Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs

The Christmas Haircut!

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The Christmas HaircutOur neighbour, Laura, a very talented hairdresser (The Loft, Hitchin), arrived yesterday afternoon to do Mrs Bard’s hair. What I didn’t expect were the appearance of ropes, shackles and leg-irons! I was tied to a chair as she bravely attacked my hair! I fought back with Green Coke and Dairylea Dunkers…

The lovely Laura cut my hair,
On her day off, it wasn’t fair,
For her to trim an aged Plunker,
While I was munching a Dairylea Dunker!

Now I never look at my face,
So my hair remains a disgrace,
However she took it all in her stride,
And now I look like a blushing bride!

…Ok! That last bit is a lie, it looks much better than it has done for ages apparently!
Many thanks to Laura, a Snipping Superstar.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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No Berries this Christmas!

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One BerryYesterday I went out to get some holly in from the garden to decorate. In November the trees had been thick with berries, I’d looked at them and thought ‘will I or won’t I?’ In the end I decided against. As with many decisions I seem to make, I chose the wrong answer, so that when I went to collect holly a month later I could only count two berries on the five trees! Looks like I may have to resort to a little cheating with my grand-daughter’s Playdough…

There are no berries on the trees this year,
They are naked of colour so I fear,
I should have picked when the berries appeared,
But I didn’t and so they all disappeared.
However at least some good came from their presence,
They fed the birds, some dropped for pheasants!
So this year the holly is devoid of berries,
May have to substitute with a bunch of cherries!
So I’m off to deck the halls,
Any complaints I’ll just say “B*lls!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Broken Body Clock!

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Body ClockDo you have difficulty getting out of bed on these cold dark mornings? Or perhaps you find that you are awake when you don’t need to be up early? My body clock is in need of adjustment and rewinding…

Why is it some mornings you’re up with the lark,
The curtains are drawn because it’s still dark.
Even the alarm clock is still fast asleep,
It is the weekend and you could just weep!
And yet on a weekday when it’s a work day,
You could easily sleep the morning away!
It’s just the way that life seems to go,
When you wake before daybreak and want to scream “No!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Perils of Christmas Chocolate!

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Chocolate Santas 2Recently, as I walked around a local store, I felt as if I was being watched. I turned around and there was nobody obviously talking any notice of me. However when I looked on the shelf…

A crowd of large chocolate Santas,
One’s looking down at me,
Please take me home,
Happy we will be!

Take off my wrapping,
Say we’re off to bed,
Then before we climb the stairs,
You’ll bite off my head!

When we reach the landing,
You’ll be down to my knee,
And there’ll be nothing left,
To put on the Christmas tree!

However in the morning,
‘Doctor – I’m not myself,
I ate a chocolate Santa,
I wish it had been an elf!’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Cornelius and The Hat!

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The HatYesterday in a local supermarket I bumped into a young man wearing what looked like a chicken on his head! He displayed that ‘devil may care’ sangfroid of someone I used to know many years ago…

Cornelius Smith (known as Max!),
Owned a selection of rather strange hats.
His most bizarre it must be said,
Was like a turkey perched on his head.
When unshaved, red-faced and puffing,
His face resembled the turkey’s stuffing!
Full of fun, jokes and facts,
That’s why everyone called him Max!

Happy Christmas Shopping Everyone!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Fridge Art!

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Fridge ArtYou can always tell if a household includes an under-nine-year-old. You look at the fridge door/kitchen wall! If there are one or two pictures/scribbles then it is probably a grandchild. If more, along with discreet wax crayon/biro scribbling on the wall, then the house has a talented child whose expression is encouraged to run riot (even if the child is not!). We are enjoying the attentions of our very own ‘Granddaughter Picasso’…

We’ve mini-Picassos on our wall,
(Can’t throw them away, have to keep them all!)
The paint flows from the broad brush strokes,
Onto child, into clothes it soaks!
“Bring more paper, I need more!”
Masterpieces scattered on the floor!
Our poor dog has signed quite a few,
Paw prints coloured green and blue!
At last relief from painted foam,
Her mother’s here to take her home!
The dog collapses into her bed,
It’s then we spot – her coat is red!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Nuisance Calls

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Nuisance Calls copyIn a period of 24 hours recently, I had no less than 14 unsolicited calls from the same foreign number. I managed to ignore them all, even though it was as much as my patience could stand not to answer them. However I have been known to answer such calls and confuse the callers…

I’m so fed up with nuisance calls
They are just what they say,
A nuisance interruption,
That haunts my time all day.
Sometimes I will answer them,
They ask me if I’m OK,
I tell them that I was felling fine,
Until they called my way.

They want me to change phone contract,
“I have no phone” I say,
“I’m talking on a banana,
Now please do go away!”
They try to sell electricity,
“I’ve switched to wood!” I say,
“I’ve wooden plugs and toaster,
I have cheaper bills that way!”

Then they get quite heated,
At that point start to swear,
I ask them “Are you finished?
You’re obviously unaware,
That you’re calling a premium line,
Thirty Pounds a minute,
The longer that you’re calling me,
The more cash my account has in it!”

…and suddenly they’re gone!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
 

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One Man Went To Sweep!

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Sweeping SelfieI seem to spend most of my days at this time of year attached to a brush. After the wheat left the farm it was time to outload oats. These are much more dusty, spill easier from the loader bucket and therefore require more attention from the brush. By the time the oats reach your plate the dust has magically disappeared, I’m not surprised, it was all left on the farm…

These days I seem intent,
On wearing out the brush,
I am constantly sweeping,
Always in a rush!
Just when I think I’m done,
Another load of oats go out,
Leaving me sweeping,
Pushing oats about!
Soon it will be over,
The shed will be all clear,
The brush will be redundant,
At least until next year!
Sweeping Selfie 21© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Tea Tasting!

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T TastingEarlier this week on Sky News Sunrise, a tea taster, resplendent in a special tea-taster’s apron, was talking to Eamonn Holmes. Apparently the tasters tongue is insured for £1m (should give Eamonn something to consider!). According to Master Blender Sebastian Michaelis (who works for Tetley), there are four qualities he looks for in a tea: zing, colour, sparkle and body. Yesterday I shoveled thirty tons of oats, forgetting that twenty years ago it was manageable, but since I’m now well past my prime…

Oh good heavens I ache all over,
Like a MOT-failed Vauxhall Nova!
After shoveling oats I’ve lost my zing
My colour’s wasted, not charming!
I lost my sparkle years ago,
As for my body – you don’t want to know!
All I need to reconstitute me,
Is a revitalising cup of tasty tea!

…or multiple organ/body-part transplants!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Trouble in my Attic!

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Loft LadderI’ve been having trouble with my waterworks. This has forced me to spend time in solitary confinement in the attic. However remembering stuff when you are aged and have a leak is not easy…

I went up to the attic to fix a leak,
To complete a job that had waited a week.
When I arrived at the dripping site,
I’d forgotten the tools to put things right!
I climbed down the ladder onto the landing,
There were no tools where I was standing.
So down the stairs once again,
Outside by now it was pouring with rain.
I needed a coffee to quench my thirst,
But checked my emails on the laptop first.
A special offer caught my eye,
So onto a website (a toolbox to buy!)
Back to the kitchen where the door needed oiling,
Someone had left the kettle boiling!
Then upstairs to relieve my aching bladder,
Who left this tall extending ladder?
Went to flush the WC,
There was no water, oh dearie me!
Luckily the ladder was already in place
So I could go up to the dark loft space!
Tripped over the stopcock that was shut,
Whoever turned it off must be a mutt!
I told myself it couldn’t be me,
Because of my perfect memory!
I suddenly had this sinking feeling,
…just as the water dripped through the ceiling!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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