Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

Small Room Reading!

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Every so often I get a polite sales call from Kate who works for an agricultural supply firm called Spaldings. Most times I thank her for the call and attempt to convince her that the catalogue is always by my side. The other day I was consulting the tome whilst doing other things and it got left behind. The catalogue was discovered later in the smallest room…

Many farmers read,
Whilst on ‘the throne’
farming magazines,
or those for the home!
A recent guest,
(agri-knowledge sparse!)
said he’d enjoyed,
my book of spare parts!

So Kate from Saplings,
just to show,
Your catalogue’s found,
Where others don’t go!

With best wishes to all at Spaldings and all other supply companies on this January morning.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Risk Assessment!

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Yesterday I had a visit from two members of staff from a local school to look at our woodland prior to visits from their school. It was a fine afternoon, the late January sun shone and the local deer put on a display of synchronised-running-away for us. When I returned to the office I updated my risk assessment from topics discussed on the walk. I’m a great believer in risk assessments as they do more to get you thinking about dangers than pure legislation. So with apologies to the writer of ‘Teddy Bear’s Picnic’…

If you go down to the woods today
You’re sure of a big surprise
For you will find lurking there
Risks you’ll not realise
Trip hazards abound
Where brambles are found
You find yourself flat on the ground
Another risk for your risk assessment!

Have a good Wednesday and stay safe out there!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Under Observation!

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I was sent to fetch a few items from our local supermarket. Alas this simple task with list is an almost impossible task as my ‘Oh look, there’s a squirrel’ mind is easily distracted. I was just contemplating a purchase for the next big event in April when I felt I was being watched…

My shopping list had three items,
cream, salt and some butter,
“this can’t possibly be just all,”
I was heard to mutter!
I reached an aisle full of chocolate,
‘Think Easter’ it seemed to say,
I felt I was under observation,
so guiltily I walked away!

I recently read that scientists have discovered that chocolate is better for you than traditionally thought. I now have a medical excuse to return!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The JCB Loadall’s Unique Job!

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Our farm’s JCB Loadall has been used for many operations. From loading grain, mending fences, hoisting people up to clean gutters to rescuing my drone from a tree and loading fertiliser and seed. Yesterday saw it on an unique mission…

From the Loadall:
“I never know what I’m going to do,
It leads to an interesting life,
most of the time I’m around the farm,
with Farmer Bard or his wife!
But sometimes I have an interesting job,
I’ve never done before,
yesterday I took a new altar to church,
(I was to large to get through the door!)
I carried it down to the church on my tines,
taking care to not let it fall
they then carried it through the church door,
a unique job for a yellow Loadall”.

Have any of your farm implements ever partaken in a unique mission? Maybe your Landrover is crying out for something new or your tractor yearns to turn new corners!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Shepherd’s Delight!

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Yesterday evening I watched with wonder as nature put on a wonderful light show. For some reason I thought of shepherds and their skills of forecasting weather. Sometimes it is simply impossible to improve on old sayings or verse by others, so this morning I shall repeat a verse by that famous poet, Anon:

Red sky at night,
shepherd’s delight,
Red sky in the morning,
shepherd’s warning,
Minced lamb and mashed potato,
shepherds pie!

Wishing all shepherds out there a very good morning, may your huts be cozy and your pie tasty! Thanks to Anon for the verse!

Baldock Bard

For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Marital Differences in the Bathroom!

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In every good marriage there are differences between parties. Some are tolerated and some drive the partner screaming from the room at warp speed ten! I am lucky that in the bathroom, Mrs Bard puts up with my strange behaviour…

I like to lie in a bath,
Mrs Bard hops into a shower,
she takes just minutes,
I can soak for an hour!
When I get out my aches are all gone,
My knees and elbows are great,
But my supper can be rather cold,
After a long time on the plate!

Whether shower or bath… enjoy!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Dental Pain!

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There are many things in life worse than toothache. However, for a man to lie awake in the middle of the night with groaning option removed for fear of awaking his beloved, things can seem pretty bleak…

I have toothache,
I lie awake,
can’t ring the dentist,
’till half past eight!

Go to the bathroom,
oil of cloves,
the pungent smell,
irritates my nose!

Take a pain-killer,
such a bore,
suddenly asleep,
toothache no more!

By the morning,
what tooth? What pain?
Chomp on some toast,
it’s back again!

I’m not bad tempered,
(or so I say!)
Just want this toothache,
to go away!

With best wishes to my long-suffering dentist, please be gentle!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Art of Saving Fingers!

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Yesterday afternoon I chopped some kindling for our log-burner with my hand-axe as I was too lazy to fetch the tractor and log-splitter from the shed. As I was wielding the hatchet, I remembered to hold the log with a small stick and remembered an old farmworker, who showed me many years ago how to save fingers…

There’s something quite therapeutic,
Chopping kindling with a small axe,
So long as you remember your fingers,
They don’t care for bladed attacks!

On a farm when I was not twenty,
If working near a wood with a gang,
First thing Old Frank would chop firewood,
“We need to keep warm if we can!”

He’d cut a small stick as ‘a holder’,
To safely hold the wood (always planned!),
Then down would crash the billhook,
And his fingers would remain on his hand!

Wednesday Safety Alert: Be careful out there if using an axe today.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Harvest Crisis Averted!

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Whilst researching on everyone’s favourite search engine for ‘When is Twelfth Night?’ I came across some useful facts. Most of these didn’t help in the decision to panic and eject the Christmas tree out of the back door, but one fact did possibly help shine a light on my poor wheat yields…

‘Take down all decorations by Twelfth Night,
or bad things will happen, won’t be right!
So we took down our decorations,
(some were made by Croatians!)
Dragged the tree out with some success,
more needles than the NHS!
and so it lies all forlorn,
before being deposited on the lawn.
This once-regal nordic tree,
now looks as sad as sad can be.
No lights, no tinsel or decorations await,
off for re-cycling near Baldock Gate!
Decorations packed away by midnight,
all in boxes out of sight,
‘If not by midnight’ spake the curse,
‘This years harvest will be your worst!’

Phew! Job done, harvest crisis averted!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Jump Start!

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There is a sound heard on some farms after the Christmas break that reminds the farmer that machines have lain idle over the Christmas/New Year break. I went out to the shed to get the Loadall to sweep up some oats and it made that infuriating sound. I think it is cross at the inaction over the holidays…

“Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra, Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra
I’m not going to start,
you can give me all the heat you like,
It’s your fault we’ve been apart!
You’ve stuffed yourself with turkey,
trifle and the odd minced tart,
while I’m abandoned in the shed,
you’d better fetch the powered jump start!”

This is dedicated to all those who are having trouble getting back to normal after the holidays (just like me!)
N.B. It wasn’t the JCB Loadall’s fault it wouldn’t start – someone had left the ignition switched on and I’m looking around to share the blame but am standing alone!!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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