Fund has just reached a record-breaking 38p! Thank you for your generous pledges!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Mum’s Exclusive Taxi!

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Some months ago a friend asked ‘If I could be given any car in the world what would I choose?’ Apparently he had always yearned for a Mustang! I had more boring yearnings, a Tesla! As I was driving through a local town last week I spotted one dropping kids off at school…

Tessa drives a Tesla,
to take the kids to school,
glides up to the pavement,
Thinks “Wow! This car is cool!”

The gull-wing doors rise open.
out the children climb,
as if they’re both time-travellers,
to arrive at school on time.

Dad works in the City,
he goes up to town by train,
by the time that he gets home at night,
the kids are asleep again.

Tessa does a lot of driving,
she thinks her life is cruel,
she does so many miles each week,
she’s grateful there’s no fuel.

On Fridays Suzy has ballet,
Colin plays in a Junior Band,
she’s the only mum whose ‘taxi’,
cost over a hundred grand!

On second thoughts I’ll stick with what I’ve got as knowing my luck I’d be the first person to be stuck on the side of the motorway with a truly ‘Flat Battery!’ Whatever you drive, do it safely today and always. BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
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On Dover Beach 2018

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Sometimes I get to read poetry written by proper poets. Observing the depth and meaning of their writing, I feel as if I’m standing staring at a puddle when an unseen ocean laps the shore in front of me. The other day I read ‘Dover Beach’ published in 1867 by famous poet Mathew Arnold (1822-1888) As I was in East Kent at the end of last week, I decided to look up Dover Beach for myself and see what I’d make of it…

Of Dover Beach there was no sign,
nothing poetic, nothing to rhyme.

A vast expanse of modern concrete,
wind-blown sea-spray as cold as sleet.
In the distance cross-channel ferries,
jostle for position like adversaries,
shuttling off to Northern France,
choreographed as a giant’s first dance.

On Calais beach looking out to sea,
two dark eyes stare back at me,
across from France asylum’s waiting,
so near but far and so frustrating,
her child was drowned in the Aegean Sea,
through a fog of tears she can’t see me.

I was disappointed by Dover Beach,
that so many give their all to reach,
instead of saying “What the f**k”
perhaps I should just count my luck.

If only I had thought and tried,
I should have known it was high tide!

Obviously written with apologies to Matthew Arnold© Baldock Bard 2018
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Behind the Red Door!

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Yesterday I went to a salon for a haircut. Laura had trimmed my unruly mop many times at home in our kitchen, however this was the first time in her new salon, ‘The Red Door’ in Baldock. We have very few mirrors in our house and I was not prepared for the reflective qualities of the large mirror facing me…

When I took a seat,
in front of the mirror you see,
I noticed an old man
gazing back at me!
My hair was a mess,
I looked pale,
more lines on my face,
than Network Rail,
Laura was kind,
chatting away,
“Was I going somewhere nice,
for my holiday?”
I mumbled a reply,
(I looked like a clown,
made strange faces,
even a frown!)
When it was over,
I even smirked,
my hair looked great,
Laura’s magic had worked!

I have used much poetic licence – of course Laura didn’t ask ‘Was I going somewhere nice for my holiday?’ however my hair did look great when she’d finished!
Laura’s Red Door in Baldock is well worth a visit, she is truly a magical craftsman.
© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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