Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

Buzz, Buzz, Buzz!

Posted on by
Share

The other afternoon son-in-law John and I went to cut up a fallen tree by the wood. On occasions such as this I am the labourer and John is the skilled operator. He has all his chainsaw qualifications (the arborists equivalent of a First Class Honours Degree from Oxbridge), and I have a deep-seated hatred of the buzzing machines (my four-year-old granddaughter delights in chasing me armed with her toy Stihl chainsaw!). Suddenly the saw went quiet and John rushed past me shouting: “Run!”  Fearing at least a zombie invasion or unearthed WW2 bomb, I ran as well…

Buzz buzz buzz!
Went the angry red chainsaw,
as it sliced its way,
through wood two feet or more!
“Buzz buzz buzz!”
Shout the wild angry bees,
“Run Run Run!”
Shouts John as he flees!

I stood there confused
What on earth should I do?
didn’t know what was happening
So I ran too!
Knowing nothing about bees,
Except they make honey and sting,
I couldn’t help but laugh,
I didn’t feel a thing!

It pays to pay attention when someone else is sawing timber! Be careful today and stay safe!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

Proliferation of Rainbows!

Posted on by
Share

For the last few days we seem to have had nothing but rain indispersed with sunny intervals. The only good by-product of days like these has been the proliferation of rainbows. In this modern tipsy-turvey world we must apportion blame, even for something like rain. I couldn’t find anyone to blame until I saw a friend’s new car…

I’m fed up with all this rain,
it’s as if April’s here again,
although that month was so dry,
September’s enough to make men cry!
I rounded the corner in the yard,
without a topic for the Baldock Bard,
when an amazing sight made me stop,
friend Val’s bought a white soft-top!
She won’t have the hood down I fear
until at least summer next year!
at last I’d found someone to blame,
it must be her fault all this rain!
In reality I’m just jealous as I’ve always wanted a soft-top since a friend bought a MGB Roadster back in the seventies! Go Val!
Have a great weekend and may the sun shine enough to let down that top!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

The Gardener’s Bonfire!

Posted on by
Share

The other day I changed out of my ‘farmer’s uniform’ of checked shirt, tweed jacket, wellies and cap into an old pair of corduroys, much-used baggy jersey, green anti-thorn gloves and a dirty old floppy hat. I had to change as I was about to do something that, as a farmer, is verboten. I was going to light a garden bonfire! As I was now officially ‘a gardener’ I had no need to await November 5th, or the festival of Eid, and had no need to apply for a derogation from a government department…

There is nothing that announces:
‘Autumn is almost here!’
than the smell of a garden bonfire,
around this time of year.
The cremation of dead tree branches,
too small for our sitting-room fire,
the sizzling of green holly leaves,
on the bottom-of-garden pyre.
As I stood staring into the flames,
I remembered things I’d seen,
how we used to set-light to stubble,
nature’s fire kept seedbed clean!

Have a good day and keep filling up the brown bins, you know it makes sense.
Please don’t complain about the smell it makes when they spread it on the land, you’re only getting your own back!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

Appropriate Conveniences!

Posted on by
Share

Many many years ago Mrs Bard and I went on a camping Holiday in a tent with another couple. I learnt a valuable piece of advice as every time we stopped at a French campsite the female half of this other couple would do a thorough inspection of the ‘facilities’ to check their cleanliness. If they weren’t up to her standards, onward we’d travel until we found suitability elsewhere. Unfortunately it has become one of my irritating habits and I now score (out of 10) wherever I go…

When you are busting,
you have to be trusting,
that facilities offered are clean.
But when you have time,
you need more than pit-lime,
and cleanliness like never seen!
The loos are a guide,
to what greets you inside,
will the hygene make you feel green?
So go out for a meal,
check the loos are the deal,
your visit will be fit for a Queen!!

The loos in today’s photo (10/10) are from a wonderful eatery now sadly closed. The Hole in the Wall, near Cambridge was an example to all! Have a good week and may your conveniences be up to standard!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

Forecourt Daze!

Posted on by
Share

How absent-minded can you be? Yesterday morning I went to fetch milk. As we have no milking cows on the farm, it meant a trip to Tesco petrol station. I parked my wife’s black Volvo away from the pumps and behind a Nissan 4×4.

“Good morning no fuel,
I’ve just a bottle of milk,
not tempted by donuts,
or anything of that ilk!”

“Thank you so much,
and have a very good day”
I walked back onto the forecourt
so I could drive away!

Almost run over,
by a big white van,
driver gave me the finger,
what a very irritating man!

Mrs Bard’s car is keyless,
keys stay in your pocket,
pull the door handle,
and you magically unlock-it.
The door wouldn’t open,
this was most bizarre,
was then that I realised,
it was someone else’s car!

I hung around and explained my stupidity to the lady owner who said it had made her day and that she couldn’t wait to tell her husband!
This morning’s verse is dedicated to the staff at the Tesco petrol station in Baldock who are the finest bunch you could ever meet.They make filling up a pleasure.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

My Heap of Stress Relief!

Posted on by
Share

What do you do when stressed? I tend to find a job I hate that requires some (but not too much) physical effort. For me, one of those jobs is sweeping out an oat bin in order to transfer the grain to the barn for loading. It is the perfect stress relief…

I have a large heap of oats
piling up in the shed,
“That’ll keep folk in porridge!”
somebody said!
and when things start
to stress me right out,
I go sweep a bin
(behind my dust mask I shout!).
Dust swirls in the bin,
I’m covered in chaff,
but when I get out,
once more I can laugh!

Wishing you a stress-free Friday, or if not you’re welcome to come sweep with me!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

The Farm Inspection!

Posted on by
Share

Once a year we have an inspection on the farm. The result of a pass is that we can call ourselves ‘Farm Assured’ and buyers can buy our crops with confidence knowing that at any stage of the process from gate to plate the origins can be traced. It also shows that we have followed the myriad of rules we have to obey. Gone are the days of Farmer Fred simply having to obey the weather, his wife and the bank manager…

I had a snap inspection yesterday,
even though all the wheat had gone away,
the inspector checked around the farm,
finding nothing amiss to raise an alarm.
Then it came to the paperwork that’s needed,
for every acre of farm that’s seeded.
For this Mrs Bard is firmly in charge,
as my filling skills wouldn’t satisfy the Sarge!
She has a folder she likes very much,
labelled “Farmer Giles – Don’t You Dare Touch!”
All the inspectors we’ve ever had have been firm but fair and we’ve always managed to pass (something I could never manage at school). So thanks to Matt, we’re once again Farm Assured.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

The Beer Guardian!

Posted on by
Share

We have a puppy that’s not a puppy anymore! Because of her size and deceiving angelic looks, people naturally think she’s a puppy and say “Aaaaaah! How cute!” This is unfortunately wrong on many levels as she excels in naughtiness. If she were to sit ‘A’ Level in Naughtiness she’d be assured an A* and a place at the university of her choice. This weekend she decided to guard a bottle of beer and challenge anyone to remove it…

Mati sits guarding a bottle of beer,
“It’s mine so go get your own!”
and then with a growl
and a contorted scowl,
enough to frighten St Joan!

Later we manage to wrestle it back,
from where she lies on her grassy knoll,
by underhand tricks
and ‘Best Doggie Mix’,
and the clatter of her supper bowl!

Bribery, corruption and a promise of food – a winning canine combination!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

Wheat Gone!

Posted on by
Share

Yesterday I rounded up the remaining wheat into a manageable heap, swept the floor and waited for the lorry to take it away. It’s always a gamble when you have a ‘clear-up load’ as to how much there is in the heap. This time I knew I was going to pay a penalty for a half-empty lorry. In the end it went away with a load of ten tons rather than it’s maximum of twenty-nine. All that was left was to get ready for the next crop to go…

The last of the wheat has left the farm,
leaving me with an empty barn,
Once the lorry has gone down the road,
it’s engine thankful it’s a third of a load,
I can relax once more there’s no more rush,
and sweep again with the purple barn brush!
Have a great weekend, we’ll see you on the other side!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

A Peaceful Picture!

Posted on by
Share

This morning I decided to have another half an hour in bed. Normally I dash out of bed, rush downstairs, do my diabetes blood test and get some hurried breakfast before getting on with my manic day. Suddenly I remembered a photo series I’d taken many years ago of our village, one of which showed a lone rambler walking down our main street. By some miracle I managed to find it and it still portrayed the sense of calm that I remembered…

A rambler walked through our village,
12th of May 2004,
I said a cheery ‘Good afternoon’,
as I’d not seen him before!
He just kept on walking,
perhaps he did not care,
perhaps he was in another time,
and to him I was not there!

I wish you all a peaceful and relaxed Friday

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share