Sally the Seagull

Posted on May 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Being from the landlocked county of Hertfordshire, I can never understand the venom with which seaside dwellers view seagulls. In our coastal-themed loo lives Sally the Wooden Seagull whose main purpose is to amuse our granddaughter while on the potty. This is accomplished with distinction earning Sally ‘The Grand Order of the Shell’ which she wears with pride…

Sally the seagull lives in the loo,
She has just one daily job to do!
Not from pensioners does she steal chips,
Or hang around landfill tips!
She sits under the basin all day long,
Once or twice breaking into song:

To the tune: ‘I do like to be beside the seaside’
“Oh I do like to be beside the toilet,
I do like to be beside the bog,
It’s just dynamite,
When the room smells not alright!
My mo-ther, was just a log!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Remembrance Bells

Posted on May 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Saturday at 11am we rang the two 15^th Century bells in our little village church to celebrate the 70^th anniversary of VE Day, the end of the Second World War. As I pulled on the rope with young Gabriel (in charge of ‘Dong’), I wondered what those who had sacrificed their lives would think of ours today. This made me pull harder…

I rang Ding,
Gabriel rang Dong,
The countryside echoed,
Ding Dong Ding Dong!

I wondered as we gripped,
the sallies with both hands,
Whether bells would ring,
In far-off foreign lands.

Then I thought,
Of deeds that had been done,
So Ding and Dong,
Could evermore be rung!

A Killer Strikes!

Posted on May 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

We are down from ten to two chickens and it’s our own fault. If we kept them locked up in a shed they’d have been safe, however we like to see them roaming around the farm as nature intended. The two remaining hens, Mrs Brown and Mrs Black (Mrs White’s head was found detached from her body along with the others including the ‘Tiptoe Twins’). They now stick together and wander around wondering where their friends have gone and if there are tastier scraps to be found there, while I prepare a surprise for the fox…

On our farm about a week ago,
A fox came calling and away did go,
Killed our chickens removed their heads,
Whilst they were sleeping in their beds.
Feathers scattered all around,
My favourite hens dead on the ground.
If that fox had wanted food,
I wouldn’t hate him or be rude.
If I’m late to the boot sale then you’ll know,
I’m no longer woken by the cockerel’s crow!

The Headless Voter!

Posted on May 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Tomorrow the country goes to the polls. By Friday morning we may well wake up to a weak government controlled by a mish-mash of other parties or a weak government controlled by Scottish Nationalists (how we used to laugh at Italian politics!). The media has run such a long campaign that it is guilty of introducing mind-numbing boredom and apathy towards the election. Unfortunately it’s the system we have, so it’s time to put up and shut up…

We get the politicians we deserve;
we stupidly think it’s us they serve.
They hide behind ancient walls,
like scurrying rats when voting calls.
They’re like light bulbs each and ever hour,
they only seek one thing: that’s POWER!

Grandpa’s mower!

Posted on May 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon I watched an old man walking in the park pushing a three-wheeled walking-aid. It looked just as if he was mowing grass. Later on he could be seen walking back towards his home. I was impressed by his vigour, as during that whole time I’d not moved from my deckchair.

Every morning Grandpa goes for a walk,
gives him exercise, chance for a talk,
to others who’re taking their constitution,
an aged no-gym pensioner solution.

He pushes his three wheeler, he calls his lawnmower,
doesn’t need emptying, but gives him a blower,
when he gets back, with colourful cheeks,
he brews a cuppa, not felt better for weeks.

We mustn’t joke or laugh at his gait,
for we’ll soon be his age, not long to wait,
and if I reach ninety, heaven knows how,
I hope I’m as fit as he is now!

A Shocking Scene!

Posted on May 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On a Sunday morning before a Bank Holiday, everything should be calm and peaceful. While shopping I watched an elderly gentleman lose his cool. A very relaxed man (a Buddhist) once told me: When God made time he made plenty of it!” Perhaps we should all cool down a bit, particularly on a Sunday morning. What happened next will shock you as much as it shocked me…

I watched a pensioner,
eat his hat,
in Marks and Spencer’s
how about that?

He lost his cool,
he was irate,
his money-off voucher,
out of date!

If he is going,
to solace seek,
he might consider,
shopping mid-week!

I hope he soon,
gets much better,
before someone offers him,
salt and pepper!

Warning: Hats are considered low in calories but high in fibre. They are not generally edible. Care must be taken when positioning a hat near to dentures.
*Serving suggestion only.

Nature’s Confetti

Posted on May 1, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m very fond of this time of year. Not only as a farmer, when the crops are at last looking like they might bring forth a yield after showing bare patches over winter, but also for the rejuvenation all around. The last of the blossom is just glorious…

The pinkest of blossom,
a vibrant sign,
that Spring is here,
one more time.

The oak leaves are out,
before the ash,
so instead of a soak,
we’re in for a splash?

But most of all,
warmer days,
with shorter nights,
spirits are raised!

Unfortunately,
the blossom won’t last,
it’ll look like,
a bride has been past!

Wedding Shoes!

Posted on April 28, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There are great pleasures from shopping at a discount store. Not only are you adding to Tesco’s woeful sales results, but you can never know what bargains you are likely to come across, most of which you never knew you wanted! My two and a half-year-old grand-daughter is hooked and even chants “Lidl-Lidl-Lidl” from the back seat during the journey…

According to my grand-daughter these are ‘wedding shoes,’
(Nice and soft, won’t damage the pews!)
Where some may wonder at the riddle,
Few would guess they came from Lidl!
Those who only buy designer shoes,
Would see straight through this little ruse!
However there’s one group who fool you can,
Don’t notice shoes? Must be a man!

1001st Blog Posting!

Posted on April 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On the 29^th of February 2012, I posted a verse on my new blog site under the pen name Baldock Bard. Someone said “Ha! Bet you can’t write a thousand!” Today, this very morning is my 1001^st posting. In that time over 155,000 people have viewed my verse and worse. Thank you all for your support of a simple farmer from Baldock UK who happens to write a blog…

1001 cleans a big big carpet,
Or so they used to say.
It now means a blog from the Baldock Bard,
Or so it does today!
So many thanks to readers,
Dotted around the world,
Without your support and following,
No celebratory flag unfurled!

With 1001 thanks to all of you, see you next time!
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Big Breakfasters!

Posted on April 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When did we become a greedy nation? Perhaps we always were and I missed the vital signs? The other morning I had a self-service breakfast in a hotel. I asked a waitress if much food was wasted by people’s greed. Her reply was shocking…

“Many breakfasters pile up their plate,
Sausages, eggs, hash browns to sate,
Then when that’s gone they’re back for more,
And possibly a third time if they’re sure!”

“Their final plate is seldom cleared,
Belching and farting they’ve disappeared,
Leaving behind a wasted plateful,
Wouldn’t do it at home it’s disgraceful.”

“Off they go to do whatever they do,
With a heaving stomach (to the loo!),
But I know,” she said with sorrow,
“They’ll do the same at breakfast tomorrow!”

*The picture above is a serving suggestion only involving actors who cleared their plates!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs