It was my fault – when in Baldock yesterday lunchtime, I wished the girl behind the counter at the bank a ‘Happy Weekend’. In the same way as if you find a coin on the pavement, someone has been a loser – to be joyful about the end of the week is asking for trouble. Just after the clock struck: “STOP TAKING CALLS – NOW’ at Health Centre’s up and down the country, I discovered that I had lost a filling in a tooth (before my American readers ask – what is a filling? It is something that we British, having crap teeth, get from the dentist for being bad). I was in trouble. After doing the online calculation at isthisreallyanemergency.com, I was destined to ring on Monday morning for an appointment sometime in the next ten days. I had two choices: either I went on a no liquids, no solids diet until whatever day I could get an appointment or Home Dentistry for Beginners, here I come…

Was on a Friday evening,
The dental surgery closed,
I suddenly felt a damn great hole,
Somewhere behind my nose!
My tongue went in and explored the hole,
Was jagged as a rocky sea,
Typically it was after hours,
Sometimes luck can’t be!

So I reached for the repair kit,
Next to the tyre spare,
Plenty of Plumbers Mate,
But lack of tooth repair!
So down to the pharmacy,
They had stocks a-plenty,
They all said it wouldn’t last,
A temporary al dente!

So I played self-dentist,
Didn’t have a clean white coat,
My hands were shaking like a leaf
Applying the undercoat!
I managed to attack the hole,
I filled it with white paste,
It also repaired my nose, my lips,
Now it’s all that I can taste!
…and I’m off to face the dentist and explain what this white car-body-filler-type-stuff is doing spread liberally across my mouth and face!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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