Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

The Little Dog’s Secret!

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I wonder how many of you, having looked at the picture above, though ‘aaah, look at that lovely little dog!’ Unfortunately I have to tell you that you’ve been had! Our ‘little precious’, puppy-like Chihuahua crossed with a Jack Russell (apparently sweetly termed a Jack Chi),  has a hidden secret…

Without a sorry,
nary a pardon,
she runs out of the house,
straight down the garden.
For her every day,
can turn into a thriller,
she’s a cute and charming,
wood pigeon killer.
They strut across the lawn,
(looking out for a cat),
but see no danger,
in a cute doggy like that!
Before they know it,
take flight to the air,
the little dog is leaping,
“It’s simply not fair!”
This terrible act,
in all sorts of weathers,
the evidence is there,
pigeons tail feathers!

Whether people or animals, it’s always the most innocent-looking that strike the hardest!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Painting The Ceiling!

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Yesterday, being St Valentines Day, I spend the time being attentive to Mrs Bard. Oh dear! I cannot lie to you, I actually spent the morning coating the ceiling in one of the industrial units with fireproof paint. Unfortunately my skill at this, as with most things I do, is far from award-winning, in fact it has been described as ‘woeful’…

Many years ago when the children were small,
my wife went to play a Lacrosse match at a far-away school,
“Right kids!” I said with an authoritative tone,
You know what we’ll do, we’ll paint the kitchen at home!
Preparations were minimal it looked easy on TV,
the whole process seemed to be a doddle to me!
By the time she returned we’d managed to paint,
three walls two children and she said she felt faint!
But the greatest surprise had yet to reveal,
we’d painted around things on shelves this was ‘unreal’
I was never asked to paint anything again,
except on the farm where it would be seen by ‘just men!’

Have a great day and if you’re painting remember that ‘an ounce of preparation is worth a pound of performance’ (apparently!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The New Ceiling!

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Yesterday was spent erecting a new false ceiling in one of our small light industrial units to prepare for the arrival of a new tenant. Over the years the small pig sheds (about the size of a double lock-up garage) have been so popular that we only get to refurbish about one a year. So yesterday was day one…

Russ is in the cage,
screwing a new ceiling,
his arms flag time does drag,
in fact he’s lost all feeling!
But we’re on the home straight,
the end almost in sight,
in a day (or so we pray!)
the ceiling will be white!
Then ‘Tim’ will take possession,
the unit just like new,
Russ will say, ‘Hip Hooray!’
and exclaim a happy ‘Phew!’

Thanks to Russ for his vital help, hope the arms recover soon!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Black and White

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One of the finest of morning views from our kitchen window is deer grazing in the rear meadow. Yesterday there was a whole group, quietly chomping on grass, along with one that was not the same as the others. Despite its unusual light-faun colouring none of the others took any notice…

One odd-coloured deer,
grazing in the meadow,
none of the others noticed,
if a girl or a fellow.

It muddled in with the others,
no sign of any fear,
didn’t matter about the colour,
was just another deer!

None of them shunned it,
no-one called it ‘scum’,
and humans have the cheek to say:
“animals are all dumb!”

If we had half the sense of animals we’d be better humans. BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
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A Different Perspective!

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Yesterday I was overflying our woodland with my trusty drone. It is particularly interesting at this time of year before the view is obscured by leaves. I flew over a small pond on the outskirts of the wood that is surrounded by a large bund so it is not visible from the ground. I suddenly understood that it’s refreshing to see things from a different perspective…

It’s good to look from a different angle,
it’s amazing what you are able to see,
things from a different perspective,
not just simply Me, Me, Me!
Too many people on social media,
shout their opinions very loud,
others who may have something to say,
are often hidden by the ‘Shouty Crowd!’
But if you rise high above it,
there’s a different world up there,
ignore the politics and the bullsh*t,
enjoy the peace and keep your hair!

Have a great week and enjoy a different view!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Cocky the Pheasant!

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“Pinch, Punch, First of the Month, no returns, rabbits and hares” …and pheasants! The old children’s saying has probably been banned by now but with a small addition it could sum up the beginning of February here on the farm. It is traditionally a month of discontent and bad weather, however for Cocky our friendly pheasant in the garden it means he’s safe from someones pot for another year…

“I’m safer this morning thank goodness,
than I was the day before,
not from the Bard you understand me,
‘cos he couldn’t hit a barn door!

The other day on the drive,
I stood in front of his car,
he opened his door to ‘shoo’ me,
I asked him ‘are we going far?’

I tried to get in through the window,
then had a go at the door,
he drove off at last without me,
leaving me all angry and sore!

I shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me,
wheat and all sorts of grain,
but the shooting season is now over,
and I’m free to bully him again!”

Having not picked up a gun in years the world is a safer place and the barn door has been mended! If Cocky Pheasant comes at me again I may be forced to swear at him!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Steve the Seagull!

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When you write, there are some days when a topic or words just won’t come. In true British fashion, the weather is generally good for a few lines, but once you’ve said “it’s raining again’, it’s hard to find different words and ways. This morning is one of those mornings, so for my 1650th posting I apologise from the comfort of the bathroom we share with Steve…

The final day of January,
Steve the Seagull’s very glad,
he looks from the bathroom,
outside the weather’s bad.
The rain is horizontal,
It’s lashing down “oh my!”
He lets out a chuckle,
‘cos inside he’s nice and dry!

With apologies for such a corny weather-related post and a big ‘sorry’ to my old English teacher for using his banned word ‘nice!’ Have a good day and stay dry!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Intrepid Sportsman!

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I have to admit to knowing nothing at all about the sport of Paddle Boarding. However I always thought it was a sport more associated with summer or warmer climes than a Cambridgeshire river in January! Watching an intrepid enthusiast nervously tackle the weather and river conditions yesterday I could only wonder what I would do under similar conditions…

I was on my Paddle Board,
and got a wobble on,
I didn’t know what to do,
So I called my Uncle Ron!

“I feel a bit unstable,
the river’s running fast,
the wind is also gusting,
I don’t know if I’ll last.”

The last thing that I shouted,
(after a prayer to the Lord),
“I think that I’m about to be,
Man over Board!”

With acknowledgement to all those who make difficult sports look easy.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Curse of Peanut Butter!

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This morning my five-year-old granddaughter came to breakfast. Her old grandfather was tasked with preparing and serving breakfast. Only one problem – I have a hatred of peanut butter and had not foreseen the problem that would arise…

Peanut butter and blackberry jelly,
enough to give your day some welly!
All that energy needed for school,
especially when you’re five and tall. 
It’s also important to like bread as toast
‘cos when you’re a student you eat it the most!

I cut the toast
something brown on my fingers
Took a lick – yuk – 
peanut butter taste lingers!

With apologies to all those who love Peanut Butter, I bet you hate Marmite! Have a great day BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Brisk Walk!

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Yesterday we had snow, there was also a bitterly cold wind and so it was the perfect day to go for a stroll (brisk) before lunch! My granddaughter led the way without complaint, however halfway around the wood her dog had a change of mind…

Walking through the wood,
snow crunches on the ground,
the lazy wind goes through you,
rather than around!
Pabi (my Granddaughters dog),
decides she’s had enough,
off she runs back home,
in a batey-angry-huff!
Back at the house,
she awaits our return,
straight in front of the fire,
first back – it’s her turn!

Have a great week and I hope you get the best spot in the warm!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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