Jack the Russell

Posted on May 29, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

We have many discerning customers at the Saturday car boot sales we hold on the farm. This is not only because entry amd parking for buyers is free, but because the sellers bring along such fascinating items to sell. One buyer who knows, and gets, what he wants is called ‘Jack’ and is amongst the many ‘four-legged buyers’ we see each week…

Every Saturday without fail,
Jack comes to the car boot sale,
Leads his human around the field,
Wondering what today will yield!
He chooses his purchase with much care,
Always picks a teddy-bear!
Then turns his back as if to say,
“I have chosen, now you pay!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Out Into The Sunlight!

Posted on May 28, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Can you remember the exhilaration you felt when coming out into the sunlight after a school or university exam? I can’t, I’m far too old to remember back that far! However the rush of adrenaline felt when I came out into the sunlight having delivered, and had inspected, my Bank Holiday’s paperwork ( http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=6987 ), would probably have come near! I had made a number of mistakes that were spotted by eagle-eyed Sandra from the RPA (Rural Payments Agency) before she stamped my paperwork and receipt. I have nothing but praise for this government agency as they have been ever-helpful and kind to this dim-witted farmer. So that’s it for another twelve months and I can breathe again…

Sandra stamped the certificate of receipt,
This meant for me the nightmare was complete!
A form fully filled without mistake,
Means a good nights sleep without being wide-awake!
Worrying do I need an RLE1?
Or mark on maps any changes done?
The deadline for forms is nineteen days time,
I can’t believe that they’ve got mine!
I can only thank those from the RPA,
Who have eased my despair and led me to this day!
I have never been so happy to walk out of a door,
And see the day’s bright sunshine once more!

*I was so stunned at having actually achieved the goal that I took a picture of the government offices at Cambridge, hence the rather strange photo above!

The Windbreak Virus!

Posted on May 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a condition known to all caravaners as AES or Awning Erection Syndrome. It can strike down any couple who attempt to erect an awning in front of others at a campsite. The difficulties faced in what should be a simple operation results in bitterness, shouting, throwing down of tools and abusive language. To non-participants, particularly those whose awnings are already erected and alcohol is to hand, it is an exciting sport worthy of the Olympics. Some bouts have gone down in the annals of caravaning and are passed from generation to generation around the plastic table.
Unfortunately there are other closely-related viruses that don’t require a caravan. One such incurable virus is WEF or ‘Windbreak Erection Failure’. This has struck down friends on their boating holiday…

John and Jane have gone away,
On a boat for a holiday.
True to say all was well,
Until they entered Windbreak Hell.
Unwrapping the poles was an easy task
“Do as I say we’ll erect it fast!
It’s a piece of cake,” John soon yawned!
“Don’t speak too soon,” Jane then warned.

The windbreak was needed, the strong wind blew,
like a vast hang-glider into the air it flew!
John cried “Jane, leave this to me!”
As he rescued the material from the nearest tree!

Two hours later,
two empty chairs,
A husband and wife making repairs!

*Names have been changed to protect the embarrassed, however be careful out there, you may well suffer next, on the beach, at the festival, in the park…!

Precious Learns!

Posted on May 26, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On April 30^th I told you about the arrival of our five goslings: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=6898. Unfortunately we only have one left, the others having either been left behind as the geese travel vast distances around the farm or were killed by the fox. As a result the proud Mummy and Daddy (or Mummy and Mummy, or Daddy and Daddy!) are less than friendly towards me and guard ‘Precious’ very closely…

“Get away! Get away!
Don’t you come near.
We’ll make you sorry,
with a bite on your ear!”

“We’ll then chase you,
around the farm,
pen you in a corner,
and break your arm!”

“What’s that you’re carrying?
Could it be food?
To bite the hand that feeds us,
would be very rude!”

“Go on Precious,
say ‘Hello’
He’s come to feed us,
and then he’ll go!”

“Thank you Mr Farmer,
For the handful of wheat,
Do come again tomorrow,
with tasty food to eat!”

Bank Holiday Paperwork!

Posted on May 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Sunday I spent another seven hours struggling with BPS ( the government’s complicated new agricultural claims procedure). The high point of the exercise was speaking to Jill on their helpline -YES! Open on a Sunday! Although I asked questions that would not have been out of place in a primary classroom, she was very patient and led me by the hand through some very complicated regulations. However three hours later something was missing…

Has anyone seen 1.8 hectares?
It seems to have vanished from sight,
It was certainly there yesterday morning,
It must have gone away overnight!
I have worn out a calculator,
My brain sees figures no more,
I’m suffering a lack of sunlight,
Will have to get out of the door!

It’s now Bank Holiday Monday,
And I’m ready to go once again,
I think I’m almost on top of it,
Compared to last year it’s a pain!
I’ve got a secret weapon,
That just could save my life,
She’ll check out all of my figures,
It’s what is known as a wife!

A Farmer’s Wife – Every farmer should have one. In good times and bad, in poverty and wealth, in lambing and shearing, in planting and in harvest and in calculations and form-filling!
With thanks also to the kind folk at the Rural Payments Agency who are working so hard to help administer an ill-conceived and over-complicated claims proceedure that’s not of their making, while dealing with often fraught farmers with genorosity of spirit and kindness.

Wife in a Cage!

Posted on May 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other evening when most people were sensibly having supper and relaxing, Mrs Bard climbed into a cage! While I would not dream of putting her there, and suspending her high above the ground, the creeper on the house was growing out of control. For those readers who may consider me to be a heartless-so-and-so, she was wearing a full safety harness and I was extra vigilant at the controls…

I put my wife in a cage,
She went in of her own accord,
She ripped the creeper off the house,
No-one can say she’s bored!
Gravity helped remove the plant,
It lay strewn across the ground,
and “Will you now let me out!”
Echoed all around!

Ah! The joys of being a farmer’s wife!

The Garden Party

Posted on May 21, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Friends Sian and Angharad travelled down from North Wales to attend a Royal Garden Party yesterday. Just before they left for Buckingham Palace I introduced them to a cardboard cutout so they could practice their curtseys. They had a wonderful time and returned with many a tale to tell…

Sian and Angharad where have you been?
“We’ve been up to London to visit the Queen!”
Please can you tell us what you saw there?
“We saw lots of people it was like a big fair!
We went into a garden all manicured and clean,
Had a cup of tea and there was the Queen!”
And what may I ask did she have to say?
Have you come far? You here for the day?
“We had some fine sandwiches on freshly baked bread
Good job they were good or “off with his head!”
Two bands were playing, we had ice cream,
When we went up to London for tea with the Queen!”

A Valuable Lesson!

Posted on May 20, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

If you had read yesterday’s Bard-verse you’d have discovered that it was my wedding anniversary. Amongst other things, Mrs Bard gave me some soft-centered sweets to remind me of a night of shame. We’ve all had them, however mine was the night we met…

As many a young person is apt to do,
One night I had a drink or two!
It was my birthday, I’m ashamed to say,
And I had drunk the day away.
Late at night, collapsed over a wall,
I wasn’t feeling well at all!
I was dragged back to a student flat,
And in the morning there ‘she’ sat.
Feeling groggy I combed the streets,
In order to buy her special treats.
I’d bought her a box of New Berry Fruit,
Her face showed me, something’s don’t suit.
I’d learnt a lesson above all other,
Not all girls are like your mother!

Acquired at Auction!

Posted on May 15, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I called in on a local auction where they were disposing of all the fixtures, furnishings and stock of a local saddlery company following the death of its owners. It was sad to see the end of an era, however good to see such interest. Despite having an itchy nose, following a trip to the dentist, I came away without a purchase, however it could have been so different…

I went to a countryside auction,
I sat in the very last row.
The auctioneer spoke very quickly:
“Everything here has to go!”

I had this itch on my nose,
I’d been to the dentist you see,
Whenever I scratched the itch on my nose,
He put the lot down to me!

I bought a small wooden donkey,
A figurine perched on a base,
A couple of ladies sidesaddles,
Some hairnets and a large box of lace!

So if you go to an auction,
(You’ve seen Bargain Hunt on the TV!)
Sit on your hands looking down,
or you’ll end up with lots just like me!

Bayles Auctioneers hold regular auctions and are kind to new buyers and sellers!
They can be contacted at colinbayles@hotmail.com

Beautiful Bluebells!

Posted on May 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Walking around the farm with a measuring wheel gives an opportunity to see what is normally rushed by. At this time of year we are generally busy fertilizer spreading or working our way through paperwork and it is all too easy to miss the splendor of the woodland Bluebells apart from a blur of purple from the tractor seat. This year I was determined to take a closer look at the flower that is leading a poll as the nations favourite…

The Bluebell is the sweetest, of all the woodland flowers,
But picked and transported, it only lasts for hours.
It’s the woodlands Wilton carpet, a veritable purple haze,
Normally seen from a tractor seat on fertilizer days!
On its own, tiny bells, so delicate and petite,
A host of them is needed to make the scene complete.
So forget your wanderings ‘all lonely as a cloud,’
And shout out for Bluebells that make the Nation proud!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs