A ‘Bridal’ Lunch in Ireland!

Posted on January 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I went shopping yesterday to the up and coming metropolis of Biggleswade! Mrs Bard had mislaid her wedding ring. Having not bought the original I offered to buy her a new one to tide her over until her family heirloom resurfaced from its safe hiding place. Finding just the thing in the exclusive part of a catalogue store, I thought I’d better celebrate the event by taking her out to lunch! So we drove to Ireland and had a wonderful meal before driving home…

There’s a new wedding ring, on my wife’s finger today,
(Nearly 36 years, since I last said ‘Oh Yeah!’)
The assistant looked up, there were tears in her eyes,
“Not many marry here, it’s quite a surprise!”
There was no vicar, no friends in a pew,
And I quite forgot, to say ‘Yes I do!’
Out came the bank card, into the machine,
And she was my wife again, or was it a dream?
Mini-moon in Ireland, (to sate hunger and thirst!),
Ate three whole courses, thought my trousers would burst!
And then back to Baldock, the day trip was over,
I lit the fire and my bride snoozed on the sofa!

With thanks to the staff at the Black Horse, Ireland, Nr Shefford, Bedfordshire, for a truly superb lunch.
Why don’t you try something different by going to Ireland for lunch or dinner sometime?
www.blackhorseireland.com
© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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The March of Time!

Posted on January 21, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a large agricultural machinery show taking place at Peterborough today and tomorrow called LAMMA. It showcases the latest and largest tractors, combines, sprayers and cultivators that money can buy. A generation ago, life was much simpler, the industry was simpler and tractors had no heating, air-conditioning or even cabs…

Here comes old Bert on his ‘new’ row-crop tractor,
Smiling fit to burst is that a great factor?
Life was much harder in so many ways,
What would he make of farming these days?
Milk cheaper than water in a bloody great store,
Kids who have everything and still yell for more!
Combines cost hundreds of thousands of pounds,
What farmers do decided by ‘them live in towns’.
Rules and regulation come in from abroad,
Government spend billions that we can’t afford.
Old Bert led a simple life, happy was he,
A hard day at work then home for his tea!

http://www.lammashow.com/
In memory of my Uncle Pat and all those who worked with him on a farm near Bishop’s Stortford in Hertfordshire. God bless them all. Without them I wouldn’t be here today.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Fetching the Non-delivered Delivery!

Posted on January 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever had an earth-shattering moment when something upsets you to the Nth degree? I suspect we have all encountered poor service that has made us see red. However I wonder how many of you have been left wondering what all the fuss was about the next morning…

Tracking on the parcel,
Said “It will arrive today,”
I couldn’t quite believe it
So quietly said ‘Houray!’
I tried again at 4pm
I spoke to a call centre
“I can confirm delivery,
Today we will present’er!”

By a quarter to five,
I was rather less certain,
“Where is my parcel?”
“In the van behind the curtain!”
At a quarter past seven,
I was waiting by the road,
“Will now be out on Monday,
Driver couldn’t find your road!”

However on Saturday morning,
My temper had gone away,
I drove to a Luton depot,
And took my lost parcel right away.
So if you find you’re angry,
It’s less important than you think,
You wont give a damn about UPS,
Being worse than CityLink!

A note for my foreign readers: CityLink went out of business on Christmas Day. UPS has over a thousand complaints on the Internet. If there were an alternative and reliable delivery service then UPS would be consigned to history too.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Je Suis Charlie

Posted on January 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It takes an event such as today’s murderous attack on a satirical magazine in Paris to remind us how precious and rarefied our freedoms are. Anyone who writes for a blog, a newspaper or magazine or the media should today realise how lucky we are to live in a society that espouses freedom of speech.

“I may not agree with what you say but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” Voltaire

#Jesuischarlie

Baldock Bard

Attention in the Ranks!

Posted on January 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

According to recent stories in the press, a guide has been written to inform servicemen how to address officers. Instances have been found where lower ranks have called officers ‘Mate’ or ‘Boss’. Having never been in the military (apart from a brief stint as a bugle-playing cadet), I would have thought this was as obvious as recognizing the difference between certain farm animals. However it would seem that it’s not as easy as it appears…

There is one thing senior officers hate,
That’s a low-ranker calling them ‘Mate’.
They also seem at a total loss,
When anyone calls an officer ‘Boss!’
The published reminder (no doubt astute),
Tells all squaddies who to salute!
(Could be awkward during sabotage,
With everyone dressed in camouflage!)

Cadet Private Baldock Bard is in the second row from the back in the above photo, holding his bugle at the wrong angle, beret askew and awaiting court-martial!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Confusing Times!

Posted on January 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I always find this time of year confusing. Folk wander about not knowing what day it is, they rush to the shops, only to realize they are repeat-looking at the same ‘bargains’ they ignored the day before. When dog walking in the park they walk silently as they’ve no idea what to wish other dog-owners today? They’ve used up ‘Happy Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year’ and have no idea whether it’s Tuesday or Sunday. As a farmer with no livestock the choice is simple, or is it….?

I woke up this morning,
Didn’t know what to do,
Had I woken near Baldock?
Or maybe Timbuktu?
I quietly went downstairs,
Couldn’t think what day it be,
Went to let the dog out,
The rain came in on me!

I knew we’d had Christmas,
I knew we’d had New Year,
Was I supposed to work today?
I had no idea.
So I made a decision,
Albeit full of flaws,
I’d go back to my warm bed,
Ignore the wet outdoors!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Blue Car has a Fifth Wheel

Posted on January 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When guests have been to stay, their parting always leaves a vacuum. This New Year one guest made a spectacular parting which left us all speechless! What happened next may make you chuckle…

To protect her identity we’ll call her Flo,
This’ll save her reputation where-ere she go!
She waved goodbye on 2nd January morn,
Then drove her front wheel over our well-mown lawn!
We stood in wonder as she went off half cock,
Her rear wheel caught on a rather large rock!
Put there to protect the grass so real,
Not designed to be a car’s fifth wheel!
She got out and said: “Oh deary me!”
I went to fetch the JCB!

Thankfully nobody was hurt and a New Year Legend was born!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The New Year’s Resolution!

Posted on December 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The world and his wife seem to be talking about what they are going to forgo come midnight tonight. I too have given it much thought, although my options were limited, I seem to have come to a decision (of sorts)…

Someone gave me a box of Maltesers,
Chocolate covered ball-shaped pleasers!
I’d been wondering what to sacrifice,
For my New Year resolution had to be nice.
I could quite easily give up drinking,
I don’t smoke so I was thinking,
In a weak moment dark and late,
I could leave chocolate off my plate!
Just in case my resolve was forgot,
I went and ate the bloody lot!
I decided I couldn’t possibly go through,
Not eating something that’s so good for you!
Wishing you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year, may dreams come true for you and those you love.

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Post Christmas Postures!

Posted on December 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, I sat down in front of traditional Christmas TV fare and looked around. A large bin bag of used wrapping paper lay abandoned in the corner. This bag, which looked like the result of a strike by Venetian dustmen (an unknown dog had ‘marked’ the bag), was all that was left of the pile of under-tree presents. I looked around at the slumbering forms, comatose by turkey, and realized that the percentage of post-celebration vacuum would be in direct proportion to the fun experienced…

A bin bag of scrunched wrapping paper
Abandoned outside the door,
An escapee Brussels Sprout,
By the sink upon the floor!

A platoon of empty bottles,
Standing silent two abreast,
The remains of a full-breasted bird,
A tinfoil blanket is best!

Presents have scattered widely,
From underneath the tree.
Along with their new owners,
Some now back in Battersea!

The echo of raised voices,
Excited chatter filled the hall,
“Hello darling, nice to see!”
(Some didn’t mean to say it at all!)

In the next few weeks from Christmas,
Out will go the trees,
All that will remain of the holidays,
Are some wonderful memories!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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Christmas Eve

Posted on December 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Tonight sees the end of the most commercial run-ups to Christmas ever. This started with scenes of utter greed where shoppers fought over enormous flat-screen TV’s on Black Friday (only to find themselves unable to sell them on E-Bay later due to saturation of the market).

I thought of an ancient story that we all know so well. A man and his pregnant wife looking for somewhere to stay. I began to think this had been drowned out and forgotten. However, it is so far removed from the shopping scenes we’ve all witnessed, that the simplicity of the message will survive. Despite all the wrong in the world, babies keep coming!

This morning I was going to write a special Christmas Verse. This was planned to include: complicated verse structure, a cast of hundreds including elves, woodland scenes, snow, dancing goats, performing seals, and of course an old man with a long white beard. But, being a simple farmer, I have chosen simplicity…

I wish you a very Happy Christmas
(please pass on many times to everyone you meet today)

May you have a most wonderful Christmas surrounded by those you love.
Baldock Bard

Today’s verse is dedicated to two people who have done so much for our tiny village: Silka and Fiona, with thanks and love.