Matt the Happy Fisherman!

Posted on July 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I came across a remarkable scene. Friend Matt was lying stretched out in his small dingy, megaphone in hand, talking to the fish in the river. I quietly snuck away and called for help, I had no idea that communication with fish was possible…

A fisherman I know has a birthday today,
He’s tall and quiet, not much to say!
He has a skill that may astonish:
He is able to talk to fish!
Out in his boat with a megaphone,
They seem unable to use the phone!
He shouts quite loud so it appears,
Because of course they have no ears!
He splashes the water to take a look,
“Get ready my beauties to take my hook!”
Of fish on his plate there’s a lack,
Because of course he throws them back.
After spending many hours with hook and bait,
An Indian take-away is on his plate!

Happy Birthday to Matt, ‘The Happy Fisherman!’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
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Every Saturday until October!
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Putting Baldock on the Map!

Posted on July 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I always used to believe that there was only one Baldock in the world. Not being high on the list of my discoveries in life, it floated in and out of sight for years. The other day a search for a weather forecast produced a list of available Baldocks! I was shocked at the number and variety of locations that shared the name. The same night it appeared on our local forecast (a very rare event), a sign that I should search…

We used to say “where’s Willy?”
And look in a crowd so hard,
Have you ever wondered where Baldock is?
And how close to your back yard?

There’s Baldock, a town in England,
And one in South Carolina,
An island and lake in Manitoba,
Not where you’d find a miner!

There’s a Baldock Airport in Kansas,
With a chapel in Kentucky,
A ditch and stream flow through Oregon,
Next to a Baldock tree?

There’s an historical post office in Kentucky,
But the furthest away I can tell,
Is about six hundred miles north of Perth,
And they call it Baldock Well!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Some Folks Are Never Satisfied!

Posted on July 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

One of the joys of life is that we have no idea what is on the menu for tomorrow. This is probably a very good thing! Yesterday morning I thought I was ahead of the game and started to have a relaxing Friday. Little did I know…

Sitting in the office, contemplating playing Patience,
When there was a call, my father was now a patient.
Was about to leave, make a rush to A&E,
When I notice my beloved I-Phone, had no signal I could see.
I spoke to ‘customer service’ my patience sorely tested,
Wishing I’d checked before, not left my phone untested!
Arrived at the hospital, to hear lots of complaining,
About time wasted waiting, even though outside it’s raining!
A disgruntled poorly patient complains for all to hear,
“I’m not going in any waiting room this side of next year!”
I suggested that he enjoyed, this remarkable stroke of luck,
That he wasn’t in America, where first they ask for buck!
And then and only then, would treatment start,
Where here they are already, monitoring his heart!
So here’s to the NHS, of which we oft complain,
If you don’t like it, tough, you should go and catch a plane!

Written in the A&E department of a local hospital where all I could hear was complaining, while all around doctors and nurses dashed too and fro treating the sick. We should be thankful for the availability of treatment for all, provided by the NHS.

The Loneliness of the Long Distance Swimmer!

Posted on July 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

When most people want to visit France their travel arrangements are straightforward. Options include plane, train or automobile. Not friend Charlotte! For the last year she has been in training to swim the English Chanel from Dover to Calais. What started as a bullet point on her bucket list is about to come to fruition in the next few weeks. Last night I watched as she did some drink training off a narrow boat in the River Great Ouse in Cambridgeshire. Her mother, Sheila, swung the bottle on a rope while onlookers watched the almost comical act that is so vital during the many lonely hours of a channel swim…
Charlotte is on her way to France,
stroke by stroke will she advance.
She’s swum many hours in Dover Harbour,
The thought of waves doesn’t dampen her ardour!
Her little yellow cap bobs on the water,
Her mother throws drink at her daughter!
Very soon it’ll be for real,
Dover Beach might seem surreal,
And ‘plop’ into the water she’ll dive,
The last touch of land ‘till the other side.
Many hours later she’ll be a winner,
And know the loneliness of the long distance swimmer!
If you want to know how and why go to: http://www.chchch.co.uk
If you would like to donate to her worthy causes and help her on her way: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/CharlotteBenton
GO CHARLOTTE!

The Agricultural Show-goers!

Posted on June 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day in the blazing sunshine I went to an agricultural show. It is a great place to ‘people watch’ as farmers these days come in all shapes, sizes and by no means all wear tweed! I happened to spot a couple that were not wearing matching agricultural uniform, this lead me to write this…

A young farmer that I know,
Took a girl to an agricultural show.
When she asked him what she should wear,
He said “anything I don’t care!”
When she asked him what she’d see,
He said “plenty, including me!”
“There’ll be cows and bulls, sheep and rams,
Oh! And pigs for quite exquisite hams!
Then there’ll be combine harvesters, tractors and ploughs,
And all sorts of gadgets for milking cows!
There’ll be balers for straw and turners for hay,
Loaders and chasers to cart it away!
But above all else and this is true,
The most important thing there will be you!”

So she spent all day tramping around,
Following his progress on the showground.
As he chatted with reps who explained their machines,
She fumed because she could have worn jeans!

Is It All Over? It Is Now!

Posted on June 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Anything with the faintest resemblance to a flag of St George is suddenly in the recycling or remainder bin. Is it too much to hope that its association with a bunch of over-paid, under-achieving, surrender-boys is over? In most parts of this country the sound of ‘En-Ger-Lund, En-Ger-Lund, En-Ger-Lund’ is enough to induce desperation…

“Flags half price! Support your National Team!
You don’t have to be Mancurian or live down in Cheam!
Enjoy your favourite cuppa from an En-Ger-Land mug,
And you’ll be reminded, they went right down the plug!”
“Hey! Lady, like a hat? Down from two-ninety-nine,
Or a large England glass holds a bottle of wine!
Or one used manager, for just 3.5 million pound,
Like a virgin, never progressed, past the first round!”
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Angry Pavement Riders!

Posted on June 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was walking down the high street of a local town yesterday when I was sworn at by a Scooterist. My crime, although not obvious to me at the time, was walking on a pavement. Apparently I should have known that the fat-chariot was behind me and dived out of the way. The mobility scooters have the ability to give the elderly their freedom, however they are given a bad name by the angry brigade who are often obese and should be walking…

I was walking down the high street yesterday,
When a woman on a scooter yelled: “Get out my ‘effin way!”
I was so surprised while carrying my heavy load,
That I stepped out of her way right into the busy road.

She laughed so much that she begin to shake,
She could have run a chip shop as the fat did wobble make!
She continued on her way shouting, I think she said ‘Fork!’,
It would have made her healthier if she’d been made to walk.

As I raised up my camera the woman filled the shot,
She turned around to swear, “You’d better ‘effin not!”
By then the shot was ruined, the focus wouldn’t be,
I gave up, turned around, and went off home for tea!

The rules of civilization don’t seem to apply to them,
As they terrorise the pavement, fat women and fat men,
But why be so angry, why do they have to scream and shout
The burger bars are opening, they think they might run out!

*Picture above – Serving suggestion only!

Forty-Eight Years Later…!

Posted on June 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Forty-eight years ago I was given a First Day Cover where the General Post Office had over-printed a stamp with ‘England Winners’. This simply altered stamp rather sums up the difference between then and now. In those days footballers earned a wage, it was the greatest honour to represent their country, tackles on the pitch were crunching and it was not unusual for them to run a pub on retirement. Such a far cry from todays touch-and-fall-to-‘win’-a-penalty, media-posing, Wag-posturing, prima-donnas, where even the manager earns over £67,000 a week. So much has changed in nearly fifty years, many things for the better, but some of the changes make you wonder…

Sea lions on their shirts
And they’re coming home,
They should have stayed in Brazil,
By beating the team from Rome!
There’ll be calls to retire the manager,
To a bungalow by the sea,
Where in a wingback chair he can dribble,
No chance of a penalty!
However they’ve one remaining fixture,
Before they board the plane,
Perhaps they can share the aircraft,
With the exiting team from Spain.

…hopefully better luck next time!

The Pirate and the Grandfather!

Posted on June 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I spent time with my nineteen-month-old granddaughter. We sang, we laughed, we growled, we walked and we played pirates. I had a great time! However, like eating too much cheese before bedtime, all this exuberance led to some very strange dreams…

T’was the middle of the night,
About a quarter past three,
When I awoke in my bedroom,
A pirate looking at me!

“Your money or your life” he growled,
In his piratical way,
“You’d better make your mind up fast,
I haven’t got all day!”

“You’re a no-good landlubber,
Aaarh’s what I have to say!
I’ll see you walk the plank,
If you fail to pay!”

I’d had quite enough:
“Don’t be such a muppet!
You haven’t got a backbone,
You’re just a finger puppet!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Thirty Days of Heaven (or Hell!)

Posted on June 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Twenty-three English footballers are in Brazil to play in the World Cup. Tomorrow evening the streets will become deserted as many watch them play their first match against Italy. The hopes of a Nation are resting, blah, blah, blah, however…

It’s football, football, football,
Football all the way,
World Cup fever’s here again,
Final: 30 days away!
No other sport will exist,
Some will moan and say,
“Not more ‘effin football,”
How badly can they play!
However things could be different,
If England win (let’s say!),
The Nation will be rejoicing,
And all will shout “Hooray!”
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Ye Olde British Customs