On The Beach in November!

Posted on November 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I went for a walk along the beach this morning. If I were honest I’d probably describe the weather as being on the bracing side. We watched as a dog repeatedly launched himself into the sea while its humans walked in the soft sand and shouted encouragement. But it was the beach huts that caught my attention, their bright colours and different shapes reminded me of seaside trips of my youth: all sand and squash!

When I was young,
A long time ago,
Out of season to the seaside,
My family would go.
We borrowed a cottage,
Not far from the sea,
Complete with shrimp nets,
And thermos for tea!
Out to the sand,
With shovel and rake,
Much hasty digging,
Sandcastles to make!
Back in the beach hut,
A large plastic jug,
Full of warm squash,
And the odd crawling bug!
But most of my memories,
Have melted away,
Along with the ice-lollys,
You can’t get today!
So here’s to the seaside,
It’s not Benidorm,
It’s mostly quite damp,
And not very warm!
…but we love it all the same!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Remembrance – part two

Posted on November 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

When on holiday do you plan your excursions or just let them happen? This morning Mrs Bard and I turned left (rather than yesterday’s right from Wells next the sea), and drove! Our only wish was to next to a war memorial at 11am, on the 11^th day of the 11^th month. Upon finding a deserted memorial in Burnham Market with some time to spare we wondered if we’d be part of a solitary vigil, with the residents at a memorial elsewhere. How pleased I was to be so wrong. We joined many people to remember…

At eleven O’clock
On the eleventh day,
of the eleventh month,

We stood in someone else’s town,
At someone else’s memorial,
Joining in someone else’s service,

And with them,
We remembered.

Some stood,
Around the memorial,
Some stood,
In shop doorways,
Some stood,
At a distance,
But all stood,
In silent memory.

Thank you Burnham Market,
Thank you Rev Graham Hitchins (ex Royal Marine),
We will remember them,
We won’t forget.

…and I remembered my son, lost not in war, but in peacetime but always remembered.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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British Railways 61572

Posted on November 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes when on holiday, corners bring unexpected sights! Today whilst meandering along the coast road between Wells Next the Sea and Cromer, Mrs Bard and I came across a railway bridge surrounded by men in orange reflective jackets. Thinking it was a meeting of the secretive Association of Rail-track Surveyors, I stopped to take a photo. Within seconds I realized I had stumbled upon something worth photographing as a steam train puffed along the tracks. What I didn’t know was that the sighting was a photographic event. A unique chance to see the engine in her British Rail livery for two days only, the way she would have been in 1948 shortly after nationalization…

Suddenly out of the blue,
Chuffs engine 61572!
For just two days,
Enthusiasts can gaze,
At the rarest delivery,
In British Rail livery!
Philistines like me,
Don’t realise what we see,
As we happen upon,
a rare phenomenon!
…thinking it’s just another steam train on the North Norfolk Railway!
What a wonderful sight for an old man like me!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Leave The Past Behind!

Posted on November 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever re-visited a place from your youth and found it had changed beyond recognition? The campsite where you spent your first ‘without-parent’ holiday, that you remember being in the middle of nowhere, is now a car park surrounded by high-rise hotels. The small village school you attended is now a thousand-student-plus academy! These are obscure examples but I bet you could add more? What about food memories? Mrs Bard and I were on the road yesterday and I treated her to a vintage lunch. She was NOT impressed that I chose to travel back in time at a once-famous roadside eatery…

“All-day Breakfast please,
and a burger for my wife!”
The waitress was disinterested,
we were interrupting her life!
As soon as it came to the table,
I groaned when I saw it was mine,
either my memory had adjusted,
or my tastes had differed with time.
I can’t even describe the ‘sausage’,
the taste was nowhere near Gold!
The mushrooms were for the high jump,
the potatoes tasted of mold!
So those who are healthy and haughty,
Will say I made a mistake,
I should have ordered a salad,
Or a coffee and small carrot cake!

…this time history will not be repeating itself like the All-day Breakfast did!
Lesson learnt – leave past hidden in box in attic!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Bean-Sweeping Fool!

Posted on November 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you a task that you hate doing at work? Is there a job that you’d pass on without a moments thought to the intern or office junior? I have and it’s called sweeping beans out of a silo. It is noisy, dusty and fills your hair with itchy bits of bean/straw/pod! Yesterday I looked around for someone to shoulder the task, but only saw myself in the tractor mirror! So into the bin I went. Job done I faced the problem of getting rid of the dust…

There’s an alien in the yard,
Dressed in overalls and looking marred,
His hair is having the worst of days,
He’s limping, muttering and in a daze!
He’s heading towards the workshop now,
Past the tractor, past the plough!
It looks like he’s about to inflate,
He’s grasping the air-line like a date!
Now he’s got the short air lance,
Building up pressure in advance,
Now he’s running it through his hair,
Dust and beans blow everywhere!
Now he’s blowing his overalls,
Must be a day for bean-sweeping fools!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

In Praise of Prawn Cocktail!

Posted on November 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some food-snobs who dismiss prawn cocktail on a menu as being either “steakhouse fodder for Tracy and Darren” or “oh, so Seventies dahling!” I don’t care if I’m thought of as being unfashionable. I’d also quite like to be Tracy and Darren’s age again thank you very much! I care little if the closest they get to haute cuisine is in a steakhouse or a repeat of Moldavian Masterchef on an obscure satellite channel. So crinkle the lettuce and reach for the Thousand Island, the starter is on its way…

Is a boy prawn called a cock?
And does he have a tail?
Perhaps he has a girlfriend,
Once frightened by a whale!
When he goes to bed,
Is his mattress made of lettuce?
Does he dream saucy dreams?
Containing spicy fetish!
Does he get back home?
Parents long in bed,
Having been out on the town,
Painting it green and red!

Darren’s taking Tracy,
Out on their first date.
He’s ordered prawn cocktail,
With a hope to consummate!
On the very next table,
From the hotel chain,
Roofers down from Salford,
Have ordered it once again!

So here’s to all Cocktailers,
From wherever you may hail,
We may not be the trendiest,
But we do love Prawn Cocktail!

Baldock’s Halloween Fun at the Engine!

Posted on November 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Many people dressed up last night for Halloween. I have also seen pictures of pets dressed in a similar fashion. However Baldock likes to be different and the landlords of the Engine pub have certainly proved the point by dressing up their pub as if they’re expecting a Zombie attack! When I first saw the results I thought it was just another case of refurbishment, however looking closely it is extremely clever and should be applauded…

Coming from the station,
On a warm Friday afternoon,
Unusual for the end of October.
Has Spring sprung too soon?
Walking down the station approach,
I realize with dread,
This is the night of Halloween,
The night of living dead!
I look at my fellow Rush-Hourers,
Sweating as they run,
How many of them are Zombies,
For trick or treating fun?
I reach the Engine public house,
I’m ready for a drink,
It’s boarded up for a Zombie attack,
My heart begins to sink!
Then suddenly I’m pulled inside,
Thank the Lord I’m safe,
“What can I get for you?”
From a welcoming face!
I look out through the boards,
At the Zombies heading home,
And thank heavens for the humour,
That the Engine pub has shown!
The Baldock Bard Gold Star is an occasional award when somebody or an organisation does something outstanding in their field and deserves commendation.
Previous Winners:
January 19^th 2014 – Parking Enforcement, St Neots
June 9th 2013 – Staff at the 3 Store, Stevenage
Nov 7th 2012 – Belinda at the Deli counter, ASDA Stevenage

Deep in the Fertilizer!

Posted on October 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a law that applies to much of what we do in life. It’s called ‘Sod’s Law of Probability’ and it states that: ‘If something can go wrong, it will go wrong!’ Yesterday morning bright and early, I took delivery of a load of fertilizer in one-tonne bags. I didn’t spear a bag with the JCB Loadall, I didn’t drop a single bag and the pile is still standing (3 miracles in a row!). However the driver of the lorry was having a different day. Having told me that he was ahead of schedule, his problems started…

I unloaded the bags,
And stacked them away,
Without a problem,
T’was a lucky Wednesday!
“Do you have wind?”
The driver enquired,
I wasn’t upset,
His wheel was flat-tyred!
“It looks like a flat,”
I offered advice,
Fine in a town,
On a farm isn’t nice!
I unraveled the pipe,
Started the compressor,
“I’ll need 140lbs!”
He said, meaning pressure!
When the flat tyre,
was up from the ground,
He bid me farewell,
With a slight hissing sound!
I hope he arrived safely,
At his next port of call,
Having taken Sod’s Law
Far beyond the farm wall!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Joy of (someone else’s) Pigs!

Posted on October 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I took my granddaughter to a proper farm! OK, I jest, we left our farm to visit to a farm in a local town that has animals. I’ve always been critical of these ‘farms’ in the past, however I now have to retract everything I’ve ever said about them as I had great fun. It was wonderful, for instance, to see pigs (the last pig left our farm over twenty years ago!), without the attached work, attendant smelly clothes and weekend duties! However some visitors were not so used to the antics they bring to the farmyard…

Pepa the pig reared up in her stall,
An horrific squeal she let out!
A passing visitor almost collapsed,
in an effort to get the hell out!
With foam at her mouth, evil sharp teeth displayed,
Pepa looked frightening large and obese,
But once she had food, she was docile and calm,
And the piggery returned to peace!

http://www.standalonefarm.com gets my vote as the perfect place to take children of any age (and adults too)!

In Praise of the Humble Cucumber!

Posted on October 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, Mrs Bard grew some cucumbers in our small greenhouse. She lovingly watered, fed and cared for them. When they were ready to pick, one by one they disappeared. When there was just one remaining she kept watch at the window. She was about to give up her vigil when she spied the culprit. Our cat had crept into the greenhouse and was chomping on the remaining cucumber. If it happens now we blame our granddaughter who is equally as fond of them as the cat all those years ago…

There’s nothing like cucumber,
If you’re standing in a queue,
Maybe at the airport,
On the way to Timbucktoo!

They also enjoy cucumber,
In Sandwich down in Kent,
They are so very fond of it,
They say it’s heaven sent!

You’ll always find cucumber,
When you have tea at the Ritz,
It goes so well with Earl Grey,
Better than any biscuits!

Let’s hear it for the cucumber,
It makes a salad green,
Between two sheets of soft white bread
It’s fit for a noble Queen!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs