The Reluctant Riser!

Posted on August 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I wanted to turn off the alarm, turn over and go back to sleep. It has been a busy fortnight harvesting and cultivating and my get-up-and-go was lying broken under the warm duvet. I lay there, realised that a couple of thousand people are relying on me to open two green gates and leapt out of bed…

Five-past five Saturday morning,
I stretch out my arm,
and attempt to curtail,
the bleedin’ alarm.
Still sleeping peacefully,
two dogs and my wife,
I want to turn over,
Continue dream life!

Dream life is peaceful,
Dream life is calm,
but dream life is stolen,
by the alarm.
In dream life you’re perfect,
incredibly wealthy,
in real life more important,
to be fit and healthy!

So up with the lark,
It’s dawn anyway,
out to the world,
To salute a new day!
New people to meet,
Some dark and some pale,
Laughter and fun,
at the Baldock Boot Sale.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Last Lap of Harvest 2014!

Posted on August 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We are racing the weather fronts again, as we dash to get all the beans from the field into the shed. In the store the beans are so noisy on their journey that noise-cancelling headphones are the order of the day (and Health & Safety requirement!). But from the road the scene is one of tranquility and harmony as the sun sets on another harvest…

There’s something about a combine,
That draws the ‘ooh’s and the aaah’s!’
Commuters back from the office,
Drive past in their company cars!

They don’t see the dust,
They don’t hear the noise,
But swoon at the machinery,
Like grown-up little boys!

Unwelcome Visitors!

Posted on August 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have been plagued with very large wasps for the last few weeks. The unwanted lodgers had moved in to the farmhouse via the high outside attic door. Despite several reminders to ‘sort the situation’, it remained unsorted until an ultimatum was posted. Swift action followed…

For quite some time (two months or more),
Large wasps have buzzed through the attic door.
Now being rather a coward of late,
I’ve been loath to investigate.
But recently we’ve had these pests,
Join us at mealtimes as unwanted guests.
Slowly they’d buzz around the room,
Chased by newspaper, magazine or broom!
“If you don’t do something about them today,
Then in the house alone you’ll stay!”
When this wifely threat in my ear rings,
I got on to Bugs ‘N’ Things!
Out they came, the nest attacked,
Very soon hornets bags were packed!
If you have unwanted guests give them a ring,
It’s much less painful than a Hornet sting!

Bugs ‘N’ Things operate in Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire, Essex, Northamptonshire, Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire, Leicestershire and across London. http://www.bugsnthings.co.uk

Plough Followers!

Posted on August 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I spent yesterday ploughing a field at the far end of the farm. It wasn’t long before I had company – a flock of seagulls. Many years ago I worked with a ploughman who hated them and would have ploughed them all in if he could. I like to see them, their variety alleviates the boredom of up and down, up and down, hour after hour at 4mph…

Watching seagulls follow the plough,
I sat back to wonder how,
They found the field with no communication,
Or indeed satellite navigation!
They squawk so I can’t say they tweet,
Which as a line would be quite neat!
They don’t have fingers to give you ‘the bird’,
And have no text to spread the word.
All I can say (and I could be wrong),
It took just minutes before they came along.
They don’t stare or perch in trees,
but steal seaside chips from OAP’s!
Some maintain they’re airborne rats,
Who frighten children, dogs and cats!
But all of this is forgotten now,
As I watch seagulls chase the plough!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

800 Not Out!

Posted on August 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Let me set the scene: it is well after midnight and I’m watching the grain store. The moon is completely surrounded by a watery glow, there is a gentle far-away roar of the combine harvester and we’re attempting to beat the rain that is forecast for 2am by harvesting into the night. I’m listening to Si Cranstoun singing ‘Caught in the Moonlight’, a merry little number that makes me almost want to dance (unfortunately not only am I allergic to dancing but it would also constitute a gross act of criminality in Health and Safety terms). Every so often my thoughts are interrupted by the tractor and trailer that spills yet more wheat into the intake pit and I’m forced to use a brush to sweep!
I open up my trusty dusty Mac and log onto my Bard page. Holy Moley Guacamole! I had no idea, this is my 800th daily offering…

I have published 800 verses
Call the doctor and the nurses!
Call the men in their white coats
Call the men who stare at goats!
Every morning come rain or shine
I compete another rhyme!
What I’ll write I never know
Look for a picture and off we go!
Sometimes funny sometimes sad
Sometimes good mostly bad!
Some hardy folk ask for more
Today’s is covered in dust from the store!
So thank you for reading this silly rhyme
I hope I’ll see you another time!
Postscript: The last wheat went into the barn just after 2.01am followed by rain at 2.10am. That’s a close call in anyone’s language! So that’s all the wheat in the barn, just beans to go and they’re still green!

We Shall Remember Them

Posted on July 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On July 20^th 1914, my grandfather started harvesting winter oats. He employed 23 men on the farm and most work was done by hand. It took a week to cut and cart 60 acres of oats. By the end of 1918 three of those men lay in unknown graves in Northern France.
Today we are starting our harvest 100 years later. By the end of today, three of us should have cut and carted to store 52 acres worth of oats.

Maurice Barnes, aged 34, died 23^rd April 1917
Albert Presland, aged 23, died 12^th March 1915
Harry Hollingsworth, aged 28, died 3^rd August 1916

At the going down of the sun,
And in the morning,
We shall remember them.
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Farmer’s Rash!

Posted on July 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have a rather nasty seasonal allergy at the moment. Its symptoms include: sleeplessness, sweating, worry and an unfortunate ability to make rash decisions due to blind panic. Harvest looks like it’s early for this region and I’m in headless-chicken mode…

I saw a combine and on came my condition,
I rushed out to a field to check on its position,
Is it ready for cutting or is it not?
Back to the farm, moisture meter I forgot!
If it’s sunny for the next few days,
Will we be ready to harvest raise?
It rained this morning, didn’t expect that,
Must recalculate my calculations, damn and drat!
But now it’s sunny, the heat is growing,
Will it make a difference that the wind’s not blowing!
Did I order diesel? Did I order oil?
Are there dust masks for the harvest toil?
When we start to cut, the panic suddenly goes,
Why another seasonal allergy? Heaven only knows!

Picture shows a neighbour combining in order to throw me into a blind panic!
Thankfully I have North Herts Farmers at the end of the phone to sort me out and calm me down! Thanks to all in the office!

The Farmer’s Tan!

Posted on July 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

At this time of the year a farmer’s tan comes with the job. Apparently (and I have to take this on trust as I’m allergic to mirrors), I look as if I should be toiling in Mediterranian fields rather than just outside Baldock! But put away all thoughts of a bronzed hunk and replace them with bronze hulk…

I’ve got a farmer’s tan
I guess it’s supposed to be
I’ve got it on my arms
And it’s on my knee
It starts when I go hay cart
And topped up during harvest
I know it could be much better
If I wore a singlet vest
Now that I am old
And I’ve wrinkles everywhere
Nobody notices my farmers tan
And I guess I just don’t care!

Abandoned Rose in the River

Posted on July 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was in a riverside pub garden recently when something colourful caught my eye. In an eddy behind a fallen tree, amongst the takeaway cartons, garden trimmings and general surface scum, was a single abandoned red rose. How it arrived there and why it had been rejected in such a startling manner, I could only imagine…

In the pub garden, by a river, the young couple sat,
watching the boats and stroking a cat!
The young man wondered, ‘when shall I ask?’
The girl gripped her vodka, her face a stone mask.
In a carrier by his feet, with some romantic prose,
a small dark blue box and a single red rose.

He dropped to one knee, holding rose and ring,
she hissed, “get up now, you ‘effin-daft thing!”
Without looking back, she made a dash for the door,
Leaving him certain, he would see her no more.
Ring back in his pocket, he flung the rose far,
into the river and walked alone to his car.

Another Wet Saturday Morning in Baldock!

Posted on July 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s always difficult to know whether to open the bootsale when the forecast is bad. What if they are wrong and it ends up as a sunny morning? What if I open and everyone’s goods get wet? Will the buyers come? I’m wrong if I do…

I’m wrong if I open and wrong if I don’t,
What if they come or what if they won’t?
I’ll open the gates and to hell with the rain,
It’s now falling hard will they come back again?
The sky over Baldock is black with clouds white,
Some folk are wrong when others are right!
Most customers have gone and here comes the sun,
I wore my new T Shirt and the colours have run.
So it’s back to the farm and the end of the rhyme,
You can’t please all people all of the time!

Two young ladies from the TV production company betty, turned up at the Baldock Bootsale this morning. They are looking for people to appear in the third series of the hit TV show ‘Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners’. If you think you fit the bill and would like to appear, get in touch with them on 02079070892 or e-mail clean@betty.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs