The Last Load of Wheat!

Posted on March 26, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning is an early start as the last of the wheat from last harvest is leaving the farm. Unfortunately there is only around 10-12 tons wheras the lorry holds 29. So I’m sharing the load and the penalty for the trailer not being full with another farmer in the same situation. His wheat is already loaded and I’m praying that the rain stops before I load mine…

Up before the lark,
It’s pouring with rain,
When loading a lorry,
It’s a real pain.
If the moisture,
Is above fifteen,
There will be a penalty,
£2 a tonne, that’s obscene!
When the wheat arrives,
At the prcessing plant,
The first thing they add is water,
(They can, but I can’t!)

Happy Days!

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Stagnant Meeting!

Posted on March 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I went to a meeting where important matters were to be discussed. However it turned out to be a rather stagnant meeting where I longed for a diversion. Of course this often happens in the swan world…

“I call this meeting to order,” said Swan number one,
“There’s much to get through, much to get done.”
“We’ve seventy-nine thousand apologies to get through.”
“Can we not name them all?” said Swan number two!
“Minutes of last meeting should have been read,”
Unfortunately at this point a child with some bread,
Turned up on the bank and started to throw,
“This meeting is abandoned, we must all go!”
So the moral of this tale is easy for all to see,
That food is more important than items one to three!

With sincere apologies to anyone attending a meeting today. I’m sure it is vital and doesn’t need interruptions of any sort. Enjoy!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Eclipse Special Edition!

Posted on March 20, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

How many of you remember the 11^th of August 1999? Do you recall standing about outside looking in vain towards the heavens for an eclipse that was totally obscured by cloud? Way back then I wrote two eclipse-style verses. I thought today might be a good excuse to reprint them and add a third and fourth…

6/8/99 Heralding the event of the year – the total eclipse of the sun.
I bought two thousand hand torches
At an auction near Morden in May
They’ve littered my house since I bought them
My wife said “Take them away”
On my stall at the boot sale near Baldock
ECLIPSE TORCHES – BUY ONE TODAY!
Sold them all to the fact I was shouting
“Don’t get caught in the dark on Wednesday!”

Wednesday August 11th 1999 The eclipse happened but was generally spoilt by cloud and rain.
I went down West to watch the eclipse
A once-in-a-lifetime not to be missed
I spent all Tuesday in a traffic jam
Would’ve arrived far sooner in a vintage tram!
I set up camp in a farmer’s field
More money than corn, tents can yield!
I bought special specs to protect my eyes
The money I spent was the real surprise
I waited and watched to no avail
It was cloudy and damp like last week’s boot sale!
I ended up cold broke and smelly
I’d have seen far more at home on telly!

Friday 20th March 2015
Plus ça change, so some say,
Another eclipse is here today,
They forecast cloud maybe rain,
We’ll not see very much again.
Perhaps we should have gone elsewhere,
To see if viewing’s better there,
But the finest view we’ll get today,
Is via the internet, the modern way!
There’s bound to be a clever-clog,
A picture on his ‘me me’ blog!
Don’t be jealous, don’t turn green,
He’s stolen the picture from another screen!

Wednesday, August 12th 2026,
(to be continued….maybe!)

Les Visiteurs Canadien!

Posted on March 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many events that remind us how life is circular. Every year on the farm, like all the best hotels, visitors arrive and visitors depart. Some were born here and have returned whereas for some it is their first visit…

Monsieur et Madame Canadien Goose,
Doreen et sa cherie Bruce,
Arrived back on the farm last week,
(They’ve been dancing cheek to cheek!).
Very soon, (she’s getting fatter),
There will be a pitter-patter!
Of tiny geese who then will grow,
Learn to fly then off they’ll go!
And sometime at this time next year,
More Canadian Geese appear!
Life becomes one great event,
That’s repeated and heaven sent!

The Bunch of Daffs!

Posted on March 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There is something very reassuring about daffodils. They are rather like that one friend who always smiles and is cheerful despite whatever is going on in his/her life. They bounce into your life and always say nice things about you, bring the right bottle of wine and dance as if nobody’s watching! No wonder a certain poet was so enthusiastic…

I wandered lonely as a cloud…
That floats on high over Basildon!
Where all at once I saw a crowd,
They’d lost 7-1 to Billericay Town!
In the second half, on their knees,
No-one looking very pleased.
On the way home the manager said:
“I’ll buy some Daffs, then go to bed!”

With apologies and commiserations to fans, players and staff at Basildon Town FC, better luck next time. Apologies also to W. Wordsworth and all his supporters. Anyone who has been affected by the contents this programme can contact our helpline, details will follow after the credits.

Sheep By Proxy!

Posted on March 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This week over one hundred wooly-coated grass-eaters arrived on the farm. They look wonderful in the parkland by the wood. However I am bathing in reflective glory as they aren’t mine! I have no worries about foot rot, fluke worm or bloat, to me they are simply attractive wallpaper! All I need to do is occasionally count them but I never seem to get past thirty before I need a nap…

The very best sheep,
Are those you don’t own,
But graze the grass,
Outside your home!
Their sing-song ‘baas’,
From behind the fence,
Aesthetically pleasing,
Doesn’t cause offence!
A simple wave,
To their Landrovered owner,
“Any problems,
Of course I will phone-yer!”
So I’ve sheep by proxy,
Reflected glory,
Without the work,
Or anything gory!
So if you notice,
I’m carrying a crook,
It’s just because,
Its the seasonal look!
When they leave,
I may just pine,
But with relief,
That they’re not mine!

With thanks to Rob for the wooly wallpaper!

The Wimp Goes Hunter Gathering!

Posted on March 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I was never much good at History when I was at school. I always believed it to be this week’s best, or at least most plausible, take on past times, tainted by modern ideology. There is a theory that apparently suggests that ancient farmers started off as wimpy, stay-at-home, mummy’s skirt-clutchers, whilst macho big-brothers went off hunter-gathering. This week I’ve been doing some hunter-gathering for a change…

I went to fetch the cultivator,
From its hibernation place,
I noticed some tines were broken,
And the points were a disgrace!
I had a quick ring round,
Alas none to be had,
“I’m afraid they’re on back-order,
The situation’s bad!”

So I ventured from the caveside,
Trusty hound by my side,
Harnessed the Mitsubishi,
A nice day for a ride!
Doug, a kindly Biggleswader,
Behind the counter at ABA,
Sourced everything I needed,
And sent me on my way!

So if you’re afraid of leaving your cave,
And venturing beyond the hill,
Visit Doug at Biggleswade,
For a hunting-gathering thrill!

Many thanks to Doug who went well beyond the call of duty and wore out his computer mouse locating and securing the parts I needed. Everyone needs a Doug on their side when hunter-gathering!
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Cardboard – A Sign Of Weakness!

Posted on March 1, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While filling our recycling bin with all the recyclable detritus of our everyday life, I swore at the volume of cardboard. It was then that I realized that much of it was as direct a result of ‘Grandchild Spoiling’. I must rein myself in…

I wish that I made cardboard,
To package all the toys,
Some would be for girls,
and some would be for boys.
And at the end of the day,
I’d fill my wheely bin,
And see the cardboard used again,
To package everything!

The bin is never big enough,
To hold all I’ve acquired,
So I have to cram it in,
Which makes me very tired!
I have a simple solution,
I’ll practice it next week,
I shall resist the purchase,
(unless I’m feeling weak!)

When I Am Old I will Not Wear Purple!

Posted on February 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When I am old I will not wear purple – I shall have a mobility scooter instead! Everyone better watch out when this bad-tempered pensioner takes to the streets or more importantly, the supermarket! It won’t be long…

I was minding my own business,
Shopping in a far-off town,
When all of a sudden from nowhere,
A scooter ran me down!
Now I’m not complaining,
That some folk need these things,
But suddenly their size has grown,
Next they will have wings!
I picked myself up from the floor,
My shock didn’t linger,
The next thing that the pensioner did,
He gave me the finger!
I just can’t wait,
Until my turn arrives,
I’ll arm it like a chariot,
Watch folk run for their lives!

It should be noted that the charioteer in the picture is just a serving suggestion and not the guilty party!
With apologies to the famous poet Jenny Joseph for paraphrasing her wonderful poem’s title. ‘When I am an old woman I shall wear purple’ is one of my all-time favourite poems.

Chicken Manure!

Posted on February 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I do love shopping at discount stores, you never know what you’re going to find. Many years ago I worked on a chicken farm. Every so often we used to clear out the chicken muck from the large sheds. It was an aroma-filled job that used to clear chesty coughs and colds…

Many many years ago,
Into muck-filled sheds I’d go,
The air was filled with a pungent perfume,
Replaced by clean shavings very soon!
We shifted many tons of muck,
(not a job with any luck!),
Never thought I’d ever see,
Bags in a shop – get one free!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs