Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

The Farmer’s Water Torture!

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Torture InstrumentIf you ever want to terrorise a farmer, wait until harvest-time and ask if he’s emptied the rain gauge yet! This year it would have a greater effect than normal as the weather has been inclement at just the wrong time. Too much rain when the ear is ready to be harvested, makes the grain think it’s time to grow and sprouting takes place. This is detrimental to both the value of the crop and the farmer’s health…

“How much rain have you had?”
“Don’t know I’ll take a look!”
I wandered out to the rain gauge,
Down the yard flowed a bubbling brook!

“Holey moley!” I let out a cry,
I couldn’t believe my eyes,
60 centimitres in the gauge,
A dreadful harvest-time surprise.

Wasn’t long before the phone,
With farmers was red hot,
“What you get in your rain gauge?
60 centimetres seems a lot!”

So don’t bother ringing me,
I won’t bother to ring,
Because the effin rain gauge,
Is now in the effin bin!

They say don’t shoot the messenger, but that rain gauge had been asking for it for some time now!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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An English Summer

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Cock PheasantSo far this month of July I have emptied more rain out of the rain gauge than in the six previous months. This includes the largest amount I have ever seen (2.5 inches on the 17th). It is wet and cold and last night I even lit our wood-burning stove. However my sympathies lie with wildlife who must wonder what has happened…

A wise cock-pheasant around the garden perused,
“Tell me Mister, I’m so confused,
I’m told that this is July,
Yet it’s cold and wet, anybody know why?”
folk are on holiday, some flown away,
to far-off lands for sun they say!”
I told him, “Mr Pheasant it’s a bummer,
But that is typically an English Summer!”

For me at the moment this bad weather may be an inconvenience, luckily my crops aren’t ready for harvest. But many farmers must bee looking to the sky with furrowed brows as this much rain on ready-to-harvest grain can make it sprout thus losing it’s already-low value.

Baldock Bard 2015

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At Loggerheads!

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At LoggerheadsEvery now and then I go back through my photo collection for inspiration! Yesterday I found a photo I’d taken some years ago in the Midlands, North of Birmingham. There was something I found amusing about a notice board…

At the Parish Council,
they were at each other’s throats,
the chairman called for calm,
the chairman called for votes!
He finally closed the meeting,
after discussion regarding sheds!
We’ll meet again next Tuesday,
hopefully not at loggerheads!

With apologies to Loggerheads Parish Council who are probably the least argumentative in the country and fed up with people making the same joke time after time!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Art of Dog Walking!

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Dog and Me!The other day I took my dog for a walk. Mrs Bard and I were away, so the novelty of not just opening the door and saying “Shoo!” was a new experience for Dog and I. However once in the park we soon learnt some new rules that don’t seem to apply here on the farm…

No lead meant some baler twine,
Tied to the collar should do fine!
Then off to the park for Dog and me,
Cocked his leg on every tree!
A polite “Good Morning!” to all around,
The response a ‘don’t-know-you’ filthy frown!
Into the park remove the lead,
“Look at the sign, can’t you read?”
“I thought Dog could just run?
Without his freedom where’s the fun?”
A haughty lady asked me, “who,
Is going to pick up that dog’s poo?”
At that moment a screaming sound!
“My poor Mimi whose is that hound?”
Dog and I slunk away,
Won’t go back to that park to play!

To all dog walkers: This is written with tongue firmly in cheek as, with a few exceptions on which this is based, all dog walkers are sociable and amicable folk. It is the minority, as in with all walks of life, that give the majority a bad name. “Rover! Rover! Oh where has that dog gone now? Sorry, must dash…” 

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Missing Bracelet!

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The BraceletHave you ever been given something and almost immediately mislaid it? Was the fact that it was missing noticed by the donor? How much trouble were you in? Not as much trouble as I was in yesterday…

My Granddaughter made me a bracelet,
it was tied tight to my wrist,
somewhere during the day,
it fell off and was missed!
I tried to blame the dog,
and the cat we didn’t own,
but I’m in deeper trouble,
so I’m searching all over home.
I tried to calm the situation,
with a bag of bright jelly sweets,
now she’s off the ceiling,
and about to call the police!
Those terrible two’s are with us,
soon it will be the threes,
I wish I could find the bracelet,
before it ruins my knees!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Posing for an Owlie!

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Barn OwlOne of the best sights on the farm is to watch a barn owl flying in a meadow. It always seems as if he will fall from the sky any minute as his flight is so slow and almost cumbersome. He also looks most un-aerodynamic. However when he sits on the branch of a tree it is a magnificent sight…

Oh Mr Owl are you as clever as they always say?
Portrayed as the teacher back in the day!
Yet as I watch your awkward flight gait,
I know there are voles awaiting their fate.
So Mr Owl, please sit still for a mo,
pose for an ‘owlie’, then off you can go!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Paperwork!

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PaperworkAs a farmer I am often asked, “…and what are you up to on the farm at the moment?” Expecting an answer of “I be crollicing my turnips, my dear” or similar, delivered in a yokel accent, they seem to be very disappointed when nine-times-out-of-ten the answer is “paperwork!” The truth is that most jobs are similar in many ways…

Some years ago there was a rumour:
‘The paper-less office is here!’
Everyone heaved a sigh of relief,
left the office and had a beer!
Some looked for a solution,
what to do with this now-empty room!
But oldies who’d been there before them,
said “we’ll not be changing too soon!”
Today we’ve got out the paperwork,
condensed and put in a file,
an inspector will come to examine it,
he’ll be reading and looking for a while!
If I was alone in assembling,
I’d probably be banged up for life!
it’s another time I’m so grateful,
I am married to my Farmer’s Wife!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Two Terriers!

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Two TerriersOur two terriers have just had a falling-out. It wasn’t all out war, just handbags in the morning. When it was all over they looked at each other as if to say ‘what was that?’ Sometimes our pets can be frighteningly human…

Our two terriers wouldn’t be apart,
sometimes they quarrel,
sometimes they bark!
Mostly they’re a comfort,
to each other,
in fact they’re like,
sister and brother!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Cereal Bowl of Life!

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CerealThis morning while filling my bowl with cereal, it over-filled and the dogs rejoiced and cleared up the floor. I suddenly realized that my helping was probably greedy and, if needed, I could always have second helping having completed the first. Needless to say, having completed the bowlful the last thing I wanted was a second…

There’s never enough room in the bowl,
for the cereal I want to eat!
There’s never enough time in the day,
for my list of jobs to complete!
It may sound like I’m ungrateful,
a dissatisfied ancient bore,
But at least I’m vertical and breathing,
How could I ask for more?

It’s Thursday again! If you know where they have hidden the rest of the week, please let me know as my list of jobs seems never-ending.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Field of Blue!

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Linseed1This year we are growing a field of linseed. The flowers come out in the morning and disappear in the afternoon/evening. This has led to much confusion with passing commuters who find the constant changing scene hard to accept…

I passed this field of blue flowers,
Could have watched the scene for hours!
Then that evening it was green,
Perhaps the strangest thing I have seen!
Then this morning it was blue again,
We’d had a warm night without rain.
So I asked the farmer ‘why?’
The changing scene when I drive by?
And he said “I guess you now know,
That’s just how linseed does grow!”
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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