The Return of Ding!

Posted on July 29, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

In our ancient local church we have two bells, one dating from the 14th Century, the other is two centuries younger. Some people affectionally call them Ding and Dong. For some months Ding has been absent and the only peal has been a funereal ‘Dong, Dong, Dong…’ Today there is a wedding in the church, urgent remedial works had to be undertaken…

Wearing my trusty boiler-suit,
not normal seen in church,
I positioned my tallest ladder,
breakage in bell-rope to search!
I carefully climbed each rung,
a bucket in one hand,
with every conceivable tool,
for a tower-repair unplanned.
Through the trapdoor I squeezed,
standing on ancient floor,
on the walls was scratched,
the names that had entered before!
I started up my i-Pad,
Googled ‘joining of a rope’
ended up with a giant knot,
skill-wise I’m beyond all hope!

…but at least it will mean that Ding and Dong will ring out today at the wedding!
With best wishes and many years of happiness to the bride and groom.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Drone that Survived a Sinking!

Posted on July 28, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Two days ago, I told of how my drone landed in the water at the St Neots Regatta (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=8581). Following hours of being sealed in a vacuum bag with rice, it spent two days on the Aga. My hopes of it flying again weren’t great, I don’t have that sort of luck this year…

In May it was me, who took a fall into the river,
new i-Phone wallet and glasses, insurance deliver!
There followed a call to Alison my agent,
spilt coffee on my laptop, (Boy! was she patient!).
The prospect of another call, caused me to shiver:
“Erm, I seem to have landed, my drone in the river!”

Into a vacuum bag, half full of rice,
I avoided adding carrots (would have been nice!)
Onto the Aga just for two days,
If it flies again, it will amaze.
I took it outside, without all its props,
preparing to fail (I’m used to such flops).
But what is this? the motors are turning,
It’s back in the room, it is returning!
I attach the propellors, it soars in the sky,
I let out a yell, don’t need to know why,
So if you see Alison, and she wears a smile,
she hasn’t heard from me, in quite a while!

Thanks to all those UAV operators who have posted their ‘drowning drone’ stories online thus giving me the courage to attempt a ‘dry-out’. Strangely I could find no success stories, but thanks anyway!
Thanks to Alison at the NFU Mutual who covers my back when things go wrong …and thanks to Max, my advertising executive from Wroxham, who designed a new flyer…

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Goodbye Bunce The Cat

Posted on July 27, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Pet owners worldwide know the grief that comes with losing a pet. My daughter’s family have just lost Bunce, a cat they rescued in the snow several years ago (hence the name, Bunce, the make of snow plough, on which he was rescued). He was a most unusual cat, who had used up more than his fair-share of lives…

In the deep mid-winter,
quite some years ago,
My daughter and my son-in-law,
rescued a white cat in the snow.
They took him home on the snow-plough,
Injured, cold, afraid,
and very soon the cat called Bunce,
a new home he had made!
In many ways like a dog,
he followed you around,
I’d see him doing ‘his workings’,
keeping all farm rodents down!
So here’s ‘Goodbye’ to Bunce the Cat,
thank you for your love,
if from clouds we hear loud purrings,
we’ll know you’re up above!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Gathering!

Posted on July 19, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Take a piece of machinery out in public, lift the bonnet, and a gathering of mainly old men will probably occur! The other day I visited a museum where they had a vintage bus. A slight misfire of the engine led to a crowd of men gathered to view the problem, a gathering had been instigated…

The vintage bus ground to a halt,
The driver scratched his head,
all of a sudden a crowd appeared,
not mechanics but experts instead!

“I remember just after the war,”
Bert Briggins told the crew,
“I had the very self same thing,
on the A500 just outside Crewe!”

Johnny Junkins quickly piped up,
“don’t you meant the A525?,
I had an aunt who lived next to that road,
alas she’s no longer alive!”

“I think it could be a con-rod,”
Sam Smith interjected with glee,
“or perhaps just a noisy tappet,
some oil would set the thing free!”

The driver switched off the engine,
and took a look up at the sky,
“I think I’ll make a decision,
mine’s a pint, who’s going to buy?”

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Beauty and Joy Amongst the Rubble.

Posted on July 18, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

I wonder if any of you remember an old black and white photo from years ago of a proud father walking a bride down a rubble-strewn street?
Last Saturday, for the first time in 1,300 posts, I found myself unable to write this blog. It had been one of the worst weeks for news that I had known in my 60 years, culminating in the heartbreaking scenes from Nice, disturbing actions in Turkey and locally, an arrest of a partner for the murder of an author in Royston.
My problem, at 4.30am on Saturday morning, was how to write anything that wasn’t trite or irrelevant. So I wrote nothing and went off down to the car boot sale I run, on a dull, cloudy and unpromising morning.
After a couple of hours, the sun began to poke through the clouds and the world started to look a little better. After a quick chat with customers, much based on the events of the week, I handed over to my son-in-law in order to go home to get ready to go to a wedding.
On the journey, the sun grew brighter and despite the stop start traffic on the M25 motorway, spirits rose.
The sight of friend Wayne, walking his beautiful daughter, Lisa, down the aisle finally banished all clouds from the sky, all troubles were forgotten and happiness prevailed.
Lisa and Matt’s infectious joy and love flooded the wedding, one of the happiest I’ve had the privilege to be invited to. The sun shone, everyone smiled and the sound of laughter filled the air on a truly wonderful Saturday afternoon.

So as I sit here on a beautifully sunny Monday morning, I have to thank Lisa and Matt and their families and friends, for reminding us all that life continues and that there can always be found beauty, joy and hope amongst the rubble of our world.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

I’m Not An Engineer!

Posted on July 15, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

It looked like a simple job. A warning light on the tractor dashboard glowed red along with a buzzer that guaranteed shrilling tinnitus for the next few hours. Unfortunately I hadn’t realised that in the factory, on a clean and brand new tractor, the engineers had an easier and quicker job to install a simple flexible pipe, that on a three-year-old machine that’s dirty, oily and covered up by other parts …

I went to my tractor dealer,
the pipe lay on the counter,
in a clean and pristine condition,
an excellent encounter!
On the journey home,
thought “A speedy job I’ll make,
have it on in half an hour,
in fact ‘a piece of cake!'”
Drove the tractor from the shed,
climbed up upon the rear,
couldn’t see either end,
“not an easy job I fear.”
One hour later I’m fed up,
I view my bloodied hand,
I dropped a vital nut on the floor,
things hadn’t gone as planned!
I need a multi-bending arm,
a finger with a light,
a spanner sewn on my thumb,
a third eye on the right!
I finally finished the ‘piece of cake’
two hours “I need a beer!”
I won’t bother with it again,
I’ll call an engineer!

Note to myself:
Tattoo on arm ‘Don’t Be an idiot – call the boys at Oliver Landpower Luton For JCB Repairs!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Pushchair Dog!

Posted on July 14, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

I have only seen a dog being pushed around in a pushchair twice. Both times have been at the car boot sale I organise every Saturday, the first time many years ago, the second a more recent occurrence! Whether this has something to do with the sales, the weather or something in the local water, I have no idea. Looking through some old boot sale photos I came across an example of this unique way of boot sale dog walking…

A woman customer that I know,
Had a dog that old did grow!
Off his feet, off his walks,
Barked so loudly when anyone talks.
She always found it quite a hoot,
To take dog in pram to the car boot.
Other dogs begged their owners,
to become dog-pushchair donors!
But most doggy-types refused,
saying simply, “We’re not amused!”

Have a great day and enjoy taking your dog for a walk!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Window Moth!

Posted on July 13, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

We are so lucky that there are so many wonderful species on this rock that floats in space! Yesterday I realised how ignorant I am when a moth flew into the house from the garden and I had no idea what it was called. This morning when I put in ‘Moth Identifier’ to Google, it was at the top of the first page…

A moth flew into the kitchen,
yesterday morning,
Granddaughter raised a shout,
a rather noisy warning!
I grabbed my i-Phone quick,
as it flew towards the window,
searching on the screen,
as if playing Nintendo!
Finally it flew and landed,
on the kitchen table,
convenient for this rhyme,
as it’s called an Argent Sable!

To some it’s known as Rheumaptera hastata, but it’s too early in the morning to find something that rhymes with ‘hastata’ and I’ve only had a single coffee!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

What When and How!

Posted on July 12, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Today we have our annual inspection. Passing this examination leads to stickers which are attached to a passport which accompanies every load of grain and pulses that leaves the farm. This assures the end user that we have taken all legislative and ‘best-practice’ steps to safeguard the quality and provenance of that crop, from planting to harvest and every operation in-between. Such an undertaking requires gold-star record-keeping of every operation…

What, When and How,
important words today,
we have our annual inspection,
fail it and we’ll pay.
It’s all about traceability,
to show you’re not a fraud,
alas it doesn’t apply,
to foodstuffs from abroad!

Mrs Bard has been busy,
with my paper-work,
it’s now all in one file,
(I drive her quite beserk!)
They’ll inspect all my records,
the barns and chemical store,
and thanks to Mrs Bard’s patience,
it’ll be alright I’m sure!

Whatever you are doing today may it be successful and may you too get stickers!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Perfect Plant Carrier!

Posted on July 9, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

I always like to see people leaving our Saturday car boot sale having had a successful morning. People often ask me: “What sells?” I have to answer truthfully: “Anything that somebody else wants!”. Last week I saw a couple leaving having had a successful buy…

Bob and Jill went looking for plants,
(they’re just back from holiday in France!)
Went along to the Baldock Boot Sale,
hoping that their search wouldn’t fail!
“I like these ones!” said an excited Jill,
“but our small car will overfill”,
“Don’t worry!” said Bob (sounding all aloof!),
“You forget we have a folding roof!”

Have a great weekend filled with laughter, sunshine and friends!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

The Return of Ding!

The Drone that Survived a Sinking!

Goodbye Bunce The Cat

The Gathering!

Beauty and Joy Amongst the Rubble.

I’m Not An Engineer!

The Pushchair Dog!

The Window Moth!

What When and How!

The Perfect Plant Carrier!