The Old Van!

Posted on October 7, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some mornings, like this one, where I have no idea what is going to splurge out onto the laptop screen. I skip through my vast selection of photos and one sometimes leaps out from the screen with its hand in the air shouting, “Me! Me! Pick Me!” That is what has happened this morning, an old van that has seen better days (probably scrapped by now) parked outside the local bank (closed down in August). So here goes, lets see where it takes us…

“Please Mr Bank Manager,
can I have a loan?
I need a new van,
to call my very own.
The old girl is rusty,
so are her wheels,
she coughs in the mornings,
I know how she feels!
Oh that is a shame,
no loans for us claimants,
well at least my old van,
comes with no payments!”

My apologies for the poor quality of today’s verse, but I can at least plead insanity as it’s before 0500hrs and I’m off in the dark to open up the car boot sale! Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14^thOctober 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Friday Wine Glass!

Posted on October 6, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I went to the wholesalers in Watford this week. You never know just what you’ll see for sale and there is always at least one surprise item. On display this visit was the biggest wine glass I’ve ever seen. I guess it would have held somewhere in the region of five bottles of wine. However in this puritanical, liberal and do-gooder age we live in, there had to be a spoilsport sign: ‘For Decorative Purposes Only’, as if anyone would be so silly…

I collapsed in the chair on Friday eve,
what a bitch of a week you wouldn’t believe,
sweeping beans had left me knackered,
and what with the News, I was shattered.
Then I thought ‘I need some wine’
restorative elixir for Friday-eve time.
Fetched the ‘large glass’ tall and wide
and filled it from the tanker outside!

Have a great Friday, remember to drink responsibly.
The weekend is almost here – HURRAH!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Screaming Beans!

Posted on October 5, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The last of the beans have now been swept and conveyed (with the help of my trusty son-in-law, John), to the floor of the barn next door leaving the silos empty. Never a pleasant job sweeping anything from the bins but the beans add another dimension – noise! The hard-as-bullets seeds rattle and scream as they are swept towards the conveyor, so much so that if ear defenders aren’t worn, the next few hours are spent saying “pardon”…

“I beg your pardon,
what did you say?
I’ve been in a bin,
sweeping beans today!
What with the dust,
shovel and brush,
all I can hear,
is turned to mush!
We both wore masks,
Halloween is soon,
when I’ll be seen flying
away on my broom!”
Have a good day, stay safe and be careful with that hearing!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

A Harvest Bag of Beans!

Posted on October 4, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

This is a week of Harvest Festivals. On Monday I went to a service held by my Granddaughter’s school, it was an amazing modern service, not a hint of ploughing the fields and scattering. I remember going to a harvest festival at my daughter’s primary school many years ago when the vicar was late! During the pause, before he finally arrived carrying his shopping and wondering why everyone was assembled in his church, I re-wrote the words to a seasonal hymn! Somewhat changed here we go again…

We plough the fields and scatter,
with help from the EU,
soon we will be on our own,
that’s right – just me and you!
Herman, Jaques and Roberto,
will sneer at us and say:
“There’ll be no trade agreements,
why don’t you go away?
You’ll have to take our exports,
as for our markets all’s not as it seems,
any agreement we might have had,
ain’t worth a bag of beans!”

With apologies to all but it seems that farming will soon be on its own in a cold harsh climate with only the British Government to rely on for assistance (Ha Ha!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Sunrise!

Posted on September 30, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I was going to write a long diatribe about the wonderful sunrise last Saturday morning just as the car boot sale was opening. I was going to marvel at nature’s light-show and how the birdsong echoed around the field. Perhaps I might even have mentioned the rabbits and hares that were seen stretching as they arose from their slumber ready to face another wonderful day. However, I took one look at the photo I took and decided that words on this occasion were just superfluous and for once in my life I should shut up…

Enjoy the photo!

Have a great weekend with the ones you love and stay safe. BB.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Feeding The Farm Staff!

Posted on September 29, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

These last few days I’ve been busy loading oats. This is a tricky operation as the lorry has to be full to the brim in order to achieve a useful tonnage (oats weigh considerably less than wheat). When I have made three large heaps on the trailer, the driver drives forward as fast as he can before slamming on the brakes. This helps to level the load and fill up the odd corner before I load more! Unfortunately in these days of automatic sheets to cover the load, some spillage occurs. This is warmly greeted by certain members of the farm staff who have been waiting to pounce nearby…

You can tell I’ve been loading oats,
some have spilt in the yard,
the geese all honk “Thank-you,
it’s our payment for being on-guard!
We wander around at night,
we sometimes honk for danger,
then our silent attack,
and see off a lingering stranger!
Christmas is coming,
on oats we’re getting fat,
we’re too old and tough to eat,
thank heaven’s for that!”

If you are having trouble with strangers, get some geese (they don’t like it up ’em Captain Mainwaring!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14^thOctober 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Fancy a New Motor?

Posted on September 27, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

There is no topic of discussion that is guaranteed to show up differences amongst men more than, “If money was no object, what car would you buy?” The other day, I was a spectator at such a discussion, it was most illuminating (even though my input was dismissed as being rather tame and liberal…

We were discussing motors,
the way men sometimes do,
someone wanted a Jaguar,
painted Darkest Blue!
Someone wanted a four by four,
go mud-plugging across the land,
(Eat humble pie to a farmer:
‘I’m stuck can you lend a hand?’)
Another saw himself in a Lamborghini,
blonde girlfriend by his side,
his wife said if that happened,
“You’d not afford a taxi ride!”
I fancied a Tesla electric car,
a silent and comfortable ride,
different to my Mitzi,
(sounds like a tractor outside!)
Friend Mick wants a muscle-car
Wants to use words like: “Gawd Dang!”
to ride around the county lanes
In a brand new Ford Mustang!

Well? What would be your choice? Have a great day and drive with care.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until 14^thOctober
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Farmer’s Hoodie!

Posted on September 22, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening I spent a relaxed time sweeping oats in a bin so they could join the heap on the floor in the next-door barn. It is a crap job. The air-sweep floors (vents pointing towards the outlet of the bin that help empty the last 15 tons of grain) are now old, and with oats being so light, simply seem to hinder the job by blowing them up into the air so they drop down inside the shirt of the sweeper. Unless he is wearing a very un-farmer-like article of clothing…

The farmer is wearing a hoodie!
Well just fancy that!
He’s not hanging around a bus stop,
in a back2front farmer’s cap!
He’s too old for the ‘Yoof Club’,
it’s time that he retired,
he’s too old to be an apprentice,
“Farmer you are fired!”
He’s silly enough to be in a bin,
sweeping dusty oats,
the hoodie keeps all dust from his back,
avoids itchy undercoats!
Later this very morning,
three loads of oats will go,
waved off by the farmer in his hoodie
“He’s daft that farmer you know!”

If you’re sweeping today, I wish you as little dust as possible!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Come Fly With Me!

Posted on September 20, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

According to media reports, a low-cost airline has had to cancel flights because of a possible shortage of pilots. Some reports have suggested that staff have got behind with their holiday entitlement, others that pilots have left to go elsewhere. To put it bluntly, uncertainty reigns with many flights cancelled. Perhaps there could be a solution…

Flights have been cancelled,
passengers are very wild,
“They cancelled my flight to Magaluf,
for me, my partner and child!”
Others are still waiting,
for flights back from resorts,
some can’t afford hotel rooms,
according to reports.

I have a flying licence,
I’m willing to give it a try,
Ok, it’s for a drone,
but the theory’s the same to fly!
Perhaps in the future,
the pilot stays on the ground,
he could fly two or three,
more pilots to go round!

If you’re flying today I wish you Bon Voyage and hope your flight’s not cancelled.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Long and Winding Road!

Posted on September 19, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The road past the farm is long and straight. Unfortunately it soon becomes twisting and winding with no place to overtake safely for many miles. This is perfect for racing motorbikes on Wednesday nights and at weekends. In fact it is so perfect they call it a ‘must ride’ road and it sounds like a Moto GP. Drivers of cars take whatever opportunity they can to overtake, even if dangerous, as it could mean a minute saved…

Driving just two miles from the farm,
came over the hill with some alarm,
a silver car overtaking,
suddenly felt my knees shaking.
I awaited with dread a crashing sound,
I had managed with ease to slow right down,
The only sight that did linger,
as he sped past, he gave ME the finger!

If you’re driving today just remember there are some silly sods out there who haven’t time to live. Take care.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

The Old Van!

The Friday Wine Glass!

Screaming Beans!

A Harvest Bag of Beans!

Sunrise!

Feeding The Farm Staff!

Fancy a New Motor?

The Farmer’s Hoodie!

Come Fly With Me!

The Long and Winding Road!