Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

Christmas Guests!

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Christmas is just two days away and unexpected guests turn up! A flock of Canada Geese have thoroughly upset our home crew and I foresee trouble around the table! Harmony and festive spirit are in short supply and before the festivities are over there may be hissing, spitting and raised honking’s…

Christmas is coming,
the geese are getting fat,
they aren’t for the table,
too cantankerous for that!

They don’t like sharing wheat,
grass is all their own,
then some distant cousins,
come to invade their home!

We think we are unique,
bad-mood-aunty at the table,
but at least we have crackers,
(a hat for Aunty Mabel!)

If you’re fed up with TV
it makes you wonder ‘why’?
look out in the field,
and watch the feathers fly!

It should be noted at this point that our guests are always well behaved!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Latest Grandmother!

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Swan + CygnetLate on Saturday evening friend Val became a grandmother. What is not mentioned in the Book of Life is that this is one of those pivotal moments. With children, it is a parents responsibility to do all those teachy-learny bits as well as possible. A grandparents role is to add fun, food and frivolity (returning them when the effects of chocolate and other goodies threaten a vomitous resurgence!). In short, grandchildren are the reward for all our hard work as parents…

Hugo Peter has arrived for Grandma Val,
She’s now an ‘over-the-moon’, type of gal!
Already on her phone, pictures by the score,
Joined in months to come, by so many more.
Spaniel Buzz has no idea,
That soon a small boy will grab his ear.
But it’s up to us all, watch how we go,
To make a world worthy of baby Hugo.

To his parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends, best wishes and enjoyment!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Christmas Cards

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CardsI wonder if you are following the trend this Christmas of not sending cards? There are a noticeable number on social media who have grandly announced: ‘The (*insert name) family are not sending cards this year in order to save the *postman’s back / environment / turkeys / wildlife / carbon footprint’ (*tick where applicable!). I have written more than ever this year in a Canute-like attempt to keep this tradition alive…

My hand is hurting,
my elbow’s sore,
don’t want to write cards,
anymore!

Some in the pile,
have no address,
named and signed,
what a mess!

My biggest worry,
late at night,
is Sandra really,
Bill’s new wife?

It’s too late,
I’m wrong I fear,
I may not get a card,
From them next year!

It would seem that the much-awaited annual round robin has been finally killed off by social media as we now get a weekly bulletin about remarkable achievements delivered directly to our desktops!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Bard Cooking (When Tins Collide)!

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Bard CookingMrs Bard is a great cook. Sometimes, during intimate candle-lit evenings, we can be found watching cookery programmes! However when Mrs Bard is away, I flounder with fish, fail to greet meat and survive on temperate toast. This weekend, when I had a guest for supper, I attempted to be as adventurous as a Masterchef contestant. After all, how difficult can it be to ‘take a dish to another level’…

I went to the freezer to grab me a meal,
it always looks easy when cooking by feel!
I grabbed a package whose label had gone,
Into the microwave, set for how long?
When defrosted I looked at the mess,
could have been anything I must confess.
I added tinned tomatoes like Mrs Bard does,
creating a creation gave me quite a buzz.
Into the fridge and poured in some cream,
was looking peculiar, not the best I have seen.
Found in the cupboard a can of baked beans,
looked more like a one pot seen in canteens.
Italian mate Tony always adds pasta,
It think it makes cooking go a bit fasta!
At last it was ready, my guest at the table,
I’d plied him with drink so eat he’d be able.
After a mouthful, to me he did turn:
“For heaven’s sake Bard, when does she return?”

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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Bogged Down near Baldock!

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StuckOver the weekend I’ve played host to a guest from the West Country. Whereas our annual rainfall is measured in inches, down there they measure it in feet! I showed my ignorance of recent weather conditions by driving my guest across a rather damp field with unexpected but obvious consequences…

“Just here is something I want to show,
Oh dear, we seem to be going slow,
I fear the ground is rather wet,
and this 4×4 is about to get set!”

I put the gearstick into ‘low’
not an inch further did we go,
the wheels had dug themselves a slot,
any forward motion was soon forgot!

I rang John, “Could you possibly bring,
the JCB Loadall forklift thing!”
He arrived with a chain,
to pull us onto the dry again!

So if you make yourself look a fool,
Make sure you have a ‘John’ to call.
And if you’ve no John (or one that suits)
make sure you’re wearing Wellington boots!
JCB John (1)With grateful thanks to John for saving the day and to my guest for covering my embarrassment! Next time I shall eschew laziness, put on wellies and walk!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Evil ‘S’ Word!

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SugarThe nose-in-the-air do-Gooders have moved on. The war against tobacco has been won and climate change protest is now part-time since governments discovered it’s magical revenue-raising powers. The new target, in a supermarket near you, is now (whisper it if you dare) sugar. Yesterday I came under scrutiny from one of the new ‘Sweetner Warriors’ and it wasn’t a pleasant experience…

Loading the checkout from my heavy trolley,
any comment would have been mere folly,
a bag of sugar – the devils thirst quencher,
was followed by chocolate milk – a sugary drencher!
Four bottles of green Coke came along next,
(the lady in front, now really quite vexed)!
Ten bottles of water ignoring ‘water-miles’
Sixteen cans of coke (all of them sugar phials!),
Three litres of Grouse on special offer,
Her face by now was ‘disgusted proper’!
She’d tutted so much her bottom lip quivered,
Her sweet-free shop she’d next have delivered!
But the funniest thing (I grinned all the way home),
She weighed rather more than my sugared twelve stone!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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An Intolerant Society?

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When did we become such an intolerant society? I always thought that the greatest cornerstone of our society was the freedom of expression. I was obviously wrong. The words spoken publicly by American Presidential Candidate Donald Trump are both immoral and an affront to common decency. One way to deal with an idiot such as Trump is to starve him of the oxygen of publicity he so desperately craves. There are those in our world who would see him gagged, excluded and possibly worse. Surely they are not claiming to be liberal-minded people?

There are those in some countries,
who are not allowed to speak,
their minds,
except behind closed doors,
in frightened whispers.

They dream of a time,
when they can stand in a public place
and shout to the world.

If I don’t like what someone has said,
I am free to use my freedom to oppose.

However,
if I speak about curbing expression…
I am no longer free,
and those who seek to abolish simple freedoms…
…have Won.

In ‘The Friends of Voltaire’, Evelyn Beatrice Hall wrote: “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it”

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


 

 

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Dangerous Decorations!

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IMG_1671Yesterday I ventured down into the cellar to fetch the decorations for our Christmas tree. I found the box, climbed over the general stored detritus and made my way up the concrete steps to where my granddaughter waited to help me with the tree. Unfortunately I wasn’t looking where I was going…

Beware of Christmas decorations,
When they’ve been away for a year,
They can spell disaster,
Cause strange happenings I hear!
I collected a box from the cellar,
Up the steps did slip,
Now my face is all disfigured,
By a boxer-like fat lip!

… and World-Heavyweight Boxer, Tyson Fury, was nowhere near!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk




The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Early Christmas Tree!

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TappsThere has been much debate in the media as to the best timing for decorating the house for Christmas. It has been suggested that tree purchasing has got earlier and that nowadays we are almost two weeks in advance of yesteryear…

We bought our tree on Saturday,
much earlier than before,
a lengthy choosing process,
at Tapps Garden Store!
The journey home was interesting,
folded back seats down,
the netted tree the length of the car,
I wore the top part like a crown!
Now it’s in the sitting room,
awaiting decoration,
one of millions of indoor trees,
confusing pets across the nation!

Thanks to Tapps in Baldock, local suppliers of everything for the garden and outdoors, fantastic fireworks and even a coffee shop to rest your tired feet!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk




The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Flood Gates!

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SplashingThere has been heavy rain (40mm) and flooding in parts of the North West over the weekend. Houses have been flooded, power supplies cut and everyday lives disrupted. Soon the media will move elsewhere and little will be done until next time…

There’s flooding up in Cumbria,
the media is there in force,
looking for tomorrow’s pictures,
in the middle of floods – a horse!
Schools are empty and silent,
children shelter from the rain,
when they go back to the classroom,
Climate change will shoulder the blame!

Apparently poor quality flood defences built after the last time are holding back the dispersal of the flood water! Typical of a job poorly planned and carried out on an inadequate budget. Government cuts budgets at home to pay for foreign aid including flood protection in foreign countries.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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