Rainy Days and Mondays!

Posted on November 21, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you sometimes find that Mondays can be tough when you’ve been away? This morning I shall probably have to jump start myself in order to have any chance of achieving anything. It doesn’t help that my prayers have finally been answered in the weather department, showing up leaking gutters and blocked drains…

Monday morning work again,
dark dank morning pouring with rain!
Last month I prayed for raindrops to plop,
now I fear it won’t know when to stop!
Just shows ‘be careful for what you ask’,
for nature may take you to task,
so looking towards the sky refrain,
from shouting loudly: “Where’s my rain?”

Have a great Monday, just ignore the rain, it’s my fault, I’m sorry! Have a rainbow to brighten your day!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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In The Digital Darkness!

Posted on November 19, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

For the last eight days I have been in IT darkness! Mrs Bard and I rented an apartment in a Norfolk seaside town and I couldn’t find a way to attach my Macbook to the wifi. My iPhone would only find a signal through an outstretched arm on the balcony and there was no postbox in sight. So those who foretold of my untimely demise are to be disappointed, I am back…

I cannot believe I’d ever feel this way,
with no means of communication on holiday,
but when I got used to having no signal,
I had time to read upon my Kindle!
Mealtimes had no interruptions,
no viruses worms or other corruptions!
Wherever we went in this iPhone nation,
people were texting with no conversation!
Youngsters sat around cafe table,
clicking and clacking – speech not able!
Now I’m home I have to say,
I was most relaxed on my i-Free holiday!

With thanks to those who e-mailed to enquire about my general state of health, I hope you all enjoy a relaxing weekend.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Fields of Brown!

Posted on November 9, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Photo from new DJI Mavic Drone

By this stage in the autumn an arable farmer’s fields should be green with winter wheat. Ours are still brown (when seen from the drone). The lack of rain has postponed emergence in parts of the fields and we were desperate for rain. Having had almost no decent rainfall for 66 days the heavens opened overnight…

Putting out the puppy,
early in the morning,
I wondered why my hair was wet,
without a hint of warning!

Then I realised with a shock,
the rain was pouring down,
I almost danced a jig right there,
in my dressing gown!

16 millimetres in the gauge,
that’s a good start for ten!
I grabbed the naughty puppy,
and went back to bed again!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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On The Doorstep!

Posted on November 8, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

I wonder what’s on your doorstep these days? There is unlikely to be a milk bottle in a carrier with an adjustable number to show pints needed from the milkman. it is also doubtful that there is a boot jack and scraper as we all live antiseptic lives, with car-carpet to house-carpet on nice clean concrete. Our farmhouse doorstep can be shambolic…

They’ve been for a walk I see,
discarded wellies, A-B-C!
They are left where they fell,
will they be removed who can tell!
But it’s a sign,
we all can see,
our daughter’s family,
has come to tea!

…and it’s a wonderful sight! If you have visitors today, enjoy!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Dashing Deer!

Posted on November 4, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

There are times when a picture isn’t worth a thousand words. The other day Mrs Bard and I were driving down a narrow country road when suddenly a deer leapt out from behind a hedge, and with no regard to the finer points of the Highway Code, ran across the road in front off the car. This was caught on the Dashcam but lacked any Hollywood action…

The Dashcam was ready to capture evidence,
when the deer jumped over the roadside fence,
all the action was ‘caught on card’
claiming for this would have been very hard!
The ‘other driver’ was uninsured,
would have sped off before getting bored,
A simple photo has somewhat masked it,
“What was that? Damn and Blast-it!”
But nothing happened no contact made,
So just a deer picture I’m afraid,
but much relief upon my part,
an un-injured deer did depart!

If you’re driving along a country road, please be aware that you might come across a dashing deer. Please stay safe out there.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Doctor Says…!

Posted on November 3, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

There is an old joke where a doctor is seeing a patient before surgery: “I’m pleased to say, Mr Jones, that after surgery you’ll be able to play the violin.” “That’s remarkable doctor, that’s one thing I couldn’t do before!” Yesterday I went ploughing with my recently repaired tractor and achieved the neatest ploughing ever. I had to record the moment with my camera. Maybe it has something to do with the ‘Tractor-Doctors’ who effected the repair…

I looked behind from the tractor seat,
the furrows I could see were straight and neat,
I could ‘see’ a big cup in a ploughing match,
(turned out to be tea, not a good catch!)
I took a photo it was such a surprise,
shame that the sun had been in my eyes!
Looking at the photo on the computer screen,
was like the big fish the fisherman’s never seen!
So I’ve not sent off the ploughing match’s entry letter
for fear of the reply – ‘Could do better!’

If you’re driving past the farm, please don’t judge the ploughing on School Field, or if you do, please be kind and pretend it’s not mine!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Coming Home!

Posted on November 2, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I went to fetch my repaired tractor, it was as if an old friend had been away on holiday! The tractor-doctors had worked their magic and it drove as if new! Now I can rush around again, finish the ploughing, do some grass topping and put her back into the barn for the winter…

Picked up an old friend from near Luton Airport,
She looks good from her holiday or so I thought!
We drove back through Offley and then through Hitchin,
performance was good – no scratching or itching!
Until distracted by the radio putting the world to rights,
I went and stalled the tractor at busy traffic lights!
I’d been thinking I looked cool in my farmer’s hat,
I now knew I’d overstepped the mark …I just looked a prat!

Thanks to all who managed to get the tractor repaired in time to get the ploughing done before rain and to Jonny who made it sparkle like new!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Shocking Journey!

Posted on November 1, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had to drive to Hertford. It was a pleasant journey and I found myself absent-mindedly singing behind the wheel. I was shocked when I realised I was singing a ditty written by a French teacher some 50 years ago that had lain undisturbed amongst the cobwebs of my mind ever since. Then another surfaced, it upset the natural equilibrium of my journey and made me wonder if I had continued driving what was going to appear next, (all the more shocking as my academic prowess was the equivalent to Z minus!)…

Masculine singular nothing at all,
Masculine plural add ‘S’ or you’ll fall,
Feminine singular kindly add ‘E’,
for the Feminine plural add ‘ES’ you see!

also…

Qui never contracts,
Qui never contracts,
You can contract Que,
as much as you like,
But Qui never contracts!

When I arrived home I sought out my school English-French Dictionary to see if I’d written down these ditty’s and found no trace. So if you’re struggling with French grammar this morning (as we all are in our daily lives!), have this one on me!

© Le Bard du Baldock 2016
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Urgent Upgrade For: Daughter App!

Posted on October 31, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Parents who have downloaded the app: DAUGHTER, are advised to install this latest update. This includes a short guide to dealing with a new virus that could turn your lovely, beautiful, charming darling into a snarling spiteful monster when a particular ‘software’ request goes unheeded…

Various methods to diagnose the presence of ‘WANT PUPPY!’ in your daughter:

Drop the word ‘PUPPY’ into conversation …Observe reaction.

Unveil picture of ‘PUPPY’ …Observe reaction.

Check internet browsing history for ‘PUPPY’ …Observe reaction.

Check cellphone for message including ‘PUPPY’ …Observe reaction.

Don’t fall for light discussion regarding ‘PUPPY’, it is dangerous and could lead to…

THE NEXT STAGE

These vital signs shouldn’t be missed:

The Plea: “Can we go and see a PUPPY?”

The Excuse: “We don’t have to have the first PUPPY we see!”

The Bluff: “We’ll just be looking at PUPPY!”

It is important that before you go to “just look” at PUPPY you check for unusual signs:

For the first time ever there is a hidden blanket in the car and snow is not forecast for the next few months.
Tins of food with PUPPY on the label have appeared in the cupboard next to the breakfast cereal.
PUPPY MONTHLY suddenly appears on the mat alongside the daily newspaper.
The neighbours have started erecting a dog-proof fence.
The council sends six men in high-vis to attach a dog-poo bin to the lamppost outside your house.
Old newspapers have been hoarded in the garage rather than being put out with the recycling.

Ignore these vital signs at your peril as ignorance could lead to…

THE FINAL OUTCOME…

You find yourself with

ONE OF THESE…

…A PUPPY!

It’s cute, it’s soft, it’s charming and lovely… just like your daughter!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Benefit of Flowers Indoors!

Posted on October 28, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day a friend thought we needed cheering up and kindly bought us some flowers. Now, being just a peasant of the soil, I’m not a great flower lover. However when I sat down that evening I suddenly realised they’d lit up the room with their colours and I couldn’t help but smile. Job done…

I lit the fire when it got dark,
on the sofa I did park,
I happened to notice a vase of flowers,
in the room (had been there hours!).
Their vibrant colours lit up the room,
a blaze of happiness amongst the gloom.
So thank-you Val (she flowers leave),
for bringing light on an autumn eve!

On this autumn morning, I wish you flowers!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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