The Christmas Cards

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According to media reports we are sending less and less Christmas cards every year. Also the annual ‘Round Robin’ letter detailing family achievements has been largely replaced by ‘Look At Us’ daily postings on social media. I must be very old-fashioned as I rather like receiving cards. Last night I recoiled in horror as I realised I’d not written a single one and so spent over four hours furiously using something called a pen whilst applying for a mortgage to buy the stamps…

Less than half the under-thirty-fives,
are sending Christmas Cards,
they’d rather use social media,
(than use a pen like bards!).
Everyone already knows,
what they’ve done each day,
it’s all played out on Facebook,
there’s nothing more to say!
Once I was caught out,
with cards I did decorate,
(I realised that at least three,
were from folk a few years ‘late’).
So if I’ve left you out,
no card ends on your mat,
Have a very Happy Christmas,
and lets leave it just like that!!

(Todays picture shows a selection of cards already received at Bard Towers!)
Happy Christmas from the Bard! (That was far easier and quicker than writing all those cards! Maybe next year…)

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Walking Llamas!

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The other day I was driving along an ordinary road, listening to ordinary radio and thinking ordinary thoughts when I came across an extraordinary sight. A group of people were walking llamas! As Poirot might have said in his best continental accent: “In-croy-able!” I quickly snapped a picture on my trusty i-phone and continued on my way, however the scene would not leave my mind…

Some things that have been seen,
cannot be forgotten,
no control-alt-delete,
for my brain (that’s full of cotton!)
Taking a llama for a walk?
(or was it an alpaca?)
would make a rugby player,
suddenly do the Hakka!

I apologise  that my verse,
has taken a turn for the worse,
I need to walk with a llama,
to re-align ny Karma!

Turns out that they were alpacas all along and so my verse is yet again wide of the mark! However it’s too late for adjustment so you’ll just have to forgive me! You too can take an alpaca for a walk, just visit http://www.alpacatrekking.co.uk 
Oh! and while I have your attention, the Waterfront B&B in the background is the best in the world, trust me I’ve stayed there and will do so again! https://www.wellswaterfront.co.uk.
(END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK – NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED TOMORROW!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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By Candle-light!

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Late Sunday morning the lights went out. A tree, with branches laden with snow, brought down a power line in one of our fields with a bang and shower of sparks. This is something that always happens to others during inclement weather and is reported on the news almost as an inevitable bolt-on: “…bringing down power lines and leaving thirty thousand homes without electricity!” By mid evening the power had been restored to just five dwellings and a phone mast…

We sat around with candles,
not a drop of juice anywhere,
while men with large pliers,
hoisted cables back in the air!
While we sat by the fireplace,
warmed with the fireside glow,
faceless engineers outside,
worked in the dark and snow.
Then all of a sudden,
the power was restored,
our digital lives resumed,
not in the slightest bit bored!

‘Thank-you’ to UK Power Network, for being there when needed. It was fun while it lasted because it didn’t last long!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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‘Snow Bomb’ Sunday!

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Yesterday, unusually for a British December, we had around eight inches of snow! Having seen the forecast on Saturday evening I had found the snow-blade in the yard and put it ready for attachment to the JCB Fastrac tractor should the need arise. In the past it has raised much mirth when I was prepared but to no avail, this time I was ready, willing and able! Unfortunately some of the drivers I encountered had obviously never considered snow when they bought their expensive Mercs, Audis and BMW’s…

Out on the Baldock Bypass,
the traffic grinds to a halt,
a tyre-spinning expensive car,
doesn’t think that it’s his fault!
I pass them on the inside,
over the bank beside the road,
they look surprised to see me,
“We can’t believe it snowed!”
The blade goes down in front of them,
just misses a Mercedes bonnet,
they wave a grateful thanks,
(or a finger says ‘sit on it!’)
Most days they swear at tractors,
“Get out the ‘effin way!”
But they seem pleased to see me,
on ‘Snow-Bomb’ Chaos Sunday!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Organics at work!

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Recently our neighbouring farmer had a contractor in with a large spreader to spread his heap of pig muck. Having not had animals on our farm for over 30 years I had forgotten this annual ritual. Apparently those in neighbouring town have more recent memories, although strangely they don’t seem to realize that if they want organic produce, this is the embodiment of such luxury…

The loader digs into the heap,
letting out the odours for others to keep!
Then takes a forkful into the air,
and dumps it into the spreader there.
“The smell is apparent in our home,
please go elsewhere preferribly Rome!
We didn’t move here to breath such a smell,
it’s bound to make our darlings unwell!”
The spreader then drives across the field,
this wholesome muck will boost the yield,
neighbours rush around in a Febreeze-led panic,
yet want all us farmers to go organic!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Feeding the Birds!

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The other day when we were busy fencing, our neighbour, John was ploughing. Following him was the biggest flock of gulls that I’ve ever seen behind a plough. So impressed was I that I had to capture the scene with my faithful drone…

Following John’s plough,
is a large white cloud,
that descends on worms,
with screeching loud.
They communicate,
to others from afar,
“Bring all your friends,
siblings, Ma and Pa!
There are fat juicy worms,
he’s using a furrow press,
just like MacDonnalds,
with portions to impress!”

Have a good day and watch out for the gulls!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Fencing Team!

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Yesterday a local fencing team were in action on the roadside near the town. Not being livestock farmers, the art of erecting a fence doesn’t come naturally to this arable team. Thankfully son-in-law John, who has much experience of such things in a previous incarnation, was there to guide us along and make sure the new post-and-rail fence was presentable…

The local fencing team,
(I’ll not mention any names!)
is hoping for a place,
in the next Olympic Games!
Who will tell them?
(they’re bound to be bereft)
the closest they’re likely to get
Olympic Breakfast at the Little Chef!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Van Gogh’s Ear Defenders

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Yesterday John, my son-in-law and I were doing some winter/spring cleaning in the workshop/grain barn. It’s quite remarkable what lurks in the back of cupboards and under workshop benches. We discovered manuals for long-forgotten tractors and machines along with spare parts that had possibly been ordered by Noah before the Great Flood! One item we found needed no introduction…

On a cupboard shelf,
right at the back,
Van Gogh’s ear defenders,
hidden in a sack!
When he wore them,
all had to shout,
he didn’t hear:
“Gogh-y Watch Out!”
When he turned,
He said, “How absurd!
I didn’t quite hear you,
I only half-heard!”

If you are walking near scaffolding or under ladders today, please be careful and stay safe!
According to my nearest and dearest I apparently have a problem hearing what I don’t want to hear too!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Limited Edition Beer!

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I had spent quite some time in the beer aisle looking for my favourite tipple. Just as I was about to make myself look an idiot in front of an assistant, I spotted the camouflaged packs of cans announcing ‘Limited Edition!’ How stupid of me not to realise that a limited edition should lead to an immediate must-have! Imagine my ‘Fools disappointment’ when what was poured into the glass proved to be exactly the same as from a non-limited edition can…

The can has a lobster on a white background,
a limited edition on the shelf can be found,
open the can and you’ve broken the spell,
”That’s not going to be thrown into recycling as well?”
I lifted the glass to my thirsty lips,
savoured the nectar white-moustached dips!
Very soon the beer was gone away,
getting more limited edition every day!

Cheer’s! A little of what you fancy does you no harm!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Back To The Future!

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Wandering around our local store the other day I came across a gift idea that gave me a sense of deja-vu. There on the shelf was a personal cassette player, what we used to call a ‘Walkman’ after the iconic Sony version of the seventies. Now all I needed to do was find that case of cassettes somewhere out in the barn…

All I want for Christmas is a Walkman,
not an MP3 just a Walkman,
I don’t care if my CD player’s gone,
‘cos all I want for Christmas is a Walkman.
I can hear the hissing afore the music,
the tape has concertinered up inside,
I can’t find a pencil now to tighten it,
so I can have music and bike ride!
The quality from the tape is quite appalling,
there’s hiss and scratching all around,
I go to turn it over onto side two,
tape’s blowing off the bike a mile behind!
All I want for Christmas is an iPhone,
so I can have some music when I drive,
ten-thousand tracks are now on my menu,
what I’ll listen to I’ll never now decide!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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