Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

Milk, our daily miracle!

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MilkThese days we take so much for granted. In the main we care little where or how something was made or grown. Many years ago I worked on a dairy farm, I am embarrassed to say that I give very little appreciation to milk (normally only when the bottle is empty!). So this is for the dairy farmers from a simple ‘Arable Boy!’…

Milk is our daily miracle,
most of us agree,
we have it on our cornflakes,
We have it in our tea!

When I was a student,
one cow hated me,
she always was bad tempered,
her name was Marlene Three!
She’d always make a strike,
with her sh*ty tail,
then cover me with warm stuff,
her aim would never fail!

Here on our doorstep,
no milkman does arrive,
I get it from a shop,
not the parlour at half past five!

Many thanks to all those who are up way before the dawn to make sure my coffee and cereal is just the way I like it. And ‘Yes!’ I still miss Marlene Three!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk




The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Farm Breakdown!

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SocketsThere are few things more soul-destroying than when machines go wrong. They never seem to breakdown in the shed when they are resting, but always when you are up against it! Last night while moving linseed in the grain store things went wrong…

Break out the sockets,
hammer as well,
the grain’s stopped moving,
why? I can’t tell.
Down into the pit,
where grain has spilt,
the funnel’d part,
has quite a tilt.
Give it three clouts,
(and one for luck!)
t’was all my fault,
‘what a Schmuck!’

One of these days I might learn not to overload the system. Many years ago my old boss used to say: “Patience and perseverance can piddle a hole in a stone!” Should have listened to him.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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It’s Monday!

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Hungry DucksThis morning is one of those typical mouldy winter days. Mild temperatures, raining hard and soft squidgy grass and fields. However cold weather is forecast so maybe winter is on its way…

It’s Monday,
it’s dull,
it’s raining,
in Hull?

But into every life,
a little rain must fall,
the ducks are at the trough,
look like a rugby maul.

In the next few days,
colder temperatures here,
for their breakfast,
the ducks will appear!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Struggles of a Town Decoration!

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Town LightsFrom today, the day after 12th Night, the Christmas Lights decorating Baldock will no longer shine. Very soon men with ladders will remove them from the buildings and the seasonal colours will disappear until next December…

Illuminated Santa will be removed from his perch,
on the side of the former Town Hall.
Children of all ages and stages,
will miss his luminary enthral.
He’s off to a warm hibernation,
in the back of a dry garden shed,
He’s miss any snow and fierce weather,
and return next winter ever-red!
But some decorations will not make it,
Forced to retire by something new,
And those that are chosen to re-hang,
will utter one word – simply ‘Phew!’

Grateful thanks to the Rotary Club of Baldock who give of their time and donations to ensure that Baldock sparkles every Christmas.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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The New Year Tradition!

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Tone's CoatThere is one part of New Year that is a traditional as fireworks and ‘Auld Lang Syne!’ When guests have finally wended their way back to whence they came, the trawl nets are put out to see what has been left behind! The one benefit of this practice is that it shows they will probably return and their rushed departure was unlikely to have been the result of anything you said. This years prize goes to Tony from North of Birmingham…

“I left my hat in Arfordshire,
Along with my old coat,
I hope that they take care of them,
Don’t feed them to a goat!”

“Cos if they mislaid my dear old coat,
It could get quite smelly,
Oh good grief I just realised,
They’ve also got my welly!”

We looked around our outhouse,
To see what we could see,
The coat’s in better condition,
Than the one that belongs to me!

The hat I will admit,
Has seen better days,
But it’s in a Staffordshire tweed,
Not equipped for Southern rays!

So we’ll put it out for the Postie,
That should be a breeze,
Cos if Old Tone hasn’t got his coat,
The poor old Bugger’ll freeze!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk




 

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New Year Predictions!

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Old YearHere we are standing at the gate that leads to a new year. Just about every media outlet is crammed with predictions: political, social and environmental. As none of them can possibly know with any degree of certainty, I wish they’d just zip it and let it happen…

So many people,
are prone to write,
next year forecasts,
seldom right.

So I thought,
(don’t wish to sneer),
I’d simply wish you,
Happy New Year!

Have a very Happy New Year and stay safe.
Baldock Bard (1,171 posts and still going!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Daffodils in December!

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December DaffsYesterday Mrs Bard and I went to see my elderly father. He had been busy, preparing smoked salmon, fresh fruit salad and mince pies. However, just before our arrival, he’d been to a sheltered part of his garden and picked some flowering daffodils! This is a time for panic, run for the hills…

There are Daffs in December,
we need an answer NOW!
We’re all much more intelligent,
must be a ‘What?’ or ‘How?’

Set up an enquiry!
Consultants by the score!
Lease an expensive building,
and then employ some more!

The enquiry takes two years,
millions it has cost,
any agreed outcomes,
unfortunately lost!

Before we all panic,
we should perhaps remember,
a mild and wet winter,
may bring Daffodils in December!

There is an upside! my late-drilled wheat looks like it will feed even more mouths thanks to the mild weather.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Annual Guestimation Day!

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Baldock wheatEach year, just after Christmas, I have to dust off my crystal ball, clean my rose-tinted spectacles and unleash my forecast pencil! By New Year’s Eve I will have had to prepare a forecast of what wheat tonnage I will have to sell (after harvest in approx 8 months time!) to send to my wheat trader, Charles…

I put the drone up over the fields,
I asked her to forecast exactly the yields,
she flew around the crops unseen,
“They all look like grass, so very green!”
I asked my computer to calculate,
the wheat I’d have if harvest was late.
The cursor blinked, no numbers told,
I’d inputted no data of how much to be sold!

So I resorted to methods used down the ages,
previous yields put down on pages.
These I averaged using basic sums,
on my eight fingers and two thumbs!
Now I’ve a figure to call my own,
sent it in? I used the phone!
Modern methods play their part?
Nah! Just the guesses of a silly old fart!

The old men in the graveyard, are looking down on me,
“We didn’t have drone or computer – knew our fields yer see!”
Computer ScreenWith thanks to Charles Laughlin and all at Fengrain for their support during these difficult times in farming. It is always useful to have a strong ally working on your behalf. www.fengrain.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

 

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Olympic Christmas!

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IMG_2402At the closing ceremony of each Olympic Games, the head of the IOC traditionally says: “These were the most successful games” (or similar). After Christmas many lucky families will be considering the same statement, ignorant of those whose holiday has been marred in some way. The Bards have been incredibly lucky to have had a ‘most successful Christmas’…

When our Christmas guests appear,
no ‘Good Grief! They are here!’
No panicked thoughts, ‘Is the bird defrosted?’
mildest weather, the ground’s not frosted.
No missing ingredients (once shops have closed),
What was absent? Nobody knows!
An amateur chef made a stunning trifle,
had three helpings, until-I-full.
Sylvanian creatures on the floor,
knelt on one, now knee is sore.
There were those who slept and those who snored,
and those whose limit of port ignored!
“The dining room smells like a park?”
(a certain terrier had left its mark!)
We were so absorbed, no one said ‘Hey!’
many presents not opened ‘til Boxing Day.
Some say Christmas can be quite stressful,
luckily ours was ‘most successful!’

With very best wishes to you all, I hope your Christmas was equally successful.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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How to Untangle Christmas Lights!

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ch lightsHere we are, Christmas Eve, and I wonder how many of you have had your fill of ropes of lights? Over the last few days I have spent hours trying to untangle thousands of miles of lights with varied success. It must be a ‘man thing!’…

Find box of lights in attic/cupboard/garage
Do not see if they are working as they were OK when put away last January
Take lights and shake vigorously
Say magic work “Fu-Kinell”
Swear at the cat/dog
Pour a drink
Eat a mince pie
Repeat until threatened by partner
Schake thes lightz agen
Shepeat margic rurds
Plead with shild not to use mashic rurds in school/kitchen/friends house
Bribe shild with shocolates
Open vlotlle of wiern
Shak z lits shum mor
Haz nufer dlink
Shred on lichs
Take zhen to reflyclin bun
Tell partner “bruken lichs!”
Pour mur wiern
Mish grass
Snore!

Happy Christmas to you and yours from the Baldock Bard

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

 

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