Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

One Man Went To Mow…!

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I watched a man giving a lawn its final cut of the season. He seemed happy in his work and his work was military-straight. His dog however was intent on ruining his concentration by purposely dropping a tennis ball in front of the mower forcing him to stop, pick up the ball and throw it for her…

One man went to mow,
went to mow a lawn,
used a Hayter 46,
(they call it mower porn!)

Running alongside of him,
his little companion Rosey,
she carries a ball in her mouth,
grass-cuttings in her toes-ey!

One man went to mow,
his mowing is all done,
he’s now off home to have his tea,
and Rosey’s just had fun!

If you’re mowing a lawn today, don’t forget to keep the lines straight and hide any tennis balls before you start!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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The First Driving Lesson!

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Can you remember your first driving lesson? Driving through Baldock the other day I came across a sign of a possible new career for me post-tillage. This prompted me to recall the embarrassment of my first lesson on ‘L’ plates many years ago…

At the age of twelve my Godmother said,
“I’ll get you an old car to keep in the shed,
to drive around the fields on the farm,
so when you start driving you don’t cause alarm!”

Five years later I had my first lesson,
a frightened look was the instructor’s expression,
“You just show what you can do,
And then I’ll start afresh with you!”

I revved the engine and slipped the clutch,
didn’t think the tyres squealed that much!
All at once the dual controls activated,
0/10 my skills were rated!

In an instant I felt a fool
And realised that I knew nothing at all
The instructor lived to drive another day
Unfortunately his hair had turned mostly grey!

Have a great Monday and drive with care!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Seasonal Snacks!

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If there is one event that marks the end of the car boot season for me more than Saturday morning lie-ins, no mowing of parking strips and no printing of signs and tickets, it is the in-store appearance of two seasonal favourites. However since being diagnosed with self-inflicted diabetes in May, Twiglets and Cheeselets have been off the menu…

My two old friends are back again,
but they’re not for me, such a pain!
I daren’t even crack open a lid,
I’d be such a fool if I did,
so I look away and walk by,
we’re now divorced ‘Cheeselets Goodbye!’

But I’m not stopping you, go on, you know you can’t resist them!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Mr Shovel’s Retirement!

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Yesterday afternoon just before 3pm, Mr Shovel announced his retirement from grain shifting on the farm. Unfortunately Miss Broom who worked alongside him chose the same moment to hand in her notice. Apparently they have been an item for some time and with the prospect of no more grain handling are moving to a retirement complex near Wisbech…

Mr Fred Shovel and Miss Suzy Brush,
have retired their services in rather a rush!
They cleared the barn floor of beans,
not as easy as it seems,
once the load was on the lorry,
they downed-tools no hint of “Sorry!”
caught the coach from outside town,
shouted “we will never see you around!”
and as they left a kiss did linger,
looked out of the window gave me the finger!
As I closed the empty shed,
no more crops, no more Fred!
No more sweeping a dusty barn,
with Suzy Brush on my arm!
As Harvey Harrison drove away,
I realised tomorrow is another day!
With grateful thanks to L&H Transport who have carted my crops for over thirty years and have never seemed to tire of carting from a grumpy old farmer!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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The Problem with Lowest Cost Airlines!

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Taking into account problems with low-cost airlines recently, two resourceful sellers at the car boot sales decided to give DIY flight a try. The take-off area was cleared of stalls, children and animals, the local airport control tower was informed and the two intrepid flyers prepared for take-off…

“We’d like to go to Portugal,
but anywhere will do,
so long as the wind doesn’t change
and we end up in Peru!
Are you prepared for take-off?
have you stashed the duty-free?
I can feel the ground is moving,
is that power lines I can see?”
Just then a mighty gust of wind,
(pre-flight checks complete)
and the tarpaulin took off without them,
All they could shout was “SHEET!”

With grateful thanks to Team Fairfield for their humour and joy!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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The Last Bootsale!

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It is not yet 5am on a Saturday morning and I am preparing to leave the warm kitchen to go down and open up the car boot sale for the last time this season. Some may view this with a tinge of sadness, however I can’t believe that I’ve been doing them for so long! Over 40,500 sellers and an estimated 800,000 buyers have visited over the years and we’ve held over 650 sales! Hey Ho! Hey Ho! It’s off to the Bootsale I go…

They’re queuing in the dark at the bootsale,
eager to get in and sell,
hoping that the weather will hold out,
and that they will do well.
The buyers are still asleep,
tucked up in comfy warm beds,
but in cars and vans in the farmer’s field,
treasure from garages and sheds!
Around the bootsale this morning,
the end of out twenty-fifth season,
“Happy Christmas” will be the greeting,
and friendliness will be the reason!
May I be the first to wish you all Happy Christmas (only 72 days early!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

LAST SATURDAY MORNING THIS SEASON!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Fortune In Your Sofa!

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23:59hrs on Sunday 15th of October is the last day you can use the old pound coins in shops before they become worthless pieces of metal. About one in 30 of these coins in circulation is counterfeit. However it is estimated that over £400m-worth of these coins are still in circulation, that’s a lot of coins down the back of someone’s sofa…

There’s a fortune in pound coins,
down the back of your settee,
420 million golden pieces,
should be easy to find and see!
Every time someone’s sat,
in comfort in your house,
the settee has collected a charge,
squirrelled it away like a mouse!
So check all your furniture,
before Sunday’s last deadline,
and if you find those millions,
you know that they are mine!

Happy searching amongst the crumbs, sweet papers and general sofa-detritus! You never know what you may find!
Have a very Happy Friday!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Exercising Johns Pet!

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Yesterday my son in law, John, took his trusty chainsaw for some exercise in the churchyard. It screamed with delight as it sunk its teeth into a dead flowering cherry tree and positively screamed with pleasure as it cut up three dead elm trees. As the unskilled labourer I was in charge of loading the brushwood into the Loadall bucket for disposal…

John’s chainsaw yells with utter delight,
as out of a tree-trunk it takes a bite.
Dressed for protection John looks a pro,
being unqualified I decline a go.
Trees fall here and trees fall there,
expertly felled miss graves by a hair,
all too soon it’s time to go home,
leaving churchyard occupants in peace on their own.

If you’re thinking of exercising your chainsaw today, make sure it’s got sharp teeth!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Mountainous Echo!

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The last of the oats went yesterday and there are just two lorry-loads of beans left. It seems strange that it was only on Sunday that the barn echoed to singing and yet in just two days there is a bigger echo than Julie Andrews found from the mountain-top in the Sound of Music…

There’s a cavern-like echo,
in our storage barn,
The oats are all gone,
By lorry from the farm,
Apart from some sweepings,
I’ve kept for the geese,
their equivalent of a Pernod,
on the seafront in Nice!

Two lorry-loads of beans,
Are to go to Kings Lynn,
nothing in the grain store,
nothing left in a bin.
That’s it for harvest,
the last that I’ll do,
In future I’ll observe,
from a deckchair like you!

I will also be able to retire the sweeping brush and grain shovel, they seem to have been my constant companions just lately. I will hardly miss them!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Out-Barded in the Barn!

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Last Sunday the village church relocated to our barn for the Harvest Festival. About seventy people came to celebrate harvest, sing the old favorites and have lunch afterwards. It was a great way of remembering how lucky we are in our lives. However during the service I was unexpectedly called up to the front by one of the two vicars and given a poem to read. I’d been out-Barded in my own barn. So for my 1,600th blog posting I can include a ‘Guest Verse-monger!’My grain barn was laid out as a church
including hay bales on which to perch,
a heap of oats a pile made of bean,
a big-bale altar in between!
Then all of a sudden I was called,
had no idea – was not enthralled,
was handed a sheet for me to read,
on which was a verse – I didn’t dare plead!
So thanks to Nick Lyness (With no alarm!)
I was ‘out-barded’ in my own barn!

With many thanks to Fiona and Nick for taking such a truly memorable service. It’s not often that something that doesn’t involve dust a brush or a lorry happens in the barn!
I have reproduced Nick’s verse below for all to see, beneath that dog-collar he has hidden talents – Many thanks for writing such nice things about me!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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