Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

The Bean Sweeper!

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Yesterday I was due a lorry to collect a load of beans. This meant sweeping a bin of beans under a time constraint (it’s a cardinal sin on a farm to keep a lorry waiting). As I’m old and decrepit, I was concerned that it also may knacker me for good! Enter Russ stage left…

If the AA is the fourth emergency service…
then my mate Russ is the fifth!
When he offered to help sweep some beans,
I thought he was taking the pith!
The lorry arrived on the farm,
Russ rushed into the bin,
an hour later he surfaced,
beneath the sweat was a grin!
He announced to any who’d listen,
(just me, so no need to shout!)
“Bring on the next bin of beans,
that was better than a trainers work-out!”
Everyone needs a Russ in their lives, it makes all the difference!
Bean Load© Baldock Bard 2015
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Old Age Education

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StudentsIt has been said that life is circular. We start off totally reliant on others, go through a learning phase with education, reproduce, then at an advanced age once again becoming reliant on others. I seem to be going through a second ‘education phase’ the first one having been spectacularly unsuccessful…

I went to Harper Adams University,
an agricultural drone course just for pilots,
we learnt farmers growing produce,
fields of crops not pots of violets!

In a classroom we studied Powerpoint
“This is wheat,” the lecturer said,
I became confused and worried,
most of it went over my head!

When I was young farming was simple,
wellies tweed cap and a dog!
Now I’m aged I learn new phrases,
Precision Farming with my drone log!

I don’t seem able to stop learning,
unfortunately it’s just too late,
not long from now I’ll be retiring,
overeducated to shut the gate!

With many thanks to all those at Harper Adams University College who made an old man most welcome. I just wish I’d been forty years younger!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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The Coffee Jar!

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Coffee jarMonday mornings can be difficult, we all have our own rituals, likes and dislikes. This morning sees me in the depths of Staffordshire, however I was able to indulge myself in a most satisfying ritual, opening a new coffee jar as I find myself in a house of tea-drinkers…

The coffee jar I brought,
foil covering is new,
I got to grab it first,
(excitements I have few!)
I opened up the lid,
an experience sublime,
Someone was there before me,
I opened it last time!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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Friday Beans!

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This morning I have to move beans from the store to the barn in preparation for a lorry next week. Field beans are not only very dusty but also extremely noisy, so I’m in for a peaceful morning, not…

Beans, beans, good for the heart,
moving them is quite an art.
The more you move them,
the more knackered you feel
‘tis why moving beans has no appeal!

Here’s hoping your day is more peaceful than mine. Have a great weekend!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The School Run (repeat)!

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It is about 14 years since I last did the morning school run. This morning I am taking my granddaughter to nursery school about five miles away. In the countryside the school run almost always involves a car. So I’m off to brave the traffic, wish me luck…

I’m off once more,
To do the school run,
haven’t done it for years,
This should be fun!
I used to take,
my daughter and her brother,
to get them in the car,
I’d rely on their mother!
One day I said:
“I will go alone!”
before realisation,
no point in leaving home!
But this is different,
a ‘one-off’ is quite cool,
taking my little granddaughter,
along to nursery school!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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Shoot to Kill Policy

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Shoot to KillThere is much talk in the wake of the Paris attacks about ‘what, if and how’ a similar outrage would be treated on London streets. Debate is good, however it is not the time to have reasonable discussion. Here on the farm we are not allowed to have rats. Following a poison control failure I have had to introduce a ‘shoot to kill’ policy…

I taped a torch to my gun,
and went to where the rats do run,
no rodent rights in my head,
my only aim to shoot them dead.
One appeared gave me the finger,
not much longer did it linger,
I raised the gun loosed off a round,
a rodent terrorist fell to the ground.
No debate neither fun,
just an action that had to be done.

We should fully support our police and armed forces who risk their lives allowing us to sleep safely in our comfortable beds.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Three Visiting Hens!

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3 HensWe have three hens staying at the farm. I realise that most people have just human visitors, but regular readers will know that there is not much normal on this farm! These guests are easy to please, have no complaints and don’t engage in lengthy conversations at breakfast time…

Three visiting hens are contented,
grateful for breakfast wheat,
no complicated agendas,
to make their lives complete.

They have no need for credit card,
no pocket for loose change,
they’ve never seen a bank manager,
would think a mortgage strange!

They’ve never heard of television,
news comes not from a box,
religion is unfamiliar,
only terrorist is a fox!

They know not of politicians,
not lies, not war, not hate,
their only overriding fear:
avoidance of human plate!

Best wishes from the three guests! Here’s hoping that your day is as uncomplicated as theirs (wouldn’t that make a change!).

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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The Powerful Little Coin!

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Yesterday I went to get my phone repaired. One thing led to another and Mrs Bard and I had lunch and did some Christmas shopping. On our return to the car park I discovered that I needed a comfort break. I managed to track down some public facilities but they were coin-operated. Alas I only had plastic! I ran back up five flights of stairs, desperation growing, and finally tracked down a suitable coin in the foot-well of the car. A record-breaking dash worthy of Mo Farrah back down the stairs led to relief…

This humble little 20p,
about as small as a coin can be.
But if you’re desperate for a pee,
it has more power than a JCB!

Have a great day and don’t forget to take a 20p with you, just in case!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Remarkable Traffic Warden!

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We all love to hate Traffic Wardens and complain (as much as a three-year-old when caught stuffing todays post down the toilet!) when we are ticketed. Sometimes they can be accused of being over-zealous, however in my limited experience they can sometimes be most human…

Strutting around towns they march,
expressions as if they’re faces starched,
handing out tickets left and right,
acting as if they’ve a God-given might!

We are lucky in Baldock Town,
many a smile, hardly a frown,
Should you ever piss you take,
your number goes down from your plate!

Not long ago I was just collecting,
a tasty take-away was expecting,
“I’m so sorry, please do not scold!”
“Hurry along before your meal gets cold!”

No need to offer twice,
Thank you for ensuring no cold rice!

‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our cars, but in ourselves, for we are underlings!’ Have a great day and avoid fines of any sort!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Baldock Bombardment!

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All over this weekend in the UK the predominant night-time sound has been that of fireworks. Last night they reached such a crescendo of sounds that I’d expect were reminiscent of a war zone. I had never experienced such a bombardment…

Sounds like Letchworth,
and Baldock are at war,
Sunday night explosions,
not heard before.
The night sky lights up,
with a thousand cannon flashes,
as both sides engage,
in more fiery clashes.
I race for the car,
to film for networks,
drive over the hill,
Phew! Only fireworks!

Please take a moment from your day to think of those who hear these sounds and know they are not fireworks but the sound of war. 

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk




The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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