Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

The Barstool Golf Expert!

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golf greenLast weekend Mrs Bard and I stayed at a Golf and Spa Hotel. The view from the bar was spectacular with an added interest, the 18th hole…

We watched three golfers going for a stroll,
Their ultimate destination, the 19th hole.
We saw their practice swings on the 18th tee,
It looked a very tricky hole to me.

If your follow-through happens to suddenly stop,
Then into the lake your ball goes plop!
If you hit the ball hard it goes too far,
Crashes through the window and into the bar!

Despite my cruel wishes and anticipated glee,
They all landed on the green perfectly!
I then realised with considerable shame,
They’re all better than an expert who doesn’t play the game!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Footpaths – A National Treasure

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Rambling OnThis week while driving around the farm I came across a group of ramblers on one of my grass fields. Rather than acting like Farmer Palmer from the Viz comic (Farmer Palmer says ‘Git Orf My Effin Land!’), I stopped and passed the time of day with them. It is great to share what I see every day…

They’re strolling in the sun across my field,
It’s only grass, won’t lose any yield,
It’s such fun when you share with a crowd,
To see other’s enjoyment makes you so proud.

They’re using my workplace for recreation,
On a series of footpaths that link up the nation,
It’s a very good way, of watching health and your weight,
I’m sure into Britain it helps put the Great!

Dedivated to all those who work behind the scenes to ensure the continuation of this National Treasure.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Hiding in the Rushes!

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HidingHow did we reach this state where we have some of the weakest, most pathetic and untrustworthy politicians on the planet? Leadership – something sadly lacking as they descend towards the gutter at warp-factor nine. The truth lies hiding somewhere in the rushes…

I’m so fed up with politics,
Shouting, smears, dirty tricks.
They won’t look us in the eyes,
In case we see their woeful lies.
No party is above a TV stunt,
From venue to venue supporters shunt.
If only they were Pinocchio,
In real time watch noses grow!
Common sense suspended until May 8,
Until then they’ll each other hate!
And after then, they’ll be so wise:
“That was policy, there were no lies!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Easter Bunnies on R&R!

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Easter BunniesVisiting Oxfordshire yesterday I looked up and was startled to see more rabbits than I’ve seen for years. I think they were taking time out following a very busy Easter Weekend.

Where do the Easter bunnies go,
When their work is done?
They aren’t found near Baldock,
Because they like the sun!

Yesterday I saw them,
Relaxed and not afraid,
Their mouths covered in chocolate,
And drinking lemonade!

But what is this? They’re waving!
Of a farmer they have no fear?
They show their little cotton tails,
Then simply disappear!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
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Jelly at Lunchtime!

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IMG_2399It must be twenty-eight and a half years since we last had a toddler in the house. While we weren’t necessarily strict parents, Mrs Bard and I were from the non-spoiling school of child rearing (Perhaps for historical accuracy I should remove my name from this statement as I was probably ‘an easy touch’ and any credit in the rearing dept. should go to Mrs Bard). Add a generation and things are slightly different…

Please eat your lunch,
It’s good for you!
Please eat your lunch,
It’s good!
Please eat your lunch,
Please eat,
Please!

Just another mouthful,
And you can have a jelly.
You don’t want jelly.
How about a Peppa Pig Jelly?
No we don’t watch Peppa Pig at lunchtimes.
The news is different.

How about Peppa Pig and a Peppa Pig Jelly?
You can’t watch Peppa and Thomas the Tank Engine together.
OK, so you can!
I’m sure Peppa wouldn’t mind you eating her jelly while…
Jelly on my trousers is so not funny.
OK, so jelly on my trousers is funny.
Ssssh! The news is starting!

With apologies to granddaughter, daughter and Mrs Bard.
Weakness is my strength!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
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Nature’s Finest View

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Sunset over WaterLast night I took a photograph of the sunset over the river. It was breathtaking, although my photographic skills are sadly lacking and reliant on my ‘point and squirt’ digital camera. We do indeed live in a wonderful world…

The world turns gold,
And the promise,
That was today,
Slips silently away,
To become tomorrow.

The watery reflection,
like a tantalizing glimpse,
of another world,
That perhaps we’ll see,
Tomorrow or another day,
Or maybe not at all?

The swan floats serenely by,
As if it’s part of this other world already!

Nature’s most exquisite picture,
Slowly fades,
As the sun moves on,
To other continents,
And other times,
Leaving behind just darkness.

Happy 1st day back to work after the holiday!
The weekend is a day closer this week!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
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Let’s Go Fly A Kite… (modern version!)

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B Bard DroneYesterday on Facebook a young lady from Bedfordshire posted a photo: ‘Let’s Go Fly a Kite!’ I suddenly realised that my drone is the modern equivalent! So thanks to Beckie here’s my take on a classic (you’ll all know the tune and it’ll stay with you for days!)…

Let’s go fly a drone,
Just behind our lovely home.
Let’s go fly a drone,
And watch it soaring!
Up to the atmosphere,
Those trees look very near!
Let’s go fly a drone,
And watch it falling!

We’ll send it for repair,
It will get no more fresh air,
Want to go fly a drone?
eBay in the morning!
Now that the drone is gone,
To a Londoner called Ron,
I now go and watch them crash,
On YouTube ‘till I’m snoring…

…Let’s all fly a drone etc!

You can find Beckie at Vibacious Events
http://www.vibaciousevents.com/
DCIM101MEDIA© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Patisserie en France!

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P1060226Mrs Bard and I took the Eurotunnel from Folkestone last night and are spending a few hours ‘En France!’ It was a spur of the moment decision driven by my greed. We had been sitting at home and I suddenly had an urge for French patisserie and wondered aloud whether we could just get up and go? If so, would anyone would notice…
P1060233Chocolate Éclairs dans la fenêtre,
Would make many a dieter retch!
To display un Paris-Brest éclair,
On a dish, ce n’est pas fair!
P1060224A tray of twenty petit-fours,
I can see mine where are yours?
I’ll be coming home on a twenty-ton trolley,
Peut-etre, c’est seulement, l’Avril folie?
P1060214© Baldock Bard 2016
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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The Old Tractor!

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DB1490Yesterday I started up our old David Brown tractor. When she was new and shiny she was on display at the East of England Show! Now her bonnet is pitted with rust and she doesn’t like getting up in the mornings…

We have an old tractor,
Her name is David Brown!
She’s now retired,
Doesn’t work on the ground.
She’ll likely be seen,
Sawing up some wood,
She’d like to go ploughing,
I doubt if she could.
So she sits in the shed,
Doesn’t go anywhere,
It’s the tractor equivalent,
Of the high wing-back chair!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Lost – One Hour!

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IMG_2615I hope your Monday morning is better than mine! Since the clocks sprung forward I have no idea where I am! Rather like the days after decimalization (way back in the Seventies), I’m finding myself converting to ‘old time!’ With luck the day will improve…

It’s Monday morning,
I’m all of a tizz,
My poor body clock,
Has no idea where it is!
Yesterday morning,
I mislaid an hour,
Ever since then,
I’ve been on half power!

I’ve searched the whole house,
I’ve even asked Ron,
But nobody knows,
Where that hour’s gone!
At my time of life,
Can’t afford loss of time,
So if you find an hour,
Please return it, it’s mine!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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