Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

The Dangers of a Frost!

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CultivatingDo you ever have one of those days when you realise after a while you should have stayed in bed? This morning I should have done just that. Instead, even though my morning had been shot down in flames, I continued wading through the mire…

I opened the curtains,
the lawn was white with frost,
I put on my warm coat
Out to the yard to go deep cultivating.

I started the tractor,
Frost obscured any view,
Back to the house for de-icer
Windows now clear
Steamed up inside
Find rag and clear steam
Drive up yard
Anti-theft cultivator blocks track
Back to house for keys to barn
Forklift refuses to start
Find jump leads
Remove grain bucket from loader
Fit forklift tines
Move obstructing cultivator
Notice wearing point has fallen off deep cultivator
Fetch hammer
Lie under cultivator to re-attach point
Hit hand with hammer
Swear
Hit head on steel cultivator beam
Swear again
Drive to field with sore head and hand
Frost almost gone
Do four lengths of field
Block discs on cultivator
Unblock by hand
Return to farm
Lock tractor in shed!

It’s when you hit hand and head,
just be sensible and return to bed!

Have a great day and be careful out there!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Clean Sweep!

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SweepingMy old boss used to say, “You can always find something to do on a farm, even if it’s sweeping the yard!” I seem to have driven a brush far more during recent weeks than a tractor. I have swept the barn so many times that I shall soon have to be like Trig in ‘Only Fools and Horses’ and require a new broom…

The great thing about sweeping,
it lets your clogged mind wander,
as time stretches before you,
not something you can squander!

You sweep, sweep, sweep,
with rythmatic ease,
your mind is far away,
in Malta or Belize!

Suddenly you’re finished,
it catches you with surprise.
only then you understand,
dust can clog your eyes!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Engagement Parties and Terriers!

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Mali backLast night Mrs Bard and I went out to an engagement party in the next village. It was great fun and despite not expecting to be out long, time flew and before we knew it, it was way past my bedtime! This morning my dog is still annoyed that we were so late…

My dog has turned her back on me,
she’s not happy as you can see!
We stayed out until late last night,
she declared “it’s not right!”
Turned her back and with a titter,
“could have hired a baby-sitter!”
Now this morning things are better,
she’s by the Aga lying on my sweater!

Best wishes to Cherry and Matt for a wonderful future together. Make the most of your time as two, as one day you may find yourselves with a demanding dog!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Troublesome Crop (part 2)!

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Last linseedThose of you who make repeat visits to this humble blog may remember the story about the Troublesome Crop on Jan 28th (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=7861) and how I was left with just seven tons on the farm. Today it is leaving the farm and we’ll be linseed-less at last…

Later on this morning,
the final linseed goes,
and hopefully with luck,
an end to my linseed woes!

Last week the bulk of the crop,
onto lorry was selected,
only at destination,
the bloody stuff rejected!*

Yesterday the seven tons,
in an attempt to stop a failer,
back through the grainstore system,
and returned to the trailer!

So I have my fingers crossed,
(don’t wish for more alarm),
never want to see the crop again,
once it’s left this farm!

*Having been rejected at destination, Fengrain (the co-operative I sell my produce through) arranged for the load to be taken elsewhere to be corrected. This obviously carries a penalty both for extra transport costs and treatment, no NHS here! All should be well after a long saga! However it did look pretty in the field last summer!
Linseed1© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Troublesome Crop!

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Troublesome CropAs farmers we are no longer allowed just to grow what crops we like. By law, we have to grow at least three different crops, along with a myriad of other rules dreamed up by desk-bound bureaucrats. For last harvest I chose: wheat, field beans and linseed. I wish I’d never chosen the latter it was trouble all the way…

Linseed can be a troublesome crop,
it’s a little scamp,
this diminutive seed causes grief indeed,
particularly when it’s damp!

We gave it a wonderful seedbed,
nurtured it like a son,
gave it fert in quality dirt,
harvest was a difficult one!

We moved it around the store,
gave it lots of air,
it wouldn’t dry though hard we try
always had ‘wet hair!’

Yesterday we’d had enough,
Ian brought his lorry around,
from the bin we swept it in,
now it’s Newark-bound…

…apart from 7 tons that wouldn’t fit on the lorry, UGH!

With thanks to all who helped tire out this troublesome crop; from Carl who planted it, David who kept an eye on it, James who nurtured and combined it, John and Russell who battered it, Charles who sold it, Tommy who swept it, Amy who homed it, Mick who scheduled it and Ian who finally drove it off the farm!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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The Seasonal Visitor!

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SnowmanYesterday the winter temperature reached 14 degrees Centigrade and took with it the last remains of a seasonal visitor. He arrived on the 17th and left 8 days later along with his dog (who I never saw!). He is not likely to be back anytime soon as forecasted temperatures for the next fortnight seem unusually warm. So it’s fond adieu and bon vacances to Monsieur Bonhomme de Neige…

A man stood in the garden,
tweed cap upon his head,
eyes as dark as coal,
didn’t show a leg!

He stood there on the lawn,
watching our lives with glee,
his little friend who made him,
was as happy as could be.

But then came the time,
he had to go away,
slowly he just melted,
until he’d gone today!

None of us last forever,
and when it’s time to go,
I hope that I just melt away,
Like our visitor made of snow!

With appreciation to all the ‘adults’ who reverted to childhood in the past week, what fun it was to see so many varieties of snowmen in gardens around!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Bard’s Biggest Fan!

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Big FanWhen I started this blog site in February 2012, I thought that no more than a handful of people would read my outpourings. The idea that anyone from outside my county or country would do more than arrive by accident and quickly depart, was well beyond my hopes. Unbelievably my outpourings are read in over 67 countries from Algeria to Vietnam and Tasmania to Belgium…

My biggest fan sits in the shed,
blowing cold air through the bin-column head!
When it starts, nearby lights dim,
as it accelerates in speed with a howling loud din!
the purpose of this is to dry the grain,
taking my energy bills through barriers of pain!

Now readers who live down by the equator,
will start to wonder sooner or later,
whether I have been taken insane,
or if it’s to do with the cold and the rain.
I’d like to ensure wherever you are,
I’m simply a farmer whose ‘life-door’ is ajar!

Best wishes to you and all my readers. Thank you for reading the outpourings of a simple son of the soil!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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An Old Dogs Tail

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ChipWe share the house with an old dog who is increasingly confused. If he gets up before breakfast I offer him milk, this has to be done in such a way as not to scare him as we all know how scary milk poured into a bowl can be! However he lives a charmed life; going from bed (with duvet), to Aga (with cushion), to fireplace (with sofa), sometimes he even ventures outside. He also enjoys new experiences every day…

Our poor old dog is so confused,
He doesn’t know what to do,
He walks into the sitting room,
And says, “Just who are you?”

When he comes in from outside,
He says “it’s warm in here!”
I’d rather like some supper,
might like a glass of beer!”

Late at night he wonders,
‘Where’s the daylight gone?
Is it time for breakfast?
Did I miss the gong?’

We know he’s blind in one eye,
It’s widely understood,
That like the Co-op advert,
He’s still: ‘Gud with Fud!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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No Frost Today!

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FrostworkYesterday morning I managed to cultivate for five hours taking advantage of a hard frost. This morning, hoping that the conditions would be repeated, I found myself waking and checking the outside thermometer at regular intervals through the night. Alas cloud cover meant interrupted sleep…

I needed a frost this morning,
Just a minus 1 would do,
the tractor lay waiting in the shed,
prepared, cultivate, to do!
Alas the weather had other ideas,
sending cloud to cover clear sky,
leaving this expectant farmer,
to look up to the clouds and curse ‘WHY?’
But there was one consolation,
back to a warm bed I went,
and snore like an old humpy camel,
the extra sleep heaven sent!

…there’s always tomorrow morning (repeat stages 1-16)!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
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Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Defeating the Howler!

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FurnaceLast night the wind howled around the farm from the North West. It was a lazy wind that came into the farmhouse under the back door and found its way out through the thousands of breaches to be found in an old building such as this. Our last line of defence proved to be a godsend…

Raid the log pile,
Get kindling in,
Light the wood burner,
Break out the sloe gin!
After ten minutes,
remove the thick coat,
After half an hour,
Off with the waistcoat!
Another hour goes by,
Thick jersey is off,
Next is the vest,
some may well scoff!
By this time,
Sitting room a hot pleaser,
The rest of the house,
colder than in the freezer!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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