The One-Winged Bandit!

Posted on June 7, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Here on the farm we seem to have gained the reputation as a sanctuary for birds who are abandoned, un-loved or poorly. Our latest recruit is a goose who had a nasty operation that ended with the removal of a wing. As he is now in possession of just one ‘arm’ naturally he had to be called ‘Bandit’ (after the fruit machine). He has settled in and is now a fully-fledged member of the much-feared Goose Gang…

Bandit strolls around the farm,
an exaggerated stagger as only one ‘arm’!
He’s slowly joining in with the gang,
as around the pond they hang,
of his bravery there is no lack,
he fights with one ‘arm’ behind his back!

Have a great day and stay safe

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Betty’s Yeti!

Posted on June 5, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day we took a friend to a local garage to look at a Skoda Yeti. If you remember the 70’s and 80’s, every single motoring joke was about a Skoda (eg why does a Skoda have a heater rear window – to keep your hands warm when you push-start it on a winter’s morning! etc. etc. ad nauseam). These days the joke is on other manufacturers. It may be because I’m old, but I was impressed, so was our friend. As a result there will be sightings of a Yeti in London, sleek and silver without the shaggy hair…

A friend has bought a Yeti,
(no, her name’s not Betty!)
No long hair,
like a bear,
the Yeti isn’t sweaty!

Yet again I find myself having to apologise for the quality, one can only hope and pray for better results tomorrow! Best wishes BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
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‘Tut-Tuting’ in the Queue!

Posted on June 4, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

More and more people seem to have less and less time on their hands these days. A two minute wait at traffic lights or a queue of more than four customers at the bank leads to much ‘tut-tutting!’ This seems to be most prevalent at the supermarket check-out…

Sunday morning at the basket checkout,
an old man with full basket makes another want to shout!
Then horror of horrors he’s not weighed his veg,
and some in the queue move closer to the edge!
Then the weigher doesn’t weigh and is broken down into parts,
resulting in a queue of irate olden-farts!
They have time during the week to do their shopping,
but at the weekend it’s the aisles they are a-clogging!
When they start to tut I remember a quote to fit:
‘When God made time he made plenty of it!’

Have a great day and watch out for me ‘tut-tutting’ at the checkout! Apologies yet again for the poor quality of the verse this morning, it reminds me never to give up my day job!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
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Where Old Caravans go to Die!

Posted on June 1, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Walking the dogs this week in rural Cambridgeshire, I came across an abandoned caravan in a small yard miles from anywhere. Such is life, that once you spot one, you spot more and by yesterday I’d seen more abandoned caravans than one could sake a stick at. I came to the conclusion in the middle of the night that I’d discovered where old caravans go to die…

I was awake and in my mind’s eye,
I wondered where caravans go when they die,
when you stop to look and stare,
you see dead caravans everywhere.

They remember a time,
when the kids were both young,
old-fashioned holidays,
in the rain and the sun,
such great excitement,
with Lucy and Lance,
queuing at Dover,
before a ferry to France.
Life slowed down,
when the kids left home,
Sid and Betty,
were left on their own,
gentle weekends,
with the caravan club,
a few days away,
in a field by a pub.
Sid stopped driving,
and Betty didn’t tow,
sold the van to a rider,
to take to a show,
but then the rider,
got bored with her horse,
the caravan now lays abandoned,
between the elder and gorse.

…as for boats,
it’s different I think,
they just give up,
and finally sink!

If you’ve been away in a caravan for Half-Term I hope you had a wonderful time and brought back many wonderful memories.

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
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‘Snappy’ to the Rescue!

Posted on May 29, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week the GDPR regulations came into force for businesses in the UK. As far as I was aware, the only information we stored for the car boot sales was a list of mobile numbers. Therefore I sent out a text that included the following:
‘All we have is a list of mobile numbers stored on an i-Phone which is kept at night in the cage that holds our pet crocodile, Snappy, and we will never ever give your number to anyone else because you are our friend’
From texts received it would seem that Snappy has a number of fans out there, but even if he’s not real, it can do you good to keep your very own ‘Snappy’ in reserve…

If you’ve ever dealt with complaints before,
and not wished to hear just one word more,
what you need are some sharp teeth,
a trap door with a croc beneath!
Even if this croc isn’t real,
pretend it is and better you’ll feel,
reach for that lever in your mind,
and leave the complaints far behind!

He may squeal,
He may shout,
but you have let,
your ‘Snappy’ out!

Have a great day and don’t let those complaints get you down!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
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The Working Mum

Posted on May 25, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Whenever Mrs Bard and I visit friends by the river, we also see a very busy housewife. She is out at work all day, in the evenings she spends her time either doing housework or raising her young. It is a relentless life, making her an un-sung hero…

Mrs Moorhen works all day,
at the River Bank,
her husband is not around,
she looks and draws a blank!
She hurries to pick up the kids,
from the local school,
they are all doing well,
apart from Frank who is a fool!
Then it’s home for supper,
food is on the table,
the kids all complain again,
apart from a quiet girl called Mabel.
Then at last they’re fast asleep,
she checks that they’re all fine,
creeps down to the kitchen,
and sinks a glass of wine!

Written in appreciation of all mothers! May you all have a great weekend (along with the odd glass of wine).

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
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A Big Girls Toy!

Posted on May 24, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Like many farmers I have been used to driving large machines all my life, the bigger the better. Some say that, although over sixty, I’m still a big kid. Give me a combine harvester or tractor to drive and I’m still in seventh heaven. This week I watched a large crane in action lifting a 19 ton narrowboat out of the water at a marina in Cambridgeshire. The crane was manoeuvred with consummate skill by a girl, I was insanely jealous…

Marie hops up to the crane cab door,
you can tell she’s done this job before,
she is dwarfed by the enormous machine,
she’s petite and her clothes are clean!
There’s a roar from the mighty beast,
sounds like a thousand horsepower at least!
then very gently (as it oughta),
the narrow boat slowly leaves the water!

With grateful thanks to Marie, her skill and mighty machine put me and my little Loadall well into the shade! Marie and her crane can be found at Westview Marina, Erith in Cambridgeshire www.westviewmarina.co.uk/
© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
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The Multi-Tasking Failure!

Posted on May 22, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

I spent last Saturday on a narrow boat moored beside a butter-cup-laden grass field at Hemmingford in Cambridgeshire. As well as being the day of a certain well-publicised royal wedding, it was also my wife and my 39^thwedding anniversary. How she has put up with me for all those years I’ll never fully understand. However I was on my best behavior and things were going well until I took our two terriers for a long walk…

A farmer you know walked two terriers on leads,
from a distance you could hear his cussing and pleads!
You also notice he’s on the phone,
a multi-tasking man out on his own!
He meets a couple with a puppy in tow,
quite well behaved no lead don’t you know,
all of a sudden a terrier breaks free,
it’s collar’s empty on the lead now you see!
The two absconders run out of sight,
a shaggy black puppy and terrier with fight,
thankfully they run to the farmer’s wife on her boat,
when he finally arrives (I’m not going to quote!),
she note from his breathlessness not all’s gone to plan,
“You can’t multi task because you are a man!”

Have a terrific Tuesday and if things go wrong, don’t admit you were on the phone!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
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Wedding Days!

Posted on May 17, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

It is ironic that this weekend when millions are watching a certain wedding on TV, I, in my little corner of the world, have my mind firmly fixed on a wedding in a little Welsh village on the 19th May 1979 (also at 12 noon).
Have you ever looked at a photograph and wondered ‘what was I thinking at that moment?’ in an attempt to remember your thoughts at an important moment in your life.
The picture above shows me with semi-wet hair at the moment we said ‘I Do’.
All our lives are truly unique. We all have sunny days but when the storm hits the only option is to cling together and wait patiently for the rainbow and sunshine that always follows.
There is only one preparation for a life like this: Choose your partner well by choosing your best friend.
After all these years I can look back at this photo and know what I was thinking: “I’m so lucky she’s just said ‘yes!'”

I’M STILL AS LUCKY TODAY!

Have a great weekend and enjoy ‘that other wedding!’

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
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until October 20th^thOctober 2018
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It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
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The Hooded Camera

Posted on May 17, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Driving along the A1 trunk road yesterday, I noticed that many of the speed cameras were hooded. Were they jealous of their cousins who get to go to weddings, parties and happy occasions? Had they seen something that had made them need counselling? Maybe they were no longer needed as a deterrent as everyone now slows down to half the speed limit? Perhaps those in charge should remove them and erect them next to local schools or give them a holiday? I am confused…

The cameras are all covered,
to protect them from what they’ll see,
maybe it’s an order,
to make them more P.C.?
They’re nowhere near a school,
old folks home or suchlike,
a footbridge over the carriageway,
so no toddlers on a trike.
If I were in charge of cameras,
I would cut a hole,
and catch out all the speeders,
with increased police patrol!

If you’re travelling today please take care and arrive at your destination safely. Arriving late is better than not arriving at all.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20th^thOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD