A Case of Minor Flooding!

Posted on January 8, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

We have a small flood on our land. A drainage pipe has broken and the rain water can’t get away to the ditch. Looking at it the other day, I couldn’t help but think of those from the North and Scotland who have acres under water. The media may have gone to stories new but the problems remain. You don’t have to look far to find someone who is worse off…

There’s a flood on the farm,
water on the ground,
but it’s not an emergency,
the cause is soonest found!
A drainage pipe is broken,
will be repaired when dry,
when the water has all soaked away,
underneath a warm blue sky!
But further to the North,
much land is now a lake,
the media now have now gone,
unseen chaos in their wake.

Please don’t forget both householders, businesses and farmers who have suffered so much over the Christmas period, we should count our blessings every day.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Struggles of a Town Decoration!

Posted on January 7, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

From today, the day after 12^th Night, the Christmas Lights decorating Baldock will no longer shine. Very soon men with ladders will remove them from the buildings and the seasonal colours will disappear until next December…

Illuminated Santa will be removed from his perch,
on the side of the former Town Hall.
Children of all ages and stages,
will miss his luminary enthral.
He’s off to a warm hibernation,
in the back of a dry garden shed,
He’s miss any snow and fierce weather,
and return next winter ever-red!
But some decorations will not make it,
Forced to retire by something new,
And those that are chosen to re-hang,
will utter one word – simply ‘Phew!’

Grateful thanks to the Rotary Club of Baldock who give of their time and donations to ensure that Baldock sparkles every Christmas.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Ninja Slipper Routine!

Posted on January 6, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Having recently passed my three-score-years, I find that nocturnal bladder-relief is my nightly burden. I creep out of bed, using my watch illumination as a guide and cross the ancient creaking floorboards to the bathroom. Sometimes I’m more ninja-successful than others…

The elderly slippered-ninja makes his way,
Across the landing before break of day.
Alone towards the toilet creeping like a mouse,
To avoid awakening others in the house!
He knows each floorboard that creaks or groans,
Avoids going to stay in other people’s homes,
On the way back to bed a ghost like screeching,
The dogs squeaky toy destroys best ninja creeping!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Aussie Tucker!

Posted on January 5, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday while shopping I spied some tucker from Down-Under! It certainly looked good in the picture on the packet and I was sorely tempted, but I’ve heard that kangaroo can pack a mighty punch…

Grab yourself some kangaroo steaks,
More hop and bounce than emu fakes!
However take care when they’re in the pan
They’ve got more fight than Sydney Stan!

Sydney Stan used to remonstrate,
With anything sat upon his plate,
He used to say: “I’ve sheared some wool
Take more than that to make me full!”

A chef, a Scotsman, liked to boast,
“A diners problem? Soon be toast!”
So for Sydney Stan, in a stew,
A ruddy great leg from a kangaroo!

Sydney Stan began to munch,
“This ain’t no more than normal lunch!”
Four hours later, some roo eroded,
The big sheep-shearer simply exploded!

From this tale of Sydney Stan,
it’s not what you eat that show’s you’re a man,
take it from me, it must be true,
there’s more than enough meat on a kangaroo!

With thanks to Lidl for introducing yet more culinary delights to our shores, we continue to watch your shelves with interest!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The New Year Tradition!

Posted on January 4, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

There is one part of New Year that is a traditional as fireworks and ‘Auld Lang Syne!’ When guests have finally wended their way back to whence they came, the trawl nets are put out to see what has been left behind! The one benefit of this practice is that it shows they will probably return and their rushed departure was unlikely to have been the result of anything you said. This years prize goes to Tony from North of Birmingham…

“I left my hat in Arfordshire,
Along with my old coat,
I hope that they take care of them,
Don’t feed them to a goat!”

“Cos if they mislaid my dear old coat,
It could get quite smelly,
Oh good grief I just realised,
They’ve also got my welly!”

We looked around our outhouse,
To see what we could see,
The coat’s in better condition,
Than the one that belongs to me!

The hat I will admit,
Has seen better days,
But it’s in a Staffordshire tweed,
Not equipped for Southern rays!

So we’ll put it out for the Postie,
That should be a breeze,
Cos if Old Tone hasn’t got his coat,
The poor old Bugger’ll freeze!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

New Year Predictions!

Posted on December 31, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Here we are standing at the gate that leads to a new year. Just about every media outlet is crammed with predictions: political, social and environmental. As none of them can possibly know with any degree of certainty, I wish they’d just zip it and let it happen…

So many people,
are prone to write,
next year forecasts,
seldom right.

So I thought,
(don’t wish to sneer),
I’d simply wish you,
Happy New Year!

Have a very Happy New Year and stay safe.
Baldock Bard (1,171 posts and still going!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Daffodils in December!

Posted on December 30, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday Mrs Bard and I went to see my elderly father. He had been busy, preparing smoked salmon, fresh fruit salad and mince pies. However, just before our arrival, he’d been to a sheltered part of his garden and picked some flowering daffodils! This is a time for panic, run for the hills…

There are Daffs in December,
we need an answer NOW!
We’re all much more intelligent,
must be a ‘What?’ or ‘How?’

Set up an enquiry!
Consultants by the score!
Lease an expensive building,
and then employ some more!

The enquiry takes two years,
millions it has cost,
any agreed outcomes,
unfortunately lost!

Before we all panic,
we should perhaps remember,
a mild and wet winter,
may bring Daffodils in December!

There is an upside! my late-drilled wheat looks like it will feed even more mouths thanks to the mild weather.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Annual Guestimation Day!

Posted on December 29, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Each year, just after Christmas, I have to dust off my crystal ball, clean my rose-tinted spectacles and unleash my forecast pencil! By New Year’s Eve I will have had to prepare a forecast of what wheat tonnage I will have to sell (after harvest in approx 8 months time!) to send to my wheat trader, Charles…

I put the drone up over the fields,
I asked her to forecast exactly the yields,
she flew around the crops unseen,
“They all look like grass, so very green!”
I asked my computer to calculate,
the wheat I’d have if harvest was late.
The cursor blinked, no numbers told,
I’d inputted no data of how much to be sold!

So I resorted to methods used down the ages,
previous yields put down on pages.
These I averaged using basic sums,
on my eight fingers and two thumbs!
Now I’ve a figure to call my own,
sent it in? I used the phone!
Modern methods play their part?
Nah! Just the guesses of a silly old fart!

The old men in the graveyard, are looking down on me,
“We didn’t have drone or computer – knew our fields yer see!”
With thanks to Charles Laughlin and all at Fengrain for their support during these difficult times in farming. It is always useful to have a strong ally working on your behalf. www.fengrain.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Olympic Christmas!

Posted on December 28, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

At the closing ceremony of each Olympic Games, the head of the IOC traditionally says: “These were the most successful games” (or similar). After Christmas many lucky families will be considering the same statement, ignorant of those whose holiday has been marred in some way. The Bards have been incredibly lucky to have had a ‘most successful Christmas’…

When our Christmas guests appear,
no ‘Good Grief! They are here!’
No panicked thoughts, ‘Is the bird defrosted?’
mildest weather, the ground’s not frosted.
No missing ingredients (once shops have closed),
What was absent? Nobody knows!
An amateur chef made a stunning trifle,
had three helpings, until-I-full.
Sylvanian creatures on the floor,
knelt on one, now knee is sore.
There were those who slept and those who snored,
and those whose limit of port ignored!
“The dining room smells like a park?”
(a certain terrier had left its mark!)
We were so absorbed, no one said ‘Hey!’
many presents not opened ‘til Boxing Day.
Some say Christmas can be quite stressful,
luckily ours was ‘most successful!’

With very best wishes to you all, I hope your Christmas was equally successful.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

How to Untangle Christmas Lights!

Posted on December 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Here we are, Christmas Eve, and I wonder how many of you have had your fill of ropes of lights? Over the last few days I have spent hours trying to untangle thousands of miles of lights with varied success. It must be a ‘man thing!’…

Find box of lights in attic/cupboard/garage
Do not see if they are working as they were OK when put away last January
Take lights and shake vigorously
Say magic work “Fu-Kinell”
Swear at the cat/dog
Pour a drink
Eat a mince pie
Repeat until threatened by partner
Schake thes lightz agen
Shepeat margic rurds
Plead with shild not to use mashic rurds in school/kitchen/friends house
Bribe shild with shocolates
Open vlotlle of wiern
Shak z lits shum mor
Haz nufer dlink
Shred on lichs
Take zhen to reflyclin bun
Tell partner “bruken lichs!”
Pour mur wiern
Mish grass
Snore!

Happy Christmas to you and yours from the Baldock Bard

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk