Grandad’s New Mobile Phone!

Posted on May 26, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Just three days ago I could have written all I know about diabetes on the back of a proverbial postage stamp. My diet, although fairly standard, contained more sugar than a field of sugarbeet! Tuesday was a game-changer in many ways (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=9571) and the new-improved, healthy, Bard Mk2 is up and running (well not quite running, don’t want to overdo it you know!). My latest addition to my collection of electrical gadgetry immediately caught my granddaughters eye…

“Grandad’s got a new mobile!
Can I have his old one?
The screen’s not as big,
for watching Peppa Pig,
will reflect too much in the sun!

What are you doing now Grandad?
Why are you wincing like that?
What was that click?
was it sweets made you sick?,
I’ll fetch you a plaster for that!”

Step away from those sweets and fizzy drinks!
Oh alright then, have one for me!!
That’s the last of ‘Holier-Than-Thou’ Bard!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Hazel Hen and the Wedding!

Posted on May 25, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Every morning I look through a few photographs, normally taken within the last few days, to kick start some words. Yesterday in the farmyard I happened to come across Hazel Hen, she was looking particularly glamorous, I thought she looked as if she was off to a wedding, what with the fancy hat and stunning dress. This morning I downloaded the picture and the words flowed…

Hazel Hen was off to a wedding,
she put on her very best hat,
the dress she bought from a charity shop,
You can’t get much better than that!
She cried when the bride kissed the bridegroom,
threw confetti on the church path,
tittered during the speeches,
“it’s great to have a good laugh!”
Then it was time for the dancing,
she whirled around the dance floor,
her hat and dress were a shambles,
by midnight couldn’t take any more!

This morning her world is all noisy,
she’s taken more than one pill,
but Friday she’s off to a nightclub,
She’s a game bird who’s up for a thrill!

If you’re off to a wedding anytime soon, enjoy and make sure you let yourself go on the dance floor!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Fraudulent Farmer!

Posted on May 24, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I feel like a fraud. Yesterday and this morning I have taken up valuable NHS time in our local hospital when I don’t feel ill, nor do I have anything broken! Yesterday (as a bit of a joke because they’d borrowed a machine and knowing my love of anything sugary) Mrs Bard and Daughter Bard gave me a blood-sugar test. Apparently according to those in the know, the result should have read between 5-6, therefore the 28.9 set alarm bells going and I found myself frog-marched to A&E in very short order, despite feeling fine and normal…

It was as if it wasn’t me,
lying on a bed in A&E!
Never before have I given a blood sample,
I suppose at least I have an armful.

As a farmer the sight of blood makes me faint,
as an amateur patient brave I ain’t!
The things that always amaze me still,
the bravery of others who are seriously ill.

The nurse and doctors in the blue-curtained stall,
age creed or race they’ll treat them all.
Of course it is Britain’s greatest success,
Our wonderful and vital NHS.

So it looks as it’s goodbye to old abusive friends such as fizzy drinks, doughnuts, wine gums and Wagon Wheels.
With thanks to all the caring professionals at the Lister Hospital, Stevenage for their patience and care.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

A Day Off?

Posted on May 22, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

As my Saturdays are spent running the Baldock car boot sale, Mrs Bard and I sometimes take Monday off in liew. This is all very well until my untroubled morning is interrupted by the phone and reality pokes its head above the parapet…

No commute for me this morning,
Decided to take the whole day off!
Watch drivers queuing at the junction,
They look with envy – don’t they scoff!
The trouble with living ‘above the shop’
(Or on the farm it’s just the same),
There are always jobs you should be doing,
Like sweeping the farmyard in the rain!
So this morning I’m taking it easy,
A leisurely coffee, “that’s great!” I say,
Then the phone interrupts the silence,
And my day off fades away!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Doughnuts with Caramel Sauce!

Posted on May 20, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

We all have a favourite place to go to celebrate a birthday, anniversary or even just a Friday or weekend! Mrs Bard and I have sometimes driven thirty-five miles out of Baldock, almost to Newmarket, to eat out at the Hole In The Wall at Little Wilbraham, on the flimsiest of excuses! Yesterday was our 38th Wedding Anniversary, so it was a no-brainer when I wondered where to take the family for lunch to celebrate this milestone.

Alex Rushmer and his crew,
always take such care of you.
It’s no hardship, none at all,
to enjoy a lunch at the Hole in the Wall.

A Masterchef finalist in Twenty-Ten,
his food’s so good we go back again!
To cap it off we choose (of course!)
his famous Doughnuts with Caramel Sauce!

So thanks to everyone for a great lunch,
you are all such an amazing, welcoming bunch!
Added to that a great list of wine,
can’t wait to come back one more time!

Alex and the Crew are at The Hole in the Wall, Little Wilbraham, CB21 5JY. http://www.holeinthewallcambridge.com
You’d better hurry before they run out of Doughnuts!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

38 Years Ago!

Posted on May 19, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

It is pure coincidence that my 1,500th blog posting has landed fairly and squarely on May 19th. This was the day, thirty-eight years ago, that Mrs Bard said those fatal words “I do” (or rather I think she said those words, as she was speaking Welsh at the time!) Fast forward to May 19th 2017 and she’s still by my side. Considering what I am like, this is no mean feat and one of remarkable courage and tolerance. It is ever-more remarkable when in those days I looked like an extra from the film ‘Planet of the Apes’…

Thirty-eight years today,
I stood beside a bride,
in a village in South Wales,
feeling most nervous deep inside!
When it came to say ‘I do!’
what I can’t ignore,
(I had expected the bride,
to make a dash out through the door!)

Thirty-eight years later,
she’s still by my side,
we’ve been through a lot,
but she’s still my amazing bride!

Have an amazing day and appreciate the one you love.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Three Thieves!

Posted on May 18, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I have never been a quality fisherman (or writer!), I lack the one characteristic needed: patience! I was looking through some photos this morning, desperate to fill my 1,499^th posting, when I came across a shot I’d taken on the river of three thieves! Now all I had to do was find suitable words, force them to rhyme and I’d be away…

Three crazy fishermen,
John, Ben and Mike,
always swallow what they catch,
especially a pike!
They don’t care where they fish,
river, lake or pond,
they arrive at a competition,
and fish just beyond!
They never use a rod,
fish without bait all day,
never feel the need to brag about,
‘the one that got away!’

Have a great day and if you’re going to act like a Cormorant, just don’t get caught!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Joy of a Blocked Drain!

Posted on May 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning the sky is dark, there is a mist hanging over the wood and it has been raining overnight. A quick look around the yard shows up a blocked drain, there are even puddles on the drive and the geese and ducks are smiling…

I never thought I’d be so pleased,
to find a blocked drain.
Overnight,
we’ve had 11mm of rain!
That’s more than I’ve seen,
In the last 30 days,
(says he shouting:
Hip Hip Hourays!)

I wondered if it would rain,
again this year,
…so out with the waterproofs,
I’ve a drain to clear!

Sidney Snail at the Boot Sale!

Posted on May 15, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Last Saturday my four-year old granddaughter helped me clear up the litter after the car boot sale I organise near Baldock. She was well on the way to a Gold Star when she shouted “over here!” Expecting treasure or failing that, some gold Roman coins, I was slightly bemused to see a snail making its way through, what to him must have seemed like, a forest complete with giant daisies…

While clearing up litter after the car boot sale,
Grand-daughter and I came across Sidney Snail.
“Hello! you two,” he shouted at us,
“If you’re after bargains, you’ve missed the bus!”
“Not at all Sidney,” replied granddaughter with a titter,
“everyone’s gone, we’re picking up litter!
all we’ve found so far to be true,
some bags of dog muck, butt ends and you!
However if you’re hungry look over there,
a half-eaten burger overlooked by a hare!”
“Why thank-you young Miss I’ll be moving along,
see you next week, stay safe and stay strong!”

… and with that he put his motorhome into gear and off he toddled!

Rain Rain!

Posted on May 13, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

We are looking forward to a super-soaking-shower in order to cure all the ills that are afflicting the crops on the farm, namely lack of rain! When spreading fertiliser on Thursday the drone footage showed up all the stressed areas of the crops as being almost yellow. This is purely down to only having only 9mm of rain (less than a quarter of normal) since March 23rd, in what should have been a period packed full of April showers. However even though we are desperate, we can be picky…

“Rain, rain come today,”
Not today it’s Saturday!
Maybe when the bootsale’s over,
you can make your way from Dover!
If this morning from France you’re sent,
spend the morning down in Kent!
Lets us have a weekend fun-day,
you can send all you like on Monday!

One good thing about the weather
…politicians control it? Please not ever!

Have a great weekend wherever you are and may your plans not be spoiled by either weather or politicians! Stay safe and enjoy yourselves!