Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

Heavy August Rain!

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Yesterday it rained! I’m not talking about a girlie titter after half a glass of sweet sherry but a full-on drunken oaf who can hardly stand on the way home after a night of non-stop ale drinking. This was something that we hadn’t seen for months and months. However I did manage to stop myself running naked through the stair-rods in celebration, instead I stayed indoors and ploughed through paperwork…

It’s raining elephants and hippos.
falling from the sky,
the brown scorched grass welcomes it,
as it’s parched and brown and dry.
The threat of wild fires lessens,
pressure on unharvested crops mounts,
and all I can do to celebrate,
is stay inside and do accounts!
Enjoy your day, looking good for the weekend!
Stay happy and safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 27th October 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Sending in ‘The Heavies’!

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Very occasionally we have a tenant in our light industrial workshops who expects continued occupation whilst withholding rent. If there is no communication or attempt to pay I have to take action. This happened for the first time in many years recently and so I was forced to send in ‘The Heavies’ otherwise known as Sumo…

“I can’t seem to enter my unit,
there’s something in the way,
I don’t seem to be able to shift it,
It weighs much more than hay!”

“There is a simple answer,
it involves a pound or two,
then my JCB will shift it,
hand the unit back to you.
‘Oh dear!’ you’ve mislaid your cheque book,
you’re waiting for others to pay,
your customers car is inside,
he can wait another day!”

“What? You’ve found some money?”
I say with thinly veiled shock!
“Your customer’s on his way,
I’ll remove the concrete block!”

Have a good day and may those who owe you money race to pay their dues!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The 10k Fun Run

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I have never understood the connection between the words ‘Fun’ and ‘Run’. For me running inevitably involved an escaped pig when I was younger or errant drone when of more advanced years. Yesterday I watched the start of two Fun Runs and if I’d have been a million years younger, might even have been tempted by the 10km myself…

Watching all ages,
On a gruelling run,
Torture themselves,
Under a burning sun.

From five to fifty,
families having fun,
I can now see why it’s called,
‘The 10k Fun Run!’

If I did enter,
I think you’d find,
I’d end up finishing,
Three and a half miles behind!

Have a great day and enjoy the sunny weather, if you’re running don’t overdo it!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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The One-Cat Protest!

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Whenever my daughter and her family pack their motorhome for a few days break, their cat, Min, stages a one-cat-protest. It’s as if she’s been listening in to their conversations and is determined to disrupt their get away or even stowaway…

“They are going to climb into that tin house with wheels,
and leave me behind they don’t know how it feels,
I have used many novel ways in the past,
this one might be effective at last!
I shall sit upon the step by the door,
trip them up so they drop their clothes on the floor,
then when they think I’m back in the house,
I’m in the camper van as quiet as a mouse.”

“…But then I purr, I might as well wail
and I’m out on my ear – yet another fail!”

Have a great weekend and if you’re travelling check for feline stowaways!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


 

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Farmer With Altitude!

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My neighbour John harvesting next to the A505 at Baldock

I’m going to hit the next person who asks if I’m enjoying retirement. That is unless they are taller than me, are wearing glasses, are female, were born with an ‘r’, ‘a’ or ‘u’ in the month, have over size 4 shoes, work on a farm or play rugby (other terms and conditions may apply at any time!) I admit I am difficult to live with at the moment as not doing harvest for the first time for 44 years is frustrating. However I now spend my time chasing combines with my drone instead…

Local farmers now complain,
Not about dust or even rain!
They all say “you’re retired now,
No more combine no more plough!
I suppose you want to fly your drone,
And watch us getting our harvest home?”
I say , “I really don’t mind if I do!”
Although if truth be told that’s not true.
But I’m a ‘Farmer With Altitude’ now,
With no harvest, no cultivation’s, not even a cow!
If you’re enjoying retirement I’m very pleased for you, just keep those furry slippers away from me!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Bookworm!

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Recently a thread posted by author Terry Tyler on Twitter asked: “What makes you a bookworm?” I answered, “… when you can assemble Billy bookcases by Ikea without looking at the instructions or having to search for that rather strange ‘Allen-type’ key because the kitchen drawer is full of the little critters.” However despite my rather facetious answer it made me consider my reading habit…

What would we do without ‘BILLY’?
What would we do without books?
They take less space on a Kindle,
function doesn’t always replace good looks!

For a change I picked up a paperback,
it was strange to go analogue,
couldn’t locate the page-turning button,
and no backlight was like reading in fog!

It’s so easy to buy on the internet,
download and whoosh it is here!
But it’s not the same as a bookshop,
heaven help us if they disappear.

Enjoy a good read today or better still support your local bookshop and buy a book!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


http://www.countrytrust.org.uk

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Autumn in July!

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I must have been walking around with blinkers on for the last few weeks as suddenly the pavements and sides of the roads seem to be covered in leaves. Autumn has come early and with it a problem for both councils and motorists…

It’s autumn in July,
it made me wonder why,
so many leaves were lying on the ground?
It’s as if the trees,
had performed a striptease,
because the relentless heat had finally ground them down.

Both the sides of the road,
leaves gathered like it snowed,
even yellow-lines are partially obscured.
Will you get a parking fine,
by stopping on the hidden line,
a leafy prosecution might well be secured!

Stay safe out there and take care where you park!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Choosing A Card!

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The other day I was looking through a selection of cards in a supermarket when I sensed the frustration of a fellow-shopper. She was having difficulty in finding a suitable card for a friend who was unwell…

“I’m looking for a card for a friend,
who fell off a ladder,
I want to cheer him up,
not make him any sadder!”

“He doesn’t need reminding,
of his self-inflicted disaster,
nor does he need others,
to poke fun at his plaster!”

“All I can find,
(leaving out reference to drink)
are cards offering ‘With Sympathy!’
Helpful? I don’t think!” 

…I’m afraid I wished her luck and left her to her deliberations.

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Damned If I Do…!

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Have you ever been wrong on many counts? I was the other day and it was not long before a stranger told me so! It was a very hot day and I had gone shopping with Mrs Bard. We parked in a supermarket car park so devoid of shade it might as well have been an Arabian desert! As we had the dogs in the car I elected to stay with them. Having recently watched a video of a vet, dressed in scrubs, showing how hot dogs can become in a car, I left the engine and air-conditioning running. Big mistake…

A knock on the window heralded her arrival,
Attilla the Hen had a new rival!
“What are you doing with your engine running?”
Her vitriolic attack was momentarily stunning,
“It’s people like you cause Global Warming,
I’ll report you for that!” a timely warning!
When I said I had two dogs in the back,
she started to splutter as if having an attack,
“People like you should be allowed to keep pets,
They should have warnings about you in the vets!”
With that she stormed off quite absurd,
and fell not so gracefully over the kerb!
So I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t,
will I take any notice? I’m damned if I won’t!

Have a great day, enjoy the heatwave and remember hot dogs die in hot cars. Stay cool, healthy, happy and safe

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Very Special Delivery!

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Saturday was a truly golden day for our JCB Fastrac tractor, she was delivering a very precious cargo to a venue between Hitchin and Letchworth. Paul, (the father of bride Emma) looked after our pigs until the mid-eighties and he, Jen his wife, Andrew, Mandy, Mark and Emma lived in a cottage down the road. Emma is an A&E nurse and was an absolutely gem when my mother died. Like so many in our wonderful NHS, she was so caring and made all the difference at a very difficult time. Wild horses wouldn’t have denied me the honour of driving her to her wedding…

Emma got married Saturday morning,
Oh Wow! The sun is gonna shine!
A deciding factor,
She’s going on the tractor!
Gotta get her to the venue on time!
…with many apologies to lyricist Alan Jay Lerner who wrote ‘I’m getting married in the morning’ from the show My Fair Lady.
…and many thanks to Emma and hubby Paul for letting me be a small part of their big day. Remembering with fondness Emma’s sister Mandy, who I’m sure was looking down on her family with pride and love.

Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

 

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